Daughter thanks everyone but me

[Zolie]

It is hard to post complaints about kids (or any loved one) on a forum site because it's hard to share just the right amount of details and complexities of the kids' shortcomings so that people get your point and take your side and don't think you are being petty - but also don't think your kids are rotten to the core…

 

Fine line there.

 

My late 20s daughter is a completely caring and thoughtful person to Everyone. Her family; her friends; friends of friends; her coworkers and subordinates at work. She is even thoughtful to mere acquaintances. (see? that's me trying to show you she is not an ungrateful brat).

 

Everyone but me. She takes me for granted. She doesn't think she needs to show the same consideration to me. I'm just the mom after all. It doesn't even occur to her to shower me with love and attention the way she does everyone else.

 

Here are the two most recent examples:

 

1. She posted on that social networking site (yeah, that one) a Big happy birthday message to her mother in law recently, with lots of hearts and flowers and mushy stuff. The mother in law is a loser (but that's a different post altogether) who showed up late for my daughter's recent wedding (her own son's wedding), and left early. No present, and of course had not helped with any of the wedding costs at all. She was an absent mother to her son growing up, and has had drug problems on and off for years. (oh, yeah, I said that was a different post; moving on)

 

About a month before the mother in law's birthday my daughter called me on the eve of my birthday, to ask me to babysit overnight so she and her fiancé could go on a date. Which meant I would have to wake up and handle the grandkids on my birthday, instead of getting to sleep late and getting to go out to breakfast with my husband.

 

Worse, I could tell my daughter forgot it was my birthday when she called. She totally wasn't thinking about it being the next day. All she was thinking about was going out on a Saturday night. Here comes another defense of her: She doesn't go out often and when she does she is conscientious enough to ask me if I am available/not too tired/ etc when she asks. Consequently, I rarely turn her down when she asks me to babysit. Also, I love spending time with my grandkids.

 

So, I said yes, but I think the slight hesitation in my voice triggered her to remember my birthday, because she called me back a few minutes later and casually asked me what I wanted to do for it. It wasn't so much the forgetting that hurt/annoyed me, it was that she was so thoughtless about it to ask me to babysit so SHE could go out. I didn't show it, though.

 

She also wasn't as enthusiastic in her public happy birthday message to me on fb, as she was for her mother in law. I hate that messages on fb are that defining, but they are. It is what it is.

 

2. Daughter is well established in her career and had money saved, and her father and I do not have savings, so she paid for all of the big expenses for her wedding, which was a large, formal affair. However, I paid for all of the side expenses, all of which added up to a lot, forcing me to sacrifice certain events/purchases of my own because I couldn't afford both. I also personally handmade all of the bouquets and boutonnieres (8 each), AND the incredibly expensive bridal brooch bouquet that took a lot of time. I also made all of the formal centerpieces (14 in all) and the flower girl's dress, all to save my daughter some money.

 

I was Happy to do all of that for my daughter. Totally and completely happy and never once complained. I was completely supportive during the year of planning and throughout the wedding week. I ran my fool head off doing things for the wedding. I also babysat the grandkids for a week after the wedding for their honeymoon. I work full time days and my husband works nights, so this old woman had a hard time caring for a 4 year old and a 1 year old by myself. lol

 

So, you would think that my daughter would have made a sweet speech at the wedding about how much I did for her for the wedding. Or even posted something sweet on fb. Nothing. Nada. Instead, she posts a big heartfelt message to all of her bridesmaids and AND to one of the bridesmaid's mothers for helping her find a cheaper place to buy the wedding cake. All that mother did was give her the name and phone number of a bakery!

 

She also posted a big heartfelt thank you to everyone who traveled from out of town, including to her mother in law - who only lives an hour and a half away for pete's sake! AND she was late to boot! She never even came to any of the showers. Her entire contribution to the wedding was to show up for 4 hours and then leave.

 

And the crowning touch was when my daughter posted the mushy happy birthday message to mother in law a few days later. Still nothing for me for the wedding. No thanks for babysitting during the honeymoon, no thanks for all the handiwork I did, nothing.

 

I didn't do all of it for the kudos from her. But I don't understand why she doesn't think what I did was as worthy of public praise and thanks as everyone else is? I did a LOT!

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Did I do a good job in making you all see my side, but also not making you think my daughter is an ungrateful wretch? lol

[CarrieT]

Have you told her how you feel?

[Zolie]

Have you told her how you feel?

 

Sigh, no. But, it is lame to complain to someone about them not thanking/appreciating you. Especially when the complaint is about fb. I mean, what would I say to her? "Daughter, why didn't you post on fb about how much I did for you for the wedding? And why didn't you toast your parents at the wedding? And why did you post a more enthusiastic happy birthday message to mother in law than you did for me?"

