People With Wildly Unrealistic Standards

[Lonely Ronin]

What extreme am I taking it to??

 

I no longer complain, I just accept. Like I said, I wouldn't want to be "settled for" anyway. I would rather be alone than with someone who was only dating me because they couldn't get what they wanted, and thus lowered their standards.

 

You're equating lowering your standards with settling. Only in extreme cases is lowering of ones standards settling. In a lot of cases lowering ones standards could better be described as broadening one's horizons. Or in other cases it's snapping out of la la land and re-joining the real world.

 

For example while some might call deciding to date women other than blondes "lowering their standards", I would calling it no longer being a moron.

[Weezy1973]

Please note: This is not a female or male bashing thread or anything like that. I'm perfectly aware that most people have a realistic idea of who they can attract

 

 

Anyways, have you guys ever met people with just insane standards in their mate? I was hanging out yesterday with some people and this acquaintance of mine (a 34 year old single woman) has the most ridiculous standards I've ever seen. I would honestly consider her a 2/10 - she has a legitimately ugly face and is basically fat. Her mannerisms are disgusting too, she acts too much like a man often times. Anyways, the only kind of guys she is attracted to are good looking/athletic/very confident/often times high income guys. I would say that she's legitimately in the bottom 10% of women and only seems to want a top 10 maybe top 5% male

 

 

What the hell is this about? Do people like this not have mirrors in their house? Is it because of societal brainwashing that makes certain people believe they can look like a nobody and date a superstar? I don't think I even have to say this because you guys probably suspected it at this point but she's never had a real long term boyfriend. She mainly sleeps around with guys far out of her league and then cries when none of them want to be seen in public with her. She gave a blowjob one time to another acquaintance who is a good looking executive at a company and then cried afterwards because I guess he didn't want to f*ck her or something

 

 

Yesterday when we were all drinking, she goes "I don't care what anybody says, I'm going to find my prince charming". I cringed so hard at that point - do people like that not realize that prince charming is looking for a princess who is about as physically flawless as he is?

 

 

From this description I suspect it's a defense mechanism. She is rejecting the vast majority of men before they can reject her. We see the same premise by guys who like the blind approach technique: why not just approach the hottest women seeing as I'm likely to be rejected anyways. That way I wasn't rejected for who I am, I was rejected because they are hot and have a ton of options.

[verhrzn]

You're equating lowering your standards with settling. Only in extreme cases is lowering of ones standards settling. In a lot of cases lowering ones standards could better be described as broadening one's horizons. Or in other cases it's snapping out of la la land and re-joining the real world.

 

For example while some might call deciding to date women other than blondes "lowering their standards", I would calling it no longer being a moron.

 

If they like blondes, if blondes really float their boat, if their dream girl is a blonde.... they should just stick with blondes.

 

I just think it's an awful fine distinction between "lowering your standards" and "settling" to the point that it's not even worth dissecting. Why lower your standards? Why not hold out for what you want? When has lowering one's standards ever lead to anything positive?

[StillReigning]

If they like blondes, if blondes really float their boat, if their dream girl is a blonde.... they should just stick with blondes.

 

I just think it's an awful fine distinction between "lowering your standards" and "settling" to the point that it's not even worth dissecting. Why lower your standards? Why not hold out for what you want? When has lowering one's standards ever lead to anything positive?

 

 

The matter of hair color is an incredibly superficial and pointless trait to obsess over

 

 

The reason you want to have realistic standards is so you at least give yourself the chance to find somebody who is right for you instead of spending 10 years looking for a top 10% guy who will settle for an average girl. Besides, you will often times find yourself more and more attracted as you get to know somebody if that person has a great personality

 

 

I mean for me, I like South European girls but I met an awesome black girl yesterday and I found myself more and more attracted to her...even though she is not my type at all. Point is that if you want to be successful, you gotta shoot for something realistic and try to find somebody who is compatible with you and you will grow to be more and more attracted to her. If you're going to be like this girl I know and shoot for a top 10% guy as a bottom 10% woman...well you're going to be 34 and single with no dating prospects desperately hoping to get married somewhere in the near future

[StillReigning]

You're equating lowering your standards with settling. Only in extreme cases is lowering of ones standards settling. In a lot of cases lowering ones standards could better be described as broadening one's horizons. Or in other cases it's snapping out of la la land and re-joining the real world.

