offer insight

[LostGirl303]

I'm hoping someone out there can give me some perspective on my situation. I know I may be judged for my actions, but I'm at a point now where I just want to do the right thing. Thank you for reading. Sorry if my post is long...

 

A few months ago I met a man and we quickly became friends. After spending some time as platonic friends, he mentioned that he had a girlfriend of many years, that they were in an open relationship, and would plan to marry soon, but that fact would not change anything between us. He still wanted me in his life as a romantic partner. When I met his gf for the first time, it was awkward for me, but she also agreed they were in an open relationship, although she wasn't not seeing anyone else at the time.

 

At first I was taken aback but I appreciated their honesty. I just accepted it as an alternative lifestyle and that was that. I'm single at the moment and I've never been in an open relationship myself. They appeared to comfortable with the idea of adding me in or so I thought looking from the outside in. As he and I continued to hang out we became closer and closer. Flirting led to kissing, kissing led to fooling around. We have not had sex yet. I'm still unsure of how I feel about everything.

 

He recently offered to help invest in me with some work-related things. I thought it would be a great career move on my part because this work was very promising and would help launch my career. We talked about it and he sent over some work stuff, nothing has been set in stone yet, and I've not started anything.

 

I started hanging out and have girl talks with his now fiance as well. Everything seemed fine on the surface and she was excited that I was in their lives. However, something felt off the more we talked about the relationship. Here is where things get rocky...

 

She basically confided in me that they were planning to marry soon, which I already knew. Then she went on to tell me her true feelings, how sad she was. Apparently this isn't the first time he has talked to other girls. They have gotten into fights about the past, about me, about her jealousy. Apparently he is pushing her into having threesomes but she is not comfortable with it. He has expressed that he will not change and she, being kinda passive, feels she just has to accept it or leave. This is the same woman that dropped everything in her life to help him out and she feels that if I am falling for him and vice versa that she will just give up.

 

Loveshack... she doesn't know what to do. She wants me to counsel her. She wants me to be very secretive and not tell him about our conversation because he doesn't take criticism very well. She would rather that I not be involved. If it's not me, it's going to be another girl down the road. I am putting myself in her shoes, and I cannot, in good conscience, continue to do this. I did not know she felt this way and it seems he has been sugarcoating the situation, because I think he knows he would lose me if I knew.

 

I don't know what to say to either of them. It started off as something casual and fun and now it's a royally messed up situation. I've never put myself in this situation before and I feel absolutely horrible. Please, any advice is appreciated.

 

- lostgirl

[woinlove]

I wouldn't be secretive or deceptive and would tell her so. Doesn't sound like either of them is open or honest and you might question whether this is the type of attachment you want in your life. Personally, I would give it a pass.

[KathyM]

I suggest you tell her that she is obviously not comfortable with adding others to their relationship, and so you are going to bow out, and that she would be wise to leave him and find someone who can give her the type of monogamous relationship she wants from a man.

[Leelou]

She seems like a nice decent person, and so do you. The only one here in this triangle that does NOT seem nice is him.

So, do something to help her - cut him off and tell him why. SHE cannot seem to get through to him, and has decided to meekly go along with him, without kicking up a fuss, in the hopes that she still gets to keep him.

 

Since you are not yet fully invested in this guy, why bother getting involved? He presented the situation as okay, but in reality, it is not okay - they have had several fights over it and he seems to get his way.

 

So, lend her a hand, and when you dump him, tell him if you were him, you'd be careful of not losing the g/f. Tell him something seems a bit one-sided with him, without actually betraying her confidential talks to you.

 

At the end of the day, face it, even if you get involved with him, he will STILL go ahead and get married to her and you will never be more than an OW to him.. is that all you wish for?

 

You may as well extricate yourself now while you are still ahead. He seems to be dominant, and able to compartmentalize and have things go all his way.. you will be catered to now initially, but later, after he knows he 'has you' and you are totally in love with him, what will it feel like when he puts you to the side and goes after the NEW OW? You will have NO power over him then, as you can see by his fiance now.

[veryhappy]

Your head and heart are in the right place. It's best to leave him now, before having sex. You don't like things as they are, they will only get worse once you have sex and he gets married.

 

I wouldn't tell him anything about his gf, but I'd tell her to get some counseling and ask herself if she wants to live his lifestyle for the rest of her life. I so wish this guy loses both of you. He must think he's on top of the world.

 

Run! now. And pat yourself on the back for seeing things as they are.