 

It would just make me seem petty and jealous. Which I guess I am.

 

The thing is, though, it's not just the lack of public appreciation that I am upset about. It is the fact that she didn't *think* to publicly acknowledge me. It didn't occur to her. She's not thanked me before for other occasions, but thanked other people on fb. It's like she doesn't think it's necessary to publicly compliment/thank her parents.

 

One of her bridesmaids very often posts loving/appreciation messages to her parents. Since daughter does the same for everyone but us, I HAVE to think she doesn't really appreciate us!

 

Thanks for your reply. I do realize she can't fix it if I don't tell her. But, I won't ever mention this to her. That's why I posted here. I just want her to want to do it on her own.

[CarrieT]

Sigh, no. But, it is lame to complain to someone about them not thanking/appreciating you.

 

Don't approach her as a complaint. Just have a heart-to-heart that you feel hurt by being left out. Try not to sound whiny or petty and jealous. Perhaps blame yourself for not raising her to acknowledge her own mother (although that is a bit passive aggressive).

 

But the longer you leave it and don't say anything to her, the more it is going to fester and get worse.

 

You need to talk to her soon - for your own piece of mind.

[CarrieT]

Sigh, no. But, it is lame to complain to someone about them not thanking/appreciating you.

 

Don't approach her as a complaint. Just have a heart-to-heart that you feel hurt by being left out. Try not to sound whiny or petty and jealous. Perhaps blame yourself for not raising her to acknowledge her own mother (although that is a bit passive aggressive).

 

But the longer you leave it and don't say anything to her, the more it is going to fester and get worse.

 

You need to talk to her soon - for your own piece of mind.

 

But, I won't ever mention this to her.

I think this is a HUGE mistake.

[Zolie]

You need to talk to her soon - for your own piece of mind.

 

Thanks. I guess you are right. It will make things awkward though. She doesn't like to be confronted with any suggestion of her shortcomings. It won't matter how I approach this, she will get defensive.

[Silly_Girl]

You could always say "I hope [M-I-L] appreciates the lovely message you put up for her... It was very sweet!" and see if you can start a conversation.

 

If not, I think you say "It sometimes feels as if you don't appreciate me - does that sound silly to you?" and let her run with it.

 

Either way I don't think you should sit on it

[whichwayisup]

I can see your pain through your words.. It hurts. This is the baby you loved and watched grow up, helped her be the woman she is today.

 

You have a right to tell her that you feel hurt by what she's done, thanking everybody but you, mushing over her M.I.L and also, let her forgetting your birthday and then making it not a big deal. It doesn't have to be a fight or an argument, just an honest talk.

 

Can I ask how close you two were when she was younger (teen years etc, and into early adulthood)? Would you say you have a good relationship, mother/daughter thing going on? If not, what can you both do to make it better?

 

I say, be honest and let her know how you feel inside. I think if she sees how upset and hurt you are by how she's not appreciating you, taking you for granted she'll realize she needs to be more aware and put more effort in.

[Zolie]

Can I ask how close you two were when she was younger (teen years etc, and into early adulthood)? Would you say you have a good relationship, mother/daughter thing going on? If not, what can you both do to make it better?

 

That's a loaded question, lol. I will try to be concise...

 

We had the usual difficult teenage mother/daughter relationship because she was headstrong and wanted to live her life her way. I was willing to allow that, but not at 13, lol. From 13 to 17 were typical difficult teenage years.

 

Then she graduated from h/s a year early, with honors, and moved out just before her 17th birthday. We stopped fighting then, lol. Once that power struggle was gone, we got along very well. Also, she was very self sufficient (wish I could say the same for her brother, sigh). She got two jobs and never asked her dad and me for money. One of the jobs turned into a great career for her, now 10 years later.

 

We became especially close when she got pregnant at age 23 and the father was not in the picture. Her new husband is the father of her 1 year old, and has been part of her life since the 4 year old was an infant.

 

But, if I have to be honest, we are now not as close as we were. Things seemed to change late last year. She started snapping at me for various things. We've had a couple of blow ups. I attributed it to the stress of planning the wedding.

 

Thanks for your response. It has made me think back over the last year. Perhaps she is harboring some resentment toward me. There could be a couple of reasons for that, but explaining those possible reasons would require posting about other stories.

 

That's one thing that is really hard about venting on a forum. There are so many nuances and history and details that are hard to relay in a single thread.

 

But, like you all said, if I don't talk to her about it, I'll never know.

