How do I cope?

[PixieD]

My situation is complex in that I married someone older than myself when I was young. My H and I joked about how we would deal with life when we got older but I never expected to find myself in a marriage where I couldn't be intimate w/ my H while I was still so young (I’m only 52). My H has a hard time dealing with his impotence and has openly told me to find someone who could meet my needs, all he asked was for was discretion and to not be anyone he knew. With 28 years together I’m not willing to walk away from my H but I couldn’t live without intimacy.

 

I know there are those on this forum who will tell me that I should be satisfied with what I have at home, and learn to live it with it. Trust me I have tried, tried taking matters into my own hands, tried MC to help H deal with lack of general intimacy & his inability to touch me sexually, and tried celibacy. My decision to have an A was not an overnight whim, it was something that took me 7 years to act on even with my H’s repeated blessing.

 

So I got into the affair for sex, but fell in love. My 8 month A with my MM ended abruptly. We both knew that it had to be NC or neither of us would survive. It has been several months and there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Because we are both M, with high profile careers and a lot to lose I never once shared with anyone what was going on in my life, not a BFF or anyone.

 

My MM’s marriage was over before we met, and I realize now that he just was afraid of being alone and was testing the waters before he took the final steps to dissolving it. His W never found out about us, still doesn't know. I made the difficult choice to end the A and walk away because I loved him, and didn't want to be around to be used against him emotional or financially in his divorce. But the sudden loss and having to grieve silently and keep it hidden has been excruciatingly painful. I've been thru an abusive relationship, battled cancer and lost a brother but none of that compares to what I've felt the last 3 months.

 

I’ve lost weight, can’t sleep, and am having a hard time focusing on work. I desperately want to know how he is doing and how difficult it has been for him. I do not trust myself to break the NC and think that it would be a one time thing. Since he is in another state and our lives, careers and friends do not overlap he might as well be in Siberia. I’ve gone for a few IC sessions to deal with the overwhelming feelings of loss but it hasn’t helped much.

 

For those of you who understand what it is like to grieve the loss of an A behind closed doors and in silence, how do you cope? What do you say to people who notice you are miserable? How do you deal with not be able to give or receive comfort when you are both hurting? How do you survive living in a vacuum not knowing what is going on in your AP’s world?

 

I feel like a little bit of me is slipping away each day, how do I heal?

[sad puppy]

I'm sorry you are hurting, I know it's incredibly difficult. There are no secret tricks, I wish there were. Time helps, as does being distracted. But, you need to find a way to look at your situation and make peace with it. Maybe being grateful for the time you had together, your relationship was just a step in your journey.

 

There isn't a timetable, it's different for everyone. But I think we all need to set the goal of moving on. I was in NC for six months when my xMM contacted me. It was a REAL setback and I advise against breaking NC. He actually had moved out and was/is on the way to divorce but there had been so much pain and turmoil, I had to walk away.

 

Your husband sounds very understanding, you are very lucky. To me, the strength to move on must start with one's self, to find the courage to acknowledge it was a temporary situation v. Long term forever situation. It all begins with where you place your mind. You will be fine, but it will take time. Good luck. Breaking NC is probably not a good option.

[veryhappy]

Pixie, like any hearbreak, one can only hope time will make it easier.

 

To help with the isolation of not talking to anyone, try different therapists until you find the right one.

Edited August 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to deleted off topic post

[Silly_Girl]

Pixie, I really do feel for you. It is a heartbreaking scenario for all involved. Do you mind if I ask... Did neither you or your husband think this arrangement had the potential to run away with itself? Did you talk about it during your discussions? I would assume it would have had to come up, but I'm not the one who lived it.

 

Going NC with someone you love is one of the hardest things in the world. I understand. Is there no one in real life you can share your pain with? A friend or sibling?

 

If you intend to stay married I definitely think you must stick with the NC. It's hard-going and I think your mental attitude can help to make it more/less difficult. I've had NC where, looking back, I think I was determined to suffer (!) but it doesn't have to be that way. Some ladies here have done so well.... Keeping busy, seeing friends, taking up new hobbies, therapy, meditation. All sorts of things. But I think you have to want it to work.

 

Do you want NC to work, Pixie? Or is your post a precursor to reconnecting with the man you had an affair with?

Edited August 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PixieD]

That is something to think about in the future then: You don't marry someone who is 20 years older and think the sex will last forever.

 

To start with my H is only 12 yrs older than me not old enough to be my grandfather! Unfortunately a genetic heart issue resulted in a heart attack in his early fifties that created other issues.

 

I met him after my rich, good looking boyfriend put me in the hospital. He insisted on hiring a lawyer for me to ensure my BF never hurt me again. Then patiently helped me heal, and loved me unconditionally until I believed I wasn't damaged good.

 

If you judge people only by their outer wrappings and not all of what they offer you, the you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment in life!

