cheated one time 21 years ago before marriage

[tough love]

Come on. That is way overly harsh for something a 19 year old KID did in college almost 20 years ago. Just the fact that it's obviously bothered her all this time says a lot about her character.

 

We were all 19 year old teenage kids at one point in our lives and I'm equally sure most of us did NOT always act like mature, upstanding adults each and every single day of our teen years. Good grief.

 

Of course her husband has a right to feel betrayed - I'm not aruging that point. But this whole thing about him kicking her to the curb and taking all their worldly possessions is just so ridiculously extreme and over the top.

 

Thanks. I thought that was a bit harsh to as well as the name calling. I am definitely hurt and angry, but can't even say I am angry at her as much as what she did and the choices she made. I have no intentions of kicking her to the curb and taking her worldy possessions. I do intend to give it my all to get through this with her and we will be okay.

 

I am starting to repeat myself, but it's hard learning the person you trusted most and let you believe for all those years that there were no secrets has actually kept secrets that possibly impacted life choices. That being said, I thought we were in a PERFECT marriage the past 18 years and we got along great. I hope to get back to that soon.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not going to try to change your mind about reconciling. You can certainly do that and it's your choice entirely.

 

What I do see is a lot of focus on trying to get past what happened 20 years ago and how she lied about it THEN.

 

I think what should be most concerning to you is that she was so capable of lying for the whole marriage and did a whole hell of a lot of it recently. The fact is that you don't know what kind of person she is. The logical thing is to conclude that she is a liar and a cheat until she is able to demonstrate otherwise. Forgiveness is important. But when it comes prior to true remorse, it's called cheap forgiveness and is grown not out of her actual trustworthiness. Ut out of your desperation to get thru this nuclear explosion.

 

She needs to EARN your trust. And that takes TIME. 2-5 years is normal. You are not there yet and by forgiving her so quickly and trying to put it in the past, you deprive her of the opportunity to prove her trust. Your therapist said it was odd to trust her again this quickly because it is completely illogical and it is born from something akin to post traumatic stress disorder rsther than something real. You need to slow down. She needs to do all of the things that have been recommended in this thread to rebuild trust. And you cannot hurry it along. Slow is fast and fast is slow.

 

Your old marriage is dead and that person you married does not exist. You have to decide if you want to be married to this new person. Who is this new person? Do you even know her? You've known her for just a few months and she has a checkered past. Maybe you had better to get to know her before you commit the rest of your life to her. Take care of yourself and take the time to see what is really the right thing to do. While I hope you are right, I have too much experience here to blindly believe that you have all of the truth here. I think you have some more truth coming. Get yourself mentally prepared for it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Come on. That is way overly harsh for something a 19 year old KID did in college almost 20 years ago. Just the fact that it's obviously bothered her all this time says a lot about her character.

We were all 19 year old teenage kids at one point in our lives and I'm equally sure most of us did NOT always act like mature, upstanding adults each and every single day of our teen years. Good grief.

Of course her husband has a right to feel betrayed - I'm not aruging that point. But this whole thing about him kicking her to the curb and taking all their worldly possessions is just so ridiculously extreme and over the top.

 

No. No it wasn't. I was actually being nice. We are not talking about someone 19 years old. This is 21 years later. That is a long time to be a liar... especially when the H knew from the start.

 

Keeping that kind of secret from someone you are supposed to love shows an absence of real love. It means the kind of love you have is totally self serving... selfish.

 

Thank-you for your post. It is nice to read a positive post. I know most people think once a cheater always a cheater, but that is not the case. We can make mistakes and learn from them. Thank God we do mature as we get older. I would think that most people have done things as a teen that they regret.

I do love my husband more than anything. I want to grow old with him. I do feel terrible for what I've done and I wish I could go back in time and change things. I wish I would have known then what I know now.

Thanks again.

 

I think you should ask your husband what he needs from you to help heal this. Provide it to him.

 

A few things that I typically hear from guys... you will need to rebuild trust over time, higher than normal levels of affection, constant reaffirmation of attraction, and some kind of adoration helps.

