Techniques for Picking Up Girls Seems Counterproductive

[joystickd]

Well isn't identifying with them part of why I date them? Yes, I date them because they're in my "league" but also because I get them and they get me.

I have never believed in leagues when it came to dating. If someone likes you they like you and its that simple. I can understand dating someone you identify with. I don't date my own race and part of the reason is I don't identify on some levels with the women in my area that are of the same race as me. Things I like are foreign to them.

[johan]

It's written all over the place because it works. Whether the women here (or anywhere) want to believe it or admit to it is irrelevent.

 

It works on guys, too. People respond to that. But when you say "it works", you just mean the bit of emotional manipulation catches their attention and holds it for a while. It doesn't mean they like you more as a person. It just means you know there is a nerve in many people you can activate, kind of like if you were testing their reflexes by tapping their knee.

 

That's not a bad analogy. These guys who rely on that as a tactic would probably also believe that the kick reflex in the knee is as sign that the person is trying to get up and dance.

 

I might actually try to manipulate someone like that if I had nothing else I thought was going to interest them. And I guess that's the bottom line. Guys (and girls) will resort to this when they don't have confidence in themselves. I think it's a bad idea though, because you're going to have the most "success" with people who are feeling as bad about themselves as you feel about yourself. Not what I'd call a match made in heaven.

 

The girl I'm seeing has never played a game. She has never once not done something she said she would do. She has always been available and never tried to hide her feelings out of fear. And I've been the same way with her. I'd feel ashamed if I tried to manipulate her. Neither of us has 100% confidence, but neither of us ever had to be strategic to keep the other interested. We've actually liked each other from the very beginning. If it doesn't work out, I don't think I'll come away from it regretting not jerking her around more.

Edited August 25, 2012 by johan

[fortyninethousand322]

I might actually try to manipulate someone like that if I had nothing else I thought was going to interest them. And I guess that's the bottom line. Guys (and girls) will resort to this when they don't have confidence in themselves. I think it's a bad idea though, because you're going to have the most "success" with people who are feeling as bad about themselves as you feel about yourself. Not what I'd call a match made in heaven.

 

This is the truth. But, to be honest, there's nothing wrong about not being a confident person and not having anything else that would interest someone. Those types of people need love too.

[StillReigning]

You guys are reading the old school methods for PUA. That's all nonsense nowadays

 

 

PUA is all about the "natural" game nowadays where they attempt to teach guys to be confident and charismatic so they can be themselves and naturally have a gravitating personality

[joystickd]

You guys are reading the old school methods for PUA. That's all nonsense nowadays

 

 

PUA is all about the "natural" game nowadays where they attempt to teach guys to be confident and charismatic so they can be themselves and naturally have a gravitating personality

This is why things like Mystery method and speed seduction will be nonexistent soon

[StillReigning]

 

Men know from experience that being an open-book, sensitive, genuine, upfront and too transparent early on will make you as enticing as a troll with down syndrome...

 

 

BTW this has nothing to do with "game". It's just basic psychology

 

 

Women don't want a guy that just falls crazy in love with her on the second date because it's just not natural. The only guys who fall in love with a chick on the second date are extremely needy/insecure guys who desperately want somebody to validate their existence. This is true for both genders and equally a turn off for both genders. People want the dating process to be natural where there is a real challenge and somebody is not just falling for you because they desperately need somebody

[johan]

This is the truth. But, to be honest, there's nothing wrong about not being a confident person and not having anything else that would interest someone. Those types of people need love too.

 

I agree. People always talk about confidence like it's a blessing given to some and not others. And lack of confidence as if it's a lifetime curse. Neither is true. Confidence comes and goes for everyone. We've all had our down times. But you know you're strong when in down times you can resist the urge to resort to cheap tactics that don't really lead to much good, even if it gets someone into your bed.

 

The goal is to find respectable people who you can treat with respect and who will give it back when you do. Let everyone else play their zero-sum games and think they are winning.

[Anela]

I might actually try to manipulate someone like that if I had nothing else I thought was going to interest them. And I guess that's the bottom line. Guys (and girls) will resort to this when they don't have confidence in themselves. I think it's a bad idea though, because you're going to have the most "success" with people who are feeling as bad about themselves as you feel about yourself. Not what I'd call a match made in heaven.

 

I don't see the point in even doing that, though. At some point, they're going to have to deal with who you really are, the good and the bad, if they stick around long enough.

 

*edit. Oh, we're talking about PUA. I forgot about that, with the talk of relationships.

