Mrlonelyone Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 A long time married relative wrote on facebook, as a status, this. Most people are alone for one or two reasons: either their standards are too high, or their self-esteem is too low. # too many mutually lonely people out there for any other explanation Are they correct? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 A long time married relative wrote on facebook, as a status, this. Are they correct? "Never apologize for having high standards, because people who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them." I'm single and I know I have high standards. I have high standards because I know how I personally treat people, and I won't accept anything less for myself in return. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 No, they are not correct. At least not about the "standards" part. If a person has standards, they are not doing themselves or their potential partners a favor to just abandon them because they don't like being alone. I do think that low self esteem probably stands in a lot of folks' way to getting a relationship off the ground. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 The operative word here being "most" (in other words there are exceptions), I'd agree. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Yeah my self-esteem is very low. But if I lowered my standards any more, I'd be chasing women I'd have no physical attraction to. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter Attis Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 People who use Facebook: free time too high, intelligence too low 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StillReigning Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I know one guy who was a virgin until ~22. He works in finance, is 6 3 and is ok looking(think Ryan gosling with a much smaller chin) but he wasn't having any luck. He decided to lower his standards and in the last year alone he's banged about a dozen 300 + lb middle aged women. He recently turned 25.. What the hell? Your friend is a retard 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I would say standards on some level because as a person you have to realistically think about what you have to offer if you require certain things. I think that even though some have low self esteem some have a big ego to overcompensate for the low self esteem. I always saw dating as a person figuring out what they wanted in a person to be in a relationship with. You talk to a few members of the opposite sex and figure out if that is what you want. Its called multidating on here and the mere talk of that brings out the " you should talk to one at a time" or " I don't like multidaters" because the thought of competition goes doesn't satisfy the hunger of an overinflated ego that is overcompensating. Then there is healthy and realistic expectations in dating/relationship interactions. There are some due to bad experience expect so much from a potential partner or someone they are getting to know and expect that person to expect so little from them. It gets to the point where they become not able to compromise and it turns a lot of people away. I met a "cat lady" recently. She worked and retired from a great job and loved it but after getting to talking to her and knowing here she lacked the willingness to compromise outside of the workplace. She gave me crap for have a job she believed was traditionally a female job. The cats became her relationship partner because they gave the illusion of her having certain expectations met and there are some people that with the lack of dating because of their own doing will find substitutes such as cats or opposite sex platonic friends that meet their expectations but are not asking a lot of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
8mia8 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 That statement is true if you value quantity over quality and I value quality. I'd rather wait to have one person I love who loves me back than many people coming in and out of my life where there wasn't mutual love and respect. Therefore, I'd say people seem to lack standards, are desperate, and yes, have low self esteem. They don't know what they want and some are even willing to change fundamentally who they are just to find someone else. Just look at how all these advice on how to get dates and move further, as if you can just put two people together and make it work if you have the right moves. They are then, for some reason, surprised when it doesn't work out. Instead of wasting time, one should raise the bar higher so when it does actually move forward, there's a higher chance of success. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 Interesting responses. @Kamile I agree with you about low self esteem, for the most part. I have seen it in other people. My little sister is really cute and 24 she should be beating the men off with a stick. Yet, she never seems to have any man in her life (or woman I have considered that and she's not a lesbian). She's just so bashful and meek. She has no idea how good she really looks or how sweet she is and just shuts down any man that comes near her. I have seen this in my own life. When guys approach me,a transgender woman of color, then find out what I study/do the mood changes radically. That's even true in establishments that are known TG gathering places. The very few women I have given a try, even very accomplished ones, act interested until they see the full extent of my science. I really hope that does not come off as a brag. I need someone as full of beans as I am. Standards are a good thing. As long as we don't mean the mythical "shopping list" that some people have standards are a good thing. If the standards come from your emotions and not a buch of superficial expectations, then they are a very good thing. If your not feeling it then a relationship is not possible. People who use Facebook: free time too high, intelligence too low My self esteem is so high that this dosen't really bother me. Maybe it's too high? Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 "Never apologize for having high standards, because people who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them." I'm single and I know I have high standards. I have high standards because I know how I personally treat people, and I won't accept anything less for myself in return. The problem is not high standards but unrealistically high standards. The dating scene is a market place ruled by the laws of supply and demand. This means that if you want a man who is the top 5% of the male population (i.e. a tall, good looking, romantic and confident guy with a great job), you have to be a woman in the top 5% of the female population (i.e. a woman who looks like a playboy bunny, f*cks lie a pornstar, cooks like Wolfgang Puck and is rapidly advancing up the corporate ladder while popping kids along the way). If you are a typical boring, middle class American chubster, waiting for Prince Charming to show up on your doorstep is just not realistic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StillReigning Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 The problem is not high standards but unrealistically high standards. The dating scene is a market place ruled by the laws of supply and demand. This means that if you want a man who is the top 5% of the male population (i.e. a tall, good looking, romantic and confident guy with a great job), you have to be a woman in the top 5% of the female population (i.e. a woman who looks like a playboy bunny, f*cks lie a pornstar, cooks like Wolfgang Puck and is rapidly advancing up the corporate ladder while popping kids along the way). If you are a typical boring, middle class American chubster, waiting for Prince Charming to show up on your doorstep is just not realistic. 