cheated one time 21 years ago before marriage

[2sunny]

To everyone. Believe me I know what I did was wrong. I know I have hurt my husband terrible. I hate to see him hurting. Please don't assume that because I cheated once, that I cheated again. That is simply not the case. People can regret what they have done and never do it again. I have told my husband the truth about that night. There are some details that I may not remember but I have told him what I do remember.

 

I am so glad that we have a God that forgives. I know I have been forgiven for all of my sins. I just pray that my husband will someday forgive me.

 

I don't believe you when you say "you stopped it right after it started" - I definitely think that part is completely UNBELIEVABLE!

 

My gut says you DO remember - but you're unwilling to tell.

 

IF you want him to BELIEVE you - OFFER to be hypnotized with him present to listen to what ACTUALLY happened.

 

Offer! Then HE will KNOW!

[2sunny]

To the original poster - you were naive back then - you've admitted that - but I think you're STILL being naive NOW. That's why it's still bothering you.

[Cb3657]

I think she could be telling the truth but I wonder what makes her think god has forgiven her, why does she know that, sounds like she has forgiven herself.

I really find this one diffucult since if you take the truth to be what has been written in the posts to date then I think he will come to forgive her on his time since this was a one time event long past, she has to rebuild trust which likely will take quite a while since the lie went on for so long, but I agree that the story sounds unlikely and I really don't think she has any right to forgive herself yet.

 

Hammermill if there is any more to this get it out now, this is a rock rolling down a hill , you have no remaining control of the process,it won't stop till everything is out and all will be found out whether you wish it our not, the quicker it's all out the better. Any remaining lies will drag down the trust building you have to do.

[2sunny]

Her continued lies were recent!

 

Seems she ONLY gets honest when she's backed into a corner -THAT'S what not sitting well with me.

[BetrayedH]

Amen to that. Pun intended.

 

I'm wondering why on earth she would even bring "God's forgiveness" into this.

It's just more minimizing and an insult.

 

You know, my wife suddenly rediscovered her catholocism after her affair. At one point she told me that it wasn't my place to judge her. I made it clear that it was exactly my place to judge her. Her marriage vows were made with me. That was our agreement. I absolutely judged her guilty of having violated our agreement by ****ing someone else for a ****ing year while she kept me fully invested in my part of the agreement. And I have a feeling God might just have something to say about her behavior. What bull****.

[BetrayedH]

She actually said that with a straight face? :laugh:

 

Yep, it was God's place to judge her, not mine. She wanted forgiveness. She wanted me to get over it. By God, I tried until I found that blog. What a waste. She'd been lying the whole time.

[2sunny]

It's really not necessary to forgive someone - especially when/if you aren't clear about the full scope of what you're intending to forgive!

 

When your wife won't give you ALL of what you need to know - I don't think there's ANY way to "forgive" what you don't REALLY know.

 

And it irks me too that your wife has an ego so big - that she presumes to "play God" to serve HER purpose! How convenient of her ! About as convenient as "not remembering"!

 

Your wife needs to work on reducing her inflated ego!

 

Don't forgive what you don't know! That's MY suggestion!

 

She can take a polygraph AND do hypnosis if she needs you to believe her! Let HER prove she's not lying further!

[Ninja'sHusband]

I don't really know if we have anything more to offer these two. It's all on the wife to tell the truth....and for the BH to verify the best he can and live his life.

 

All we can do here is bicker and speculate, or offer support. I'd say let these two do what they need to and let things run their course. Are there actually any more questions from the OP or the BH? or is it all just unsolicited advice now?

[Wanderer25]

Will it hurt him more if you tell him that it did not stop within 10 min and you enjoyed it? Yes

 

 

Will he hurt less if you lie to him about the extent of the betrayal ? : Yes

 

 

Should you keep lying just to protect him from more hurt? : No

 

Tell him all you remember. If you keep lying, he will always have a nagging suspicion that will destroy your R and the marriage.

 

If you did tell him the whole truth, good on you and help him deal with the pain

[BetrayedH]

The mistake your ex and the Op are making is that the supernatural being they worship is Cthulu not God. I'm not sure that anyone gives a damn if Cthulu forgave them.

 

Obscure Metallica references are cool.