[johan]

I don't see the point in even doing that, though. At some point, they're going to have to deal with who you really are, the good and the bad, if they stick around long enough.

 

I know. But you can always hand out a little abuse and tweak their insecurities so they'll forget that they don't really like you that much for a while. The theory is that you can do this indefinitely and so keep someone around until you want to move on.

 

But like I said, confidence comes and goes. What you hope won't happen is that they will gain confidence in themselves for some reason while you're together and become impervious to your tricks. And then move on. That would not only make you feel like the loser, but would intensify your own insecurities. You'd have to face the fact that they never did really like you.

[ptp]

What I see is there is a huge difference in what people consider PUA materials.

 

If the choice is being alone or reading something to help you get a girl, I say do anything that helps your chances.

 

"All's fair in Love and War"

 

There is no need to make moral judgments like some people are.

[fortyninethousand322]

What I see is there is a huge difference in what people consider PUA materials.

 

If the choice is being alone or reading something to help you get a girl, I say do anything that helps your chances.

 

"All's fair in Love and War"

 

There is no need to make moral judgments like some people are.

 

I don't think anyone is making moral judgements, merely they're saying that if you're playing a game it's bound to catch up to you at some point and game playing is just demonstrating that you don't feel you have any intrinsic value. Hence why you're playing a game.

 

For me that's totally true. I don't feel like I have anything of value to offer so yes I do have to play a game. The open and honest way didn't work for me and likely never will.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

[ptp]

I don't think anyone is making moral judgements, merely they're saying that if you're playing a game it's bound to catch up to you at some point and game playing is just demonstrating that you don't feel you have any intrinsic value. Hence why you're playing a game.

 

For me that's totally true. I don't feel like I have anything of value to offer so yes I do have to play a game. The open and honest way didn't work for me and likely never will.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

 

I have yet to meet 1 person whose relationship doesn't consist of at least some minor form of manipulation. Even in successful relationships people tell white lies to manipulate their partner.

 

If you are getting dressed up to go out and your girl asks you "Do I a look fat in these jeans", you better know the right thing to say if you want to have a pleasant evening.

[mortensorchid]

Hmm, that's a hard one to comment on. But, I do think it's best that you (and the other party) keep as busy as possible doing other things in the beginning, because you both have lives outside of each other. And even if you never see or talk to each other again, you will not have sacrificed one thing for another. It's all about compromise.

[SJC2008]

PUA is basically "dating rules" that are over the top and with a bunch of pointless filler IMO. Remember they are SELLING something and these guys aren't just going to buy a book or DVD for x dollars that a handfull of bulet points cover. Which is basically be yourself, don't be a stage 5 clinger, don't put her on a pedestal etc, and don't spill your guts too soon.

[Els]

It does not work on me, but the puppy-dog flat-out mindless pursuing by sending 2836489236978 texts a day doesn't work either. If 'PUA' techniques serve to teach men not to do that at the very least, then they are probably a good thing. What did work - in my bf's case, at least - was him getting to know me and what made me tick, tailoring his approach to that and pursuing me accordingly. Subtly, not by overdone clinginess, but unmistakably. No games or emotional manipulation.

 

That being said, I can't speak for the majority of women. If the guys who are such ardent defenders of such tactics have found success in them, and are happy with the sort of women who respond to them, my thought is - great for them! If they aren't, well, time to reevaluate. If they aren't getting success AND they insist that their tactic must be correct and anyone else who says otherwise is talking out their ass, well, sucks to be them - I have no sympathy for such ilk.

Edited August 25, 2012 by Elswyth

[Ninjainpajamas]

I guess it just seems counter-productive to me because it doesn't work on me, and I find it very unappealing. I love guys who are genuine and upfront. I'd much rather a guy come on strongly than be "mysterious." I hate player douchebags with a passion, and I sneer at their games probably just as much, if not more, than the "nice guys."

 

I feel like these dating tips are counter-intuitive because, well, don't men want to date women like me? Women who like introverts, who aren't turned off by genuine affection, who hate the Player's Game? By adopting these tactics, sure, they might get a girl or a girlfriend, but it would be someone who is attracted to a fake personality... If you ever drop the aloof facade too fast, it all falls apart.

 

Isn't it better to just be confident in yourself, and find someone who likes that?

 

There are rules to the psychological game, and the reason I say game because just like any sport there are rules to adhere by...the "players" objective is to follow the rules while at the same time be genuine to himself....you can't do somethings out of those rules and parameters, however some can which makes that person a superior "player". And those "rules and parameters" are determined through a feeling out process rather than hard-lined and easy to interpret.