[Zolie]

If not, I think you say "It sometimes feels as if you don't appreciate me - does that sound silly to you?" and let her run with it.

 

I like that idea. Thanks :-)

[Radu]

I'm quite a cynic, just mentioning this before you read down.

 

I think she's taking you for granted, and in your relationship it shows.

She sounds like someone who can network very well, a social butterfly.

That's why she puts so much attention on others, you are there and you have always been there ... it's not like you will say no.

 

She can dump the kids whenever she wants on you, rely on you for anything, etc ...

 

Unfortunately in relationships you train ppl on how to treat you.

 

The defensive part was always there when she was growing up or did it develop when she got the jobs ?

What kind of job does she have ?

[Ninjainpajamas]

i think your daughters exaggerated sense of appreciation If just her way of staying in the good graces of people and liked.

 

Unfortunately she's adapted to being comfortable with the non-existent level of appreciation to you for all that you've done for her..and why haven't you mom! Why have you asked her for some appreciation and acknowledgement?

 

You deserve it, of course you did it because you love her and she's your daughter but she rolled right over you without even mentioning her thanks. She's completely neglecting you in that regard and honestly it seems like your daughter has issues expressing herself.

 

Maybe she even resents you for something that would lead her to treating you so callously?

 

Communication is huge and key here, you've got to sit her down and talk to her about how you've felt, everything you've said here, hell even print this out and just show it to her so she can see how you feel raw and unfiltered.

 

If you don't give her a chance to understand and know how you feel then you can't completely hold it against for her not trying to attempting to make a change. Yes she should have already acknowledged you before this but she seems to have forgotten and gotten used to the luxury of having a supportive mother.

 

You did all that you could to help her with her wedding that was within your means and probably then sum...you did raise this daughter you know with a great career? you don't have to short change yourself so much with that, It's her money and career but without your support she might not have done it, especially getting pregnant during that phase of her life.

 

Also ask her how she feels, why has the relationship grown apart?

 

It's going to take a lot of raw honesty and genuine emotions to come back together, it might be a tough road at first but getting it off your chest will be a definite step in the right direction...If at least to have gotten rid of the anxiety of bottling it all up.

[Zolie]

The defensive part was always there when she was growing up or did it develop when she got the jobs ?

 

Actually, I used the wrong word when I said she would get defensive if I confront her. I should have said "snippy", and maybe mildly critical. Like I said, that's hard to explain without going into a lot of detail, so I won't. Just suffice it to say she is a strong young woman who doesn't mind speaking her mind. I am very thinned skinned and get my feelings hurt easily, so I try not to ruffle anyone's feathers, because I don't want people annoyed at me.

 

What kind of job does she have ?

 

She is in the mortgage/title industry.

 

Thanks for replying.

[Zolie]

i think your daughters exaggerated sense of appreciation If just her way of staying in the good graces of people and liked.

 

Yes, I would say that is fairly accurate. She is very aware and considerate of other people's needs and she likes to make that clear.

 

Unfortunately she's adapted to being comfortable with the non-existent level of appreciation to you for all that you've done for her..and why haven't you mom! Why have you asked her for some appreciation and acknowledgement?

 

Well, in my opinion a person should never have to *ask* another person for thanks and acknowledgement. I would feel like it was forced if I had to ask for it.

 

Also, my complaint is not really about her lack of showing appreciation to me. She does actually say thanks to me in person when I do things for her. It's not as effusive as I have heard her say thanks to other people, but she does say it. I may not have conveyed clearly enough in my first post what I am really most upset about, so I'll try again...

 

My main complaint is more about the fact that she doesn't seem to want to show appreciation or acknowledge me publicly. She thanks everyone else and showers them with love publicly on fb, but not to me. As a matter of fact, here is an example of one she posted today:

 

"Had a great day today visiting old friends at [kid's name] birthday party! And tomorrow is [event] where I will see other awesome friends! I am so thankful for the life I have and the people I have in it. Good night friends♥"

 

Seems innocent enough, right? But, I babysat the 1 year old today when she took the 4 year old to the birthday party. AND I am babysitting tomorrow while she and her husband go to the other event (it's an adult event). So, it would seem that she could have tacked on a simple statement in that fb post about how this great life she has and ability to socialize with friends is because her sweet mom is willing to babysit and is a great grandma to boot!

 

I know that sounds petty, but that is really what it boils down to. AND, to punctuate my point, the bridesmaid I mentioned earlier made a separate post shortly after my daughter did, thanking her mom for doing something for her, and saying what a great mom she is.

