AlexfromBoston Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Hey all, I have read through countless stories of heartbreak, torment, and regret on this forum and the general concensus seems to point to NC is the "end all" method to healing, coping, and winning. And while I agree that NC is the best method to move forward and heal, it is definitely NOT the best method to win an ex back. In fact, going NC will, in most cases, ruin your chances of winning your ex back. If you truly want a second chance and believe that your ex is "the one", you are going to need to limit your NC timeframe. Ideally, a week or two of NC is positive...as it provides space and allows your ex to calm her demeanor. That said, if you go beyond a few weeks or even a month, you run the risk of losing your ex for a long time, if not forever. Instead of remaining in NC mode, you should contact her and conduct a quick "check up" call in order to see how things are going and how she is coping. From there you should explain to her that you are feeling much better about the breakup and believe that time apart will work wonders. From this point on you should fall into LC mode. Casually keep in touch maybe 1 or 2 times a week and try to STAY FRIENDS!!! Get friendzoned guys...because realistically, this is the only way you can remain a part of her life at the moment. As you guys occassionally hang out, slowly transition into CC(cold contact) mode and give HER the "friends only" treatment. Be the guy that she fell in love with but make yourself appear un-attainable. Essentially you are going to friendzone her. Providing you weren't a complete A-hole in the relationship(abusive behavior), you should be able to manipulate her stance on your friendship and covertly sway her opinion of you. With a little luck and a whole lot of confidence, you will be viewed as a potential romantic interest once again. But don't jump at the chance...move slow and take the reigns. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I've heard this kind of thinking process before. In fact, a couple of ladies I once dated suggested to me that this was the case as I explained that I was friends with an ex that I ended it with. Both, independently, felt that she wanted to be friends to keep a lifeline in place in case I changed my mind. The ex continued dating others, of course, but by her remaining close to me, being my confidant, support, she was hoping to become emotionally relevant once again... this is what I was told the true motive was... Don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Texas90 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 If she walked out and you didn't cheat or abuse her she can &£#% off if she attempts to reconcile. IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I don't think this works if you're a woman dumped by a man. Link to post Share on other sites
winstonsdreams Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Yeah i don't know man, i dumped my ex girlfriend and really regret it, if i tried this i would probably go nuts, she has a boyfriend and seems pretty happy about it so i think i would rather stay NC and try maintain some sanity. I want her back badly but at what cost? NC is the only thing helping me live right now Being friends with her would honestly kill me. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I don't think this works if you're a woman dumped by a man. It's working for me. I'm not endorsing this for everyone. The ex has to WANT to come back for this to work. But if you really do think you have a shot, I don't believe NC is the best way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 It's working for me. I'm not endorsing this for everyone. The ex has to WANT to come back for this to work. But if you really do think you have a shot, I don't believe NC is the best way to go. Apparently, my ex wants to get back together. I maintained NC for 2-months, but there is the danger that the ex will become disengaged or find someone else if you wait too long to communicate. For me, the 2-months of NC lead her to make first contact. I reciprocated the contact and now, well, we'll see... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Right... because using manipulation tactics to get an ex back will lead to a long and successful relationship... The saying "You reap what you sow" comes to mind. Are peoples' parental figures missing nowadays? Do peoples' parents say its ok, you should take them back after they go date and sleep with other people and you can be there when they are done to clean up their mess. Let me teach you how to be a doormat and lack self love, self respect, dignity, emotional honesty, and the ability to grow and not be reliant on another person for one's happiness and success in life. I do not disagree with second chances but in order for one to work, both parties have to be completely moved on from the previous relationship. Having to post on a forum about your previous relationship means you haven't moved on Edited August 25, 2012 by CptSaveAho Link to post Share on other sites