 

I think the only thing blocking forgiveness was actually just coming clean in the first place (isn't that a prerequisite, along with repentence?). Apparently putting your family thru divorce is easier than telling the truth to your BH.

[2sunny]

You conned this man into marrying you without giving him a choice. Had he known then what he knows now he probably would of gotten rid of you, as he should have.

 

Yep. And IF she's STILL not being CONPLETELY honest - then she's still supporting HER lies.

[2sunny]

And THAT resentment should've directed ALL on her!

SHE created all this with lies - yet YOU defend HER!

 

She's not the person she has portrayed to you because SHE has been willing to lie about herself for 21 years!

 

Who is she REALLY?

 

We can't know until she"remembers her truth"!

 

The TRUTH shall set you free - remember THAT quote?

[Cb3657]

Boy people really like to pile on here, one negative comment and its 100% divorce the B****, I hope everyone understands that he is likely to stay and all your doing is poisoning the waters. Yes they have to rebuild. yes, if she has not, she must come clean but they have 21 years invested and it all wasnt a lie.There was a lie in it but some people can do a horrible thing once and never again and build a quality life and character. Great people have taken horrible thing to thier graves and thier lives are judged as a balance. This one thing does not tipp the scale to monster/whore

 

If she is telling the truth then she was a dedicated wife and mother for all those years. it seems like many who have been betrayed cannot see what they would have wanted, only the reflection of thier own betrayal. I have read the stories of many of the most vociferous posters and all would have given thier best to thier marriages if they could prove that what went on here was the real story.

Just so everyone knows I am older and I dont remember the details of a lot of stories even when I was doing horrible things. This could be true.

[Cb3657]

If all these things are true it does not make the betrayal any better but it does say she has done her best to live a good life with a man she adores.

If she is telling the truth and you were in her shoes what would you say? how would you react?

She did this thing 21 years ago and has spend a entire marriage trying to atone for it. We seem to utterly disregard that she could be telling 100% of the truth then whats left, do people have to spend every minute of the rest of thier lives reliving a bad decision.

If she stops minimizing ,by your standard, all she can say is I am a horrible person, he gets to agree, now everything she has done since that day is the lie. how do you think she will feel after that. I think at that point many people would say "why am i here if I am so horrible?"

He does not have to forgive her but if she is telling the truth she is not a bad person by my lights ther arent enough good mothers and wives to throw them out for decades old mistakes, and I wish them all the happyness they can get.

[Greznog]

The problem isn't even the cheating, it's the fact that she lied ( even when confronted ) time and time again over the course of over two decades. It's not like she broke down crying 5 years into the marriage and confessed all. She talked about it in her sleep and even then she kept lying.

 

I couldn't give a rats ass about an affair 21 years ago, it'd be her ability and willingness to lie to this degree.

[2sunny]

The problem isn't even the cheating, it's the fact that she lied ( even when confronted ) time and time again over the course of over two decades. It's not like she broke down crying 5 years into the marriage and confessed all. She talked about it in her sleep and even then she kept lying.

 

I couldn't give a rats ass about an affair 21 years ago, it'd be her ability and willingness to lie to this degree.

 

Yep........

[Cb3657]

Good luck living your perfect life with all the perfect people around you who always do the right thing.

Ultimately he should care how she feels, I believe it is likely he returns, to say F*** her then he might as well leave now. I say again most folks who have been betrayed would trade for this situation in a heartbeat. For all reasons bulleted as minimizing above.

Sorry I am not going to continue this disscussion since I belive it is foolish, if he wishes to punish her he will if he cannot get past it he will leave. I just believe that if this is the truth she has written an apolgy across many good years,no it wont be the last nor does he have to forgive but I know I would want to forgive and I know I could not do that by getting to a point of saying you are a horrible person and trivalizing everything since then.

[Cb3657]

Sorry if I sounded as if I was responding to your comment on lieing, that indeed is the worst part that is where the apolgy has to come from but I dont know anyone who has not lied in thier life. This is a human behaviour not good but surely not the worst thing you can think of, try a serial cheater giving a std to her husband or a wife who cheats regularly and posts about it. This will be overcome.

[road]

If all these things are true it does not make the betrayal any better but it does say she has done her best to live a good life with a man she adores.

If she is telling the truth and you were in her shoes what would you say? how would you react?

