Nude Photos of his ex's privates

[Ugh1]

Honestly, if I suspect he is getting to that point where he will ask me to marry him, and he hasn't said anything about it.. I will bring it up. I will simply tell him, "Baby... remember on my birthday when you took me... well, I got on your computer to leave you a little surprise picture and I saw the pics of the other girls. I would appreciate it if you will delete them, because it would make me uncomfortable to be your potential wife with that stuff still on there. I want to start fresh and the first thing I will do as your wife is let you take all the classy, nude pictures you want to replace them." What I said earlier about asking to see his computer was a little irritated comment. That really isn't me. But, I won't marry a guy who hangs on to that nasty stuff.

Think about this...

From a guys perspective... You ask a girl to marry you and one day you see folders titled, "Wowwwww!!!" and see sexy pics of her ex's. Not private parts (because most girls don't get turned on by that), just sexy pictures of the two of them together,... etc... Would that bother you? Would that piss you off? Hurt you?

Most guys would be offended.

I am. I love this guy and I have believed everything he has said to me about how important I am to him. He loves my kids. He treats me with kindness and patience. I love him. It hurts me to think he has put me in the same category as these past flings.

That being said... I absolutely don't think he consiously decided that I was just like them. I just think his OCD personality needed to organize his "jerk off" material. (to put it bluntly)

However, it does hurt my feelings a little bit.

[BetrayedH]

I do empathize with what you went thru. I would be disturbed if I found my gf had a bunch of pictures of her old BFs d*cks.

 

I think you're already landing in a healthier place. I would still just recommend you have that conversation sooner rather than later. Unresolved issues breed resentment. And unresolved resentment will KILL a relationship. Now I've learned that as soon as I feel a twinge of being uncomfortable about something with my GF, that means it has to come up. Maybe not right this second and definitely not in a controlling fashion (smart of you to avoid that old pattern, BTW) but it needs to be resolved.

 

My $.02 anyway. Hope things work out well for you.

[GLDheart]

GLD - They make me realize that the things he says about where he is in this relationship, probably aren't accurate. He is talking about finishing college (we are both over 30) and marrying me. He seems head over heals in love with me, but how can that be if he has that stuff. I just figure, when he gets to the place where he needs to be in order to be married to me, he will delete them. Right? What is wrong with expecting a man to do the right thing on his own? Without some woman (who is NOT his wife) nagging him about it. Then he deletes them because I said so, and he is irritated with me because I 'made' him do it..

 

I like your view on it all. It is what I would want my SO to say if I was in your BF's shoes.

 

You are also very realistic that his "talk" of marriage is about as "real" as me talking about buying a sweet 69 Camaro. Yes I would love it... but It just may never really happen.

 

As for him doing the right thing on his own, well... sometimes us dumb guys just don't know it even bothers you. You may want to bust his balls a bit next the time he wants to get laid and your not feeling in the mood.

 

Now you can say "I'm not in the mood. Go wank to your old girlfriends. Atleast a still picture can't tell you no. OH! And another thing, don't ever expect to get a picture of me while you still keep that crap. I refuse to part of your little collection."

 

Of course, I would tone down the passive aggressive part of that but I do enjoy writing it ;-)

Edited August 24, 2012 by GLDheart

[Ugh1]

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

I would never say that. Well, I would if I politely asked him to remove them and he refused.

No More Nookie For YOU!

I am sure it will come up sooner rather than later and someday down the road I can tease him about how I got to see lots of unwelcome p***y on my birthday. lol

[KungFuJoe]

I'm sorry but I would be VERY concerned about his maturity level considering the nature of the pics, the names he gave them, and the fact that he is 32 and still going to college?

 

Not that there is anything wrong with still going to school (I'm 38 and I never even finished) but when you see a pattern of behavior, you need to start taking a real close look and thinking to yourself...is this the guy you want by your side for the rest of your life, through thick and thin, for better or for worse?

[Ugh1]

Well, he was in the navy for a while. He got married and was married for 6 years and working at a job that paid him pretty well. Stuff happened and his marriage ended (no need to go in to that here), but he was not the reason for the split. He was single for two years before we reconnected. We were childhood friends. I think his decision to go back to college was based on the fact that he could make alot more money with his degree (+ college is paid for with his military benefits.)

His thinking (he has told me this) is that he needs to finally settle into a career if he wants to take on a family (I'm a single mom with 2 kids) not just get married.

