Wife said she isn't happy and wants seperation, but is coming back around?

[bravo3]

Ok, let me try to get the whole story in. I met my wife 4 years ago and we have been married for two. We are 25, and 26. No kids, no house (we have apt), and I am in school. She worked as a childcare teacher the whole time we were dating, as of February of this year she started bartending and made a ton of new friends.

 

8/12/12- she wakes me up at 4:30 in the morning and asks me if I'm happy with us to which I reply, "Yes, what are you talking about?" Then she goes on to tell me that she isn't and that we should consider getting a divorce, so yes of course I am in shock. We hang out around the house, and I am wreck all day and she says that one of us needs to go stay somewhere, so I tell her I would be more comfortable with her at our apartment for safety reasons, so I would go stay at my parents house. All day she shows no emotion, remorse, tears or anything.

 

8/13/12- I had been texting my wife telling her I was sorry for making her unhappy, telling her that I know I need to make changes, etc etc. Never get a response. Do find out that she is staying at her moms.

 

8/14/12- She asks if we can talk on the 15th so of course I say yes. About 11:30 I go by the apartment to get some things, and she is home. I talk to her for about an hour, and she listens, but doesn't say anything back. At all.

 

8/15/12- I start staying at the apartment, because of she isn't then someone needs to be there to make sure the place is ok.

 

8/16/12- I am at the apartment and she comes over around 4pm to get some clothes, I talk to her for an hour or so and offer counseling with someone, offer everything in the world. She just keeps telling me that we grew apart, she isn't happy, she doesn't have any fight left in her, etc. Also, tells me that she is proceeding with the divorce. After she leaves, I cut off ALL communication with her. No text, no calls, no nothing.

 

8/17-8/20- nothing

 

8/21- She says she is coming over to get some things. We are both being bitter towards each other, and after about 20 minutes of it we get into a heated argument. She leaves, and I text her and tell her I'm sorry and if she comes back then I promise I will keep my cool and talk to her. So she does come back, and is asking what I think we should do about the lease, the money etc. In the middle of the conversation she starts crying and saying that she misses me so bad, can't eat, can't sleep, she just works as much as she can to stay busy. Also when we were talking about the 6 months of seperation needed for a divorce she says " a lot can happen in 6 months" and seems as though she was talking about trying to work things out. We talk for about 2 hours, I ask her for a hug and hold her on the couch for a bit. Then I have to go to class so we leave.

 

8/22/12- She texts me last night and asks if it's ok if she comes by for a bit. I tell her of course it is, well she comes over. Has had a few drinks (NOT DRUNK) and we just talk about our day and things but not about the current situation. We exchange stories of what we have been doing and such. She happens to tell me that she doesn't think things are all the way over and asks if I think they are, to which I reply no. She says that she thinks we may be together again one day but it will definitely take time, and she says "3 months, 6 months, a year or whatever" and I tell her that whenever she is ready I am here for her. A little while later she says that she still wants to hang out with me and that she misses me and spending time with me. She says she thinks marriage ruined our relationship because things became way to easy and comfortable. Then says something about getting a divorce and dating after the divorce to which I had no idea what to say to that. I just replied that I don't think marriage ruined us, but I do think I got to comfortable and quit trying. We just talk some more about other things, then she falls asleep for about 20 minutes, gets up and goes to her moms.

 

She did tell me she plans on going to the beach this weekend, alone, and take some time for herself and do some thinking.

 

 

Ok, now for the questions. Obviously I want my wife back more than anything in the world. I think that she left me because she started working with single girls and younger people and kind of got "bored" with our responsible lives. I am thinking that she is starting to see that she made a bad choice and that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but maybe I'm totally wrong. I just know that the past 2 days are the first days I have seen anything out of her. It did feel great to talk to her, but I just don't know what she is doing. Any help is greatly appreciated!

[2.50 a gallon]

I see several red flags that tell me she is not only listening to her single female friends, but you can add male friends.