 

It's sometimes hard to get a handle on how this can make someone feel.

[pteromom]

but feel like somewhere in 21 years I should have found out after making it clear how I felt about being in the dark about something like that, even before we were married.

 

Think about it from her point of view though. When exactly would you have brought it up?

 

When she was 19 and made the mistake, she didn't want to risk losing you, so she didn't tell you.

 

You got married, and she didn't want to ruin the wonderful marriage you were building.

 

Kids came along, and - well, so much time has passed now, and it doesn't matter anymore, right?

 

Every day that went by for her made the memory of what she did fade a little more. Every day with you reinforced the face that she loved you and wanted to be with you, and that the past didn't matter anymore.

 

I have a very unpopular opinion on things like this. I think that if someone is a serial cheater or having a long-term affair, then the spouse absolutely needs to know. But I think a one-time mistake is different. If someone makes a mistake, learns from it, and never does it again, not telling the spouse can be a great kindness. Instead of transferring the hurt and guilt to your partner, you hold onto it. It becomes a tumor in your heart that causes you pain for the rest of your life. And since you ARE the one who cheated, that pain SHOULD be yours. Transferring it to your partner can be cruel.

 

As I said, I know it is an unpopular opinion, but that's how I feel about it.

 

Keep focusing on what you've built in the many years you've been together. Don't focus on that small oil stain that is under the foundation. It's buried and doesn't matter.

[tough love]

Think about it from her point of view though. When exactly would you have brought it up?

 

When she was 19 and made the mistake, she didn't want to risk losing you, so she didn't tell you.

 

You got married, and she didn't want to ruin the wonderful marriage you were building.

 

Kids came along, and - well, so much time has passed now, and it doesn't matter anymore, right?

 

Every day that went by for her made the memory of what she did fade a little more. Every day with you reinforced the face that she loved you and wanted to be with you, and that the past didn't matter anymore.

 

I have a very unpopular opinion on things like this. I think that if someone is a serial cheater or having a long-term affair, then the spouse absolutely needs to know. But I think a one-time mistake is different. If someone makes a mistake, learns from it, and never does it again, not telling the spouse can be a great kindness. Instead of transferring the hurt and guilt to your partner, you hold onto it. It becomes a tumor in your heart that causes you pain for the rest of your life. And since you ARE the one who cheated, that pain SHOULD be yours. Transferring it to your partner can be cruel.

 

As I said, I know it is an unpopular opinion, but that's how I feel about it.

 

Keep focusing on what you've built in the many years you've been together. Don't focus on that small oil stain that is under the foundation. It's buried and doesn't matter.

 

I am not trying to beat her up, but I would have confessed immediately. Honestly, I can't ever imagine cheating on her and lying to her.

 

There were many opportunities to tell me IMO, starting with immediately, then when I questioned her 6 months into our relationship when her roommate let it slip, when she wrote me letters during that time saying she would never hurt me, or maybe when we were shopping for engagement rings. When discussing other couples we knew then that had been cheated on, I made it clear (in no uncertain terms) that I would want to know if I had been cheated on and would not want to be played for a fool, under any circumstance. This is where my anger comes from. I don't view it as her doing me any favors by keeping it from me, and actually quite the contrary.

 

I understand that she may not have wanted to risk losing me but that was a potential consequence of the choices she made. While I do respect your opionion, I firmly believe that I had every right to know the truth then and was cheated of that.

 

I do try and focus on the good things and the days are getting better. It just creates all kinds of doubt about that time period and what I really meant to her.

 

I honestly do respect your opinion and your posts really have been helpful.

[tough love]

What I do see is a lot of focus on trying to get past what happened 20 years ago and how she lied about it THEN.

 

I think what should be most concerning to you is that she was so capable of lying for the whole marriage and did a whole hell of a lot of it recently.

