cheated one time 21 years ago before marriage

[hammermill]

I've never posted before. 21 years ago when I was 19 and in college I cheated on my then boyfriend, now husband. We had been dating for 2 months when I cheated. We were at different colleges and would see each other on weekends. When I cheated it lasted about 10 minutes and I stopped it. It was a one time thing. I have never cheated after that. A few months after I cheated my roommate brought it up in from of my boyfriend and he questioned me about it later and I denied it. I was afraid he would leave me and I knew it was a mistake and it would never happen again. We got married 3 years after we started dating and have been happily married for 18 years. A few months ago I was talking in my sleep and said I cheated on him when I was in college. When he questioned me about it I denied it. I didn't want to hurt him. I did confess a few weeks later but I told him I was drinking and didn't remember what happened. I was drinking but I did remember it but I don't remember everything about it. A week later I told him that I did remember some of the details and was aware of what I was doing but still don't remember all of the details. He is taking it very hard. I totally understand and I know what I did was wrong. I'm praying that eventually he will be able to put this in the past and forgive me. He is being very hard on me and making me feel like a terrible person. I know I deserve it. We were dating exclusively when I cheated.

Edited August 23, 2012 by hammermill

[BetrayedH]

I've never posted before. 21 years ago when I was 19 and in college I cheated on my then boyfriend, now husband. We had been dating for 2 months when I cheated. We were at different colleges and would see each other on weekends. When I cheated it lasted about 10 minutes and I stopped it. It was a one time thing. I have never cheated after that. A few months after I cheated my roommate brought it up in from of my boyfriend and he questioned me about it later and I denied it. I was afraid he would leave me and I knew it was a mistake and it would never happen again. We got married 3 years after we started dating and have been happily married for 18 years. A few months ago I was talking in my sleep and said I cheated on him when I was in college. When he questioned me about it I denied it. I didn't want to hurt him. I did confess a few weeks later but I told him I was drinking and didn't remember what happened. I was drinking but I did remember it but I don't remember everything about it. A week later I told him that I did remember some of the details and was aware of what I was doing but still don't remember all of the details. He is taking it very hard. I totally understand and I know what I did was wrong. I'm praying that eventually he will be able to put this in the past and forgive me. He is being very hard on me and making me feel like a terrible person. I know I deserve it. We were dating exclusively when I cheated.

 

Ugh. You fell into several of the usual pitfalls. Trying to take it to the grave just never seems to work. He obviously now feels like the last 21 years of his life has been a lie. That would have been bad enough but then the "trickle-truth" has been doled out in regular doses. Each time, his world is shattered all over again. He's now convinced that he will never know the truth as you can't be trusted to share any more than he already knows. His universe is destroyed and he doesn't even trust his own judgment about what is true in the world anymore. I'm no trying to be harsh; this is just the reality that he is living now.

 

So what to do...

 

First, you need to stop the bleeding. Tell him the whole damn truth. Don't leave out one freaking thing that he asks about, regardless how afraid you are of his reaction or how much it will hurt him. Accept that he will not believe it, possibly forever. This is a consequence.

 

Get the book, How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair.

 

Never get defensive. If you want to reconcile, it is an absolute gift. If you have nothing else to say during the bad times, apologize (again).

 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. I didn't believe this when I first came here. Now the couples that I see go thru real reconciliation seem to turn a corner at about 4 years. It won't always be as bad as it is today but sometimes it will and one thing your H desperately needs is to know that you are in this for the LONG HAUL.

 

You have to rebuild trust. This means complete transparency with your life. Your life is an open book to him (whereabouts, who you are with, unfettered access to email, FB, phone). Again, never get defensive or suggest that he needs to get over it. If he wants to GPS you, buy the damn thing. You should embrace any opportunity to rebuild trust. Give it serious time and he will start to believe it.

 

The problem is not the acts themselves but the lying about it, of which you did plenty. He's not going to believe you and that is not his fault.

 

You also need to get into individual counseling. This is for you and for him. Whatever life events allowed you to lie to your H for such an extended period (and then repeatedly) are patterns that he needs to be convinced are broken forever.

 

Give us some more details on how he is reacting and what you have done already and you'll get more counsel. Some will be harsh. Suck that up as the wake-up call you probably need and then process the feedback into something actionable for your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He is taking it very hard. I totally understand and I know what I did was wrong. I'm praying that eventually he will be able to put this in the past and forgive me. He is being very hard on me and making me feel like a terrible person. I know I deserve it. We were dating exclusively when I cheated.