 

For example while some might call deciding to date women other than blondes "lowering their standards", I would calling it no longer being a moron.

 

 

This is a great post, I agree

[VodkaShots]

hmmm, I was thinking of examples but I think you're right.

Maybe the ones I saw where the guy was hotter than the girl were just dating examples or whatever - maybe not marriage.

 

The cases where there is a clear difference does happen even in marriage is when the woman is hot and the man isn't. You can argue that one all you want, but I know for a fact that's happened because I can think of a bunch of married couples that fall into that category.

 

 

Ooooh, just thought of the reverse example:

rapper T.I and his wife.

he's a pretty good looking guy, and he's successful and she's fugly!

 

yaaay, I found an example

 

WWE wrestler Randy Orton (who is a 6'4" toned hunk and obviously rich and fairly famous to boot, so he ticks all the boxes) has an average looking wife who he is happily married to as well, even though he could easily get a model/diva if he wanted.

 

http://www.wrestlingvalley.org/wp-content/uploads//8783/8783.jpg

 

Anyway, I do have a friend who is very overweight, VERY. it is sad. She dresses well for her body though, and her face is not unattractive. I find her standards for men to be WAY unrealistic. I am tall, thin, pretty and I don't even think I would be bagging the guys she wants. And as it stands, she has NO relationship / sexual experience because she is holding out for a super top guy. And in the end, she is lonely and she is sad she has never had the experiences that I and her other friends have had. She wants it very badly. But won't lower her standards, and I honestly feel bad because I don't think she'll ever get what she wants if she doesn't re-evaluate her requirements. I mean the thing is, they aren't preferences, they are REQUIREMENTS and...well, I feel badly for her but can't help but think she is putting herself in this situation.

 

OP maybe instead of the # thing (2/10) you could have like, posted a pic of someone she resembles or used a celeb example or something, perhaps less offensive to some?

 

Rather than suggesting that she should lower her standards, why not suggest to take steps to improve herself? You say she dresses well and doesn't have an unattractive face, so it would probably be beneficial for her to get a good diet and exercise regime and lose all the weight, her face will look much better and make-up will also help her, and other things, like a new hairstyle or something. It doesn't guarantee she'll get the men she's holding out for, but it will open more options for her since more men will be attracted to her and she'll probably find a man that she's actually attracted to as well, even if he doesn't meet her exact dreamt up standards. She's in a position where most remotely desireble men aren't interested (with her only options being men she's completely unattracted to herself or users/trashy guys) and has no experience, so she's allowed herself to fantasize too much and build up some dream man she wants.

 

Of course if she refuses to do anything to help herself, then it's her own loss.

 

OP: I've met more than a handful of single overweight (beer gut), middle aged men with a missing tooth or two who bitterly complain about how too many women are ugly and that they are thinking of going abroad to get some Russian or Thai bride. They're usually of the type on dating websites demanding hot 25 year olds.

 

[StillReigning]

WWE wrestler Randy Orton (who is a 6'4" toned hunk and obviously rich and fairly famous to boot, so he ticks all the boxes) has an average looking wife who he is happily married to as well, even though he could easily get a model/diva if he wanted.