 

And women think that they don't expect this but they do, women have an inability to put themselves in the mans shoes, which is why It looks frustrating from your point of view...which is why some men listen to what women say and try to follow what they're saying as a guideline then mysteriously end up getting burned and having no success with women...and there's a reason for that, women oversimplify the process but when they think about it they realize they are hypocritical in many ways...

 

- Well I want a nice, genuine guy....but If he's too easy and nice then it's a complete turn off

 

- I want a guy who is completely open and genuine...but If he acts that way then he comes off desperate and clingy and i don't want that either

 

- I want a guy who's ready and available for a relationship, but If he offers that too willingly then It's just a turn-off because there's no challenge to that and he's just looking for a girlfriend

 

- I want a guy who is sensitive and expresses his feeling...but If he does this too much then he's not enough of a man and I want someone to lean on for strength

 

- I don't mind being aggressive and assertive with a man but If I act that way then he just remains passive and doesn't take over then I'm going to get frustrated and annoyed because i put myself out there even though I supposedly don't mind doing the work, ultimately I don't want to wear the pants and expect him to become a more assertive guy even If he wasn't taught he needed to be that way in the beginning.

 

Above is the real world...and I can assure you that you have the same kind of dynamic and expectations with men that you don't even see or realize.

 

Women think they want transparency but when men do they're always the "wrong guy"...If that same guy were to adhere to the rules, act not so interested and open with his emotions that you are dating chances are you'd make completely different assumptions and be interested...to the EXACT SAME GUY. He just reacted and did things differently, what failed him with the last girl suddenly works now. This is why confidence works, it means not putting your eggs in one basket, learning to not become too emotionally invested too quickly and paying attention to the dynamic and reciprocating gestures from their partner.

 

Men and women do this to protect themselves and not appear as available/interested as they really are...however some people do this same tactic when they are emotionally unavailable so you have to read between the lines and pay attention. Some men don't finish the games, they try and swoon you over with things you want to hear and never ease off the BS as they are getting to the emotional phase...these guys are what you would call the "player" type, not so much players to me but in general terms yes.

 

Men transition otherwise out of the "game" phase and will become more genuine and open, once they feel accepted and more relaxed, which means emotional investment from the woman as to not be so easily written off or judged.

[iris219]

I see men on here who don’t understand that creating attraction isn’t a game. When there’s mutual attraction, things are easy. You don’t have to DO anything. It just happens. Unfortunately, these guys haven’t experienced this, so they believe there is some trick to getting a girl to like them. They believe if they act a certain way, say a certain thing, treat her a certain way, she will magically begin to like him, when that’s not true at all.

 

Getting reciprocity from a woman isn’t like playing a video game. There’s no set of instructions. If you press the A and B button together, nothing is guaranteed to happen (Is there still an A and B button? Was there ever?). You don’t have to do any strange, choreographed mating dance when someone is attracted to you.

 

Sure, you could mess up the attraction by being super weird, but if the attraction isn’t there, behaving in ways you read about on a website aren’t going to be successful.

 

Men know from experience that being an open-book, sensitive, genuine, upfront and too transparent early on will make you as enticing as a troll with down syndrome..you're more likely to be pitied and felt sorry for then ever get a girls number or come off attractive, It just never works out that way unless you attain other qualities that counter-balance that as well.

 

And men notice when they look around the guys being the biggest douchebags are getting all the girls. But mostly the guys are good looking, the girls are twirling their hair over it and he's able to get away with it because the women are interested/attracted. And that's why you see the nice guys get up in arms over the poor treatment these guys give versus guys who treat women too nicely and with too much respect to the point of devaluing themselves...but they don't see it that way because they don't have the confidence or looks to achieve the level that those guys easily can...or just half way.

 

Being vulnerable and completely open emotionally will get you killed.

 

I fell in love with the ex I had the most serious relationship with because he was so warm and genuine, and I loved that about him. He was emotionally open from the first time we met and I’ve wanted to meet a man like this ever since, but it’s been difficult. Emotional openness is one of the most important traits a man can have; I appreciate and respect this. Being emotionally open takes me from uncertainty about how I feel to falling for the guy.

 

On a side note, women end up with douchebags because, contrary to popular belief, most women don’t have a lot options. Sometimes it comes down to date a jerk or be alone, and most women want a relationship.

[udolipixie]

These tactics don't work on me.

 

These tactics do work for me as many gals I've taught them to have found PUA works on guys.