[alexandria35]

Pixie, I really do feel for you. It is a heartbreaking scenario for all involved. Do you mind if I ask... Did neither you or your husband think this arrangement had the potential to run away with itself? Did you talk about it during your discussions? I would assume it would have had to come up, but I'm not the one who lived it.

 

Going NC with someone you love is one of the hardest things in the world. I understand. Is there no one in real life you can share your pain with? A friend or sibling?

 

If you intend to stay married I definitely think you must stick with the NC. It's hard-going and I think your mental attitude can help to make it more/less difficult. I've had NC where, looking back, I think I was determined to suffer (!) but it doesn't have to be that way. Some ladies here have done so well.... Keeping busy, seeing friends, taking up new hobbies, therapy, meditation. All sorts of things. But I think you have to want it to work.

 

Do you want NC to work, Pixie? Or is your post a precursor to reconnecting with the man you had an affair with?

 

I was also wondering how the actual conversation the OP had with her husband regarding her taking a lover actually went. It sounds like he said something like 'get your needs met somewhere else if you need to but make sure nobody knows about and don't fool around with anyone we know' and then the OP ignored him or possibly even told him she would never want to be with another man in order to soothe her husbands ego. Then she met someone she wanted to have sex with and recalled that conversation she had with her husband many years ago.

 

OP if you and your husband wanted to open up your marriage so you could get your sexual needs met this was not the way to go about it. There should have been lots of open and frank conversations about it. Like how did your husband truly feel about it? Was he really okay with it or did he just feel guilty and selfish for being the reason your sex life was over. You two should have really opened up to each other and had real heart to heart conversations about your feelings. Then there should have been some ground rules established. Your husband likely would have asked you not to form any emotional bonds outside of your relationship by avoiding having intimate conversations or physical affection outside of the sex act with your affair partner. You could have discussed more fully who is allowable and who is off limits? Perhaps with the discussion you may have concluded that it's best not to get involved with a cheating MM as that would have to much potential to blow up and end bad. Finally you could have discussed what would be best for your husband while you were actually engaged in an affair. Like does he want to know when you've met someone? Does he want to meet the person? How much information does he want? etc etc....

 

Okay I dont' know if any of that would have changed your current situation but I think it possibly could have. The excitement and passion of your affair may have been a lot less intense if it wasn't so secretive. You may not have even chose this particular man or held yourself back emotionally had you set some ground rules with your husband and tried honor them. Instead you rushed full speed ahead right into an emotional and physical affair with a married man and now you're having to deal with the fallout. Maybe you could see a counsellor for a period of time to help you get through your grief.

[mercy]

I can think of ten things off the top of my head that don't involve a penis. Does he not engage you at all? How sad.

 

How do you cope? You grieve, you go all through the stages and slowly, very slowly you move on, you let go. And you be very kind and understanding of yourself.

 

Open marriages can and do work but can be very tricky when feelings are involved. I wonder if you're cut out for it.

 

Sex toys are fun. * wink wink*

Edited August 24, 2012 by mercy

[Artie Lang]

Pixie, i'm confused. Did you say your husband gave you his "blessing."

 

if so, this considered an open marriage, not infidelity. how is this cheating?

 

 

i think what your trying to say is, your romantic feelings for this OM is what you consider cheating- your heart(love) belonging to this OM? correct?

[MourningLosses]

I was told that it was cheating even though I was separated because my MMs wife was being deceived.

[woinlove]

Pixie, I'm in an open M and my H was my biggest support when I was emotionally invested and the R ended. It helped a lot to be able to describe all my feelings and he knows me so well, has such faith in me. But, I wonder, like someone else asked, what was the detailed agreement with your H. Have you not been talking about your feelings with your H all along? If not, I imagine that has further removed intimacy from your M and then it is a double whammy, dealing with the new feelings and the erosion of the emotional intimacy of your H. Maybe you can say a bit about how are things with your H and what whether you confide in him?

 

It is painful to grieve this kind of loss and doing it in isolation makes it more painful. Can't you open up with your H?

[Silly_Girl]

At age 52 I assume you are in the menopause.

 

Are you really that horny?

 

Or perhaps you are lacking affection?

 

I know of plenty of marriages where women close the store at age 52.

 

Your usual charming self, I see. :rolleyes:

 

'Close the store'? How do you know who does what with whom behind closed doors? I bet a lot of people moan they're not getting any and actually are. And vice versa. I know a good few women who reckon they're having a ball at that age, and a few men who say they aren't!!

[losingmyground]

PixieD

 

Sorry about your loss. Maybe next time you should look for a single man instead. Make sure you talk about bounderies with you husband. Even an open marriage will have bounderies. How about including your husband in some way?

 

Mourning Loss

 

Yes you may have been seperated by you did participate in a deciption on the MM's BS. Move on!!!

