I don't think I'm in love anymore. How can I tell?

[tntwister]

I think I posted this in the wrong forumn the first time....sorry.

 

 

I don't think I'm in love anymore. How can I tell? Post: 1 | Quote:

 

I need advice please. I have been married for four years...I lived with my husband a year before I married him. I was married before him for fifteen years to a mentally abusive man (it took me fifteen years to get up the nerve to leave..I was so scared). I have two children from my previous marriage (who are now almost grown) and my current husband has no children.l Here's my problem. I don't think I'm in love with my husband anymore (if I ever was).

 

It took us three tries to finally get married. What I mean is we set the date three times because every time the wedding date arrived I left...I was too scared to go through with it. Finally, the third time we set it I married him. I honestly believe in my heart that it was because I felt guilty about having left him the other two times.

 

Shortly after I moved in with him I found out he was into porn on the computer. He promised me that since I was with him he would quit visiting those sites ( a lot of it was kiddie porn or she-males WHICH MADE ME SICK). Over the years I have caught him visiting those sites (he would lie about it and then confess). I don't know if he visits them now or not because he has learned how to cover his tracks on the computer. HOW CAN I TELL WHEN HE IS LYING? A few weeks ago I caught him masturbating before he left for work. Yes, I know this is considered normal but it isn't to me when he can't make love to me unless he watches a porn movie (girls that must look like teens). He is always trying to hold my hand (even when sitting on the sofa watching television, he tells me he loves me constantly, and is always trying to kiss me) but this is as far as it goes.

 

All of this has taken it's toll. I can't stand for him to touch me or kiss me now. I would rather be at work than be at home. I can't even stand the sound of his voice. He can only discuss things that doesn't mean crap to me (such as, when is he going to mow the grass....why the garden hasn't done well this year....what he wants for dinner). I know he loves me...I have no doubts about that but I'm not sure I love him and I feel guilty because he has been good to me and my kids. He is a good man...with a good heart.....but he's messed up I think. I have no one to turn to....all of my family lives hundreds of miles away...he is all I have here.

 

I am so miserable but I am scared. I don't trust him when I can't see him......and I get angry when I see him. Help?!

[StartingAgain]

All of this has taken it's toll. I can't stand for him to touch me or kiss me now. I would rather be at work than be at home.

 

I'm sorry to read about your situation. Please understand that what you are feeling is natural. Your husband as repeatedly violated your trust and a woman requires trrust to feel love. Your love is recoverable, but not as long as he is engaged in this behavior, and it will probably take professional help to get the two of you through this.

 

People are going to tell you that your husband has a "porn addiction." There is no such thing. We misuse the word addiction anymore. An addiction is a very specific thing that requires a withdrawal syndrome that causes physical illness. What your husband has is an obssession with pornography. A lot of guys fall into this trap. What I see as the most disturbing aspects of your situation is that he cannot have sex with you without porn and, more disturbingly, he's into kiddie porn. Not only does this indicate possible pedophilia, but it's also highly illeagal, and yes, law enforcement authorities to indeed monitor traffic between private computers and child porn sites. Your husband could go to jail.

 

You have a choice to make. Do you want to remain married to this man and help him get over this problem or do you walk away. If you choose the former, you must insist that he start seeing a pyschotherapist who specializes in male sexual issues. Your family doctor can recommend someone for you. This must be a condtion that you do not back down on. Also, you must insist that the two of you go into marital therapy -- not a marital councelor. The average marriage councelor is not equiped to handle a situation like this.

 

Good luck to you.

[tntwister]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

 

You know I've tried everything to make things better....other than going to a counselor. I lost a lot of weight to make myself smaller for him so he would be interested (I figured that would help since he apparantly wasn't interested in me when I weighed much more). I have went from 180 lbs to 101 lbs (size 14 to size 3). People tell me I look like I'm 24 - 25 years old instead of my real age (much older).....so I know I'm not that bad looking. They do tell me I need to gain weight because I am so small but my husband says NO...that I am just the right size, yet it's not enough to make him interested in me.