*ya see why I think he is serious about our relationship when he is saying these things.

He does act like a big kid sometimes, but I would choose a gentle, playful mate then a "mature" man who yells and has anger issues. (Been married before... that is why it ended.)

[Negative Nancy]

Bottom line... get over it.

 

Yeah, of course If a man here "happened to find" his current gf's diary full of candid explicit details of all the sexual acts she did with her ex-boyfriends, I hope you would give the same advise to the men here who most likely would be literally choking on their feelings of retroactive jealousy.

 

Though I got a feeling men here would apply double standards again...as usual

[BewitchedandBothered]

So, it was my birthday and I had a few hours at my house alone before my boyfriend (together exclusively a year and a half) came back from an errand he was running. So I decided that I would fix myself up nice and pretty and take a sexy picture for him and put it in my folder on his computer. I don't like pictures of myself so I don't let him take very many. I figured he would go looking and find an extra "sweet" one. He had left his computer turned on at my desk. Went through his pictures to find my folder (very OCD about organization, so I knew there must be a folder of me in his pix) Well, there was... right next to "Susie" and "Jennifer" and "Carli" and so on and so on... Well, my folder had 2 appropriate pics in it. Me smiling in his favorite shirt... etc... The rest of the folders had total about 40 pics of boobs, ass, lots of P***sy and other full body nude pics. Needless to say I was pretty down on my birthday. Properties said all those folders were put on his new computer in March of this year. So, I am sure he is aware they are there. I trust him. I know they are old pictures, but why keep those when he has told me we will be together, get married someday, etc... ??? I'm so confused.

 

Very uncomfortable; not with the snooping, but with what you found. I have no patience for that stuff. Would he be okay with it if you had a collection of schlong pictures and plumber's cracks? If he wouldn't like that, then he should delete the female genitalia from his folder. Creepy that he has that in the first place.

[Ugh1]

Nancy and Bewitched... thanks for backing me up! Most the responses I have gotten are from men and there have been alot of comments about how I am playing games and how these aren't masterbation material... I should just come back to reality. Glad to get more female responses.

If I live to be 110 I don't think that will be long enough to understand men. They baffle the Sh** out of me. There is such a huge double standard when it comes to them. They can look and lust after other women, and it is "normal." We look and lust after other men, and we are whores. (not that I think most women do this... I really think most women give alot more in a relationship than men do) *sorry guys... this is just my perception

I just know that I give about 110% into my relationships and I have been burned, burned, burned in the past. I would give and they would take.

This guy, though... I give 110% and he gives about 75% (that's the most I have ever experienced) and it is nice.

I have had some nice feedback from a couple of guys (see gldheart) and it has made me really think. *thanks*

Any more women want to back me up>>> please share.

[CarrieT]

Ugh, I don't think the images are masturbatorial material. I think they are trophies. He may not remember he has them or he doesn't look at them very often, but he acquired them and won't think of getting rid of them without being told.

 

I'm willing to bet he doesn't equate the idea that he needs to get rid of them before asking you to marry him. They are probably like love letters or locks of hair... just remembrances of past relationships. Yes, they are icky and intimate, but close-up shots of privates are rarely used for masturbating (in general).

[rainfall]

Nude pictures of an ex should go in the trash or at the very least in a locked box in the back of the closet never to be taken out again. They have no place in a new relationship.

 

I don't really like porn but I would much rather find porn on my boyfriend's computer than naked pictures of some chick he used to have feelings for and a relationship with.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I agree with CarrieT--it's trophies and I can't help but wonder if all these ladies think they are the only one he's requesting pictures from==you thought you were the only one. That's my point. He has this strange need to hoard pictures of women's uglies. Married or not, you are in a committed relatinoship===people on here seem to think that just because you're not married, he should be able to have this stuff in his folder. Makes my skin crawl, actually. You can't unsee that stuff.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Ugh, I don't think the images are masturbatorial material. I think they are trophies. He may not remember he has them or he doesn't look at them very often, but he acquired them and won't think of getting rid of them without being told.

 

I'm willing to bet he doesn't equate the idea that he needs to get rid of them before asking you to marry him. They are probably like love letters or locks of hair... just remembrances of past relationships. Yes, they are icky and intimate, but close-up shots of privates are rarely used for masturbating (in general).