 

http://www.wrestlingvalley.org/wp-content/uploads//8783/8783.jpg

 

 

 

That's average? She is plenty cute. That's more of a case of a extremely good looking guy dating a regular cute girl. That's not all that common but it's nothing shocking. I would date and/or marry that girl in a heartbeat if she was a great person/wife

 

 

BTW pro wrestlers are infamous for cheating on their wives with pro wrestling groupies and divas. John Cena I guess cheated on his wife with super gorgeous Eve. I'm not saying Orton is also cheating but if I had to bet one way or another, I would bet yes. They're on the road 300 days a year and constantly surrounded by super hot babes who want them. That temptation is too much to resist for most men

 

 

Rather than suggesting that she should lower her standards, why not suggest to take steps to improve herself? You say she dresses well and doesn't have an unattractive face, so it would probably be beneficial for her to get a good diet and exercise regime and lose all the weight, her face will look much better and make-up will also help her, and other things, like a new hairstyle or something. It doesn't guarantee she'll get the men she's holding out for, but it will open more options for her since more men will be attracted to her and she'll probably find a man that she's actually attracted to as well, even if he doesn't meet her exact dreamt up standards. She's in a position where most remotely desireble men aren't interested (with her only options being men she's completely unattracted to herself or users/trashy guys) and has no experience, so she's allowed herself to fantasize too much and build up some dream man she wants.

 

Of course if she refuses to do anything to help herself, then it's her own loss.

 

Fat people are hard as hell to change. They're so attached to food and so stuck in their ways that no amount of encouragement, motivation and knowledge will get them off the couch

 

Trust me I've tried

 

OP: I've met more than a handful of single overweight (beer gut), middle aged men with a missing tooth or two who bitterly complain about how too many women are ugly and that they are thinking of going abroad to get some Russian or Thai bride. They're usually of the type on dating websites demanding hot 25 year olds.

 

 

 

Yep, I agree. I think it's stupid both ways

[Lonely Ronin]

If they like blondes, if blondes really float their boat, if their dream girl is a blonde.... they should just stick with blondes.

 

I just think it's an awful fine distinction between "lowering your standards" and "settling" to the point that it's not even worth dissecting. Why lower your standards? Why not hold out for what you want? When has lowering one's standards ever lead to anything positive?

 

what would you tell a friend who said I will only date guys with a moustache? would you tell her to hold out or would you tell her to stop being stupid ?

[threebyfate]

Oh come on do you really think these 35 year old women who are single who want a top 10% guy are "patient" and "don't whine"?

 

 

You know they're the first ones to complain about how they're single all the time and how they can't find a nice guy

How old do you think I was when I met my second husband? Not yet 35 but pretty close to it.

 

No, I didn't complain all the time.

 

Now if someone's always whining and bringing you down, just distance yourself. Everyone's happy then.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eh, men seem to wildly misinterpret "prince charming". I am holding out for "prince charming" but it seems like definition of prince charming differs.

 

My ultimate "prince charming" would be my boss. Now, he is 10 years older than me, only 5'7" tall and very average looking. But he is extremely intelligent and funny, and the kindest person I have ever met. And when he smiles, his dimples me feel all tingly inside.

 

I have met much better looking men, richer men and none made me feel this way.

 

I don't think that it's unrealistic to hold out for someone like my above example at all (my boss is taken but someone with similar qualities to him).

[Mittens]

Reading this reminds me of the old saying: "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever"

[irc333]

If they like blondes, if blondes really float their boat, if their dream girl is a blonde.... they should just stick with blondes.

 

I just think it's an awful fine distinction between "lowering your standards" and "settling" to the point that it's not even worth dissecting. Why lower your standards? Why not hold out for what you want? When has lowering one's standards ever lead to anything positive?

 

Well, Laura Gottlieb and her book "Why is it okay to settle for Mr. Good Enough" explains why.

 

The FINE LINE between compromising and settling is VERY thin.

 

In fact, it took the author to realize that it was NOT settling made her realize that SETTLING was the better option.

 

That talking about settling in a positive way, made other people feel uncomfortable talking about it. That it's an absurd thing even considering, and downright UN American.

 

IT's American culture that pressures us to "keep an eye on the prize."

 

She basically explains that people are looking for things in a mate that simply don't matter.

 

Perhaps thinking back, and reflecting on that guy you turned down because he was a little too short for you, should now be taken into consideration in the future?

 

 

After you watch the video, and read the article, it might make sense.

[xxoo]

Eh, men seem to wildly misinterpret "prince charming". I am holding out for "prince charming" but it seems like definition of prince charming differs.