hopelessromantic29 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Wow! Thank you for this! I was on the fence about responding to an email that my ex sent me Thursday, but I'll definitely respond now! I don't think it has anything to do with being a doormat or lacking self respect, it's about being in love. My ex wasnt abusive physically, verbally, or emotionally, but he sure as hell was indecisive. If it took time apart for him to realize that I'm the one for him, then I'd say it was sure worth it. I'll keep the email short n simple, but I sure don't want him to think the door is closed. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I do not disagree with second chances but in order for one to work, both parties have to be completely moved on from the previous relationship. BINGO, my friend! That's when you have a decent chance of making it happen. I agree completely. So, if this element is not present, then the chances are slim to none. BUT, let's not assume that those of us who are considering or pursuing reconciliation don't know or understand this. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) Right... because using manipulation tactics to get an ex back will lead to a long and successful relationship... The saying "You reap what you sow" comes to mind. Are peoples' parental figures missing nowadays? Do peoples' parents say its ok, you should take them back after they go date and sleep with other people and you can be there when they are done to clean up their mess. Let me teach you how to be a doormat and lack self love, self respect, dignity, emotional honesty, and the ability to grow and not be reliant on another person for one's happiness and success in life. I do not disagree with second chances but in order for one to work, both parties have to be completely moved on from the previous relationship. Having to post on a forum about your previous relationship means you haven't moved on You don't know everyone's situation. As I said earlier, I don't generally condone maintaining a friendship with an ex, and I do believe that a person has to get over the original relationship and the break up in order for a second chance to work out. In my particular situation, it's happened to work out for the best. Neither my ex nor I has been with anyone else since we broke up. Our break up was entirely circumstantial..he lost his job and freaked out about getting married because he was worried that he wouldn't be able to take care of me (not that I asked him to..I have a perfectly good job of my own and a decent enough income..he's just very old fashioned). It's extremely unfair for you to make such a broad judgment. The only people who understand each individual relationship are the people in it. People come on here asking for advice that is specific to their situations, not for broad judgments and criticisms. And yes actually, my mother died when I was fairly young and my father is not in the picture. So thanks for bringing that up. Edited August 25, 2012 by ThatJustHappened 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 (edited) You don't know everyone's situation. As I said earlier, I don't generally condone maintaining a friendship with an ex, and I do believe that a person has to get over the original relationship and the break up in order for a second chance to work out. In my particular situation, it's happened to work out for the best. Neither my ex nor I has been with anyone else since we broke up. Our break up was entirely circumstantial..he lost his job and freaked out about getting married because he was worried that he wouldn't be able to take care of me (not that I asked him to..I have a perfectly good job of my own and a decent enough income..he's just very old fashioned). It's extremely unfair for you to make such a broad judgment. The only people who understand each individual relationship are the people in it. People come on here asking for advice that is specific to their situations, not for broad judgments and criticisms. And yes actually, my mother died when I was fairly young and my father is not in the picture. So thanks for bringing that up. Your ex is just a loser, late 30s afraid of commitment. Yet you still are in contact with him. Gave you the good ole GIGS Speech... "I love you but Im not in love with you" and continues to "STRING" you along. But go ahead, keep talking with him. Throw out logic, reason, sanity, peace, wisdom, understanding, healing, and acceptance because your situation is "different". Maybe one day you will learn (especially from a I love you but not in love with you ex) that everything that comes out of their mouth after the breakup is "Hot Air" Edited August 25, 2012 by CptSaveAho Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 Where did you get that he said he loved me but wasn't in love with me? He never said that. Ever. He lost his job and he broke up with me because he was scared that he wouldn't be able to take care of a family, and he didn't want to drag me down with him. Now he's working again, and feeling better about himself, and therefore feels better about being in a relationship. I'm not just 'in contact' with him..we are dating exclusively. I'm the one who is being cautious about getting back together because I want to make sure it's for real. Link to post Share on other sites