 

I am to the point now though that I don't want him to be interested in me. As I said I can't stand the sound of his voice anymore.....I'm just scared. I don't know how to get out of this situation without hurting him (even though he hasn't cared if I was hurt). I've got a good heart....I guess that's my problem and I don't know how to toughen it up. I can't stand the thoughts of anyone being hurt like I have been....in my first or second marriage.

 

I am definitely open to all advice and suggestions to help me get the strength to fix this mess.

[moimeme]

Did you know...

...that pornography consumption can be as mood altering and as addictive as narcotics? (Richard Drake, assistant professor at Brigham Young University College of Nursing) In fact, some studies have indicated that pornography can have the same effect on the brain as cocaine. Images can be permanently "burned" into the memory by epinephrine, a chemical in the brain.

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/pornography_addiction.htm

 

Dr. Schneider states, "It is important to observe that sex can easily fit into any or all of the foregoing categories, making it an extremely powerful mood-altering activity." [9] Thus, although a person does not get "addicted" to pornography per se, they may get hooked on the mood-altering experience facilitated and triggered by the use of pornography.

http://www.contentwatch.com/learn_center/article.php?id=101

 

Now many researchers are moving toward a definition of addiction based more on behavior, and they are starting to look at whether brain activity and biochemistry are affected the same way in "behavioral" addictions as they are by substance abuse. One who endorses this perspective is psychologist Howard Shaffer, who heads the Division on Addictions at Harvard. "I had great difficulty with my own colleagues when I suggested that a lot of addiction is the result of experience ... repetitive, high-emotion, high-frequency experience," he says. But it's become clear that neuroadaptation--that is, changes in neural circuitry that help perpetuate the behavior--occurs even in the absence of drug-taking, he says.

http://www-psych.stanford.edu/~knutson/bk01jnpress.html

 

Sites which offer assistance:

 

http://www.sexhelp.com/internet_screening_test.cfm

 

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Addictions/netaddiction/resources/index.htm

[Samson]

All of this has taken it's toll. I can't stand for him to touch me or kiss me now. I would rather be at work than be at home. I can't even stand the sound of his voice. He can only discuss things that doesn't mean crap to me

 

I'm probably going out on a limb here, but my guess is that you don't love the guy, or even like him.

 

But, he goes to work (albiet, only after masterbating), and apparently provides well for you and YOUR kids (he has

been good to me and my kids.

). I'm to assume these are not his kids? And he's downloaded kiddie porn?

 

Doesn't this seem like a dangerous situation for the kids, let alone a miserable one for yourself?

 

Of course it does. You gotta get out.

 

But make a escape plan with a timeline. It might take more (much more in my experience) time than you like, but you will get a lot of satisfaction knowing that you've taken control, and you're moving toward something better.

[starlight80]

My husband has been obsessed with porn and looking at other women for the entirety of our entire relationship. It was always my biggest insecurity, and he knew it. we were very open about it. he swore to me that time of his life was over. over and over he looked me in the eyes and swore that to me.

 

After more than a year of marriage, i just found out that it's been happening this whole time. it hurts so bad i feel like i am dying. he is all i have. i have hardly any friends. he was my life. how do i forgive him? should i forgive him? i have been hurt so much in my life, and i thought he would be the one not to hurt me. but this is worse than anything i have gone through ever. i am so deeply depressed and feel i can't live without him, but can't take him back either.

 

Why did he need so many things other than me? he swore i was everything, and that he was the prime example of a changed man. HOW could someone i spent every day of my life with for 3 years be doing this? i am a beautiful girl, and he never ever deserved me. everyone knew that, but he convinced me that he would love me more than i've ever been loved before, and would never hurt me.

 

This whole time, he has given me so much love, but hidden such a separate life that he knew would have killed me.

 

Please, i'm looking for any kind of help. i am so broken.