 

I suppose you want to know how to fix this? You need to do everything you can to build rebuild trust and that may take another 21 years.

 

You basically built a whole marriage on a lie. He married a stranger and now he has to come to terms with this new person. Maybe he feels cheated out of all those years.

 

Honestly, I would walk out on you. I would do my best to take all worldly possessions with me. Hopefully he is more... understanding.

Edited August 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nofool4u]

I've never posted before. 21 years ago when I was 19 and in college I cheated on my then boyfriend, now husband. We had been dating for 2 months when I cheated. We were at different colleges and would see each other on weekends. When I cheated it lasted about 10 minutes and I stopped it. It was a one time thing. I have never cheated after that. A few months after I cheated my roommate brought it up in from of my boyfriend and he questioned me about it later and I denied it. I was afraid he would leave me and I knew it was a mistake and it would never happen again.

 

So you denied him the choice of deciding if you were the kind of person he wanted to continue on with.

 

 

I totally understand and I know what I did was wrong. I'm praying that eventually he will be able to put this in the past and forgive me. He is being very hard on me and making me feel like a terrible person. I know I deserve it. We were dating exclusively when I cheated.

 

He may, for the most part, be able to put it in the past. But not anytime soon. This is too new for him. I'm sure he feels like his marriage has been a big lie, trapped into being with a girl that lied about her cheating. Because I'll tell you right now, if he is like me, and you told him that you did in fact cheat, you wouldn't be married today.

 

Now he may forgive you and decide to move on. But make no mistake, it will pop into his head once in a while. So expect him to get upset now and then. Don't get mad at him when he does, he didn't ask for this.

[nofool4u]

I have a similar situation.

 

Trust me - he's not thinking your cheating was a one-time thing. You lied and deceived him for two decades. Your word means **** essentially. How does he know you haven't cheated since then? How can he believe anything that comes out of your mouth from now on?

 

This is a good point. I guarantee he is wondering how many times in the last 18 years has she cheated. He'll probably start thinking back to any time OP was, for example, away on a weekend trip with the girls, or business, whatever, and wondering who she might have went back to a hotel room with.

 

I believe her when she says she never cheated again, but these will more than likely be the things he will wonder about.

[hammermill]

He does trust me completely now and I have never cheated since. We are both going to counceling. We love each other very much and want to be together forever. I admit I made a terrible mistake when I was in college. I should have told him the truth then. I'm sure others have made mistakes and have to ask for forgiveness. People do change and can learn from their mistakes!!! I am not a terrible person.

[Madman81]

OP, to you, it was 21 years ago. To your husband, it was last week. That's because the hurt it causes is measured by when he found out, not by when it happened. Makes sense if you think about it.

 

I echo what the others have said. Right now he feels like his marriage of 18 years has been built on a lie. If he'd known the truth, he might have decided not to marry you. Or perhaps he would have married you anyway. Who knows? Doesn't matter. You decided for him, and you had no right to do that.

 

The problem is that he now wonders if there's other things you've lied about. And why wouldn't he wonder that? Anybody in his position would.

 

The fact that this happened 21 years ago is in your favour (presumably you haven't seen the other guy in that long and aren't in contact anymore?). If you want to save your marriage, you need to recognize and accept all of the above. In fact, you should probably say all of the above stuff to him. At least that way he might get the sense that you understand what he's going through.

 

As others have said, you need to give him as much information about what happened as he wants, in as much detail as he needs. Even the gory details, if he wants them. Hopefully he doesn't. But by refusing to tell him everything, you're just digging the marriage's grave a bit deeper. And you need to do so without hesitation, and without argument. Hell, you should tell him that you're willing to do that.

 

You need to give him unrestricted access to your cell phone, email, Facebook, internet search history, everything. Even if there's nothing there, that's not the point. The point is that he needs to see that you're not hiding anything.

 

You need be accountable to him, 24/7 if that's what he wants. Your whereabouts, who you're with, etc.

 

This may all seem excessive or unjustified or unfair to you. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to do it all, without argument, freely. Make your life an open book, and keep it that way.

 

He's going to have relapses where he's angry. The worst thing you can do is get exasperated and angry in return. Trust, as they say, takes years to build and seconds to destroy.