 

First of all she tells you she is not happy and immediately wants a divorce. And then the two of you need to seperate? Why didn't she say something earlier?

 

I realize the money is great, but bartending job is not a healthy environment for any marriage, and that goes for both the husband and the wife.

 

I've long lost track of the number of bars that I have attended but can tell you the number of bartenders, cocktail waitresses, bouncers etc. that I have known that had a healthy marriage.

 

Zero

 

If I may ask what are you studying? College?

 

Also, what have you been doing to make her unhappy, and why has she not said anything prior to this.

 

Personally, I suspect there is another guy, and she is starting to see that you are the better catch, especially after you complete your schooling.

 

You are still young, get gone while the getting is good, and find yourself a better woman to share your life with.

 

Do not have kids with this woman, you will end up seeing them only on the odd weekend and paying for their upbringing while she brings in another man she met at the bar to be their step father

 

P.S. - No begging, pleading, etc. trying to get her to stay, as it will only make you look less manly in her eyes and she will lose all respect for you.

 

In fact, have the balls to say you've not happy, it is not my job to make you happy, so lets end this now. And as for being friends after the divorce and possible picking up again, forget it. You are not going to get a divorce then go out and screw around and then someday come back to me

Edited August 23, 2012 by 2.50 a gallon
Added P.S.

[bravo3]

Yeah, I am in college and will start my internship in January with graduation in August. She said she was unhappy that we just don't have the same fun that we used to, and don't do things as spontaneously as when we were first dating, said that we have grown distant and the just isn't happy with the couple we have become.

 

Today she text me and just chit chatted for about 10 texts and that was about it. Just plain old talking, not about the situation. I just miss her a lot, and would love for her to come back, I just have no idea what she is doing. Matter of fact, she was going to stay the night last night but didn't have a charger for her phone so she left. I'm just confused as hell

[standtall]

Bravo..so who is her new male "friend"? He is there somewhere...look.

[GG2W]

I concur with 2.50. I am a male erotic dancer, I work the night club and bar scene and can not think of a single bar worker who is not getting a little on the side.

[GLDheart]

... you can add male friends.

 

100% absolutely. And she has sampled the fruit too. That is why the emotions changed so fast. Gauranteed. BUT, good luck getting the truth. Digital VAR in the car if you have access. Place it up under the dash with some good double sided tape. Hearing the way she talks to these new "friends" and the way she talks about YOU, will shock the $hit out of you.

 

 

Do not have kids with this woman, you will end up seeing them only on the odd weekend and paying for their upbringing

 

This is SOOOOO True. Watch yourself. She is (at least at the moment) not the girl you married.

 

P.S. - No begging, pleading, etc. trying to get her to stay, as it will only make you look less manly in her eyes and she will lose all respect for you.

 

She is THROWING YOUR MARRIAGE AWAY. It's not your fault she's acting like a spoiled little brat. She has a little "fun" at the bar and BOOM! To hell with that grown up marriage crap!! Let's hang out after work and get wasted....

 

You should be in the process of taking her down off that little pedestal that she no longer deserves a place on. Instead, see her for the immature reversion to adolescence that she is attempting. YOU DO NOT RESPECT HER ANYMORE. POINT HER TO THE DOOR AND TELL HER TO GROW THE EFF UP.

Edited August 24, 2012 by GLDheart

[seibert253]

Bravo..so who is her new male "friend"? He is there somewhere...look.

 

He'll probably be at the beach with your W, while she "thinks" about your situation.

 

Don't be surprised if when she returns she's full bore wanting a D.

 

Do some investigating.

[JD1977]

P.S. - No begging, pleading, etc. trying to get her to stay, as it will only make you look less manly in her eyes and she will lose all respect for you.

e

 

2.50 A gallon

I agree with 98% of what you said. But just because a man fights for his wife and marriage doesn't mean he is less manly or looses the respect of his wife.