 

If my daughter were not the effusive type like her bridesmaid is, I wouldn't think much of her lack of acknowledgment for me on fb. But, when I see her effusiveness for everyone BUT me, I have to wonder why.

 

Another example was when she posted a big love note to her brother and his girlfriend on fb a couple of months ago, and then another one to her aunt (my sister) the same day. She didn't do one for me, even though we all live in the same area. Both her brother and her aunt are very self involved people who *Never* do anything for my daughter, so I can't figure out WHY she does that for them, but not for me! It feels like a snub.

 

This is not just about fb though. At the wedding she was telling her maid of honor's mother how wonderful the maid of honor was during the whole wedding. The moh did do a lot for her, but I did a LOT more and she never mentioned me.

 

Furthermore, she got mad at me at the end of the wedding and snapped at me in front of some people because I didn't do something the way she thought I should have. I was extremely exhausted by that point and I snapped right back at her, in a *very* loud voice. Okay, I yelled. Which of course made me feel like a jerk, and made me cry, thinking she will always remember that her mother yelled at her at the end of her wedding.

 

I thank you all for your responses. It has made me think a lot. I do realize there are some things that I do that annoy her, so maybe she just doesn't feel all that appreciative. I also remembered that I am probably more effusive when thanking/acknowledging other people than I am with my own mother. She's not on fb, but my daughter knows my mom annoys me, so perhaps I have taught her by example to be annoyed with me also.

 

As they say, the sins of the parent... (I'm not all that religious, but this is an apt idiom.)

[Radu]

i think your daughters exaggerated sense of appreciation If just her way of staying in the good graces of people and liked.

 

Unfortunately she's adapted to being comfortable with the non-existent level of appreciation to you for all that you've done for her..and why haven't you mom! Why have you asked her for some appreciation and acknowledgement?

 

I hate to say this but it felt the same way for me as well, reading this thread.

 

That's why i actually asked what her job is, i suspected it was something that meant dealing with lots of ppl, networking, leaving good impressions.

The way you see her acting quite frankly reminds me of someone who sees relationships as 'assets', and i wouldn't be surprised if she formed this way from when she left home and went for a job ... a behaviour both nurtured during her childhood and later expanded by need at her work.

 

Ninja has a good point about talking to her, reaching to her.

[FitChick]

The OP sounds like a doormat and a professional victim. She wants sympathy, "See how hard I work and no one appreciates me." No one likes a martyr. Get down off that cross and grow a pair and your daughter and others will treat you with respect.

 

I speak from experience, having grown up with a mother like this.

[Zolie]

The OP sounds like a doormat and a professional victim. She wants sympathy, "See how hard I work and no one appreciates me." No one likes a martyr. Get down off that cross and grow a pair and your daughter and others will treat you with respect.

 

I speak from experience, having grown up with a mother like this.

 

LOL, you couldn't be more wrong. I am nowhere near being a doormat. LOL if you really knew me that thought wouldn't even enter your mind. I am a lot of things, but not a doormat. The only things I posted that could make you think that way is that I said I did a lot of things for my daughter for her wedding, and I babysit for her a lot. Most mothers DO do a lot for their daughter's weddings, lol. And most grandmothers DO want to babysit so they can visit with their grandchildren. That doesn't make us doormats.

 

As for me being a professional victim, I can't even fathom what about my post made you think this. lol

[Mittens]

I agree with FitChick.

 

So, basically, you are moaning because your daughter does thank you, but it's not effusive enough? You expect your own daughter to kiss your ass?

 

Either do the stuff you do because you want to help....or don't do it. Or like FitChick said, grow some balls and tell your daughter that she doesn't thank you enough.

 

My mother always acts like a martyr, she honestly believes that she has to be thanked for every single little thing she does for her children. And she doesn't actually do **** all.

 

Stupid me, I thought that parents did stuff for their children because that's what being a parent means. I can't stand the ones who keep a mental list of what they've done, and if they have been 'paid back' enough. Talk about reducing what should be a special relationship to a mere business one.

 

I live 17,000 miles away from my mother, because she is just like you.

[turnera]

She takes me for granted.

 

So, I said yes

Well, there you go.

 

You TAUGHT her how to treat you.

 

Why should she treat you differently than what you expect and accept? She probably has no idea you feel slighted.

 

A great book on learning how to say no is The Dance Of Anger. Easy to read. Cheap.

[turnera]

Actually, I used the wrong word when I said she would get defensive if I confront her. I should have said "snippy", and maybe mildly critical.

So what?

 

You're her mother, not her lover. If my DD21 acted snippy with me I'd show her to the door and tell her come back when she can show me some respect.