venusianx13 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Background: Ex and Iwere engaged 8 years ago while I was pregnant with my son, had my son, ex becameemotionally abusive/abused Rx pills, I left with my son, and broke it off. Despite all of this, judge granted jointcustody (and my ex supposedly got clean), but I am primary custodial parent. Since then, long story short, his father hasbeen a serial co-habitator with his next 4 girlfriends. I have never been happy with this, and havebrought it up in court before a judge (among other things). Judge seemed to overlook this. That considered, those are only the women he’slived with – there have been numerous girlfriends in between and my son hasbeen exposed to ALL of them. I do notagree with his father’s judgment on this. I do not think it is appropriate or a stable situation for my son to be in. I bring this up now,because I just came to find out that my son’s dad recently broke up with hislatest girlfriend who he’s been with for about 2 years, and my son had becomevery fond of. I saw her just two weeksago, and spoke with her briefly when I picked up my son; everything seemed fine. Just yesterday, I asked his father where hisgirlfriend was, and he informed me that they had broken up. I told him I was sorry to hear that and heassured me he was just fine. However,when I talked to my son, he told me that he’d already met Dad’s NEW girlfriend,as she was there just that day. I amabsolutely FUMING. I honestly do NOTcare who or what his father does, but WHY the constant exposure of our son toall of this? He has plenty of time awayfrom my son, so why can’t he plan dates for nights when my son is withme?! That, and when I asked my son if hestill sees Lauren, the girl he had come to know, he tells me, “No, she movedaway.” To me, his father’s behaviors areinexcusable in their own right, but why must he expose our son to this? There is just no excuse. I have been very careful in dating, specifically because ofmy son. When my ex-fiance of 5 years andI broke up, I did not bring my son around my new dates. It wasn’t until I met a man and was sure ofhis feelings about me bringing a child into the picture, and certain of hischaracter and commitment to me that I introduced my son. So,this is the second man I’ve EVER introduced my son to…and this would be the 8th woman (that I know of) that his father has introduced our son to (including theones he’s lived with). And the latestbeing introduced only two weeks or less after kicking his last gf to the curb. I was about to rip his dad a new one last night…but I didn’t. My son was within earshot and I didn’t wanthim to become upset. I plan on speakingwith him on Sunday, but I need some advice. I am so angry about his behavior that I am having trouble articulatingpoints to bring to him in regards to this. I also fear him gaslighting me as he has so often done in the past. Either way, I’d appreciate input fromoutsiders. Even if you disagree with my POV. Link to post Share on other sites
wow04 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I know how you feel, but I hate to say there is nothing you can do about it. I used to feel the same way. I had a judge flat out tell me that as long as my daughter wasn't being abused that whatever happened at her dad's house was none of my business. I decided then that it was a lost cause. I decided to show her that you don't have to live that way. Her dad and I split up over 13 years ago and I have only introduced her to 2 men. Granted I was married to one for 6 years of that time. I have 3 other kids with my ex husband and I have only introduced to them to one man, while their dad has introduced them to 3 different women. You can't control it and he isn't going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 You know what I'd do? I'd discuss it with your son first.... In a non-accusatory way, just discuss with him what he thinks about dad having so many GFs.... It's a shame he broke up with the last one, your son liked her.... how is this one? Which one did he like best? does he think it's weird his dad has had so many GFs? ..Just take it easy.... his answers may well surprise you - and give you an insight into his opinions - which will make you better prepared to speak to your ex-H about it - if you then decide to do so at all.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 Thank you... yes, I am planning on speaking to my son tonight about it. I feel this is unfair to him because what I sense happens is that when these new girls come around, my son has to compete for attention from his dad. He lets him sit and play with the I-Pad or Xbox, and his dad does his thing. I suspect that this is what would have happened last night, too, had I not asked last minute to take him bowling. The new girl was there at the house. I've noticed that my son seems completely starved for attention when he comes back from a stay with his dad. This, on top of having to say goodbye to women he comes to grow fond of... none of it is fair or healthy, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 While I completely understand that you must be royally pissed at your ex- try to not play the 'blame game'. Listen to your son, ask how it makes him feel, and let him talk and express himself... don't agree, disagree, accuse or justify. Just listen. This is because sometimes, he might feel compelled to say what he believes you want him to say... if you give him 'free rein' he's more likely to speak from the heart.... Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I think your ex is using your son in dating. And i think he is using those girls as well, to take care of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 Radu, I'm not sure he is attracting women using our son, but I do know for fact that all of the longer term girlfriends he's had have had more than just a little to do with taking care of him. I actually keep in touch with the woman who was in my son's life for 3 years after I left, as it became apparent to me that she truly cared for him very much. She still comes to see him when he is with me. I thought it was only fair to the both of them, that they stay in each other's lives. I talked to my son some yesterday, and asked him how he felt about Lauren leaving (the latest longer term gf who was around a lot), and he said he felt sad. He said he used to spend a lot of time with her (this is no surprise to me). I also asked him how he felt about the new girl coming over, and he said she's nice, but he misses Lauren. Biggest revelation: I asked him why he acts out when he comes home with me. I asked why he is always off the wall, and why is he looking for that kind of attention? He flat out tells me it's because he doesn't get a lot of attention at his dad's. Am I surprised? Not in the least. I would like to talk to his father, but I'm not sure what to say yet. There are plenty points for concern here, but in the past, these kinds of talks were never well received (and as I'd mentioned, he would gaslight me). (sigh) Needless to say, I am very worried. However, when my son goes back to school in a week, he will be with me more than he is with his father, so that's a huge relief. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Worst part I see here is your son learning from his dad how to be with women...that it's normal to just run through and depend on them, and son always wants to be like father because that's the example that's being set to him, this is what your son sees and hears...right now he's just taking it in and confused, but once he starts getting older and the testosterone starts pumping and he starts to learn the ropes with women and starts to incorporate the good ole memories and lessons of dad he can realize that he doesn't have to respect them much and can take them for granted, after all there's always a new gullible one around the corner willing to be taken advantage of. It's you job to teach your son when as he's growing up the behavior that his dad is committing and how this is not the right way to treat women. Instill values in him and teach him how to respect, care for and be essentially a better man than your ex. I think your ex will get mad or defensive for your judgment if you come at him angry, he already knows to just swat you away like an annoying fly...plus he doesn't feel he needs to change his life or behavior for you. I would approach him or write a letter therefore that you're concerned because your son appears to be emotionally affected by his relationships and the attachments then sudden disconnects with women he is in a relationship with and would like for him to talk to his son about this and explain to him in a way he can understand the situation and not just materialize his own assessments based on what he sees...remind him that his actions are being watched and learned by his son and you'd like him to address that so he doesn't get the wrong idea about women and understands whats going on. Otherwise just communication, that's all you can do...It's better to have your ex a little bit on your side than just fighting with him completely and your ex just acting out defiantly. As long as your son is not being mistreated or abused I don't think it's up to a judge to determine the living situation quality of life..he may not have the power to do anything by law...I mean it's basically you whining about your ex's lifestyle, how common do you think he hears that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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