 

If you're not willing to do all of the above, then you should end the marriage now. If you are, I think your marriage has a chance. Plus the two of you should start seeing a counsellor together.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

You

[Untouchable_Fire]

He does trust me completely now and I have never cheated since. We are both going to counceling. We love each other very much and want to be together forever. I admit I made a terrible mistake when I was in college. I should have told him the truth then. I'm sure others have made mistakes and have to ask for forgiveness. People do change and can learn from their mistakes!!! I am not a terrible person.

 

If you had one question that someone on this forum may be able to answer for you... what would that question be?

[tough love]

I am hammermill's husband. So there is no question, she is a good person amd I couldn't ask for a better mother to our kids. We are both in counseling together and individually. I don't have any doubt that she has been faithful since our marriage.

 

I have been hard on her and have had a more difficult time dealing with this than I ever imagined. But, she has apologized and is genuinely sorry for lying and cheating.

[hammermill]

If you had one question that someone on this forum may be able to answer for you... what would that question be?

 

My question would be how can I help him get through this. I hate to see him hurting so much and to know that I caused it. I love him so much and I want us to get through this.

[pteromom]

I have been hard on her and have had a more difficult time dealing with this than I ever imagined. But, she has apologized and is genuinely sorry for lying and cheating.

 

Hi.

 

I know it hurts to find this out, but she was 19 years old when she made this mistake. Rather than thinking of her as she is now, remember that naive 19 year old girl who was just learning how to be in the world.

 

She made a mistake. She tried to just bury it and make it go away. But it came out.

 

You can't let a 10 minute mistake ruin what you have now. I mean, at that point you were only months in and didn't even KNOW each other. Since then, you've been through happiness and pain and kids and life, and she's always been by your side.

 

Everyone has already given her some great advice. So here's some for you. Imagine you are you - at your age now. And in front of you stands your wife. Not the woman you know now, but that scared 19 year old girl, right after this indiscretion happened. She is crying for what she's done. She hurt him (the 19 year old you). She loves him. She doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't know what to do. She is so young and naive and innocent, and she is just standing there sobbing with grief.

 

What do you feel when you imagine this? Are you feeling angry because she betrayed the 19 year old you? Or are you able to hold her while she cries and tell her everything will be ok. That the two of you will have DECADES together. That you will have a beautiful life together. That you will be faithful and loving to each other.

 

I know you are just finding out about this, so it hurts. But it really was just a little girl who made that choice so many years ago. Not your beautiful wife as you know her now.

 

If you really have no doubts that this is the entire story and that she's been faithful to you throughout your entire marriage, I would work very hard at letting it go. If it enters your mind, keep picturing that crying 19 year old girl, and keep remembering the life you've shared with your wife.

[nofool4u]

I am hammermill's husband. So there is no question, she is a good person amd I couldn't ask for a better mother to our kids. We are both in counseling together and individually. I don't have any doubt that she has been faithful since our marriage.

 

Then may I ask exactly why you are in counseling if everything is all good?

[jnj express]

There is nothing you can do---you have lied to him at least 3 different times, about this specific situation---in this case it ain't the cheating it is your lying, and your cheating by ommission for 20 plus years, by not telling him

 

He is in his own way and time is gonna have to reconcile this for himself----problem is he now does not believe anything you say, and trust may not come back anytime soon, if at all----it's just something your gonna have to live thru

[Ninja'sHusband]

My question. Did you come here knowing that your husband was already on the site? Here's his thread from over a month ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/335599-forgiving-coping-getting-over-cheating-being-lied

 

Are you being truthful to us? Even I'm not sure, given you may have written your post knowing your H would read it.

[2sunny]

She never confessed - she talked in her sleep - so, really - she only got caught.

 

It really does leave any spouse what else she never intended to tell.

 

It makes the OP un-believable...

 

what exactly is the counselor helping you with?

[2sunny]

Your title says cheated ONE time - but actually ANOTHER guy even gave you a hickey... Wheres your truth? Let's get honest here... Which is it?

 

Leave out excuses please...

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just to really hit this home. My wife lied about the scope of her affair for 3 months..to our therapist in both private and joint sessions, let alone the 4 months of lying to me during reconcilliation. We are nearly 2 months separated with a divorce on the way. At one time I had felt similarly to your H. I thought my wife was genuinely remorseful, that she was an awesome mother, etc. I was fighting like hell to save our family...all to find out she had been lying the whole time.

