Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair?

[MissBee]

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

 

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?

When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?

When they call last minute something came up, every week?

When the phone beeps and they move to another room?

When their behavior suddenly changes?

When they start working out or dressing better?

When they have new friends you'll never meet?

When you look in their eyes and they look away?

When it goes on like this for years?

 

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

 

I don't think some people have all those signs, and I think even if they do, some try to give the benefit of the doubt and simply assume the least sinister explanation. I think for many, what happens is that they do realize something is off but they don't assume it's cheating/an affair, and further still, I imagine if some bring it up their spouse gaslights them back into thinking everything is okay or actually cools down the A so that their spouse can go back to not worrying too much.

 

I've never been married but I imagine that when you're dating and it's new, you're probably a lot more observant about every change of mood etc...if you've been living together, have kids, have a life for years and years, I think it's easier to have an affair as so much can simply be passed off as everyday stress and the ups and downs of a LTR versus it immediately raising a huge alarm.

 

Then still, some people are more perceptive, intuitive and willing to listen to their gut than others. Plain and simple. Every relationship I've been in, I've always been able to tell when something was up and I've been cheated on once, as far as I know, and while it hurt and the actual revelation was shocking, I knew something was going on. It was never a case that I was going along happily with NO clue anything was amiss...but again, I can imagine for many they don't simply assume it's cheating, they think it's something else and if you have a spouse who is also trying to hide it, then they probably do things to assure you. For some it's enough and they hope for the best and don't look further, for some, if the feeling is still there then they follow up on it. I imagine less people are completely oblivious...there may be some who are like that and who have a situation that makes it easy not to suspect things, like long distance relationships or where the person travels for work a lot etc...but if it's a regular, live-in, sleep home every night marriage then chances are you're not oblivious but simply assume the best.

[eleanorrigby]

Imagine that you think you have an illness, you are on the net, searching all the symptoms. Every cough, sneeze, pain, points you in a million different directions.

 

 

Is it diabetes?

Is it MLS?

Is is cancer?

 

You start narrowing things down, thinking you may have yourself diagnosed, all the signs seem to fit what everyone is saying on the net.

 

Then you go to the doctor and find out you DO have cancer!!!

Even though you had a suspicion, you didn't know, until you really found out for sure. And knowing for sure is really quite shocking and surprising.

[GLDheart]

Excellent analogy and I agree.

 

No matter how much you may suspect something, it still hits with a ferocious freshness the moment that it is "for real".

[losingmyground]

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair?

 

Because I made vows before god with a man. I did not think an affair was within his character.

 

How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

 

I was working overnight, dealing with a sick father and taking care of two kids while not at work.

 

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?

 

Yes we did all this, but not often enough.

 

When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?

 

Not an issue in our case. All done online, thank god.

 

When they call last minute something came up, every week?

 

Again, did not happen. All of it took place while I was working.

 

When the phone beeps and they move to another room?

 

Didn't happen.

 

When their behavior suddenly changes?

 

Sad to say I did not notice, but I am keeping my eyes peeled.

 

When they start working out or dressing better?

 

Didn't happen again.

 

When they have new friends you'll never meet?

 

Still doesn't apply

 

When you look in their eyes and they look away?

 

See above

 

When it goes on like this for years?

 

Only lasted about a yr.

 

 

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

 

I think that women wear the emotions on the face more than men do. Did he have reason not to trust you? I also think that women have a harder time seperating the emotions from sex. "Most" tend to focus on one man at a time.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

 

When you live with them, share meals and a bed together?

Nothing out of the ordinary

When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?

No $ money spent

When they call last minute something came up, every week?

They worked together, and went out together when I was travelling

When the phone beeps and they move to another room?

Never happened

When their behavior suddenly changes?

Big Flag, but never thought of adultery

When they start working out or dressing better?

She had always worked out and dressed nice; nothing new.

When they have new friends you'll never meet?