[LostGirl303]

I wouldn't be secretive or deceptive and would tell her so. Doesn't sound like either of them is open or honest and you might question whether this is the type of attachment you want in your life. Personally, I would give it a pass.

 

I have been questioning it for a while. Although he is fun to hang out with, there will be times where he and I will disagree and he has given me ultimatums. So far we have worked through them but this is a BIG one.

 

I suggest you tell her that she is obviously not comfortable with adding others to their relationship, and so you are going to bow out, and that she would be wise to leave him and find someone who can give her the type of monogamous relationship she wants from a man.

 

This sums up what I would like to tell her. But I don't think she will leave him at all - she will do whatever it takes to make HIM happy because he has provided for her, even if his tendencies makes her unhappy. They are getting married soon so she can gain legal residency.

 

She seems like a nice decent person, and so do you. The only one here in this triangle that does NOT seem nice is him.

So, do something to help her - cut him off and tell him why. SHE cannot seem to get through to him, and has decided to meekly go along with him, without kicking up a fuss, in the hopes that she still gets to keep him.

 

Since you are not yet fully invested in this guy, why bother getting involved? He presented the situation as okay, but in reality, it is not okay - they have had several fights over it and he seems to get his way.

 

So, lend her a hand, and when you dump him, tell him if you were him, you'd be careful of not losing the g/f. Tell him something seems a bit one-sided with him, without actually betraying her confidential talks to you.

 

At the end of the day, face it, even if you get involved with him, he will STILL go ahead and get married to her and you will never be more than an OW to him.. is that all you wish for?

 

You may as well extricate yourself now while you are still ahead. He seems to be dominant, and able to compartmentalize and have things go all his way.. you will be catered to now initially, but later, after he knows he 'has you' and you are totally in love with him, what will it feel like when he puts you to the side and goes after the NEW OW? You will have NO power over him then, as you can see by his fiance now.

 

Thank you for saying that. How do I go about telling him without betraying her confidence? She wants me to make up a story about how I'm too busy to spend time with him. He told her that if she couldn't accept a polygamous relationship that she should just leave, and yet she has stayed this whole time.

 

And he has a dominant personality, he's made that very clear. He wants what he wants, and there is nothing that will change that. When he told me he was getting married, I told him that it would change our relationship, and that I wasn't sure I could continue to be a romantic partner. But he dismissed it as not falling into the "status quo" and to not care how others viewed our relationship.

 

Your head and heart are in the right place. It's best to leave him now, before having sex. You don't like things as they are, they will only get worse once you have sex and he gets married.

 

I wouldn't tell him anything about his gf, but I'd tell her to get some counseling and ask herself if she wants to live his lifestyle for the rest of her life. I so wish this guy loses both of you. He must think he's on top of the world.

 

Run! now. And pat yourself on the back for seeing things as they are.

 

Thank you, I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to look back and think, 'I so regret not seeing the red flags'. I feel like I am coming between them, even though this was an issue prior to my involvement. As I stated above, I don't think she will leave him. They plan to marry and she really wants to have kids. I just feel bad because I know that even if I'm not in the picture that he will just find another girl to fill that void eventually.

[alexandria35]

He sounds like an ass and a bully frankly. Too bad women let him get away with it.

 

You can't actually help his gf. She is going to have to come to the realization that no man is worth selling her soul for. Hopefully that will be soon but perhaps it will be years. You can however help yourself. This man doesn't sound like a nice person and I'm not sure why you're attracted to him but if you go ahead and get emotionally involved with him then you will soon find this situation painful as well as I don't think you really want a 3 way relationship either. Eventually you will want him exclusively and then he will tell you to suck it up or leave. He thinks he's clever by telling you that he doesn't want to fall into the status quo and that you shouldn't care about what other people think, but this isn't about what other people think. It's about women getting their hearts broken for the sake of feeding this mans voracious ego. If he wants a poly relationship then the decent thing for him to do would be for him to break it off with his gf, break it off with you and then go online to connect with other people who are already committed to that lifestyle. You can't save his gf but if you keep this up you will be in her position and you will get hurt.

[Leelou]

I have been questioning it for a while. Although he is fun to hang out with, there will be times where he and I will disagree and he has given me ultimatums. So far we have worked through them but this is a BIG one.

Wow, this is a red flag for sure! A man who cannot bear to have 'his' woman (women) disagree with him, so he gives ultimatums, as opposed to rationally working things out by COMPROMISE.

You are headed for worse, if the initial courtship has ultimatums to make things go all HIS way. Why would you be interested in this type of guy? He can ONLY get worse with time, when his 'best behavior' goes away, and you are faced with the real him.