 

 

 

Trust me, the recent lying bothers me and I think I may have mentioned this in a post. However, the lying all centers around the same issue/incident. I think I do know that she is not the same person now that she was then. She is a kind and caring person. We have been together over half of our life and that's hard to just let go of. Had she cheated recently, I would probably have a different attitude. Unfortunately, I can't read her mind to know if she has told me the truth about everything, but I have grilled her repeatedly and she has stuck to the last version of the story and says nothing else happened. I am afraid to trust again because of the lies and trickle truth but can't read her mind and can't throw it all away and hurt our kids based on my fears or paranoia.

[nofool4u]

I get just as mad at myself for being so naive 21 years ago, after I questioned her.

 

Thats the problem. She lied and denied you your choice to decide how your life turns out.

 

I understand that all these years have been great and you don't think she has cheated since, although you can't really be sure. But correct me if I'm wrong, back then, if she had told you the truth and you found out she cheated, would you have dumped her?

 

I know I would have, and thats the part that sucks, not being told the truth so you can make an informed decision.

[tough love]

Thats the problem. She lied and denied you your choice to decide how your life turns out.

 

I understand that all these years have been great and you don't think she has cheated since, although you can't really be sure. But correct me if I'm wrong, back then, if she had told you the truth and you found out she cheated, would you have dumped her?

 

I know I would have, and thats the part that sucks, not being told the truth so you can make an informed decision.

 

I believe in my heart that she has been faithful since we have been married, and actually after our first year together, because we attended the same college after our first year together and were together most of the time.

 

I don't know what I would have done had she told me then. As I mentioned earlier, I was head over heals for her. I think, we would have ultimately still ended up together, but may have broken up briefly. I think I would have definitely been more cautious and slowed things down. We were engaged a little over a year after we started dating.

 

What I do know is that she really is a good person and I do love her and believe that she loves me. I am willing to work at healing and hope we can rebuild the trust and pray that there are no more secrets.

[nofool4u]

What I do know is that she really is a good person and I do love her and believe that she loves me. I am willing to work at healing and hope we can rebuild the trust and pray that there are no more secrets.

 

Rebuild the trust? So you don't trust her now?

[tough love]

Rebuild the trust? So you don't trust her now?

 

Okay, I will put it like this. If she says she is going to the mall or grocery store during the day, while I am at work, I don't feel worried that she is out messing around. I don't give it a second thought.

 

The trust issues surround that time period and whether I have the whole truth about that time period. I thought I had said that in an earlier post.

 

Yes, I have felt and at times still have many of the feelings & emotions that have been mentioned in some of the posts. I have also felt very close to my wife, at times, over the past two months. I have not felt hatred toward her, maybe toward what she has done, but not directly at her. I don't think she is a horrible person, but no longer hold her on the pedestal I once did. Not because of the one night stand 21 years ago, but because of the lying. I don't think she's a sleeze, as someone suggested. As a matter of fact, I know she isn't and I do KNOW she is a good person who made some horrible choices that affected our lives and that we can't change now. Yes, it sucks but there is nothing I can do to change it. I am just trying to heal and get past it as best I can with the hopes of us both being happy again. We are doing much better than we were two months ago, but both understand there is still work to be done.

[pteromom]

At some point you are going to just have to let it go.

 

She may not have handled it in the best way, and maybe she should have told you then.

 

But everything happens for a reason. Maybe if she had told you, you would have broken up. Maybe you would have still loved her, but just needed some time apart to heal. And maybe during that breakup, she might have confided in a male friend and ended up falling in love with him. And maybe that would have sent your lives into completely different trajectories. Maybe she would be in an abusive marriage, and maybe you would be on your third marriage to serial-cheating women, and maybe neither of you would be happy.

 

I assume she has apologized and shown great remorse for what she's done. And I assume you believe that she really is sorry and wishes it had never happened.

 

So... at some point, you have to let it go and focus on what you have, not on something that happened 21 years ago. So here's the question - what do you need to hear that would help you let go? What has she not said that you need to know?

 

You say you love her. You say you trust her. You say you have no doubts about her cheating now.

 

So what do you need to hear? There has to be an answer to that question, or you would be able to let it go and start healing from it.

[BetrayedH]

At some point you are going to just have to let it go.

