Nude Photos of his ex's privates

[Art_Critic]

He passed out at his new place last night by the time I called him. Called him this morning and told him what I had done. He was very calm, just said, "I didn't know those were still there." I am pretty sure he had deleted them a couple of days ago, but I can't be for sure. As I talked to him on the phone, he said, "ok, they are gone. I also have deleted all your pictures on my computer so you feel more comfortable" I thought I had deleted my folder, but he said he had a folder in his friends folder with pictures of me. I didn't see those, but I guess he had 2 folders of me. Why would he delete all my pictures off of his computer??? I didn't have any nasty pics and if they were in a friends folder, why would I care??? Hmmm... I just don't understand guys.

He wasn't an a-hole. In fact, I am sick today and trying to get ready for school to start tomorrow. (I am a teacher) and he asked if I needed anything to feel better so he is bringing me some vitamin C packets this evening when he comes to see me.

I told him that it made me feel dirty thinking I had a folder in there with all that and that is why I deleted my folder. He said, "I'm sorry it made you feel that way but I didn't even remember it was there. It has been so long since I looked in that folder, I forgot it."

Of course, I didn't tell him all the other insecure thoughts girls have when they find such things... 'does he really find me attractive, is he telling me the truth, are my boobs big enough, my a** nice enough, my tummy tight enough, since I'm not good enough, will he ever cheat on me'

All those things go through my mind, but I am a girl and that is why girls get hurt more than guys in relationships. (We are very emotionally driven individuals) In fact, I hate that and wish I could be less insecure. Guys aren't insecure. Well, they aren't as insecure as women. My guy is tall and sexy. He has a little gut, but he is strong. He could be 50 pounds heavier and I would still find him sexy. If I was 50 pounds heavier, he would probably run for the hills. Such a freakin double standard there. (nobody can deny THAT double standard)

I am sure we will talk more when he comes to see me. Thanks for the advise everyone.

 

I guess all in all he did the right thing but he didn't have to lie and pull the passive aggressive deleting of your pictures.

Fine... then I'll delete all pictures of women, including you off my computer.. so there...

 

Good luck in the future.. hope it all works out for you both.

[BewitchedandBothered]

why did he have pix of you in a friend's folder?

[BewitchedandBothered]

I guess all in all he did the right thing but he didn't have to lie and pull the passive aggressive deleting of your pictures.

Fine... then I'll delete all pictures of women, including you off my computer.. so there...

 

Good luck in the future.. hope it all works out for you both.

 

he deleted her pictures so the other women wouldn't get jealous. He's keeping all of them happy.

[GLDheart]

Ugh1,

 

I'm sorry to say this but he is lying.

 

He "forgot" they were there?! Come on... like he just "forgot" about some special private collection of trophies and conquests. The fact that he downplays thier existence means that he does not respect your feelings on this subject. Right, wrong, whatever: you are entitled to your opinion on this. However, he would rather just appease you here with a little lie.

 

I now strongly believe that he, in fact, DID NOT DELETE THEM AT ALL. He has simply moved the pics (including yours) to a more secure place. He may have put them on a tiny thumb drive and hidden them under a loose floor board for all you know.

 

Like I said, it's not about right or wrong, it is now about his ability to lie to you. This may be small potatoes right now but what does it tell you about his maturity level and character?

[Ugh1]

Oh yeah... I totally agree. I didn't believe he deleted them. Not for one second. I am sure he took them off his external hard-drive, but he didn't delete them. I don't think men would, unless they do it on their own without being asked (which means they weren't caught with them).

As for my pictures, I deleted the couple face shots that were on there in that particular folder. If he has others, they aren't dirty and I don't really care. Except I do care about being lied to. That pisses me off. But what is he gonna say, "Yup, I know exactly what folder YOU are talking about because I went and browsed through them last week." Better for him to tell me, "I haven't looked at them in so long I forgot they were there."

I am about fed up with men. Or fed up with myself and my continuous high expectations of the man I am with because he always falls short and I feel hurt and stupid.

[Leigh 87]

I would not want my boyfriend having nakes pictures of his exes.

 

I would dump him.

[Ugh1]

Ok... here is my dilemma... What if he DID delete them? I know he lied about not remembering they were there. Is it wrong that I am alright with that lie? I think it is more along the lines of, "honey do I look fat in these pants" Females do NOT want you to tell us that we do look fat, even if we do. It hurts our feelings. I don't want him to tell me, "yes, honey... I kept them as trophies and I love looking at them on occassion to remind me of my conquests."

I just really hope he did delete them. I don't want him to lie to me about THAT. If he didn't, then I don't want him to tell me he did.