I did met her need friends. I just didn't think that she would be screwing one of them

When you look in their eyes and they look away?

Another flag, but didn't think of adultery. I trusted her.

When it goes on like this for years?

3 months or so before she ended it

 

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention. I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt. Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone. Am I missing something?

 

I'm one of those guys that when I got married I believed that my wife would be be faithful, otherwise I would not have married her. Looking back it shocks me because I thought our marriage was doing 100% fine at that time. I'd didn't recognize how vulnerable she was at that time. Silly me, I trusted her and gave her the benefit of the doubt.... and I got burned.

[Spark1111]

I wondered that for a while too, but then I realized that in my case, she really just didn't want to know, even when he sat her down and tried to talk to her about it she just kept cutting him off and saying "we won't talk about that, just stop bringing it up go buy me something pretty"

 

In most cases though, the person hiding things is just REALLY good at it, they are great at crafting stories and have an excuse for everything..and like has been said...they were supposed to be the one person that they could each depend on. You look for excuses for someone you love in your own heart.

 

In many cases the infidelity is a huge shock and it has to hurt to be betrayed like that, especially by someone you love and trusted. I may not understand how it works, and I might be the enemy as far as many people are concerned.. but I try and be mindful of the pain that others are going through. You might get some better responses and thought out responses if you ask some of the BS's that post over on the OW/OM board for their input, I think the opinions from here are going to get you a lot of anger and hurt and none of the answers you are looking for.

 

It hurts EXACTLY the same as when an OW discovers that she was not the ONLY OW in the affair.

[weedsandposies]

I searched for the other thread (signs you missed) to no avail. If anyone remembers it can you post it? I'm interested in reading it.

[Spark1111]

My husband only ever cheated on me when either he or I was away. He never conducted an affair when he was at home in our country, only when he was away on business. I had none of the usual clues that you listed in your opening post.

 

Why was I surprised when I discovered his cheating? Because I know I am special, and I thought he knew it too, and that I wasn't worth gambling to lose... because he always told me how much he loves me, and how much he admires me... because I thought he had 'learned his lesson' from losing his first wife (and child) to divorce when she found out about his cheating (plural).... I THOUGHT he had grown the eff up!

 

I THOUGHT he must love me like I love him and would never dream of cheating on me either!

 

How could I have known that I am interchangeable, that I am worth risking to lose it all, for some OW for a night, or a year?

 

Because I thought he was Honest like me. I thought he had Values, like me. How on earth was I to know what he was up to, in the dark?

 

Don't make this about the BS... it's about the WS, pure and simple.

 

Great posts, all!

 

But this struck a chord within me.

 

I trusted him the same way his OW did.

 

On DDAy, I discovered not only was he stringing her along, he was trawling the waters for her replacement and chatting up old HS girlfriends.

 

I never told her. Doubt he did either.

 

So, they all say I told her about us and she didn't care?

 

Hmmmm...very interesting to me. Because when DDAY, REALLY hit, and I was as enraged as a woman could be, she did start to distance herself from him for a while.

 

My reaction was exactly like a woman scorned and NOT a woman who had been informed of anything previously and did not care.

[Minnie09]

Most are surprised by the affair, because every time they bring it up, ie every time things don't add up and there is a gut feeling, and they decide to actually voice their concerns to their WS, the WS move mountains to convince the BS that they're being unreasonable. If you're suspicious and your WS doesn't take the chance to come clean, you tend to think you're overreacting. Not because you're naive, but because the cheater does everything in his power to not get caught. It's called cowardice and conflict-avoidance. That's all. And because the WS would handle things differently, ie they usually answer questions honestly, they assume that the person closest to them has a similar degree of integrity. Otherwise they would've probably not married them.

[nofool4u]

Why is it that you are surprised upon discovery of the affair? How could you not know your spouse was cheating?

 

Easy, I would watch our kids so my then wife, who was a SAHM, would blow off some steam by going over to her mother's house and have a couple drinks and shoot the bull with them and some of their neighbors that visited them.

