how do I get the guy?

[clueless]

I started working at a restuarant well (burgerking) last june after I had a few shifts I made friends with this girl gina who told me this guy John told her "the new girls pretty cute" now this guy is dead allright hes practically perfect

 

but for the first 3 months working with him he avoided me like a I was desiesed and I couldn't understand why at all it drove me MAD!! If I was sitting in the crew room and he walked in and saw me hed be gone back out the door like a he was never there hed go way out of his way to not walk near me

 

but all the while Id catch him watching me and so I was completly baffled a couple weeks ago I went on a trip to see my family in England I knew my boss was a huge soccer fan and wanted to bring him back something and I know John is a huge soccer fan too so I asked him what my bosess favourite team was...after that he talked to me endlessly about soccer and traveling and the next couple days before I went were amazing just FULL of chemistry

 

and when I came back he seemed SOOO happy to see me I was thrilled

 

but NOW WHAT??!!

 

Ive had such bad luck with guys in the past but for some reason he seems really differant

 

few problems hes a couple years older than me which I don't care about but I think he does.... Im 18 hes just turning 22 or 23

 

another problem your not supposed to date other crew...typical work policy though

 

so if anyone has ANY ideas

 

ILL TRY almost anything twice....

[Tony T]

You shouldn't be trying anything. You should do exactly what he did to drive you so intensely mad and interested in him. IGNORE HIM!!!

 

If you don't learn from your experiences, you may as well pack it up. You became mad about him when he wouldn't give you the time of day. Turn the whole thing around. Don't make it too obvious, but turn your attention elsewhere. I promise you it will drive HIM mad.

 

As for the age thing, I can't imagine him having a problem with that. Hell, when he is 100, you will be 96 and way, way too OLD for him.

 

As for Burger King policy, they may say you can have it your way...but if you start seeing him, don't let anybody at work find out.

 

You say you have had bad luck with guys in the past. You didn't say much but I sense that you go bonkers over them and let them know by your behavior how much you like them, right off the bat. NOT A GOOD POLICY AT ALL. Just like you were turned on when this guy basically ignored you, guys are turned on by girls who give them a hard time, who are a challenge, who say no sometimes when asked out, who are too busy to talk to them at times. Guys just don't want an easy woman, a woman who makes herself totally available.

 

So if you want to have better luck with men, don't get so caught up in them. Become indifferent. You'll have them all over you!!! At the right time, then show a little bit of interest and let it grow from there.

[Paulie]

First of all, forget the age "problem." Typically, guys prefer slightly younger girls anyway. Secondly, not to insult Burger King, but who cares about their "no dating co-workers" policy. Don't be obvious about it at work, but even if they find out, how many Burger Kings or Burger King-like places are there? (Alot).

 

As far as the guy, I say more than likely (i'm positive) he likes you, and is either shy, or can't get the confidence to express his feelings (more probably the latter). My reasoning is as follows:

 

1.He told somebody else he thought you were cute

 

2. He walks out of the break room when you're there

 

This is a big one, because unless he DISLIKES YOU, he wouldn't leave like that. He feels uncomfortable around you, because he LIKES YOU. I know because I used to act like that around girls I had real feelings for at that age.

 

3. As soon as you initiated conversation with him, he INSTANTLY chats up a storm with you. He just didn't have the guts to start the conversation himself.

 

Now, this leaves us with the question of how do you go about this. Simple. Think of how you initially broke the ice with him. You just started talking to him. The ice needs to be broken further. He sounds like he might be a really nice guy, perhaps just shy and a little unconfident.

 

Now, if you don't feel confident enough to approach this guy again and start some quality small talk, remember that Paulie (me) has bee through pretty much every stage of insecurity, shyness, infatuation, etc. that somebody of my age could have gone through, and I can totally identify with this guy. Ideally, I truly think it's a Man's job to do the "ice breaking," but in leau of that, if you want to persue this guy, chat him up, give him some slight ego boosters, ask him what he's doing this weekend, ask him what he does on the weekends in general. Basically, Talk to him. His walls will most probably come down, and then we, or you will take it from there.

 

Good luck,

 

Paulie

[Paulie]

Tony, I would agree with you IF THIS GUY HAD ANY CONFIDENCE.

 

It seems to me that he has none, because he is obviously interested in the girl (for the reasons I outlined in my post below), he just has no guts whatsoever.

 

To a guy with confidence, a girl that is available, and comes on to him alot is parhaps needy, easy to get, available, etc. But to a guy that has low confidence, and no woman hunting skills, he needs to feel that he's not going to be shot down before he exposes some of himself.

 

I'm not suggesting that this girl totally give herself over to this guy. I'm just saying that it seems that she has alot more confidence than him, and is probably more willing to go out on a limb with this thing than he is.