 

She may not have handled it in the best way, and maybe she should have told you then.

 

But everything happens for a reason. Maybe if she had told you, you would have broken up. Maybe you would have still loved her, but just needed some time apart to heal. And maybe during that breakup, she might have confided in a male friend and ended up falling in love with him. And maybe that would have sent your lives into completely different trajectories. Maybe she would be in an abusive marriage, and maybe you would be on your third marriage to serial-cheating women, and maybe neither of you would be happy.

 

I assume she has apologized and shown great remorse for what she's done. And I assume you believe that she really is sorry and wishes it had never happened.

 

So... at some point, you have to let it go and focus on what you have, not on something that happened 21 years ago. So here's the question - what do you need to hear that would help you let go? What has she not said that you need to know?

 

You say you love her. You say you trust her. You say you have no doubts about her cheating now.

 

So what do you need to hear? There has to be an answer to that question, or you would be able to let it go and start healing from it.

 

I have tremendous respect for you as a poster (it is clear you have a good heart) but I don't know your background and I have to disagree with your post.

 

When it comes to infidelity, encouraging a betrayed spouse in any way to "let it go" just a few months after Dday is unreasonable. Why is the onus on the BS to get over it? He didn't ask for this. He doesn't want to be this way. But her actions have caused it. Why does he have to choke down the sh/t sandwich he was served in silence? If he vomits and some gets on her, it's her own damn fault. It takes years to heal. It's no exaggeration. There is nothing she can "say." It's her actions that created his doubt. It's only consistent actions over time that recreate trust. There is nothing she can say and there should be no pressure on him to get over it. When she busts him in the mouth, she doesn't get to say how long he can bleed.

[road]

Think about it from her point of view though. When exactly would you have brought it up?

 

When she was 19 and made the mistake, she didn't want to risk losing you, so she didn't tell you.

 

You got married, and she didn't want to ruin the wonderful marriage you were building.

 

Kids came along, and - well, so much time has passed now, and it doesn't matter anymore, right?

 

Every day that went by for her made the memory of what she did fade a little more. Every day with you reinforced the face that she loved you and wanted to be with you, and that the past didn't matter anymore.

 

I have a very unpopular opinion on things like this. I think that if someone is a serial cheater or having a long-term affair, then the spouse absolutely needs to know. But I think a one-time mistake is different. If someone makes a mistake, learns from it, and never does it again, not telling the spouse can be a great kindness. Instead of transferring the hurt and guilt to your partner, you hold onto it. It becomes a tumor in your heart that causes you pain for the rest of your life. And since you ARE the one who cheated, that pain SHOULD be yours. Transferring it to your partner can be cruel.

 

As I said, I know it is an unpopular opinion, but that's how I feel about it.

 

Keep focusing on what you've built in the many years you've been together. Don't focus on that small oil stain that is under the foundation. It's buried and doesn't matter.

 

 

It is one thing if a BH does not ask.

 

Even if the BH suspects but does not ask.

 

The WW can avoid telling her BH she had an affair/s. Hiding the truth is not right so the WW would be lying by ommission.

 

Now when a BH suspects a WW of having an affair and asks his WW did you have an affair to not tell the truth she is lying by commission.

[road]

I have tremendous respect for you as a poster (it is clear you have a good heart) but I don't know your background and I have to disagree with your post.

 

When it comes to infidelity, encouraging a betrayed spouse in any way to "let it go" just a few months after Dday is unreasonable. Why is the onus on the BS to get over it? He didn't ask for this. He doesn't want to be this way. But her actions have caused it. Why does he have to choke down the sh/t sandwich he was served in silence? If he vomits and some gets on her, it's her own damn fault. It takes years to heal. It's no exaggeration. There is nothing she can "say." It's her actions that created his doubt. It's only consistent actions over time that recreate trust. There is nothing she can say and there should be no pressure on him to get over it. When she busts him in the mouth, she doesn't get to say how long he can bleed.

 

 

Exactly, WW has an affair and ended it 20 years ago it is ancient history, but only to the WW.