[PixieD]

Pixie, I'm in an open M and my H was my biggest support when I was emotionally invested and the R ended. It helped a lot to be able to describe all my feelings and he knows me so well, has such faith in me. But, I wonder, like someone else asked, what was the detailed agreement with your H. Have you not been talking about your feelings with your H all along? If not, I imagine that has further removed intimacy from your M and then it is a double whammy, dealing with the new feelings and the erosion of the emotional intimacy of your H. Maybe you can say a bit about how are things with your H and what whether you confide in him?

 

My H has has always been a very, very, quiet reserved person. It is difficult to get him to talk about emotions and feelings about anything, some of it is the way he was raised, some of it is just him. He has never been comfortable with public PDA, to the point he blushed during our wedding kiss, and we rarely ever did more than hold hands in public even when we were young. In in all the years we've been together, I've only see him get teary twice, when his father died and when our son was born.

 

He had a near death experience with his 1st heart attack which happened during the throes of passion. He refused to share a bed with me for 6 months afterward because it scared him, but he wouldn't talk about it. After almost no physical contact and him not being willing to talk about it I insisted on MC to work things out. Even then it was extremely difficult to get him to open up about any of it.

 

Things got better, but then a 2nd heart attack was the kiss of death for intimacy because of damage and necessary maintenance drugs, and him withdrawing further. After another year of no physical contact, we went back to MC during which we discussed an open M. That's when as much as he could, we talked about boundaries and what we each needed. I love my H and he knows that I will stay with him regardless of anything I ever do out side of our M. My H rescued me from a very dark place when I met him, and he held my hand while I puked my way thru radiation & chemo. I will not turn my back on him now just because the shoe is on the other foot.

 

When we discussed an open M, he asked for specific things, namely that I be very discrete that it not be pubic knowledge or obvious, that he didn't want to share in the details, and that it not be with anyone he knew or would ever cross paths with. He thought I should consider a MM because he thought that someone in committed relationship would be less likely to pressure me to be with them full time or pose a threat in wanting to take me away from him.

 

My H knew when that I started the A, and said he could tell I was happy, but wanted to know if my AP was treating me well. I asked him if there was anything else he would like to know, that I wanted to be open about the A and was willing to discuss it or end it then and there if he wanted me to. He said 'no' that he wanted to stand by our original boundaries.

 

What I found is that I couldn't have sex and intimacy without falling in love with my MM. It doesn't mean I love my H any less. My H knows I'm miserable, and has guessed why but continues to not want to discuss it. And now that the band-aid has been ripped off, I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my MM and it is a mirrored loss of what is gone in my M. One happened slowly over years, and the other overnight.

[PixieD]

At age 52 I assume you are in the menopause.

 

Are you really that horny?

 

Or perhaps you are lacking affection?

 

I know of plenty of marriages where women close the store at age 52.

 

I'm not sure what bygone era that thinking is from, but that is not the average sentiment of most of the women I know and am friends with.

 

For many women this is the time when life is the most fun. Your career is solid if you work, your kids are raised, and you have more free time to do the things that you find interesting. Close the store?? Not even close....

[chalkfarm]

Oh Pix...... this just sucks. I am so sorry about all the emotional crap.

I think you are right about needing a place to talk about the pain and people to actually share your feelings with in a safe non-judgmental setting.

I don't recall if you said that you are in IC or not but that is certainly a way to go. For me, after 2 years of therapy, I entered a group therapy session. There are 6 of us and the shrink. All in different places in our lives, varied ages, different problems. They are kind and thoughtful people who honestly listen. I don't know if you would feel comfortable or not with that setting but I have found it to be helpful. In fact, one man said a very simple to thing to me about my pain and I felt something in my brain change. Something clicked and I felt a little better. And trust when I say, I am no believer in magic cures! Not that this is a cure but... you know.

If "group" sounds like something you would like to try, I have a few suggestions about questions to ask the shrink before going in. If it isn't your thing, I think you need to talk to a real person about all the "stuff" you have inside. You deserve to be able to take it out and really look at it. You need someone to tell you to your face that it is okay. It is okay to hurt and mourn. You know?

Hugs to you!

[beenburned]

Pixie,

 

Mercy brought up a good point in her post! Why can't you and your H share different types of intimacy's that will help you both feel closer and more connected?

 

I think you are just missing the attention your H used to give you before his heart attacks. He sounds like he is depressed, hurt, and angry about his situation!

 

He has been devoted to you for many years! There are not many men out there that are this loyal to their wives.(including your affair partner)

[jennx]

Hi Pixie,

 

I just wanted to offer my sympathy and support. All the best to you.

[PixieD]

This past weekend my brother was in town and stayed with us. My H knew that my brother could sense something wasn't right, but asked me to keep our agreed upon boundaries of not letting anyone know about my A.

 

It didn't take long for my B to corner me and ask what was going. Out of loyalty to my H, I told my B that my H and I had had a rough patch, but that we were working on it and things were getting better. My B sensed I didn't want to talk about it and let it go.

 

Now I feel awful for lying to my brother who genuinely cares, but would have felt worse had I betrayed sharing what my H requested I keep between us. It's too much for me to deal with so I am going back to IC.