If he did delete them and I push and say, "I know you are lying. You didn't delete them and I am sure you still have them stashed somewhere." That doesn't show trust on my part and he hasn't done anything else in the entire time we have been together that should make me believe that he isn't honest or trustworthy.

Should I have faith in him and our relationship? I will probably wait until I have him in a private moment, face-to-face, and ask him directly (but non-confrontationally) and see what my gut tells me. I guess I will go from there. Whatcha think?

[CarrieT]

Should I have faith in him and our relationship? I will probably wait until I have him in a private moment, face-to-face, and ask him directly (but non-confrontationally) and see what my gut tells me. I guess I will go from there. Whatcha think?

 

How big of an issue is this for you to put your relationship on the line over it? THAT is the question.

 

Seriously, let's push this forward a decade or two: You shelve any discussion of it and forget about it. You get married and ten years down the line, you find a thumb drive with the images in the back of a drawer. Are you going to feel like you were deceived and wouldn't have gotten married with that lie? OR, ten years down the line he brings up "that time you found pictures of his old girlfriends" and how much it made him realize how important you were to him...

 

Again, you just don't know and the core issue is if you want to have faith in your relationship over what many of us think is a minor issue. Personally, I'd let it be. So he had trophies - lots of guys do and is not indicative of a troubled relationship. I think you are beating a dead horse and would let it go...

[sally4sara]

Nancy and Bewitched... thanks for backing me up! Most the responses I have gotten are from men and there have been alot of comments about how I am playing games and how these aren't masturbation material... I should just come back to reality. Glad to get more female responses.

 

 

Oh more than likely they have at some point been used as masturbation material. Its just not likely that every time he is rubbing one out, he is doing so to these pictures. The porn thing is a stand in for the "need" for variety men grow up believing they are "hardwired" for. The urges are there but not as a need. He probably has long since moved on to other online material for his solo moments.

It is normal for people to still notice who is attractive to them even in a relationship. You ARE setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect that to stop. But maybe you need to not have solid evidence of it in your day to day? That's not an out of line expectation. Just know that there will always be someone who might be "better" than you in a few ways but so too are you "better" in your own ways. People LIKE looking at what they find attractive, but most know that there is more to a happy relationship than the physical. For instance - he isn't still with any of these other women so maybe all they had to offer was how they looked? If they were so fan friggen tastic, he might still be with one of them instead of you.

Also, the date on the folders can reflect many things. Did he do a rebuild? Maybe he use to have them in all one folder and now that you have a folder he created a more organized way of accessing you without you having to see the old photos. I get why you're bothered; its kinda tacky. Like he is building a spice rack of his sexual haunts. We got some nutmeg and some oregano. Don't forget the cumin!

 

If I live to be 110 I don't think that will be long enough to understand men. They baffle the Sh** out of me. There is such a huge double standard when it comes to them. They can look and lust after other women, and it is "normal." We look and lust after other men, and we are whores.

 

Ah, the double standard only matters if you buy into it. Do YOU think looking at other guys approvingly makes a woman a whore? I thought it required a woman have sex for money but you might disagree. The above comes off much more like YOU think women are whores if they are in a relationship and notice a hot guy even if they do not act on it. If that is the case, don't blame guys for the way YOU think just because some of them might agree with you. And if you don't agree, then don't date a guy who does think that way. That's all it takes and POOF double standard doesn't matter anymore.

That is how relationships work. Know what you want, make those things a known standard to who you date and end things if you're not getting what you expect in a relationship. Then you won't end up feeling like you give and give and get not much out of doing so.

And dwelling on bad past relationships, deciding that must just be how guys are will only have you continuously being drawn to guys who fulfill that jaded expectation. You will just keep accepting it because you keep suspecting its normal.

 

(not that I think most women do this... I really think most women give alot more in a relationship than men do) *sorry guys... this is just my perception

I just know that I give about 110% into my relationships and I have been burned, burned, burned in the past. I would give and they would take.

This guy, though... I give 110% and he gives about 75% (that's the most I have ever experienced) and it is nice.

I have had some nice feedback from a couple of guys (see gldheart) and it has made me really think. *thanks*

Any more women want to back me up>>> please share.

[Art_Critic]

We got some nutmeg and some oregano. Don't forget the cumin!

 

 

.....

[Ugh1]

It is normal for people to still notice who is attractive to them even in a relationship. You ARE setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect that to stop.. But maybe you need to not have solid evidence of it in your day to day? That's not an out of line expectation. Just know that there will always be someone who might be "better" than you in a few ways but so too are you "better" in your own ways. People LIKE looking at what they find attractive, but most know that there is more to a happy relationship than the physical.