 

Dday today the affair is brand new to the BH. It can never be ancient history to the BH till 20 years have gone by for him past dday.

 

So to say get over it after a few months is not going to cut it. Not when recovery takes 2 to 5 years.

[2sure]

I was way to young and immature at 19 to make decisions about lifetime commitments. I was a freshman in college, living away from home for the very first time. I couldnt pick a major. Every experience was new, because I had none. I had many great experiences, and a few bad. As is often the case with young adults ...in their teens...I was not experienced with alcohol and used poor judgement,or really none. I don't have regrets about it because all of those experiences made me who I am today. I was there to learn about life.

 

8 weeks is way to short of a time to know someone at 19 to committ or reveal your true self too. OP got drunk at college and hurt herself more than anyone else. She didn't want to tell anyone. Trouble is with every lie...you have to keep repeating it.

 

OP was too young to committ, too young to drink, too young to know she was taken advantage of, too young to realize that the bill always comes.

 

There is a real betrayal here as far as just never having matured enough to just tell your spouse the truth. I would be upset that someone I love the most and know the best could look me in the and lie, about anything, after 20 years...

[2sunny]

Did you have a question? Is there something you want from us?

I can't tell - because every time anyone of us gives YOU our own experience and perspective - all you do is defend your wife!

 

YOU can't possibly be looking for truth when you spend all your time defending something that's not even yours to defend.

 

Your wife is even here - SHE'S obviously perfectly capable of defending herself - stop feeling like you need to do her work.

 

Look for truth. It won't happen while your busy defending her...

[tough love]

At some point you are going to just have to let it go.

 

She may not have handled it in the best way, and maybe she should have told you then.

 

But everything happens for a reason. Maybe if she had told you, you would have broken up. Maybe you would have still loved her, but just needed some time apart to heal. And maybe during that breakup, she might have confided in a male friend and ended up falling in love with him. And maybe that would have sent your lives into completely different trajectories. Maybe she would be in an abusive marriage, and maybe you would be on your third marriage to serial-cheating women, and maybe neither of you would be happy.

 

I assume she has apologized and shown great remorse for what she's done. And I assume you believe that she really is sorry and wishes it had never happened.

 

So... at some point, you have to let it go and focus on what you have, not on something that happened 21 years ago. So here's the question - what do you need to hear that would help you let go? What has she not said that you need to know?

 

You say you love her. You say you trust her. You say you have no doubts about her cheating now.

 

So what do you need to hear? There has to be an answer to that question, or you would be able to let it go and start healing from it.

 

I also respect all of your posts and have read them each several times. They do give me a different point of view.

 

I wish I knew what I needed to hear, really. What I don't need to hear is it was only a 10 min. mistake that happened 21 years ago that meant nothing and wasn't a big deal. It was a series of choices that started then and 21 years of lies and it was a big deal. All of the above statements, IMO, are attempts to minimize it all, as if a committment doesn't mean anything without a ring or vows, which really just p!$$e$ me off. If that's really how she feels, then I NEED to know that too, so I know that what she wrote in our old love letters wasn't true.

 

I NEED honesty above anything, which I thought I had for the past 21 years. Turns out that wasn't the case.

I NEED to know that I have ALL the truth about that night, that she has been honest with me about all I have asked and that it was only a one time thing. After all that has happened, I am having hard time believing I have the full truth. This is my trust issue.

 

I NEED for this to not be minimized by her and to acknowledge that she DID cheat me of making an informed life choice, whether it meant we stayed together or went our separate ways.

 

Maybe everything does happen for a reason and what you said is true. Maybe everything happens for a reason and by her not telling me, the result of her cheating never came to be. You see, that's the problem. It creates so much doubt about that time. We could have still ended up together. We could have went separate ways and both been miserable, or maybe we would have went separate ways and she would have found the person she could be faithful and honest to and I would have been with someone who could be faithful and honest to me. We will never know this because she made the choice on her own.

 

Maybe she doesn't mean to minimize it, but I do think she does as a defense mechanism.