 

If she shows no interest, like you say Tony, it's just gonna stay the same way it has been...going nowhere. He'll continue to run from the break room when she comes in.

 

I generally agree with the philosophy of staying somewhat aloof, unavailable, etc. at least in the initial stages of a relationship. I just think this is a little different, because I don't think this ball will get rolling unless this girl gets the ball rolling at least a little bit more, at the outset.

[Tony T]

Yes, Paulie, I do agree with what you said. And he very well may be shy or have no confidence.

 

It is embarassing to me to have posts meant to help others directed to me in some way. Please keep this in mind. I am sure this lady will be greatly helped by what you have said.

[Paulie]

Wait, tone...maybe I'm confused. Paulie's not the only one that gets a little sensitive at times. Come on, this is part of the discussion that we get going here. It's great. My comments to you are just adding to the discussion, pointing out where I respectfully differ. What's wrong with that, and how's that embarrassing. I'd apologize where necessary, just don't see where I'm wrong.

[Rogue]

Find a way to make him jealous.I don't mean go out with other guys,I mean just rattle his cage a bit. Do something simple like comment on how good looking some guy is around or hint that you might be going out with someone.That should do the trick.

[Tony T]

OK

[Paulie]

All this back and forth this early in the day has gotten me very hungry. I'm going to Burger King.

[Tony T]

Ok, have it your way if you must!!!

[clueless]

RIIGHT

 

okay

 

since you seem to be having a big argument about this can I clear some things up??

 

because right now your telling me OPPOSITE things to do

 

He is REALLY shy but now he at lest talks to me and goes out of his way to do so... I tried the whole ignorning him thing

 

it DIDN"T work

 

I tried acting snotty and uniterested and he just ignored it

 

but then I went and talked to him about one of his intrests and he just lighted up and he followed me around like a little puppy dog for a few days until I went away when I came back he was HAPPY to see me (that doesn't happen to me very much )

 

I just want to know whats the next move

 

I want him to know Im interested because its been going on for almost 4months of this

 

and TONY I said I had bad luck in the past with guys and you assumed I was an airhead ovious flirt

 

thats not even close

 

the guys Ive dated before have just turned out to be something differant from what I thought they were

 

I don't know if its me but they all turn into super sensitive cry at movies kind of guys that Im just NOT tracted too.

 

but do you really think me ignoring him is going to help

 

when he ignored before it made me mad

 

not MAD in love with him but MAD at him for being a jerk

 

he acted like he was SCARED of me and I hated it

 

I don't want to make him hate me

[Tony T]

I have read over all these posts and your replies.

 

First, I don't think you should have to work all that hard to get this dude. If he doesn't respond to you, just move on with your life. There is love past Burger Kind, I promise. As a matter of fact, it is hardly ever a good idea to date people at work. This guy may realize that and is doing you a favor.

 

The second problem is YOU. You attract all these undesireable guys because there is something YOU are doing wrong. I don't know you really well but in reading your responses, it seems you really try to make things happen when they aren't meant to be. You are also very defensive when perhaps you should think about being more open minded.

 

All this will come with time. It is tragic that I couldn't have known at your age what I know now. I could have had every woman in the Burger King chain after me. But life is designed as it is and I can only hope that you will learn to chill and not work so hard at getting these turkeys into your life.

 

At your age, most guys are clueless, just like you. They are learning to. But there are guys, from nice families, who were raised properly, who will treat you like a lady. Now, again, I don't know you except from your posts. I don't know how you would actually respond to a guy who treated you nicely. I don't know exactly how you want to be treated.

 

But I will tell you straight out. We attract people into our lives by the kinds of signals we send out to the world. You need to take a good look at yourself, take some time to evaluate your own life and your own behavior, to get to the core reason why these jerks are coming your way.

 

When you decide to be the exact kind of person you are looking for YOURSELF, you will attract the kind of guys you are looking for.

 

Right now, I think you are attracting the kind of guys that are most like the person you are now. That's not an insult. That's a call that perhaps you may need to consider changing some things in your own life.

[Paulie]

Basically, there's merit to what each of us has said (Tony and Myself)

 

Now, is that confusing to you, maybe. So here's my attempt at clarification. There's a very fine line that you have to draw between exposing your feelings and flirting and stuff, and in remaining aloof, reserved, hard to get, etc.

 

This line should be drawn at different intervals, depending on the other person's confidence, along with other factors (such as how much interest they might have in you, are they outgoing, etc).

 

In general, I think that most people have their radar a little more set to be in tune with signals that somebody such as yourself may be giving somebody such as this guy. He seems TO ME to not be able to take a hint, and it therefore seems to me that it's a bit of a challenge to you to get the ball rolling by maybe continuing the roll of talking to him, flirting, and maybe asking him what he's up to this weekend, seeing as you've already tried to be aloof and unavailable.