Matt145 Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Hey all, I have read through countless stories of heartbreak, torment, and regret on this forum and the general concensus seems to point to NC is the "end all" method to healing, coping, and winning. And while I agree that NC is the best method to move forward and heal, it is definitely NOT the best method to win an ex back. In fact, going NC will, in most cases, ruin your chances of winning your ex back. If you truly want a second chance and believe that your ex is "the one", you are going to need to limit your NC timeframe. Ideally, a week or two of NC is positive...as it provides space and allows your ex to calm her demeanor. That said, if you go beyond a few weeks or even a month, you run the risk of losing your ex for a long time, if not forever. Instead of remaining in NC mode, you should contact her and conduct a quick "check up" call in order to see how things are going and how she is coping. From there you should explain to her that you are feeling much better about the breakup and believe that time apart will work wonders. From this point on you should fall into LC mode. Casually keep in touch maybe 1 or 2 times a week and try to STAY FRIENDS!!! Get friendzoned guys...because realistically, this is the only way you can remain a part of her life at the moment. As you guys occassionally hang out, slowly transition into CC(cold contact) mode and give HER the "friends only" treatment. Be the guy that she fell in love with but make yourself appear un-attainable. Essentially you are going to friendzone her. Providing you weren't a complete A-hole in the relationship(abusive behavior), you should be able to manipulate her stance on your friendship and covertly sway her opinion of you. With a little luck and a whole lot of confidence, you will be viewed as a potential romantic interest once again. But don't jump at the chance...move slow and take the reigns. To even attempt to think about getting back together with your ex you need to be over them completly in most cases. And 1-2 weeks of NC will not get you over them. So lets say you are not over your ex and you do this method to try and get them back? Your just gambling there is no guarantee they will get back with you. What if they dont want to get back with you after all them weeks of trying and pretending to want to be their " friend " its just going to **** your head up even more and you will be in an even worser position than you was when you got dumped (trust me ive been there TWICE). When your ex says they want to be friends it means they want to be friends and nothing more. If they have you as a friend then they sure as hell dont need you as their partner because they already have you in their life. Like a few people on this thread have already said this will probably only have a chance of working in mutual break ups or something similar, or even the slim slim chance it has of working in a another type of break up it is not worth the risk atall. Just my opinion:) Link to post Share on other sites
JasonRules Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Personally as a man, I think only an utter moron would want to remain friends with a woman who has just dumped him given that the reason he was probably dumped in the first place was because she has set her eyes on another guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The_Face Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Right... because using manipulation tactics to get an ex back will lead to a long and successful relationship... The saying "You reap what you sow" comes to mind. Who said anything about a long and successful relationship? I thought this was a post about how to get your ex back? As in payback's a b****. Edited August 30, 2012 by The_Face Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Hey all, I have read through countless stories of heartbreak, torment, and regret on this forum and the general concensus seems to point to NC is the "end all" method to healing, coping, and winning. And while I agree that NC is the best method to move forward and heal, it is definitely NOT the best method to win an ex back. In fact, going NC will, in most cases, ruin your chances of winning your ex back. If you truly want a second chance and believe that your ex is "the one", you are going to need to limit your NC timeframe. Ideally, a week or two of NC is positive...as it provides space and allows your ex to calm her demeanor. That said, if you go beyond a few weeks or even a month, you run the risk of losing your ex for a long time, if not forever. Instead of remaining in NC mode, you should contact her and conduct a quick "check up" call in order to see how things are going and how she is coping. From there you should explain to her that you are feeling much better about the breakup and believe that time apart will work wonders. From this point on you should fall into LC mode. Casually keep in touch maybe 1 or 2 times a week and try to STAY FRIENDS!!! Get friendzoned guys...because realistically, this is the only way you can remain a part of her life at the moment. As you guys occassionally hang out, slowly transition into CC(cold contact) mode and give HER the "friends only" treatment. Be the guy that she fell in love with but make yourself appear un-attainable. Essentially you are going to friendzone her. Providing you weren't a complete A-hole in the relationship(abusive behavior), you should be able to manipulate her stance on your friendship and covertly sway her opinion of you. With a little luck and a whole lot of confidence, you will be viewed as a potential romantic interest once again. But don't jump at the chance...move slow and take the reigns. once its gone its gone it should not be resurrected only one biblical reference needed in life......thats my honest opinion.....making a relationship come back to life by game playing wont work, relationships arent really a game so conclusion playing with it wont work.........deb Link to post Share on other sites
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