Edited August 25, 2012 by tough love

[tough love]

I have tremendous respect for you as a poster (it is clear you have a good heart) but I don't know your background and I have to disagree with your post.

 

When it comes to infidelity, encouraging a betrayed spouse in any way to "let it go" just a few months after Dday is unreasonable. Why is the onus on the BS to get over it? He didn't ask for this. He doesn't want to be this way. But her actions have caused it. Why does he have to choke down the sh/t sandwich he was served in silence? If he vomits and some gets on her, it's her own damn fault. It takes years to heal. It's no exaggeration. There is nothing she can "say." It's her actions that created his doubt. It's only consistent actions over time that recreate trust. There is nothing she can say and there should be no pressure on him to get over it. When she busts him in the mouth, she doesn't get to say how long he can bleed.

 

This came up in one of counseling sessions and hits the nail on the head as to how I have felt about the responsibility of getting over this being on me, when I didn't ask for it. Actually, I asked for the truth 21 years ago and made it clear other times before we were married that I didn't want to be played for a fool. Yet, I just need to get over it.

 

I want to and understand that I need to get over this. I am just not there yet. I really want to get there because I am sick and tired of feeling this way. Maybe it shouldn't bother me as much as it does but this is how I am wired. I would give anything to change how much I let things bother me and how emotional I can be. It really hits the ego. lol

[tough love]

Did you have a question? Is there something you want from us?

I can't tell - because every time anyone of us gives YOU our own experience and perspective - all you do is defend your wife!

 

YOU can't possibly be looking for truth when you spend all your time defending something that's not even yours to defend.

 

Your wife is even here - SHE'S obviously perfectly capable of defending herself - stop feeling like you need to do her work.

 

Look for truth. It won't happen while your busy defending her...

 

I am not sure what you want me to say? I have said that feel betrayed, I am mad, don't believe I know the entire truth about that night/time period, etc.... I have defended her from the name calling because I still do love her and care about her. Hell, I would probably defend anyone from name calling.

 

Getting the perspective from those of you with experience has been helpful and I have said so and also said I have fealt the same. You have no idea how many times and how much time I have spent grilling her for the truth about that time. How do you go back 21 years for the truth? Seriously, is there any way to go back that far and get the truth? There is no way to know if she really told me the truth about that night or if there were any other incidents. Do I throw it all way and turn our kids' lives upside down because I am not sure?

[Darth Vader]

The original time I asked her about it was about 6 months after we started dating, then about 3 months ago, after the sleep talking. The confession was about 2 months ago.

 

I did not suggest she post here, but was aware she was posting and she does know I visit this site. I actually read her post before she actually posted to the site.

 

Alice2012, no, she doesn't drink other than the occasional drink with me, doesn't go out with the girls or any of that, so that is why I am not concerned that she cheated after marriage. You are making way too many assumptions.

 

nofool4u, we are in counseling beause most of the feelings/emotions some of the posters have posted are things I am feeling. But I do trust her in the present. My issues are with the first year of dating. And yes, the cheating hurts, but, as mentioned the not knowing hurts worse along with the "trickle truth", which has caused trust issues with the first year we were together. But I do trust her in the present. Our counselors found that odd too, but that is really how I feel. By no means are things perfect now and our world has been turned upside down. We are both trying to work at rebuilding the trust and get back to what I thought we had.

 

2sunny, the hickey incident didn't concern me because she didn't do anything IMO. She had too much to drink that night and passed out (which I did an awful lot of at that age too) and some guy decided to take advantage or try and be cute and give her the hickey. I don't see her as a willing participant.

 

 

Booze or no Booze, she willingly screwed another man! How is it people keep calling this a mistake? You can accidentally trip fall and have sex with someone, that means it's intentional! Your wife willingly straddled some other man 20 years ago without thinking about how it would effect you, possibly giving you STD's and lying about it all this time and here you are attempting to minimize it, you can't minimize it, otherwise you'll be letting her off the hook and chances are she will do it again because she won't respect you! Hell, she doesn't respect you now, neither has she ever by letting this continue for this long! Do you honestly think she would have tolerated this from you if the roles were reversed? HELL NO!