She did this thing 21 years ago and has spend a entire marriage trying to atone for it. We seem to utterly disregard that she could be telling 100% of the truth then whats left, do people have to spend every minute of the rest of thier lives reliving a bad decision.

If she stops minimizing ,by your standard, all she can say is I am a horrible person, he gets to agree, now everything she has done since that day is the lie. how do you think she will feel after that. I think at that point many people would say "why am i here if I am so horrible?"

He does not have to forgive her but if she is telling the truth she is not a bad person by my lights ther arent enough good mothers and wives to throw them out for decades old mistakes, and I wish them all the happyness they can get.

 

This WW has made he BH live a live for 21 years.

 

Having his favorite meal every night with her doing him after for desert is nice. Though it does not make up for having him live a lie for 21 years.

 

Now that the cat (pussy) is out of the bag this WW must tell the whole truth. I don't remembers are not going to cut it now.

 

This WW must do everything to prove that she is telling the whole truth now. She can do this by first writing a time line of the affair. Doing so will help her to recall details.

[eleanorhurting]

my advice to the OP and her husband is to get out of this site right now!

 

You are in counseling and you should continue to work on this very hard complicated and fragile issue with someone who is a professional not with people who are commenting here without knowing who you are and without having any qualifications to do so.

 

Good luck with everything.

[Cb3657]

I guess I will never get it. happy not to have it.

Good luck to tough love and hammermill, see you counselors

[2sunny]

Apparently ENOUGH was said AT THAT TIME for the room mate to understand that SOMETHING had happened. Something that was cause enough for the room mate to want her then boyfriend to KNOW that something had happened!

 

So - she must have remembered it then... Maybe you two can tap into THAT resource and find out what the room mate remembers... It's worth a try at finding out your wife's TRUTH ---> since SHE doesn't remember ---> find out from someone who might!

[anne1707]

Boy does this thread feel like a witch hunt

 

Hammerhill and Tough Love

 

I can completely understand why you are no longer posting in this thread and if you are reading it, I suggest you stop now. It seems to me that the two of you are talking to each other and both want to make things work - don't let yourself be jaded by opinions of others. You both decide what you both want to do.

 

If you are both prepared to do the work, you can get through this together.

[tough love]

I don't really know if we have anything more to offer these two. It's all on the wife to tell the truth....and for the BH to verify the best he can and live his life.

 

All we can do here is bicker and speculate, or offer support. I'd say let these two do what they need to and let things run their course. Are there actually any more questions from the OP or the BH? or is it all just unsolicited advice now?

 

Nope, no more questions. I have read all the posts, admitted to how I feel.

 

Maybe it's easy for some of you to throw away 21 years that have been happy and not take into account what it will do to our kids. I am not one of those people.

 

I know there is work to be done and it is being done. I KNOW she has been faithful since we have been married. We have spent almos every nite together since after our first year dating, other than we were home from college on weekends at our parents' (we ended up going to the same college after that first year). The only nights we have not spent together since marriage were when she was in the hospital, giving birth or when I was on an overnite business trip and she was home with the kids. We have worked together since we started dating for all but 2 years after we were married.

 

I do agree with some of the comments and know I have some of the feelings and doubt. But, I do know my wife better than any of you. I don't think she has forgiven herself. Trust me, I KNOW HER BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU. If I thought she was a horrible person and mother, I wouldn't be willing to stick this out. Again, I know there is work to be done and she knows there is work to be done and trust rebuilt. She IS working at it.

 

I was hoping to get advice from people who HAVE healed. There have been some really helpful posts but there are some really bitter people out there and misery loves company.

[tough love]

How does it feel to get married under false pretenses, the vows were already broken before you even took them. You feel good marrying a woman who had another man inside her while you were with her ? Have you no dignity ? Your 21 years has been one big fascade and a lie.

 

What exactly is the point of your post, other than to stir ****?

 

I have already posted as to how I feel about this. I can rehash it a million times and I am not going to feel any better about it. The fact is she cheated 21, it wasn't an affair and yes, she lied about it, recently. I don't know what else you want me to say? Are you saying I just walk out on her and my kids? It ain't going to happen without at least an effort at getting through this. As I said before, maybe others can do it, but I am not one of those people without an joint effort at getting through this. I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks, but I do love my wife, even though I have all of the feelings I do.

Edited August 27, 2012 by tough love