 

They usually sat outside and had some drinks and it was like a nonstop block party with a few people over there. And her mom confirmed it and she was usually home at a decent hour.

 

So I thought I was being a good husband and understanding that she needed to unwind after a day a few times a week to simply go over to her mother's house and have a few. Basically her mother covered for her.

 

 

When hundreds of $$$ are unaccounted for every month?

 

Didn't happen

 

When they call last minute something came up, every week?

 

Didn't happen

 

When the phone beeps and they move to another room?

 

That didn't happen either. She was smart enough to tell the guys she was with to not call her. She probably relayed messages through her mother.

 

 

When their behavior suddenly changes?

 

Oh my X was a good actor.

 

 

When they start working out or dressing better?

 

She never worked out. Women have that luxury. They simply need to lose weight, and that she did, but she wasn't really overweight to begin with.

 

When it goes on like this for years?

 

The infidelity can't be that much of a shock... had you been paying attention.

 

Trying to push blame off on the betrayed are you? Trying to insinuate that we are stupid?

 

 

I neither wish to demean nor invalidate your hurt.

 

Well ya just did. Not that there is any hurt left. That was gone years ago when I realized she wasn't worth 2 squirts of p!ss.

 

 

Just fascinated by the stories I read here. If you ask a LT OM/OW their response would be, oh they had to know. It took my husband 3 weeks to figure out something was off and go through my phone.

 

Yet he still doesn't know you cheated? Because you sure aren't going to tell him you did.

 

 

 

Am I missing something?

 

I'd say so, yes.

[nofool4u]

Yep. I trusted mine, too. Like I was supposed to.

 

But then again, I'm an idiot. I didn't realize everybody was a ****ing dougebag liar. My bad. Figured after 19 years with her I might be able to trust and believe what she said. Yep, I'm a dumbass.

 

I think that was the point of this thread. That anyone that doesn't or didn't know was a dumbass.

[Got it]

I think every situation is different and so sometimes there is obvious evidence and other times very little.

 

In my situation, I think that he wanted to be caught. He did little to hide anything including taking calls in front of family and friends, sleeping in the same bed, etc. The piece that I was surprised about was with her having had an affair, one is a little more "savvy" on the signs after you have been to this rodeo just like many a BS' gut tingles much earlier/faster in a second go around. I think there was also a bit of a belief that he was not a sexually desirable individual maybe. Actually he was accused of being gay well prior to being in an affair. They also lived pretty separate lives so there was a lot of wiggle room on both ends for independent lives. A large part he only had a gut feeling about her affair until proof years later with only gut feelings on additional affairs. But he also didn't go out of his way to find out. He isn't sure why other than he didn't think he wanted to know and he wasn't looking to have to make a decision on divorcing then.

[LFH]

It hurts EXACTLY the same as when an OW discovers that she was not the ONLY OW in the affair.

 

You know that was my point. I wasn't being facetious, I was trying to make sure that the OP realized that their post could be considered hurtful. I said it hurts and that they trusted them because they thought they could.

 

I was trying to be nice. Why did you feel it necessary to dig at me?

[woinlove]

You know that was my point. I wasn't being facetious, I was trying to make sure that the OP realized that their post could be considered hurtful. I said it hurts and that they trusted them because they thought they could.

 

I was trying to be nice. Why did you feel it necessary to dig at me?

 

How do you see that as a dig? Your post said you may not understand the BS's hurt on d-day and Spark gave an connection to OW that might be easier to understand.

 

On your reference to the BS just not wanting to know in your case, were you there when he sat her down and you saw her reaction or is this how MM described it to you? I do think MM's perspective on what his W wants to know about his infidelity can often differ from the W's perspective. On such complex topics it is unusual for both to have the same perspective.