[tough love]

I was way to young and immature at 19 to make decisions about lifetime commitments. I was a freshman in college, living away from home for the very first time. I couldnt pick a major. Every experience was new, because I had none. I had many great experiences, and a few bad. As is often the case with young adults ...in their teens...I was not experienced with alcohol and used poor judgement,or really none. I don't have regrets about it because all of those experiences made me who I am today. I was there to learn about life.

 

8 weeks is way to short of a time to know someone at 19 to committ or reveal your true self too. OP got drunk at college and hurt herself more than anyone else. She didn't want to tell anyone. Trouble is with every lie...you have to keep repeating it.

 

OP was too young to committ, too young to drink, too young to know she was taken advantage of, too young to realize that the bill always comes.

 

There is a real betrayal here as far as just never having matured enough to just tell your spouse the truth. I would be upset that someone I love the most and know the best could look me in the and lie, about anything, after 20 years...

 

I agree with much of what you are saying. To give you a little more info, we were looking at engagement rings about 10 months after we began dating (we knew eachother through work for a year or two) and we were engaged about 13 months after we began dating (less than a year after she cheated). We were married 3 years after we began dating. We were young and immature, but it all seemed so perfect. Up until 2 months ago, I REALLY believe we had the perfect marriage. We NEVER fought, got along great, had kids, built a home, had great times, etc.... I know people say there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but I thought we had it. Now I KNOW there REALLY is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

[Darth Vader]

Here's another thing, if she says she's having a hard time remembering "details", Yeah, RIGHT! She remembers EVERYTHING! Women always do! She doesn't want to "HURT" you anymore, that's the reason for not disclosing everything to you!

 

IMO, she went all the way through the sex with the OM unprotected, not just 10 minutes like she "claims"! You may think, why am I saying it this way, well, think about it, if you were her and you were 10 minutes into having sexual intercourse, she'd be orgasming right about then, so why would she stop it then? See where I'm going with this? I'm not trying to get overly graphic, but, I want you to see from another angle as to why your wife doesn't "remember", she's thinking she's gonna lose you, and she should lose you IMO. I think she's still minimizing and trickle truthing!

[BetrayedH]

Just so you know, I found more "truth" about my wife's affair seven months into reconciling. The script is to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. All of the professions that she had learned from her mistake, would never lie to me again, blah, blah, blah. All bull****. They're ****ing liars, dude. Quit with the lovey dovey crap. She's not very lovable right now. Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is she doing something to prove to you that she is changing from that person she has been the last 20 years? Or are gou just trying to "get over it?" Consistent actions over time (2-5 years). Do you have that in you? The more work SHE does, the closer you get to 2 years. The couples I see here turned a corner at 4 years. No joke.

[hammermill]

To everyone. Believe me I know what I did was wrong. I know I have hurt my husband terrible. I hate to see him hurting. Please don't assume that because I cheated once, that I cheated again. That is simply not the case. People can regret what they have done and never do it again. I have told my husband the truth about that night. There are some details that I may not remember but I have told him what I do remember.

 

I am so glad that we have a God that forgives. I know I have been forgiven for all of my sins. I just pray that my husband will someday forgive me.

[Darth Vader]

To everyone. Believe me I know what I did was wrong. I know I have hurt my husband terrible. I hate to see him hurting. Please don't assume that because I cheated once, that I cheated again. That is simply not the case. People can regret what they have done and never do it again. I have told my husband the truth about that night. There are some details that I may not remember but I have told him what I do remember.

 

I am so glad that we have a God that forgives. I know I have been forgiven for all of my sins. I just pray that my husband will someday forgive me.

 

 

Tough Love: She does remember and knows "EVERYTHING"! Don't fall for her BS! Most of the time when a woman says "we kissed only once" translation: we had sex! If they say "we only had sex once" Translation: we had sex more than once, possibly a full blown affair! She's only trying to cover her ass so you don't drop and divorce her! She's hiding something, I can feel it!