Depression

[K12345]

I have been depressed for the past 2 years now, from a number of things.

<I am 17years old>

I was the short/skinny kid and was constantly made fun of during school (I still get made fun of being skinny). The kids were usually cruel. And i don't have that many friends. Everytime I get a girlfriend she usually dumps me a week after. I just hate my life.

I really hate my family. I hate how my sister always tries to get me in trouble and has a major fking attitude problem. My Dad don't even associate with each other that much anymore. We may say a few words to each other each day. My Mom is a total b**ch. I hate her. I hate the sound of her voice. It's so intimidating. I can't even talk to her something because I'll scared she'll bitch at me. When I call for her "Mom" she usually answers with a snappy "WHAT?!" or a "<Sigh> whaaaaat". I feel like I can't turn to any of them for when I have a problem. They all seem fine with my sister. And usually I cut myself out of family events. I don't even feel like I'm part of the family.

 

I have gotten to the point where for the past 2years all I do is play computer games all day and night 24/7 and get anywhere between 5-0 hours of sleep a night. The only other thing I do is masturbate at night because i'm so God-d**n lonely. I swear I hate my life so much right now. THe constant torture of going to school my entire life and dealing with all the cruel kids s**t has put me into this state of mind that I have 0 Self-Confidence, and 0 Self-Esteem. In my eyes I am a Ugly, Skinny, Pale, worthless waste of skin and space in society. I pray to God everyday for me to be killed. I cry at night and wish i was somebody else.

 

To be honest I am crying as I am typing this. I think about suicide everyday. I just wish I had the courage to go in the cabinet and swallow 40pills and be done with this endless torture.

 

Not to mention how i think my body has changed as well. I now am pale from sitting on this f***ing computer all day. I have 0 self motivation to do anything because my luck sucks. Everytime I get the initiative to do something it ALWAYS goes HORRIBLY wrong. Or it just doesn't work.

 

As I said my state of mind is a wreck as well. I hate people now. All people. I have a few friends, yes, but I hate mostly everyone in school. How they all have good popular lives, and because of them making fun of for so long I am a horrible person and.... freak. I'm not even a person anymore.

 

I have even become racist. All it took was a few foreign, and black kids to make fun of me. And now I have turned into a racist pig. And I know It's VERY WRONG to think this way. But I cannot help it. I hate my life SO MUCH right now. And the cruel kids who have TORTURED me over the years has done this to me.

 

There was this one girl I totally fell in love with this year. I won't state her name but we'll car here "H" for now. I dreamed about her night and day. Finally I had enough initiative at the end of the year to go outside, tan, life some weight, and then I asked her. She gave me her number but when asking if she wanted to date she said she was "talking" to someone else and she was going to go out with him soon.

 

Which of course figures...so I went back to sitting in my dark, pathetic corner.

 

It has gotten SO bad to the point that when I get home from school. I usually go in my room, dream of "H" while holding my pillow, I cry my eyes out until I fall asleep, then I dream of killing the person that made fun of me that day, get up in the afternoon, eat dinner, and play computer games all night and masturbate. Go to bed at like 4 in the morning. And then get up for school.

 

I swear I Just HATE my life. I don't even know why I bothered to take the time to find a site that I coud write this. I wish I had a gun right now so I could put it in my mouth and pull the trigger.

[Boobata]

Mate I think you may need to get some professional help...

 

Sounds as though things are pretty ****house at the moment and you don't seem to be doing to great a job of getting on top of it...

 

It probably wouldn't hurt to go and get yourself on some anti-depressants to help get rid of those too nasty thoughts and to take the edge off those impulses... all you need to go and do is get the bright idea to go kill yourself, chicken out at the last minute and end up like a vegetable... even worse succeed when that wasn't really the point of the whole exercise.

 

Once your able to get one step ahead of those **** thoughts... GO AND FIX THINGS... are you really going to acheive anything by sitting in front of the computer 24/7, not getting any light or interaction with other people. To be honest... personally, I think that would make you look even worse.... so if you looked skinny and pastey 2 years ago... i'm sure it looks worse now.

 

Go and get some sunshine, join a gym and bulk up get a new haircut... it's the new millenium, divorce your family and buy a new face if that's what it takes.

 

This negative thinking is like downward spiral... or like pringles, once you pop you can't stop... But once you're aware that these thoughts are dragging you down you can begin the process of stopping them. Everyone's response to an action is different... the thing that makes the reactions different is the thought... you have had alot of practice at that negative thought which in turn makes every event ****house... take the time to say f**k them... you're 17... go and ask for help and do something for yourself....

 

Incase you can't tell I'm a psych nurse... I go through this with people every day... and it actually does help....

 

Let me know how you go.... believe it or not... you can get through this and there are people out there who care... you just have to get up off your skinny behind and find them

[Stop IT]

bro keep yourhead up. Look into peoples eyes and shake hands firmly. STOP being so damn negative its your life, your the only one who can change it. Lifes to short and your too young to dwell on the past. Keep moving forward and get off the damn computer. Take walks, drive around enjoy the weather.

[RoboHobo]

Yeah, keep your head up. I've been at the suicidal stage many many times in my life, don't do it!

 

You need to discover some things about yourself that you like and keep on reinforcing it to yourself. If you aren't going to change for yourself who will you change for? You need to build some self worth, this will make interacting with people much easier. Maybe you need to achieve a goal, set something achievable that you will be proud of. The goal shouldn't be related to your computer games at all, you need to break your dependency of computer games. They are a great hobby, but they can't be your life.

 

If you need them take some anti-depressants for a while but be careful, you should perhaps start with a natural anti-depressant like St. Johns Wort. Take it for a while (a month or two) and see if it helps, if there is absolutely no effect then go to a doctor for advice on what to take. Speak to a counsellor or psychologist if you can, unloading is important.

 

Try to get some exercise, it releases endorphines and at the same time you will be improving your body and your health. Don't sit all night and play computer games, get some sleep. A lack of sleep causes/heightens depression. Instead try spending time at a friends house, or doing something that will make you physically tired so that you can sleep easier. Reading a book before bed can also be a great way to relax and fall asleep. Stay away from the sleeping tablets, if a doctor prescribes them at a later point fine but for now avoid them, their effects are too strong. You need to make yourself strong, not dependent on drugs.

 

Ignore your family, they don't sound like they deserve your time. Concentrate on yourself rather. If you are pale, get some sun. I don't for a second believe that you are ugly, in your eyes you may be and that has to change. Buy some clothes that make you feel good and compliment your body, if you are thin wearing something that is designed to show off muscles isn't gonna look great, but the right slightly loose cotton shirt will say I have a great body with no fat. Get a new haircut, ask the hairdresser what will suit you. Pamper yourself with stuff. Buy a different deodorant that you think smells awesome. You could even ask a female at the store which fragrance they think is the most enticing.

 

When you greet someone look them in the face, smile and stand up straight. This shows confidence, even if you don't feel confident.

 

Maybe you should get a part time job. It will keep away from your family and the computer, give you independence since you will be earning your own money, make you tired so that you can get enough sleep and interacting with other people will help to develop your self confidence.

 

You have to be motivated to make these changes for yourself though, don't do it for someone else, you deserve to be happy and only you can be the provider. If you are confidant in yourself people will be drawn to you. Be warned that it will take time to change, it never happens over night and there are no quick solutions. Don't loose hope though, the good stuff will come, be strong.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted.

 

Oh, and tackle these issues now, it can be devastating to have to deal with this later in life.