 

I like these emotional manipulation tactics from men's dating advice it's been a source of entertainment and amusement for me whether it's publicly humilating guys who use them when they approach me, using them on a guy out of boredom, or teaching gals how to use them to get what they want from a guy without having sex with him.

[fortyninethousand322]

I see men on here who don’t understand that creating attraction isn’t a game. When there’s mutual attraction, things are easy. You don’t have to DO anything. It just happens. Unfortunately, these guys haven’t experienced this, so they believe there is some trick to getting a girl to like them. They believe if they act a certain way, say a certain thing, treat her a certain way, she will magically begin to like him, when that’s not true at all.

 

That's the problem. There are a lot of guys (myself included) that cannot ever find "mutual attraction". When that happens, you have to find a performance enhancer and play games to build attraction.

 

 

On a side note, women end up with douchebags because, contrary to popular belief, most women don’t have a lot options. Sometimes it comes down to date a jerk or be alone, and most women want a relationship.

 

That might happen sometimes, but when it's happening perpetually (like a woman almost always dates a d-bag) it's because there's some kind of subconscious attraction going on towards that type of man.

 

I would never criticize a woman in that regard. Everyone has preferences some even prefer jerks.

[fortyninethousand322]

These tactics don't work on me.

 

These tactics do work for me as many gals I've taught them to have found PUA works on guys.

 

I like these emotional manipulation tactics from men's dating advice it's been a source of entertainment and amusement for me whether it's publicly humilating guys who use them when they approach me, using them on a guy out of boredom, or teaching gals how to use them to get what they want from a guy without having sex with him.

 

I like how you think. I wish there were more people out there like you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I fell in love with the ex I had the most serious relationship with because he was so warm and genuine, and I loved that about him. He was emotionally open from the first time we met and I’ve wanted to meet a man like this ever since, but it’s been difficult. Emotional openness is one of the most important traits a man can have; I appreciate and respect this. Being emotionally open takes me from uncertainty about how I feel to falling for the guy.

 

On a side note, women end up with douchebags because, contrary to popular belief, most women don’t have a lot options. Sometimes it comes down to date a jerk or be alone, and most women want a relationship.

 

I always love how women speak for men because of one relationship, a few guys, or what her friend or husband said like it has any bearing out what is practical in the real world...I'm sure you'd give a man horrible dating advice, although good willed and intentions but you just don't really get it.

 

You have no idea what your ex was thinking or doing when he met you...do you think a man has to come off cold and distant in the beginning? of course not, he can be himself, he can be open and genuine but he has to retain a balance...and once a level of trust and interest has developed the man is much more at ease and confident in himself. It's easy for either gender to feel insecure in the beginning stages. However did you ever think how many times his attitude and ways didn't work with other women? do you know how many times he's been rejected by women? Do you think you are the majority of women so that men should strike out 99 times to succeed once with someone similar to you? How do you even know if you're the kind of women these men desire?

 

I'm an extremely expressive and open man to a degree at least If you read any of my posts, and pretty direct and cut right through to the point..do you think i have to play some kind of game and minimize that in the dating world? of course not but you still have to incorporate some know how.

 

Do you think a man can just walk around a bar or public setting being open and expressive and it'll automatically score him quick points with every woman he talks to? If he fails it's just because of attraction or lack of chemistry to you? I've seen good guys strike out a lot when they just didn't know what they were doing, unless the woman was extremely interested/drunk or didn't have a lot of options would she be so inclined as to ignore his misteps or mishaps by saying and doing the wrong things.

 

If every nice and genuine guy is so appealing to women then why aren't they the ones having success in the dating world? and what i mean by success is actually attracting women and getting dates...and why do you think the jerks are getting most of the dates? are they nicer? more respectful? more interesting?

 

If you're part of the group that doesn't attract men then I can understand how all this is just nonsense to you. But any desirable woman I've approached and spoken with usually has pretty high or above average expectations...she's not just simply looking for a guy who is nice and genuine...IF that's your list then good for you but telling other men that they should remain this why and then they come back empty handed trying to institute your advice based on your ex would be unrealistic and likely disasturous.

 

I am absolutely without a doubt confident that the same exact guy would be much more successful with women and dating than the guy who knew nothing about the dynamic and psychology of women and what actually in practice works, even if they were clones of each other. Luckily as a woman you never have to worry about this, you can simply be yourselves and men are obligated to be assertive and understanding of you as we are the hunters...however put women in a mans shoes for one night at a bar or club, and most at the end of the night would be piss drunk and about to slit their wrist from the rejection, snears from ladies, and absolute shunning and disrespect that many women do to just nice ole genuine guys looking to talk.

