confus Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I may be old school, but I've dated girls in the past and have since forgotten them, as I am married to the woman I want the rest of my life with. An ex once sent me a friend request on facebook, which I quickly denied her the opportunity. Okay. So heres my problem. I recently discovered my wife is private messaging back and forth with an ex boyfriend. I've seen the messages and theres nothing mushy, but I feel hurt for the fact she's messaging back and forth with an ex. She says they're just friends and that's it. However, he is single and looking for love. Am I in the wrong for not accepting this friendship she has with him, or do I have good reason not to approve of this ex popping into the picture every now and then? The way I see it is ... If I we're writing back and forth with one of my ex girlfriends I would expect my wife to be upset and disapprove. I trust her and all, but I absolutely have no trust in this guy, as I think he is playing chase while still caught up in the past. What do you guys think? Are these friendships between a mans wife and her ex boyfriend considered normal nowadays? Thanks for your response/advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 What strikes me as the real issue is not so much that she has been in contact with him but the fact that you had to "discover" it. The question then becomes, " why didn't she tell you?": a) There is something going on between them (or she is open to the possibility) and was purposefully hiding it from you because SHE feels that it's something she shouldn't be doing, b) it is completely innocent & she doesn't feel that it is worthy of mention, or c) she doesn't feel that there is anything wrong with remaining friends with him but has reason to believe that you would be extremely jealous even if their friendship is completely platonic. Why haven't you asked her? Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I recently discovered my wife is private messaging back and forth with an ex boyfriend. I've seen the messages and theres nothing mushy, but I feel hurt for the fact she's messaging back and forth with an ex. But why the secrecy? She says they're just friends and that's it. However, he is single and looking for love. Am I in the wrong for not accepting this friendship she has with him, or do I have good reason not to approve of this ex popping into the picture every now and then? You have good reason to not be alright with this. Even if nothing ever comes of it, its disrespectful to you to say the least. I trust her and all, but I absolutely have no trust in this guy, as I think he is playing chase while still caught up in the past. Don't make the mistake of putting this on her X. You should have been able to trust her to not message him behind your back in the first place. What do you guys think? Are these friendships between a mans wife and her ex boyfriend considered normal nowadays? Normal, not sure. Acceptable and appropriate? Absolutely not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confus Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 Actually, sufficient, I have asked about the friendship and she says it's nothing to it. She also knows I do not like it and she continues private messaging with him whenever he comes around, regardless how much I'm hurt by it. It wouldn't be so if she didn't respond to him at times, instead of write back at whatever time he decides to reach out to her. Plus it's when they communicate that bothers me too. Mostly when we're not in the same room together. It just gets aggravating. His bizarre friendship feels to me like it's too valuable for her to just forget about him and focus on us. He is the past. And that it what it is. And she takes offense to me not liking the situation. I don't know. I just never thought my wife would treasure an ex so much, even it the friendly relationship didn't mean anything more than friends. Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. I'm clueless on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. I'm clueless on this one. I don't think you are overreacting. I don't want to have to deal with any ex-boyfriends lurking around, and I likewise I wouldn't expect my SO to put up with any of my ex-girlfriends. It's disrespectful and it erodes/destabilizes the current relationship. When I started dating the woman I'm seeing I asked her if she was someone who insisted on maintaining contact with exes and she said that she was not. I let her know at that point that I didn't want to be involved with anyone who felt the need to do that. I have no idea why people feel they ought to keep people from their past on the back burner and act like there is some sort of valuable platonic friendship going on. That's bull****. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 And she takes offense to me not liking the situation. I don't know. I just never thought my wife would treasure an ex so much, even it the friendly relationship didn't mean anything more than friends. Maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. I'm clueless on this one. So let me get this straight. She is talking to someone she use to have sex with BEHING YOUR BACK, she obviously realizes its inappropriate because she feels the need to do this in secrecy...and SHE is offended? I'd straight up tell her, "You're offended? Pardon me, I guess I'll just have to put up with being disrespected since its obvious your X means more to you than me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jamesblame Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I disagree. I'm very upfront about the fact that I want to keep friends with exes. I don't mind if my partner does either...if someone will cheat, they'll cheat. Why be with someone who is only with you because they don't have an ex talking to them? Jealousy is natural and normal, but it's not the best thing. Trust is really big in a relationship. I'm ok with my partner having contact with an ex up to the point where the ex tries to get with my partner. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 You are in dangerous waters my friend. It may go nowhere but these things all have to start somewhere. AND these secret little talks with someone of the opposite sex IS EXACTLY WHERE THIS $HIT STARTS. I'm a bit jaded on the subject. I discovered my Fiancee hiding talks with a guy she worked with. I laid it out for her "talk to whoever you want, hide it and I have a problem." I caught her lying about it again and I ended our relationship. That choice on my part came at an incredible price and I am still in pain. It's no joke to stand by tough boundaries. Again, and I don't know your wife this other guy or the details of thier breakup, but your wife talking to another man is almost always bad news. Link to post Share on other sites
wingman67 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Bottom line is there ARE boundaries between what is and is not appropriate. Being "possible" doesn't make something "appropriate" by any means. Not respecting your partner's feelings about those boundaries is an affront to your partner and your relationship and WILL cause damage. Even small damage tends to eat at the relationship if allowed to continue until a small nick becomes a large hole. You should be able to feel that your partner respects you enough to not do things that lead to questions of appropriate or inappropriate behaviour. If something feels "wrong" or inappropriate to your moral compass, then it certainly isn't right. Hoping that it will seem less inappropriate over time is akin to the frog remaining in the pan of hot water until he boils to death. Link to post Share on other sites
mustangsb27 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Dude, this is totally inappropriate. I was in the same situation with my gf (ex gf now). She was maintaining contact with a guy she used to sleep with. This guy has always been an issue with us. She knew it hurt me that she was doing this but continued anyway, stomping all over the boundries I had set, (i.e. No talking to this guy). Like your situation, he's a manipulative a**hole. She accused me of being a controlling bastard and that this guy was in the past. Umm.. Wait a sec.. Communicating with an ex CURRENTLY means "in the present" last time I checked the dictionary. Anyway, it drove us apart. Two weeks after we broke up, he came in town and slept with her. I'm not wife is planning anything like that at all, but personally I really don't think it's healthy and it shows a real lack of respect, especially if she knows it hurts you. Link to post Share on other sites
mustangsb27 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Oops. Didn't proofread. I'm not SURE YOUR wife is planning anything like that. Sorry. By the way, I had to "discover" the back and forth between them as well. None of it was in the open. Why the secrecy if nothing untoward was going on? Link to post Share on other sites
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