 

The lies are the worst thing. REALLY. If you aren't being truthful.....you had better start now.

[BetrayedH]

I think NH has hit the nail on the head. Mix in some trickle truth with some betrayed fog and this is what you get. Seems pretty familiar.

[tough love]

How many months ago was discovery/denial?

How many months ago was the confession?

 

The original time I asked her about it was about 6 months after we started dating, then about 3 months ago, after the sleep talking. The confession was about 2 months ago.

 

I did not suggest she post here, but was aware she was posting and she does know I visit this site. I actually read her post before she actually posted to the site.

 

Alice2012, no, she doesn't drink other than the occasional drink with me, doesn't go out with the girls or any of that, so that is why I am not concerned that she cheated after marriage. You are making way too many assumptions.

 

nofool4u, we are in counseling beause most of the feelings/emotions some of the posters have posted are things I am feeling. But I do trust her in the present. My issues are with the first year of dating. And yes, the cheating hurts, but, as mentioned the not knowing hurts worse along with the "trickle truth", which has caused trust issues with the first year we were together. But I do trust her in the present. Our counselors found that odd too, but that is really how I feel. By no means are things perfect now and our world has been turned upside down. We are both trying to work at rebuilding the trust and get back to what I thought we had.

 

2sunny, the hickey incident didn't concern me because she didn't do anything IMO. She had too much to drink that night and passed out (which I did an awful lot of at that age too) and some guy decided to take advantage or try and be cute and give her the hickey. I don't see her as a willing participant.

Edited August 24, 2012 by tough love

[tough love]

Hi.

 

I know it hurts to find this out, but she was 19 years old when she made this mistake. Rather than thinking of her as she is now, remember that naive 19 year old girl who was just learning how to be in the world.

 

She made a mistake. She tried to just bury it and make it go away. But it came out.

 

You can't let a 10 minute mistake ruin what you have now. I mean, at that point you were only months in and didn't even KNOW each other. Since then, you've been through happiness and pain and kids and life, and she's always been by your side.

 

Everyone has already given her some great advice. So here's some for you. Imagine you are you - at your age now. And in front of you stands your wife. Not the woman you know now, but that scared 19 year old girl, right after this indiscretion happened. She is crying for what she's done. She hurt him (the 19 year old you). She loves him. She doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't know what to do. She is so young and naive and innocent, and she is just standing there sobbing with grief.

 

What do you feel when you imagine this? Are you feeling angry because she betrayed the 19 year old you? Or are you able to hold her while she cries and tell her everything will be ok. That the two of you will have DECADES together. That you will have a beautiful life together. That you will be faithful and loving to each other.

 

I know you are just finding out about this, so it hurts. But it really was just a little girl who made that choice so many years ago. Not your beautiful wife as you know her now.

 

If you really have no doubts that this is the entire story and that she's been faithful to you throughout your entire marriage, I would work very hard at letting it go. If it enters your mind, keep picturing that crying 19 year old girl, and keep remembering the life you've shared with your wife.

 

Thanks for this post. It is the most helpful post for me that I have read. I have tried to be supportive of her, but at the same time, been a real pain in her butt rehashing everything. I can understand we were 19, young and dumb at the time, but feel like somewhere in 21 years I should have found out after making it clear how I felt about being in the dark about something like that, even before we were married.

 

I would probably hug that 19 year old crying girl and have hugged and cried with her now. I have always wanted to be her protector and be there for her. It hurts me to know that my reaction to this has hurt her. It's a roller coaster of emotions for me but I do know I love and care for her or I would not be willing to work at it or go through counseling.

 

She has been supportive of me throughout our marriage and has been a great mother. I really do love her and think we will be okay in the end. I think the fact that I do care for her so much is what has made this so much harder to deal with and not something I can just walk away from. There is just too much to lose and I have spent over half my life with her and can't imagine it any other way.

Edited August 24, 2012 by tough love

[hammermill]

Hi.

 

I know it hurts to find this out, but she was 19 years old when she made this mistake. Rather than thinking of her as she is now, remember that naive 19 year old girl who was just learning how to be in the world.

 

She made a mistake. She tried to just bury it and make it go away. But it came out.

 

You can't let a 10 minute mistake ruin what you have now. I mean, at that point you were only months in and didn't even KNOW each other. Since then, you've been through happiness and pain and kids and life, and she's always been by your side.

