How to "break up" with "friend"

[FredMac]

So a female coworker and I (male) became very close over the past few months. We would flirt all the time and eventually, we really began having some deep conversations. We had a lot of chemistry and we could spend hours with each other. We could literally just stare into each others' eyes and understand what the other was thinking or feeling (at least from my perspective, lol). I made sure to avoid the friendzone by asking her out before it was too late. She was very hesitant because she was 5 years older than me. She also was in a very up-and-down relationship with someone else. So the timing wasn't right. Eventually she broke up with her boyfriend and we spent even more time with each other.

 

She moved away recently for a small course but will be back in about a month. Before leaving, she said she didn't want to start a relationship before leaving as it would not give us a chance to blossom properly. I was fine with it. Nevertheless, everyday since she left, we communicate either on the phone, email or facebook. So I really thought we were moving in a right direction for when she'd get back. However, just the other day, we were chatting about a number of topics and it got to the topic of "us." She said she wanted to clarify our situations and that we were just friends and she wanted to keep it that way. I asked if we'd have a chance for something beyond friendship in the future. She immediately changed the subject (no answer to the actual question) and then ended the conversation within 30 seconds.

 

So I understand now what our situation is. Looks like she isn't interested in anything other than friendship and even if she is, I've waited too long even though I really like her. Because my interest in her is purely romantic/love while she probably feels differently, I wanted to know how to basically end this. I don't want to look like a crybaby or anything but I still don't want to spend time with her or even communicate with her beyond what normal colleagues do. Should I tell her this upfront or slowly transition our friendship down to basic colleagues? Should I stop answering her phone calls/emails?

Edited August 24, 2012 by FredMac

[PlanetJanet]

Well, you could always wait until she comes back and see how it goes. Perhaps she will be distant and solve the problem for you. Otherwise I can understand why you want to end things. Honestly usually works; telling her that you need some time/space to get past the love feelings. In time maybe it will be easier to be around her. Good luck I am in a similar situation and pondering ending things too.

[CarrieT]

Should I tell her this upfront or slowly transition our friendship down to basic colleagues? Should I stop answering her phone calls/emails?

 

Nope - just act friendly towards her as you always would, but be otherwise unavailable. No reason to go cold turkey/cold shoulder immediately - she'll get the picture soon enough and by tapering off, I think it will be easier on you in the long run.

[FredMac]

So she finally came out and said she wants to be more than friends by facebook message. I think she was just apprehensive because she's been through some pretty rough relationships (at one point she was someone else's mistress without knowing it until he left her).

 

The thing is that I feel like I think about her all the time and want to talk about her to my friends all the time. I remember the times we were together and want to spend more time once she's back but I don't know if we could ever work out long-term. She is a bit older than me which is fine but she carries a lot of baggage while I am effectively clean as a whistle. Also, she isn't exactly my type as she's more of a rough, in your face woman who likes to take charge of everything while I was and am kinda still into the shy, innocent, and submissive woman.

 

Would it be wrong to start a relationship with someone who you don't necessarily think would work out long-term with? Could I at least give it a shot because of the connection we have? Should I voice these concerns to her before starting a relationship so she knows where my doubts and concerns lie so that we can discuss the state of our relationship a few months from when we start?

[mtber75]

Its generally not a good idea to be a rebound person. They have too much baggage from their ex. I say just be friends with her and take it REALLY SLOW

[FredMac]

Its generally not a good idea to be a rebound person. They have too much baggage from their ex. I say just be friends with her and take it REALLY SLOW

 

Well then how long should one take? She's been away for a month and they broke up about 4 weeks before she left. Its been 2 months since they broke up and that last month before she left was basically her grieving period. She doesn't mention him or that relationship anymore. I'd say another month and I wouldn't technically be the rebound..she'll have moved on completely or as best as one can.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like you two just need to take things really slowly and drop any expectations about where you're headed. For example, Facebook message about wanting to start a relationship -- you guys shouldn't be doing stuff like that, discussing things that explicitly. And don't question her about whether you're a "rebound." Things need to be more natural and organic. As you transition from friends to something more (maybe), you'll get a better idea of how things will work and if you want to be a part of it.

 

But I would NOT suggest giving up on this before it even starts. You've been pining for her for a while, the two of you obviously get along well. You should give things a chance despite the obstacles. Maybe it won't work out and maybe you'll get hurt, but it's worth the risk. Otherwise you're going to be regretting this missed opportunity for a long time. Your time to do this is now.

[byronagetz]

ooops what a braek up dude