 

If he's in love with her, he doesn't need that stuff. If he wanted to whack off, he can find general stuff online---not ladies he is communicating with. I so agree with you. The fellow sounds shady to me.

[pteromom]

I dunno. I have photos (clothed, non-sexual photos) of lots of my exes. And old love letters, etc. I would NEVER get rid of them. They were part of my life, and part of what made me who I am, and the pictures and memories represent MY LIFE.

 

I would not tear them up or burn them for my husband. But they are hidden in a tote in the back of a closet. He doesn't see them or have them in his face.

 

I don't think it's that big of a deal to even have nude photos of exes. BUT - he should have hid them. He should have used a password on the folder. He should have made sure you could never run across them and be hurt by them.

 

But now, you've seen them. I think you have a responsibility to tell him you saw them and he how he responds. How he responds will tell you a lot about his character and what a marriage to him would be like.

 

He'll either respect your feelings and show empathy for what you are feeling (no matter what he decides to do about the pics), or he'll be defensive and accusatory and angry. Pay attention.

 

The names of the pics - EEK. This is a small red flag about how he views women, their bodies, and sex. Use this information along with everything else you know of him to make sure he has the character you want in a partner.

[GLDheart]

... How he responds will tell you a lot about his character and what a marriage to him would be like.

 

He'll either respect your feelings and show empathy for what you are feeling (no matter what he decides to do about the pics), or he'll be defensive and accusatory and angry. Pay attention..

 

Agreed. Think of this experience as a test. In that way dealing with this is actually beyond priceless. People reveal thier true character under pressure.

 

Personally, I'm now at the point in life that moving into my next relationship I will actually be encourageing these little "insights". I could get into that a bit more but I don't want to T/J.

 

The bottom line from my point of view, your guy is a bit insensitive about it all and, in that way, made a dopey judgement call. This is hardly condemning in itself.

 

BUT, if like ptero above suggests, he acts like an a-hole about it... well, that's just fair warning for you. And Frankly, it's invaluable information.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He sounds like an immature guy who is a bit on the douchey side. However you're claiming he is a great partner and being completely honest with you...which honestly I think you'd be a complete fool as a woman to assume a man is being completely honest with you revealing all relevant information.

 

He was married for six years so maybe he needed a stroll down easy-lay insecure-woman-street...where he could pound on his chest feeling like a man again while snapping all these photos of these supposed just hook-ups (which speaks highly of the ladies he has chose in the past btw if that's the case) then packs them all into folders to later trophy admiration.

 

Well If that's good for you then well good for you...I wouldn't say that's typical and the guys who I've known who did that and ended up showing me and 5 other guys some random girls naked body and vagina weren't what I'd consider the most respectable of men. I guess I just think a man would be more respectful than harboring these photo collections of these women of the past at 32 years old...especially when there's tons of good porn out there, so he's definitely not masturbating to them like others have said.

 

I think there's more to this guy than he reveals and I think you'll found more and more the longer you are with him that's for sure...and what's with all this he says he's going to marry you one day?..don't be so surprised he hasn't told all of these ladies this...he says you're different? never heard that one before!.. I'm sure they thought they were getting a relationship out of it too....men always twist the truth about the past to make them look innocent and victims, but If you look around is that what you're really seeing out there more often than not, or women being screwed over? don't be so gullible and naive that he's not going to spin these sad stories about his past, men always tend to leave out the details that made them look like the bad guy.

 

This guy just sounds shady to me because he's doing all the things I'd expect the typical guy to do and say that is full of it...so make sure you communicate with this guy and talk about his emotions and how he feels...women tend to focus on certain attributes they like about a guy then glaze over the red flags and issues hoping its not true or will magically go away.

 

This may have just been some stupid immature antics of his while getting out of a divorce, understandable while he'd run wild for a bit...maybe he's really a great guy otherwise (doubtful honestly, but If you say so)...but I have a feeling he's probably not a good liar and you'll see the holes in what he's saying If you actually question and communicate with him instead of avoid it...you need to make sure you're not just going to end up on another folder on his computer when he decides he's had a change of heart for X reason.