 

Women are with douchebags because the majority of women are insecure and don't know what how to demand or institute any self respect. They don't know how they should be treated and what they should and should not expect. Many are nurturing, supportive and forgiving...especially when they're with a man who they THINK have all the right qualities...only after being abused, manipulated and taken advantage of do they start to see through their own illusions. And some never learn because they remain insecure, vulnerable and needy to put themselves in a position to demand more...they'd rather have a jerk in their lives because they believe this is as good as it gets for them and emotionally this is where their heart is.

 

I'm standing up for the good/nice guys in this one because I know they are harshly judged and why they feel the way they do, women oversimplify the process with so many things they don't understand because they'd never have to be the average guy and deal with what really is rejection and no attention whatsoever without making a real effort to gain, in which many fail regardless of what they try and do..unfortunately they're trying to grasp concepts they don't have experience or knowledge of which is why there is not results in their efforts, they don't know how to apply it.

[RedRobin]

Reading advice columns is kind of a hobby of mine, and over the last year I've been reading advice columns geared more towards men, just out of curiosity about how the "other side" lives. These columns are things like Dr. Nerdlove, Doc Love, and a smattering of PUA sites.

 

Most of the advice given by these guy-centric columns include a lot of emotional manipulation. This isn't necessarily surprising, since dating is a social dance, and wanting your partner to have high social intelligence is pretty common.

 

What surprises me is the type of emotional manipulation. A common thread I see among all of the To-Guys advice is the idea that you can't show your hand emotionally. Doc Love says to never tell the girl directly how you feel, show your love through "actions" and keep her guessing. Don't call her, see her only semi-regularly, text sparingly. PUA takes this even a step further; "neg" her, make fun of her, make it clear you are superior to her.

 

Even Dr. NL, who I am a big fan of, has some smatterings of this type of advice.

 

What strikes me, reading all of this, is that this sort of behavior would majorly turn me off a guy. I go absolutely out of my mind with insecurity and despair when I have to pursue a guy. I don't fall in love... I fall in resentment and bitterness.

 

And yet the columns all claim that women love this stuff, no matter what they may claim.

 

So here's my question to the boards: ladies, do these tactics work on/for you, and I'm just kind of a freak-girl? Guys, have these techniques worked or not worked for you?

 

These techniques probably work on people who are drawn to drama and confuse that with 'love'...

 

I'm with you... I don't fall in love... I don't even fall into resentment and bitterness... I just walk away. No anger. No accusations... sometimes I do it with humor and a smile...

 

If I have any resentment and bitterness from the experience... it comes from men who feel the need to lash out at me personally in order to get SOME kind of reaction...

 

Even that I've come to understand is part of the 'game' and the manipulation. So even that fails to get a rise out of me anymore...

 

But it is interesting that people thinks this works... not sure what kind of interaction/relationship they'd even HAVE if/when it does... Not any kind of interaction *I* would want... that's for sure.

 

Edited: I'll admit to being disappointed when a guy I had an interest in turns out to be less than hoped for. But it is a fleeting disappointment... made ever more so fleeting because I'm not sleeping with the guy before he has a chance to show who he is...

Edited August 25, 2012 by RedRobin

[iris219]

I always love how women speak for men because of one relationship, a few guys, or what her friend or husband said like it has any bearing out what is practical in the real world...I'm sure you'd give a man horrible dating advice, although good willed and intentions but you just don't really get it.

 

You have no idea what your ex was thinking or doing when he met you...do you think a man has to come off cold and distant in the beginning? of course not, he can be himself, he can be open and genuine but he has to retain a balance...and once a level of trust and interest has developed the man is much more at ease and confident in himself. It's easy for either gender to feel insecure in the beginning stages. However did you ever think how many times his attitude and ways didn't work with other women? do you know how many times he's been rejected by women? Do you think you are the majority of women so that men should strike out 99 times to succeed once with someone similar to you? How do you even know if you're the kind of women these men desire?

 

I'm an extremely expressive and open man to a degree at least If you read any of my posts, and pretty direct and cut right through to the point..do you think i have to play some kind of game and minimize that in the dating world? of course not but you still have to incorporate some know how.

 

Do you think a man can just walk around a bar or public setting being open and expressive and it'll automatically score him quick points with every woman he talks to? If he fails it's just because of attraction or lack of chemistry to you? I've seen good guys strike out a lot when they just didn't know what they were doing, unless the woman was extremely interested/drunk or didn't have a lot of options would she be so inclined as to ignore his misteps or mishaps by saying and doing the wrong things.