 

I'd be very interested in a first hand account from a spouse, a BS who is not a WS, who really didn't want to know and made this clear, but here on LS, I've only seen first hand accounts of the pain of discovery and even when they have suspicions, having those suspicions confirmed seems to be a shock as they were still holding out hope their suspicious were false and there was some other explanation.

Edited August 27, 2012 by woinlove

[LFH]

How do you see that as a dig? Your post said you may not understand the BS's hurt on d-day and Spark gave an connection to OW that might be easier to understand.

 

On your reference to the BS just not wanting to know in your case, were you there when he sat her down and you saw her reaction or is this how MM described it to you? I do think MM's perspective on what his W wants to know about his infidelity can often differ from the W's perspective. On such complex topics it is unusual for both to have the same perspective.

 

I'd be very interested in a first hand account from a spouse, a BS who is not a WS, who really didn't want to know and made this clear, but here on LS, I've only seen first hand accounts of the pain of discovery and even when they have suspicions, having those suspicions confirmed seems to be a shock as they were still holding out hope their suspicious were false and there was some other explanation.

No, but she posts about it in a joking manner on her facebook the same day, after he called me asking for my advice, then yes. Additionally, I take nothing away from him for honesty. I don't withhold sex if he's sleeping with her, I don't pick fights if they have date night. I encourage him to stay married if that's what he wants and I suggested he NOT tell her. Additionally I know someone in their circle who had the entire conversation recounted to them by HER, and it matches nearly word for word.

 

 

As far as "may not understand the pain" doesn't mean I can't empathize with it, that I don't understand that it's felt. It was a stretch to act as if I was looking for it be explained to me.

 

I answer questions. I respond appropriately and I try and be as nice as I can every chance I can. The reason I share my situation is because parts of it are hard as hell and I remember in the beginning when it really sucked and I felt completely alone. I don't ever want someone else to feel that way if telling my story can keep that from happening.

 

I'm sorry if it offends someone else's sensibilities. The fact is there are plenty of people willing to tell everyone that what they are doing is wrong and how they know what they should do. I only try and listen and respond accordingly. You don't need me to tell people they're wrong, that song is strong enough.

[woinlove]

No, but she posts about it in a joking manner on her facebook the same day, after he called me asking for my advice, then yes. Additionally, I take nothing away from him for honesty. I don't withhold sex if he's sleeping with her, I don't pick fights if they have date night. I encourage him to stay married if that's what he wants and I suggested he NOT tell her. Additionally I know someone in their circle who had the entire conversation recounted to them by HER, and it matches nearly word for word.

 

 

As far as "may not understand the pain" doesn't mean I can't empathize with it, that I don't understand that it's felt. It was a stretch to act as if I was looking for it be explained to me.

 

I answer questions. I respond appropriately and I try and be as nice as I can every chance I can. The reason I share my situation is because parts of it are hard as hell and I remember in the beginning when it really sucked and I felt completely alone. I don't ever want someone else to feel that way if telling my story can keep that from happening.

 

I'm sorry if it offends someone else's sensibilities. The fact is there are plenty of people willing to tell everyone that what they are doing is wrong and how they know what they should do. I only try and listen and respond accordingly. You don't need me to tell people they're wrong, that song is strong enough.

 

On the first, I find it even sadder, beyond the fact of being in a secret affair, that you are reading the BW's Facebook and having mutual friends tell you about her private conversations with her H. Is that really the kind of life you want to live?

 

As to not empathizing, since you continue in your affair with her H, I don't see how your empathy can be that significant. In my experience, strong empathy leads to strong desire for action if one's own actions are part of the reason someone is being treated unkindly, disrespectfully, hurtfully, etc. When I was an OW, I had limited empathy. Now that I have more empathy, I don't want to be an OW.

 

But in any case, I didn't see any of what you saw in Spark's post. People read posts, see parts they have an opinion on, and post a response. I don't know what you expect. I don't see the niceness in your posts that you refer to, but they are fine and to the guidelines and are giving your opinion, and I certainly have no problem with them. I have no problem with the responses either.