[BetrayedH]

Seems to me that there is a lot of unnecessary stereotyping of men (and women) going on in this thread. I, for one, don't fit your stereotype. If you'd like to read my wife's "hotwife" post about her first encounter with her OM on my couch with my kids in the other room while I was away on business, it's still floating around in cyberspace. Really great stuff. It went on for 13 months - about 70 hotels during that time. Did she disclose it? Nope. Kept working with the OM and lying through a false reconciliation for 7 months. After 19 years, you think you know someone. Two young kids, decent new home, two professional jobs, 2 new cars, decent easy-to-talk-to husband (no alcohol, substance, emotional or physical abuse), great and very involved father. Short story - she was bored. By the way, I was faithful the entire marriage. Please keep telling me how terrible the men always are and how virtuous the women are.

 

Like I said, unnecessary.

 

And as it turns out, you now have several women on the record saying the pictures aren't masturbatory material and that you should communicate with your BF in an adult fashion rather than playing some catty, passive-aggressive game. But go ahead, keep chanting for the women to unite against the evil men. Grow up.

[cheshire_cat]

He sounds like an immature guy who is a bit on the douchey side. However you're claiming he is a great partner and being completely honest with you...which honestly I think you'd be a complete fool as a woman to assume a man is being completely honest with you revealing all relevant information.

 

He was married for six years so maybe he needed a stroll down easy-lay insecure-woman-street...where he could pound on his chest feeling like a man again while snapping all these photos of these supposed just hook-ups (which speaks highly of the ladies he has chose in the past btw if that's the case) then packs them all into folders to later trophy admiration.

 

Well If that's good for you then well good for you...I wouldn't say that's typical and the guys who I've known who did that and ended up showing me and 5 other guys some random girls naked body and vagina weren't what I'd consider the most respectable of men. I guess I just think a man would be more respectful than harboring these photo collections of these women of the past at 32 years old...especially when there's tons of good porn out there, so he's definitely not masturbating to them like others have said.

 

I think there's more to this guy than he reveals and I think you'll found more and more the longer you are with him that's for sure...and what's with all this he says he's going to marry you one day?..don't be so surprised he hasn't told all of these ladies this...he says you're different? never heard that one before!.. I'm sure they thought they were getting a relationship out of it too....men always twist the truth about the past to make them look innocent and victims, but If you look around is that what you're really seeing out there more often than not, or women being screwed over? don't be so gullible and naive that he's not going to spin these sad stories about his past, men always tend to leave out the details that made them look like the bad guy.

 

This guy just sounds shady to me because he's doing all the things I'd expect the typical guy to do and say that is full of it...so make sure you communicate with this guy and talk about his emotions and how he feels...women tend to focus on certain attributes they like about a guy then glaze over the red flags and issues hoping its not true or will magically go away.

 

This may have just been some stupid immature antics of his while getting out of a divorce, understandable while he'd run wild for a bit...maybe he's really a great guy otherwise (doubtful honestly, but If you say so)...but I have a feeling he's probably not a good liar and you'll see the holes in what he's saying If you actually question and communicate with him instead of avoid it...you need to make sure you're not just going to end up on another folder on his computer when he decides he's had a change of heart for X reason.

 

This...100x's. Because I can put myself almost in your situation to a degree right now. The guy I have been dating for the past 8 months had videos and apparently photos on his (old) phone of the girl he dated before me. Now, from what I have been told the video and photos were things she sent to him after they broke up. I've actually seen one video, he volunatarily showed it to me. It wasn't a full nude, just her attempt at being cutsey in her bra but still from what I have overheard him saying to other people she apparently sent him at least one nude photo as well.

 

To me, it's a complete a utter lack of respect for me (or anyone else he dates) and for this girl that he had these things on his phone. And it's one of many reason's as to why I have serious doubts about this guy. People can say all they want that this is just something guys do, but I really don't care. It's not remotely the same as me saving a love note that an ex wrote to me, even though I don't do that either. Once the relationship is over...it's over. End of story. I've always gotten rid of the sweet keepsakes from previous relationship because they are in the past and not part of my future. To me, it's the same with the photos. This person is no longer in my life, they will never be again, why do I need to hold onto some kind of rememberance of them? I have my memories, that's enough. I'm not a guy, so I don't get the whole I need to brag to my buddies that I have nudie pics of my ex...what does that accomplish?

[Ugh1]

Ninja - I don't have any other complaints. I have been with some real D-bags. This guy is not one. Our families have known each other for the last 25 years. He did go a little wild with his newly found freedom after a crappy marriage. I am sure that is what it is, but I don't know why he has still hung on to them after a year and a half commitment to me.