 

My ultimate "prince charming" would be my boss. Now, he is 10 years older than me, only 5'7" tall and very average looking. But he is extremely intelligent and funny, and the kindest person I have ever met. And when he smiles, his dimples me feel all tingly inside.

 

I have met much better looking men, richer men and none made me feel this way.

 

I don't think that it's unrealistic to hold out for someone like my above example at all (my boss is taken but someone with similar qualities to him).

 

Love that example, ES. That's how it works.

 

I'm always surprised when people haven't experienced overwhelming attraction to a regular person.

[GoodOnPaper]

Love that example, ES. That's how it works.

 

I'm always surprised when people haven't experienced overwhelming attraction to a regular person.

 

Really? I suspect that her attraction came as a result of getting to know her boss -- which is something she did because she had to be around him for work purposes. In the dating world, wouldn't he have been filtered out before they even got to know each other? I think that's where the "unrealistic" standards the OP is talking about get applied.

[AD1980]

Really? I suspect that her attraction came as a result of getting to know her boss -- which is something she did because she had to be around him for work purposes. In the dating world, wouldn't he have been filtered out before they even got to know each other? I think that's where the "unrealistic" standards the OP is talking about get applied.

 

Exactly guys like me who dont have the "stats" looks wise its hard because i dont have women in my social circle to evnetually build up attraction..I have to rely on online dating and cold approaches whch both are judged by superficial things..

[somedude81]

Really? I suspect that her attraction came as a result of getting to know her boss -- which is something she did because she had to be around him for work purposes. In the dating world, wouldn't he have been filtered out before they even got to know each other? I think that's where the "unrealistic" standards the OP is talking about get applied.

He's also in a position of authority over her which definitely plays some part in being attracted to him.

 

As for being filtered out in the dating world, in one of the various height threads, she claimed that men under 5'10 were a deal-breaker for her. This guy is 5'7.

 

She'd never even give him the time of day.

[mesmerized]

There is a difference between sexual attraction and just attraction. There are a lot of guys I find incredibly cute/adorable but I wouldn't sleep with them. I have a feeling ES's attraction for her boss is not really sexual.

[verhrzn]

what would you tell a friend who said I will only date guys with a moustache? would you tell her to hold out or would you tell her to stop being stupid ?

 

I'd say "okay, cool." Maybe she can only be sexually turned on by guys with moustaches. I really don't think it's my place to tell someone to reach inside their heads and fiddle with their wiring. Granted, this is an extreme view of it, but it's like telling a gay person they should try dating girls... after all, genitals aren't that big a deal! It's superficial packaging!

 

People are into what they're into. Why should I pass judgement on it?

 

The reason you want to have realistic standards is so you at least give yourself the chance to find somebody who is right for you instead of spending 10 years looking for a top 10% guy who will settle for an average girl. Besides, you will often times find yourself more and more attracted as you get to know somebody if that person has a great personality

 

I have never been attracted to a person by getting to know them. Never. It's just not how I work. I know pretty much instantaneously if I'm into someone. (I'd say within two to three decent conversations.) Getting to know them intimately or what their personality is like does not increase or decrease my attraction to them. It just doesn't.

 

I should hasten to add that I don't date someone based on just attraction. They must also have a great personality. For example, I've been attracted to jerks, but not wanted to date them because they were jerks. I will only date someone who I am both attracted to AND has a good personality.

 

But I do not become MORE attracted to someone just because I find out hey, they're a nice person. In all of my relationships, my attraction to my partner has stayed at the exact same level it was when we first went out... If I was really into them at the beginning, I remain really into them throughout the course of dating, even if they suddenly develop jerky personality traits.

 

I figure that there are people out there wired like me... Where a personality just has no impact on what gets them going. Also, if someone is "right" for me, then they will meet my standards.

 

Lowering my standards got me absolutely nothing. So now I'm just sticking with em. If it means I'm single, oh well. I was supposed to be okay with being single anyway. Better than lowering my standards, still getting rejected, AND also ending up in a relationship that doesn't fulfill my needs. Pursuing what I want sounds like a much better option.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It just seems that women, no matter what they look like or who they are, always demand the best.