 

Everyone has already given her some great advice. So here's some for you. Imagine you are you - at your age now. And in front of you stands your wife. Not the woman you know now, but that scared 19 year old girl, right after this indiscretion happened. She is crying for what she's done. She hurt him (the 19 year old you). She loves him. She doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't know what to do. She is so young and naive and innocent, and she is just standing there sobbing with grief.

 

What do you feel when you imagine this? Are you feeling angry because she betrayed the 19 year old you? Or are you able to hold her while she cries and tell her everything will be ok. That the two of you will have DECADES together. That you will have a beautiful life together. That you will be faithful and loving to each other.

 

I know you are just finding out about this, so it hurts. But it really was just a little girl who made that choice so many years ago. Not your beautiful wife as you know her now.

 

If you really have no doubts that this is the entire story and that she's been faithful to you throughout your entire marriage, I would work very hard at letting it go. If it enters your mind, keep picturing that crying 19 year old girl, and keep remembering the life you've shared with your wife.

 

Thank-you for your post. It is nice to read a positive post. I know most people think once a cheater always a cheater, but that is not the case. We can make mistakes and learn from them. Thank God we do mature as we get older. I would think that most people have done things as a teen that they regret.

 

I do love my husband more than anything. I want to grow old with him. I do feel terrible for what I've done and I wish I could go back in time and change things. I wish I would have known then what I know now.

 

Thanks again.

[2sunny]

The original time I asked her about it was about 6 months after we started dating, then about 3 months ago, after the sleep talking. The confession was about 2 months ago.

 

I did not suggest she post here, but was aware she was posting and she does know I visit this site. I actually read her post before she actually posted to the site.

 

Alice2012, no, she doesn't drink other than the occasional drink with me, doesn't go out with the girls or any of that, so that is why I am not concerned that she cheated after marriage. You are making way too many assumptions.

 

nofool4u, we are in counseling beause most of the feelings/emotions some of the posters have posted are things I am feeling. But I do trust her in the present. My issues are with the first year of dating. And yes, the cheating hurts, but, as mentioned the not knowing hurts worse along with the "trickle truth", which has caused trust issues with the first year we were together. But I do trust her in the present. Our counselors found that odd too, but that is really how I feel. By no means are things perfect now and our world has been turned upside down. We are both trying to work at rebuilding the trust and get back to what I thought we had.

 

2sunny, the hickey incident didn't concern me because she didn't do anything IMO. She had too much to drink that night and passed out (which I did an awful lot of at that age too) and some guy decided to take advantage or try and be cute and give her the hickey. I don't see her as a willing participant.

 

Your pattern of "protecting your wife" is showing in your typed words.

 

Your blind trust should no longer fit this mold. Your wife "recently lied" ALOT!

 

Why are you SO trusting when she gives you evidence she has trouble being totally honest?

 

I think you're not being authentic with yourself!

 

Be mad!

Be suspicious!

Be real!

 

Trust is earned! And she just blasted the trust you had for her into smithereens! That sucks big time!

 

I don't care how much she denies everything/anyhing else - at this point she hasn't EARNED the right to trust her - no matter how good a wife and mother she's been - she proved she can easily lie about it.

 

SHE is the one to fix it!!! So stop defending her!

[tough love]

Your pattern of "protecting your wife" is showing in your typed words.

 

Your blind trust should no longer fit this mold. Your wife "recently lied" ALOT!

 

Why are you SO trusting when she gives you evidence she has trouble being totally honest?

 

I think you're not being authentic with yourself!

 

Be mad!

Be suspicious!

Be real!

 

Trust is earned! And she just blasted the trust you had for her into smithereens! That sucks big time!

 

I don't care how much she denies everything/anyhing else - at this point she hasn't EARNED the right to trust her - no matter how good a wife and mother she's been - she proved she can easily lie about it.

 

SHE is the one to fix it!!! So stop defending her!

 

I understand that she lied alot recently and that bothers me greatly along with being misled earlier. However, the lies all center around the past, during that time period. I haven't found any reason to believe she has lied about anything that has to do with the time since we've been married.