 

BetrayedH - I am sorry your wife was a bitch, but the majority of affairs are done by men. This is not a stereotype, this is a fact :

 

Smith conducted the highly respected study “American Sexual Behavior,” a poll of 10,000 people over two decades. The study found that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women have cheated at least once — similar to the results from the MSNBC.com/iVillage survey.

 

I guess you are one of the exceptions.

 

Maybe they are trophies he never looks at. Maybe they are trophies he jerks off to. Either way, I was just trying to get a wide range of opinions and you are getting way too upset with me because of your anger about what happened to you.

 

I didn't say that women are good 100% of the time and men are bad 100% of the time. I just know what I see around me. I have been divorced twice and I believe what I see in marriages that have lasted 10, 15, 20, 55 years... the women put up with a lot because they love their spouse. They give a lot of themselves.

 

Sorry if I offended you, but this wasn't directed at you. These were general statements and I said, "this is just my perception," because I knew that my view might have offended a "good one."

[Ugh1]

And I don't think that a picture of a vagina is the same as a love letter. Come on! Really?

[CarrieT]

And I don't think that a picture of a vagina is the same as a love letter. Come on! Really?

 

Men's minds are quite mysterious...

 

It is the Men Are From Mars mentality. You think of a love letter differently. You don't know what he thinks of the images because YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM ABOUT THEM.

 

 

IMPORTANT:

You cannot make assumptions about what he should and should not think about those images without communicating with him. The bottom line is that - you simply do not know.

[Ugh1]

You are absolutely right. I don't know what he thinks about them, and I won't until I talk to him.

And Ninja... I take back what I said. He very well might just be a great liar. There are many great liars out there, male and female.

I do know that I don't have the best radar for detecting liars.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You are absolutely right. I don't know what he thinks about them, and I won't until I talk to him.

And Ninja... I take back what I said. He very well might just be a great liar. There are many great liars out there, male and female.

I do know that I don't have the best radar for detecting liars.

 

Trust should be earned, not automatically given If you ask me.

 

Make him build that trust with you, use your intuition when men are lying...women can always tell, It's up to you to follow through with that however...in the past you may have ignored it or avoided it altogether telling yourself you're being paranoid or overreacting, never just back down and assume you were in the wrong, stand up for what you believe in and feel or you won't be respected.

[Ugh1]

Ok... here goes. Gonna talk to him about it tonight. He has deleted them, but hasn't brought it up. Obviously he knows I saw them. Just can't get over it without a conversation.

[Ugh1]

He passed out at his new place last night by the time I called him. Called him this morning and told him what I had done. He was very calm, just said, "I didn't know those were still there." I am pretty sure he had deleted them a couple of days ago, but I can't be for sure. As I talked to him on the phone, he said, "ok, they are gone. I also have deleted all your pictures on my computer so you feel more comfortable" I thought I had deleted my folder, but he said he had a folder in his friends folder with pictures of me. I didn't see those, but I guess he had 2 folders of me. Why would he delete all my pictures off of his computer??? I didn't have any nasty pics and if they were in a friends folder, why would I care??? Hmmm... I just don't understand guys.

He wasn't an a-hole. In fact, I am sick today and trying to get ready for school to start tomorrow. (I am a teacher) and he asked if I needed anything to feel better so he is bringing me some vitamin C packets this evening when he comes to see me.

I told him that it made me feel dirty thinking I had a folder in there with all that and that is why I deleted my folder. He said, "I'm sorry it made you feel that way but I didn't even remember it was there. It has been so long since I looked in that folder, I forgot it."

Of course, I didn't tell him all the other insecure thoughts girls have when they find such things... 'does he really find me attractive, is he telling me the truth, are my boobs big enough, my a** nice enough, my tummy tight enough, since I'm not good enough, will he ever cheat on me'

All those things go through my mind, but I am a girl and that is why girls get hurt more than guys in relationships. (We are very emotionally driven individuals) In fact, I hate that and wish I could be less insecure. Guys aren't insecure. Well, they aren't as insecure as women. My guy is tall and sexy. He has a little gut, but he is strong. He could be 50 pounds heavier and I would still find him sexy. If I was 50 pounds heavier, he would probably run for the hills. Such a freakin double standard there. (nobody can deny THAT double standard)

I am sure we will talk more when he comes to see me. Thanks for the advise everyone.