 

It's sad when the ones who could be a great catch for one guy, don't even notice him because she's off chasing another guy who won't even give her the time of day.

 

What is the big problem with understanding that most people need to LIKE and BE ATTRACTED to someone in order to be with them? Just because she "could be a great catch" for some guy doesn't mean that she LIKES that guy or IS ATTRACTED TO HIM.

 

What is it that's so difficult to wrap your mind around about this?

 

She might be off chasing another guy who won't give her the time of day. I hope that she'll give up on that soon, and find a different guy who she LIKES AND IS ATTRACTED TO who feels the same way about her! That's what relationships are all about, dude!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Not at all. Obviously confidence/personality is a huge part of it

 

Um …

 

What draws people together is subjective. Just because someone is good looking with confidence and a "good personality" (whatever the f that means) doesn't indicate that they are going to be a good match for someone else.

 

You speak as if people were things.

[xxoo]

Really? I suspect that her attraction came as a result of getting to know her boss -- which is something she did because she had to be around him for work purposes. In the dating world, wouldn't he have been filtered out before they even got to know each other? I think that's where the "unrealistic" standards the OP is talking about get applied.

 

That's a problem with "the dating world" imo, not with how attraction works. Dating people you don't know at all seems....unnecessarily difficult.

 

It is ironic to me that affairs still start in the "real world" (it is really common for affairs to begin at work), but legitimate dating in the real world seems obsolete

[Lonely Ronin]

I'd say "okay, cool." Maybe she can only be sexually turned on by guys with moustaches. I really don't think it's my place to tell someone to reach inside their heads and fiddle with their wiring. Granted, this is an extreme view of it, but it's like telling a gay person they should try dating girls... after all, genitals aren't that big a deal! It's superficial packaging!

 

People are into what they're into. Why should I pass judgement on it?

 

It's not even close to telling someone to not be gay. Honestly I think that what the problem is with half the people on LS, they have ridiculously narrow standards, and then complain because they are single, or can't find someone who treats them right. People need to get their heads out of the clouds, and start living in the real world.

[verhrzn]

It's not even close to telling someone to not be gay. Honestly I think that what the problem is with half the people on LS, they have ridiculously narrow standards, and then complain because they are single, or can't find someone who treats them right. People need to get their heads out of the clouds, and start living in the real world.

 

I didn't have that high of standards to begin with, but lowering mine didn't help. There are many reasons people can be single, but honestly, I don't think high standards is one of them. Telling someone to lower their standards is just another way of saying "You suck and don't deserve what you want."

[StillReigning]

Um …

 

What draws people together is subjective. Just because someone is good looking with confidence and a "good personality" (whatever the f that means) doesn't indicate that they are going to be a good match for someone else.

 

You speak as if people were things.

 

 

A good personality is somebody who is charismatic and likable

 

 

It doesn't sound like you've met many guys in your lifetime who had that great larger than life personality. They're just as in demand as extremely hot women are

[Lonely Ronin]

I didn't have that high of standards to begin with, but lowering mine didn't help.

 

My exes never needed to tell me I was below their physical standard... I knew from the way they acted that's what they thought, and they later confirmed it.?

 

Yes, your comment above proves your standards are too low in some areas.

 

 

 

Telling someone to lower their standards is just another way of saying "You suck and don't deserve what you want."

 

First off, imo no one deserves anything. The entire I deserve mentality is f-ing up this country. You get what you earn, or what you take.

 

In some cases, yes telling someone to lower their standards, is essentially telling them they aren't up to snuff to get what they want. in my personal experiences telling someone they need to lower their standards is most often about bringing them back into reality. I used to know who would only date tall blonde women. He would put up with all kinds of other flaws as long as she was tall and blonde. All his standards got him, was a bunch of crappy relationships. He is now happily married to a redhead is who is nicer, smarter, and more beautiful than any of the blonde women he dated. He "lowered his standards" when a mutal female freind walked up to him literally bitc* slapped him and said it's just a color, and a few other choice words.