 

In this case it sounds like she could care less about respecting him. I think most woman want a man who loves them so much that he would fight for her.

[Steadfast]

A bartender? Are you kidding me? I stopped reading right there...except to note the 'great money' part. You just traded in your marriage for a short-lived financial upswing. Do I need to say you should have given the ultimatum when she announced she was going to apply for that job?

 

Good grief man.

 

She's tossing out breadcrumbs to keep you around for a safety net. Chances are, she told her boyfriend (yes, there is someone else) about her plan and he freaked. It's one thing driving someone's fancy car, quite another to take over the payments. She trippin' on the cheater's highway.

 

Say goodbye and move on. No need to spy, snoop or sniff around, she's already told you what you need to know. Skip the gory details.

[Steadfast]

I think most woman want a man who loves them so much that he would fight for her.

 

Only for non-cheaters. It's lose-lose trying to 'win' one back.

[LaDiva]

it is possible that W hasn't yet had an affair, but is contemplating one. Bravo3, I'm currently in a similar situation, but I'm learning that although the ball to come back is in their court, how they come back... IF they come back is in your court.

 

Try low contact with your W... I agree with Steadfast... something happened within her life or whatever relationship she was contemplating getting into.. that jolted her for the moment with a dose of reality.

 

I think you should finish pouring the phu-cket bucket on her and act like you don't care. God forbid your marriage doesn't work out well then at least you're on the path to getting to a stronger and better you.

[2.50 a gallon]

JD

 

It is the begging, pleading etc, that I was talking about that makes a WW lose respect for her H.

 

Been there and done that. And when I quit tying to save the marriage, her attitude began to turn around.

 

And when she found out that I had boinked the OM's wife, the shoe was totally on the other foot, as it was her that was doing the begging, pleading and crockodile tears

[Steadfast]

It truly is a shame that one needs to live through this and come out the other side to really know and believe in the best way to handle it. That's why experience is the best teacher and hindsight is 20-20. Wish it wasn't true.

 

Part of this is because -as loving spouses- we're wired to care and protect our husband or wife. It becomes part of our identity. It's more than a vow or a promise, it's our destiny. When you really love your spouse, they become part of you. Having someone tell you not to fight, to end contact and proceed with divorce seems like cutting off an arm to cure a hangnail.

 

By my experience, when a woman pulls away that action follows a long course of mentally and emotionally mulling it over. Either to muster the courage or some half-hearted attempt to spare the husband's feelings. By the time you realize what's going on, she's miles ahead with a whole new plan in place. You'll spend the rest of your life trying to figure it all out.

 

Be smart. Listen to the advice you're being given. Don't lose sight of what true love is and how a person's actions reveal what or who they really care about. No one is saying it's easy. It isn't. Know what you want from love and life and demand no less. If you do, you'll spend years in misery.

[JD1977]

2.5 & Steadfast,

I guess your right about the cheating spouse part. I guess I am still pretty NAIVE. I think if my husbands pride wasn't so big, and he fought for me maybe we wouldn't be separating now. But I firmly believe that a woman wants a man who will fight for her (apparently except for a cheating wife). It's nature, just like we tend to want to take care of our men. I guess I sound pretty pathetic to you guys.

[Steadfast]

Not pathetic JD. I sincerely wish everyone could be naive about bad spouses.

 

I read somewhere that infidelity, separation and divorce robs a person of their 'innocence'. Most people translate that into trust, but it usually manifests itself into wondering about the validity of marriage and whether or not true love exists, or ever did. God help us all if these flakes are responsible for 'setting the standard.' I think we each do that as individuals.

 

Marriage is not ownership, it's partnership, entered into by two people who promise to love, cherish and honor each other. Any destruction of that partnership following those promises is due to ignorance or selfishness. What is the lesson? Choose wisely, and never expect what you're not willing to give yourself. Any spouse that asks the other to 'fight' for them is proclaiming themselves a prize to the highest bidder. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but it doesn't sound like love to me.