Depression... I need help right away.

[Kris1]

I have been Depressed for about 2 years.

<I'm 17 years old>

I really hate how I look. I'm a very skinny person. Pale skin. and I was short when i was younger, and a bit taller now.

I hate how my life is. My family life SUCKS. My sister I hate because she always tries to get me in trouble, or she is very mean to me. (She used to beat the s**t out of me when I was really little). She is 20 now.

My Dad barely pays attention to me. Usually we only say maybe 3 words to each other everyday. We don't associate with each other anymore, not like we used to anyway.

My mom I REALLY Hate. Her voice is SO intimadating to me. I get so scared I shake when I hear her voice. She hasn't abused me or anything. Here's an example: I get scared when calling her name "Mom" because I know she'll reply with a snappy "WHAT?!" or a "<SIGH>Whaaaaat" I just hate her.

I feel like I can't come to my family with problems. I feel like I don't belong apart of the family. I always seclude and avoid family social events. And just regular 4person family events (dinner, watching tv together)

 

I really have been Tortured during my life. School was, (and still is), a very horrible thing for me. I get made fun of AT LEAST once a day because of my weight problem, (Being Skinny). It has made my mind completely curropted. I hate people. All people. I have become so racist from all the idiots at school that I hate all Nationalities and Colors. I just can't stand people. Their stupidity, their aragance just drives me insane.

 

I have No self-confidence, No self-esteem, and no self-motivation. All I do is play computer games all day and night, masturbate, and get maybe 0-5 hours of sleep a day. My daily schedule is just about this: Wake-up,school,come home,go in my room, hold my pillow dreaming of being with this girl i love (i'll get to that), crying my eyes out until I fall asleep, wake up in the afternoon, eat dinner, play computer games all night, go to bed at 4am (or cry til 6pm), get up and go to school again.

 

During the summer I just cry alot, play computer games with little sleep, and yes, masturbate, and bath maybe 3times a week.

 

I hate my life so much. About the girl I love...

 

I love this girl so much, I will call her "H" for now. During the year all I did was think and dream of her day and night. So at the end of year I finally (and godly) got the motivation to get up, go outside, get a tan, and do a little bit of weight lifting. A week later I asked for her number. I did get it, (Miracle), and sure enough the bad luck that I have, (and will always have), when I asked her if she wanted to date me she said she was "talking" with some other guy and would probably go out with him.

 

Well That how that went. And yes I still think and dream of her Day and Night. I hate my life SO much right now.

 

I think of ways to kill myself everyday but God doesn't give me the courage to do it. I want to just go in the cabinet and pop 40 pills and be over with it. To be honest I wish there was a gun right in front of me. I would put the barrell in my mouth and pull the trigger. I hate my life and everything so much.

 

I know this is the wrong way to be. I know this the wrong state of mind I am in. I know. I know.

 

I can't help it. I really don't even see why I am typing this, I should just go end this. But I figured this might be my last try in life. Maybe I can get some help here. I searched for a safe, (And Mature), forum like this for hours. Hopefully this will work.

 

Please help me, or tell me that it's really over for me, and my life is just a waste of skin and space in society.

 

Thankyou.

 

One more thing, I typed all this out before and sent it on an anonymous user but it didn't seem to work so, if there are two of these messages I apologize.

[honey2005]

You really need to talk to someone about this. If you feel you can't go to your parents, go to a school counselor, a teacher, a doctor, anyone. There are people out there that care about you and want to help, but the only way for you to feel better is to seek professional help. Only your doctor can treat this, with therapy or medication. You don't have to feel this way, but you DO have to tell someone. It won't just go away on it's own. I used to be like you, but then I realized I had to do something about it because I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I talked to my doctor and now I'm taking medication, and have been for awhile. It has helped SOOO much. I don't hate life the way I used to, and I can finally leave my house. Sometimes I do get depressed and feel like dying, but nothing like before. Find help. It's not over for you, and you're not a waste. You really can feel better, you just have to put some effort forth. Good luck.