5 star post here Although it's not 5% of men who are tall, good looking, confident and with a great job. That's more like 1% of men. Only 10% of men make six figures and plenty of those are unappealing nerdy types or much older men Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 The problem is not high standards but unrealistically high standards. The dating scene is a market place ruled by the laws of supply and demand. This means that if you want a man who is the top 5% of the male population (i.e. a tall, good looking, romantic and confident guy with a great job), you have to be a woman in the top 5% of the female population (i.e. a woman who looks like a playboy bunny, f*cks lie a pornstar, cooks like Wolfgang Puck and is rapidly advancing up the corporate ladder while popping kids along the way). If you are a typical boring, middle class American chubster, waiting for Prince Charming to show up on your doorstep is just not realistic. I agree that people should have standards, but that having unrealistically high standards is tantamount to shooting one's own self in the foot. I just thought it was funny that you kind of demonstrated your own point here. 5% of men = tall, good-looking, romantic and confident ...sounds fairly realistic. but your top 5% of women = playboy bunny type, f*cks like a pornstar, cooks like Wolfgang Puck and rapidly advancing up corporate ladder while popping out kids ...totally unrealistic. I get that perhaps you were exaggerating to make a point, but it seems like an odd way to do it when you're really trying to make the opposite one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) @ General varus I think that much more than 5% of men are good looking to women. It's more like. Let's look at this question in terms of what women go for in online dating profiles. They want a man who's 6ft or taller. According to this chart, taken from hospital measurements about 25% of men in their 30's are over six foot. (Mens average height chart) The average height, about 5'10". They want a man who's in good shape. According to this, chart from the same source, 50% of all men have a BMI lower than the cut off for being overweight. (Mens BMI body mass index also varies with age) In other words, on average, American men are in good shape and tall enough for height to not be a real barrier to attraction. An American woman's problem isn't finding a man who's physically attractive enough, the problem is finding a man who's that and has it going on in the rest of his life. Now for the ladies. If we look at the BMI chart for women. Womens BMI body mass index certainly changes with age we see that the same percentage of women are under the BMI cut off for overweight, but those who are overweight are more likely to be obese. Perhaps, just perhaps, American men are more superficial because, unlike the women, finding a physically attractive mate is still a meaningful screen. What do I know, I'm admittedly way way more into guys and hold them to a lower standard. TL;DR: In the USA at least most men are of a good attractive height and in good physical condition. It stands to reason that about 25% are considered truly good looking. Most US men are good looking enough to turn on a woman based on looks alone. So women have to look deeper to make a real choice. US men on the other hand can still narrow the field of women by looks alone. Edited August 25, 2012 by Mrlonelyone tldr Link to post Share on other sites
udolipixie Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Toss up as to whether they're correct that single people are so because of too high standards or too low self esteem. I think there's some truth in it though in my opinion generally guys are single because their standards are too high and gals are single because their self-esteem is too low. I know it's not true for me as I'm single since I want to be as I see it as far more fun to have an array of guys for my amusement and entertainment than be burden with one. As well as I see a relationship as all negatives for a heterosexual gal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 You may be right about chronically single women. Many of them have this whole "why would anyone ever love me" attitude. Low self esteem almost to the point of being clinically depressed will keep someone single. Link to post Share on other sites
mesmerized Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Has anyone ever thought maybe some single people actually enjoy being single? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 What the hell? Your friend is a retard This is off topic, but I would really appreciate it if you'd stop calling people "retards" as an insult. It's offensive. I'm sure you can think of a different insult to use. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 A long time married relative wrote on facebook, as a status, this. Are they correct? None of my long-time married friends or relatives ever said this to me. They were sad when I was divorced... they are there for me in my dating travails... if anything, they say the opposite... that I give lots of men way too much benefit of the doubt... and my standards are exactly where they need to be when I ultimately ditch the guy. Respectful but not putting up with BS. My friends and relatives place the blame on a culture that doesn't value LTR's or marriage. I tend to agree with them. Sounds like your relative is quite arrogant about their marriage and relationship status if they are posting stuff like that. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) She has no idea how good she really looks or how sweet she is and just shuts down any man that comes near her. Maybe she understands better than you do that alot of these guys don't have her best interest at heart... or really give a sh*t about getting to know her at all. If she perceives they are just after her because of her youth and looks... she'd be correct in shoving them off... ... or... maybe she has other things to do than entertain lots of suitors... Is she going to school? Working hard at a job she is trying to do well at? Edited August 25, 2012 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
mario_C Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 *raises hand* Could we do one of those thread consolidations? Put all the "Are standards too high?" threads in one thread and then we just go there when we want to debate it? Just a suggestion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Maybe she understands better than you do that alot of these guys don't have her best interest at heart... or really give a sh*t about getting to know her at all. If she perceives they are just after her because of her youth and looks... she'd be correct in shoving them off... ... or... maybe she has other things to do than entertain lots of suitors... Is she going to school? Working hard at a job she is trying to do well at? That's just it. I mean she's sort of an out of work actor/pastry chef right now. Not really in school, not doing much at all. She has some problems but nothing that other people don't deal with. People like her at least date just to socialize. Link to post Share on other sites
meeji Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 "Never apologize for having high standards, because people who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them." I'm single and I know I have high standards. I have high standards because I know how I personally treat people, and I won't accept anything less for myself in return. Amen! I'm exactly the same way! Link to post Share on other sites
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