 

I am in agreement with Tony that it is generally the case that you would be better off remaining aloof, unavailable, etc. I just ADDED to Tony's comments that I think maybe this is a different situation, where that line that I spoke of earlier in this post should be drawn a little more toward you flirting and talking to him. I think he needs to be shown some degree of reassurance, because he's kind of timid.

 

In short, push that line in the direction that I suggest. Flirt, by all means, ask him what he does on the weekends. But consistent with Tony's post, by all means, be very cautious not to be all over his ass. Make him earn you, to some degree, too. You've gotta be somewhat of a challenge to him, too.

 

Hope I've clarified this somewhat.

 

Later,

 

Paulie

[Mitch]

I tried acting snotty and uniterested and he just ignored it but then I went and talked to him about one of his intrests and he just lighted up and he followed me around like a little puppy dog for a few days until I went away when I came back he was HAPPY to see me (that doesn't happen to me very much )

So in effect, when you allowed your true intent through (i.e. that you were interested) by showing interest in him, things went much better.

 

Game playing is BS. It's one thing to tell the other person everything in the beginning (not a good idea as it looks desperate). It's another to try all this crap that "might" work according to a bad movie somewhere.

 

Being interested will get you farther, faster than any BS that sounds like it came out of that dismal tome, "The Rules".

[Mitch]

So let's recap:

 

Clueless had trouble even making first contact with this guy she works with.

 

Tony then says:

 

"You shouldn't be trying anything. You should do exactly what he did to drive you so intensely mad and interested in him. IGNORE HIM!!! If you don't learn from your experiences, you may as well pack it up. You became mad about him when he wouldn't give you the time of day. Turn the whole thing around. Don't make it too obvious, but turn your attention elsewhere. I promise you it will drive HIM mad."

 

It doesn't work and, heaven forbid, she tries the most obvious thing and talks to him. It works. Period.

 

BUT THEN, Tony posts this:

 

"Right now, I think you are attracting the kind of guys that are most like the person you are now. That's not an insult. That's a call that perhaps you may need to consider changing some things in your own life. "

 

What is this crap?? You don't know this!

 

This seems like some lame defense mechanism to avoid the fact that you were 180 degrees wrong. Wrong, wrong, WRONG!

 

She didn't hint that there was anything wrong with the guys she was going out with except that they were overly sensitive. Not quite her type. Which doesn't call for the heavy handed reinvestigate-your-life noise above.

 

Indeed, if we can't learn from our past mistakes, we might as well just pack it in.

 

Learn from it and deal with it yourself.

[clueless]

Thanks mitch

 

that makes a lot of sense

 

I didn't really like the fact that Tony generalised me in two differant ways that are nothing like me

 

one...

 

Im some kind of giggle head overly affectionate and flirtatious which is so NOT ME

 

and

 

two... that ITS MY FAULT that guys Ive dated in the past didn't work out and maybe it is me picking the wrong guys... but I don't have issues that make guys not my type

 

not to drag out my problem much more ... but I have another question

 

I just started working nights.. this guy works days... I DON"T see him unless I go in on a day off or something or if he comes in ... which he does !!

 

but the thing is.. its his birthday this sunday I go home at 8am and he comes in at like 10 30... I don't really want to wait 3 hours to wish him a happy birthday because I don't want to be SOO ovious and I thought of hiding a card for him somewhere or a baloon or something but showing favouritism (theres been like 5 or 6 birthdays this month) might give on a big CLUE to everyone else I work with

 

ANY IDEAS on what I CAN do??

[Mitch]

I just started working nights.. this guy works days... I DON"T see him unless I go in on a day off or something or if he comes in ... which he does !! but the thing is.. its his birthday this sunday I go home at 8am and he comes in at like 10 30... I don't really want to wait 3 hours to wish him a happy birthday because I don't want to be SOO ovious and I thought of hiding a card for him somewhere or a baloon or something but showing favouritism (theres been like 5 or 6 birthdays this month) might give on a big CLUE to everyone else I work with

Well, for this to go anywhere, you'll probably have to get it out of the work environment sooner or later. Having said that, it's quite possible the "forbidden" aspect of it is keeping it going to a degree.

 

Drop off a little gift at his house. Nothing fancy, just something simple to show you give a damn. If he's at work tomorrow, there's the perfect time.

 

And me thinks that there is a dramatic difference between being super available (i.e. desperate) and just doing the most obvious thing.

 

Because think about this:

 

If you have to play all these complicated BS games with somebody and that's the *only* thing they respond to, what do you think life is going to be like with them later?? What does this say about the person?

 

And what I find really funny is the following:

 

Nobody here would probably dare guess your hair color right? Because who knows?

 

But give you advice on where you are now and where you've been with your most intimate relationships.

 

Oh YEAH! They got that covered!

 

Crap like that gives the whole field (psychology) a bad rap.

 

Just be careful and go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

Good luck.