I have been mad and am getting tired of being mad. It has wore me down (and her too). I have and am suspicious about that time period and grilled her over and over for the truth because of it. And no, the trickle truth didn't help with trust or my blindly believe anymore. It does suck big time for me and her too. I haven't been easy on her, I admit and am ashamed of some of my own behavior toward her. She has been honest with me during our marriage and has had my back. My trust issues are with that time period, early in our dating and with whether she has really come clean on the details and lies.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I've really said my piece to the OP...but I will say to the BH here: I'm all for saving the family. If you think you can stay with it and have a good family life, do it. I wanted so badly for my situation to work...it was just more than I could handle in the end.

 

Never close your eyes, people who have cheated almost always minimize and lie. You may not know the full story, maybe you do, but it sure sounds suspicious to me. She's only admitted to what you suspect\know already. My wife did the same thing, she was far from truthful. I had to do a lot of snooping to find the truth, sad but...true. May you never have the awful moment I had of facing the prospect of raising another man's child....ugh...this is very serious business. She miscarried and we are divorcing btw

 

Hopefully your wife is honest enough to tell you when things are going badly and you work on problems as they come. And hopefully you do the same. Keep your relationship healthy. That's so important.

 

Again good luck, I don't want to end on a down note. I know you love your family and have invested your life into it...and you would probably do anything to preserve it. If you have it in you to go on, don't let anyone stop you.

Edited August 24, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[tough love]

Hi.

 

I know it hurts to find this out, but she was 19 years old when she made this mistake. Rather than thinking of her as she is now, remember that naive 19 year old girl who was just learning how to be in the world.

 

She made a mistake. She tried to just bury it and make it go away. But it came out.

 

You can't let a 10 minute mistake ruin what you have now. I mean, at that point you were only months in and didn't even KNOW each other. Since then, you've been through happiness and pain and kids and life, and she's always been by your side.

 

Everyone has already given her some great advice. So here's some for you. Imagine you are you - at your age now. And in front of you stands your wife. Not the woman you know now, but that scared 19 year old girl, right after this indiscretion happened. She is crying for what she's done. She hurt him (the 19 year old you). She loves him. She doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't know what to do. She is so young and naive and innocent, and she is just standing there sobbing with grief.

 

What do you feel when you imagine this? Are you feeling angry because she betrayed the 19 year old you? Or are you able to hold her while she cries and tell her everything will be ok. That the two of you will have DECADES together. That you will have a beautiful life together. That you will be faithful and loving to each other.

 

I know you are just finding out about this, so it hurts. But it really was just a little girl who made that choice so many years ago. Not your beautiful wife as you know her now.

 

If you really have no doubts that this is the entire story and that she's been faithful to you throughout your entire marriage, I would work very hard at letting it go. If it enters your mind, keep picturing that crying 19 year old girl, and keep remembering the life you've shared with your wife.

 

I gave your post some more thought and still think it's great advice. It;s not the 10 minute mistake that bothers me as much as the lies for 21 years and knowing that I had always said I would rather know about being cheated on than being played.

 

I know she regrets it and says she was upset. Not sure about sobbing, but I believe she was upset I guess. I wish she would have told me as a 19 year old. I could have made my own choice which may have still been to stick with her as I was head over heals in love with her. I tend to think I would have given her a second chance, but take things slower. I feel both anger, sadness and empathy for her. It really is a wild range of emotions and hard to describe. I had her on a pedastal and believed she was keeping nothing from me for all these years and that has all been shattered now. I do realize we have had a lot of great times and have beautiful kids that we are both proud of, but it still hurts like hell. I can't lie and say the cheating doesn't hurt, but I know we were young. The lying bothers me more, especially since that was more recent. The trickle truth was probably the most damaging to me.

 

Maybe we would have went separate ways and she could have met someone better, who she could be honest with and faithful to and I could have met someone who would be faithful and honest to me. Then again, I could have met someone and been divorced multiple times and had 18 years of misery instead of the past few months. Point is, it was my choice to make.

 

Like some of the other posters have mentioned, it doesn't matter to me that it was 2 months into the relationship because we were exclusive. I took the committment as seriously the minute she agreed to go "steady" with me and be exclusive as I do now. I didn't need a ring or vows to take the committment seriously and honor that committement.

 

I am willing to work out it, but have my doubts that I have the complete truth. I can't prove it one way or another, which makes me a crazy. We have rehashed that night over and over and over again, as well as why she didn't tell me after it happened, when I asked her after her roommate let it slip and a few months ago. I get just as mad at myself for being so naive 21 years ago, after I questioned her. I should have known better and not been so caught up in this fantasy I was living of a perfect relationship.