 

If every nice and genuine guy is so appealing to women then why aren't they the ones having success in the dating world? and what i mean by success is actually attracting women and getting dates...and why do you think the jerks are getting most of the dates? are they nicer? more respectful? more interesting?

I get what works for me, and I’m a regular girl, so I don’t imagine that most women are that different from myself.

 

I know what my ex was thinking when we first met because he told. He thought I was cool girl, but he wasn’t interested in dating me. I felt the same way about him. We were in completely different places in our lives. I was young college student; he was 10 years older. He was recently divorced with a child. My ex had just started casually dating a woman his age. I was in the process of removing myself from a LDR that was too hard because of the distance. This man, too, was very earnest and open, from day one, and it was what made me enter into a LDR with him when I otherwise might have passed. I admit, I’m a sucker for sincerity and genuine emotional expression.

 

My ex quickly fell for me, despite not wanting to. I was drawn to my ex because of how honest, open, and expressive he was; I’m more cautious. I need a man to be emotionally open or it’s not going to happen for me. Maybe not every woman is like this, but there’s nothing I respect and appreciate more than a man who’s emotionally transparent. I have no tolerance or patience for a man who isn’t. I’ve tried to be with men who weren’t like this and it was a complete failure for me. I just couldn’t connect with them.

 

My ex is the kind of person who enjoys meeting new people. He isn't thinking about rejection when he has a conversation with a woman because if she doesn't want to date him, he's fine with that. His life does not revolve about getting dates. He moves on and lives his life; he's happy with himself and his life, with or without a partner. He isn't controlled by fear of rejection.

 

Of course I’m not saying every man should tell strange women in bars all his fears and deepest secrets. That would be inappropriate to do with any stranger, and if you're not getting any signals of interest it would be ill-advised. I am saying not holding back and being honest about one’s feeling is the best strategy when you are getting to know someone, or at least with me it is.

 

I don't see nice guys failing while jerks are succeeding. A jerk might be able to get a date or two, but is ditched after that, at least by women who have healthy self-esteem.

[SteveC80]

 

at least by women who have healthy self-esteem.

 

 

Lets be honest half the population off women dont have healthy self esteem

[RedRobin]

I get what works for me, and I’m a regular girl, so I don’t imagine that most women are that different from myself.

 

I know what my ex was thinking when we first met because he told. He thought I was cool girl, but he wasn’t interested in dating me. I felt the same way about him. We were in completely different places in our lives. I was young college student; he was 10 years older. He was recently divorced with a child. My ex had just started casually dating a woman his age. I was in the process of removing myself from a LDR that was too hard because of the distance. This man, too, was very earnest and open, from day one, and it was what made me enter into a LDR with him when I otherwise might have passed. I admit, I’m a sucker for sincerity and genuine emotional expression.

 

My ex quickly fell for me, despite not wanting to. I was drawn to my ex because of how honest, open, and expressive he was; I’m more cautious. I need a man to be emotionally open or it’s not going to happen for me. Maybe not every woman is like this, but there’s nothing I respect and appreciate more than a man who’s emotionally transparent. I have no tolerance or patience for a man who isn’t. I’ve tried to be with men who weren’t like this and it was a complete failure for me. I just couldn’t connect with them.

 

My ex is the kind of person who enjoys meeting new people. He isn't thinking about rejection when he has a conversation with a woman because if she doesn't want to date him, he's fine with that. His life does not revolve about getting dates. He moves on and lives his life; he's happy with himself and his life, with or without a partner. He isn't controlled by fear of rejection.

 

Of course I’m not saying every man should tell strange women in bars all his fears and deepest secrets. That would be inappropriate to do with any stranger, and if you're not getting any signals of interest it would be ill-advised. I am saying not holding back and being honest about one’s feeling is the best strategy when you are getting to know someone, or at least with me it is.

 

I don't see nice guys failing while jerks are succeeding. A jerk might be able to get a date or two, but is ditched after that, at least by women who have healthy self-esteem.

 

Translation...

 

He didn't initially think you'd be interested in him because he was 10 years older.

 

You had other things to take care of... and so didn't fall into the "let's f for awhile and see how things go" trap.

 

Notice he casually dated (aka used) a woman his own age for that (note to ladies... pay attention!!).

 

He pursued you in the way you wanted to be pursued... and it actually involved some effort on his part.

 

Why did you two break up?