Oh, I totally think it is normal for people tto find other people attractive. I am perfectly ok with that. It's just that he had some sort of sexual relationship with these women and they are of magnified, private areas. I mean, come on! I don't think I would have been as bothered if they were pics of girls just posing modestly (non-sexually) I mean for crying out loud... You couldn't even see the color of most of their pubic hair it was so magnified (yuck!)

 

The above comes off much more like YOU think women are whores if they are in a relationship and notice a hot guy even if they do not act on it. If that is the case, don't blame guys for the way YOU think just because some of them might agree with you. And if you don't agree, then don't date a guy who does think that way. That's all it takes and POOF double standard doesn't matter anymore.

I absolutely do not think women are whores for looking at other men they find attractive. I guess I didn't do a good job. Men can have pictures of twats and a-holes and nipples of women they have been with and it is considered normal. The comment, "Boys will be boys comes to mind." But if a woman in a commited relationship had relationship pictures of her ex and her together (non-sexually)... say at the park or at a party, most boyfriends would flip out if they found that in a folder on her computer, get pissed and jealous. Possibly break it off with her. That's what I meant by a double standard.

[TripLine]

Let's put it this way. Your father and brothers (maybe?), nephews have all seen porn when they were of age. If you were to dump your boy over a few pics, you might as well get rid of your family and date a female.

 

Sincerely,

***Truth***

[Art_Critic]

Let's put it this way. Your father and brothers (maybe?), nephews have all seen porn when they were of age. If you were to dump your boy over a few pics, you might as well get rid of your family and date a female.

 

Sincerely,

***Truth***

 

you might want to read the thread.. it isn't about her BF watching porn.

 

Sincerely,

***Truth***

[TripLine]

you might want to read the thread.. it isn't about her BF watching porn.

 

Sincerely,

***Truth***

 

One does not simply save porn without viewing porn. She is inferring that once married, a man should not look around. There was men that collect photos of women and of women they have banged. Some men like that, I see no wrong.

 

Women have photos of exes too, they just hide it better.

[Art_Critic]

One does not simply save porn without viewing porn. She is inferring that once married, a man should not look around. There was men that collect photos of women and of women they have banged. Some men like that, I see no wrong.

 

Women have photos of exes too, they just hide it better.

 

This thread isn't about watching porn.. it is about keeping old naked pictures of EX's and by keeping them disrespecting the person they are in a relationship with.

 

The OP doesn't seem to have a problem with naked pictures taken of each other after marriage and married men shouldn't be looking at other naked women they had sex with other than their wives.

It isn't about watching porn...

 

I quoted her post for you...

 

SOG - there are no nude, inappropriate pictures of me on his computer. I kinda think that should be a "husband" priviledge

Edited August 31, 2012 by Art_Critic

[GLDheart]

I wouldn't end the relationship over it.

 

Just know that this is one of those "wrinkles" that either get ironed out or else they add up to a messy relationship.

 

In fact, there are WAY better techniques to evolving and improving a relationship rather than using the "dump threat".

 

OP, I have an easy read e-book that I could email you that might give you useful techniques to get what you are looking for.

 

 

p.s.

 

Sometimes us dumb guys aren't the devil... but we can occasionally be oblivious to how deep a woman truly feels about some things.

[CarboniteCammy]

I've been in a situation with someone similar to the one your in right now. I moved in with a guy who had little shrines to his ex all over his apartment- a pile of photos here, cards from her to him in a drawer, lingerie in his closet, earrings in a night stand... Even a year after I had moved in with him, I still found random memorabilia (which I destroyed, thank you!)

 

I asked him about it, and he played a Beatles song for me and said that he liked to remember the past, but that I was the most important thing to him and that I was his future. He told me not to be jealous, that I had, "won," and that those other girls had nothing on me.

 

Then I found out that he was still keeping in regular contact with that same ex, and I left him.

 

That man is my husband.

 

We worked it out, and I'm glad that we did. He understood why he had to cease contact with her and he volunteered to purge the apartment of all items that reminded him of her. I would never have returned to the relationship, otherwise. I won't play second fiddle to another woman; I've got better things to do with my time.

 

It's completely inappropriate to keep trophies of past relationships if someone is involved in a heavy duty commitment of whatever form. Memories of good times are one thing, but I believe there is a fine line between being fond of the past and carrying a torch for an ex. Your boyfriend is the only one who truly knows which it is for him.

 

My suggestion is to just tell him about what you did and how you feel. I don't know why you don't want to bring it up to him. Of course, to do that you'll have to explain why you were on his computer... always awkward. But, if you value your relationship, you'll open up to him and let have a chance to explain himself.

 

Who knows, maybe it's the kick in the pants he needs to get rid of that crap.

[strongnrelaxed]

I find it absolutely disgusting that a woman would feel so comfortable going through a boyfriend's computer like that. Whether he allows it or not, this is a very bad sign of things to come. That so few people have a problem with this is very telling - such an egregious invasion of privacy is a betrayal that I would never get over. You and he do not belong together. If I were him, I would dump you immediately.

[Ugh1]

Carbonite -

He said he deleted them. We didn't fight about and we did talk it out. He really is a great guy. If THIS is my only complaint... I am in a pretty great relationship.

 

GLDHeart - of course I would never dump him over this one thing. Now, if he turned into an ass, screaming, breaking things, making ME feel bad, etc... then that's another story. And Yes, I would like that E-book. Don't want to put my e-mail address on here, though. How do I go about getting that to you?

 

Tripline - you obviously didn't read the posts. In fact, I don't know why you are even commenting on here. I didn't make one comment (neither did anyone else, for that matter) that stated that porn was the issue.

 

Strongnrelaxed - I didn't "go through" his computer. He knows I wasn't going through his computer because he trusts me. Did you read my posts? I wasn't snooping or looking for anything in particular. I was dropping off a pic for him. I wish I could unsee it, honestly. It grossed me out and turned my stomach. But I saw the folders and it bothered me because we are in a committed and deeply loving relationship. It isn't like this is some guy I am dating. We have talked about marriage. If he was some guy I was dating, I wouldn't have gotten on his computer at all and IF I did somehow see them (say maybe while he was doing something on his computer) I WOULDNT CARE! (Because we aren't committed to each... because we haven't talked about a long term future, etc...)

Edited September 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

I don't hide my bias here. I think women are all liars.

 

Props for not hiding your bias but dude... as a college professor and someone who has many years on your side you should already know that the bias and anger you feel is unwarranted to wield against another person and you really could use someone to help you get thru your pain..

 

You should seek some help thru a counselor to help you resolve those issues so you don't spend the second half of your life as angry as you are now.

and by the way.. no judgment on why your angry.. we all have been thru some type of shiot storm but sooner or later we have to own it and deal with it..

 

JMO.... and I hope you work thru it...

[GorillaTheater]

I fail to see how this is even an issue. I'm not going to have nekkid pics of an ex, assuming I had any to begin with, out of respect for wife. I expect the same from her.

 

So yes, I understand the OP's concern. It's a perfectly legitimate issue of respect. And respect is one of those thing *I* feel very strongly about.

[Ugh1]

Thank you, Gorilla. I feel the same way. I didn't demand that he remove them. I figure he has enough "respect" for me to just take care of it on his own.

[Gracie22]

I find it interesting that people are saying it's ok that he has these pictures. If I put myself in the OP position....I would be terribly hurt. These are representations of the past and it's difficult to move forward when you are clinging to the past.

 

I have a feeling the the people who say it's ok that he keeps these pictures are people that would keep pictures like this themselves. If they side with him it validates thier actions as "ok".

 

I think once you have a SO in a committed relationship the pics of the past get deleted. What he is keeping on his computer, regardless of reason, is hurful and disrespectful to the woman he loves. I would hope that a man would be morally compelled to delete that crap when he is in love with someone else.

[Ugh1]

It did hurt my feelings, but I didn't take it personally. (Well, I did a little bit) But, it isn't like he consiously thought, "I'm keeping these even though I love this other girl." I honestly don't believe he ever made the connection between those pictures and his relationship with me. Now that I pointed that aspect of it out, I hope he did what he said he did (which was to delete them)

 

Personally, I find it disgusting, but EVERY man I know that I have talked to about this (that I know personally and trust... brothers, friends, friends' husbands, etc... ) says that this is something that is normal and most guys don't see it the same way as a woman would.

 

Now, would I like to have thought that MY guy was different... sure! But he is not. I'm ok with that. Everything else in our relationship is great. I love him. He loves me. We are good.

[GLDheart]

A small aside here, I spoke to that long ago ex today. I thought of this topic here when somehow the conversation got close enough to similar subject material that I brought up the old tape...

 

She was dissapointed a bit that I had destroyed it and actually said she wished I had kept it just so she could see what she looked like back then :-) (She was damn hot)

 

In all these years, I was curious why she had never brought up the tape. She said she trusted that I would never do anything innappropriate with it. Also, she did feel it was right the way I had destroyed it once I had settled down into my next relationship.