 

 

 

This sums up what I would like to tell her. But I don't think she will leave him at all - she will do whatever it takes to make HIM happy because he has provided for her, even if his tendencies makes her unhappy. They are getting married soon so she can gain legal residency.

She is desperate and completely dependent on him for her future legal status, so that is why she stays with him. She may love him yes, but he doesn't treat her well and he gets away with it because she is forced to choose between him getting his way, or her losing her right to stay in this country. It's quite despicable of him actually.

 

 

Thank you for saying that. How do I go about telling him without betraying her confidence? She wants me to make up a story about how I'm too busy to spend time with him. He told her that if she couldn't accept a polygamous relationship that she should just leave, and yet she has stayed this whole time.

 

And he has a dominant personality, he's made that very clear. He wants what he wants, and there is nothing that will change that. When he told me he was getting married, I told him that it would change our relationship, and that I wasn't sure I could continue to be a romantic partner. But he dismissed it as not falling into the "status quo" and to not care how others viewed our relationship.

You do not need his permission to drop him. While it takes two to make a relationship (not three) it takes only ONE to break a relationship up... in other words, just tell him you have decided you don't like his dominant bullying ways where he issues you with ultimatums instead of compromising and working things out to YOUR satisfaction as well as his own, and tell him you've given it a lot of thought and want your own man, that you do not believe in sharing a man. You tell him this. You do not get him to agree to let you go. You just inform him you're done.

 

 

Thank you, I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to look back and think, 'I so regret not seeing the red flags'. I feel like I am coming between them, even though this was an issue prior to my involvement. As I stated above, I don't think she will leave him. They plan to marry and she really wants to have kids. I just feel bad because I know that even if I'm not in the picture that he will just find another girl to fill that void eventually.

She wont leave him because she needs the legal residency which will take at least five years to establish... so let her pay for it, but why should you?

I highly doubt this guy is that much of a catch that he will have women lining up to be used by him as a secondary women. Just because you happened to be single and fascinated by him and the novelty of the idea, doesn't mean he will have you easily replaced. Just move along and let him get on with his life without you. You can do better than him.

[CarrieT]

This is easy...

 

He is polyamorous and has found a woman who claims to be as well. He is looking for the proverbial "unicorn" which is well-known vernacular in Poly circles: a Third who will fit with the other two and make a complete unit.

 

Every now and then, there are fully Poly couples who truly do want a Third and they work hard together to find that Unicorn.

 

More often than not, it is the man who really wants a Third in the triad and many, many women claim they want the same thing because they are so in love with the man. I can't tell you how many times I've seen it - and been approached myself to be the Third.

 

Some bisexual women are okay with it and some Triads last for a while, but very rarely.

 

The "fiance" is probably self conscious and is trying to please the man - saying she is okay with his proposal of adding a Third. Yet, secretively she is confiding in you in hopes of dissuading you from entering into a relationship with him.

 

Obviously, based on what has already transpired, you should stay away from these people. She is not really Poly AND she is deceiving him by letting him believe that she is okay with it when she is not.

[alexandria35]

This is easy...

 

He is polyamorous and has found a woman who claims to be as well. He is looking for the proverbial "unicorn" which is well-known vernacular in Poly circles: a Third who will fit with the other two and make a complete unit.

 

Every now and then, there are fully Poly couples who truly do want a Third and they work hard together to find that Unicorn.

 

More often than not, it is the man who really wants a Third in the triad and many, many women claim they want the same thing because they are so in love with the man. I can't tell you how many times I've seen it - and been approached myself to be the Third.

 

Some bisexual women are okay with it and some Triads last for a while, but very rarely.

 

The "fiance" is probably self conscious and is trying to please the man - saying she is okay with his proposal of adding a Third. Yet, secretively she is confiding in you in hopes of dissuading you from entering into a relationship with him.

 

Obviously, based on what has already transpired, you should stay away from these people. She is not really Poly AND she is deceiving him by letting him believe that she is okay with it when she is not.

 

Actually by reading the OP's post I get the impression that the guy is fully aware that his fiance is not poly and not okay with it. They have argued about it and he has told her he is not going to change and she can accept or leave. Unfortuanely the woman loves him and she is dependant on him for her residency so she accepts it. He knows it's not okay with her and he's using her vulnerability against her. As the OP said her self, the guy likes to issue ultimatums when he's not getting his own way. I'll bet he's not even really poly in that he probably wouldn't like it if his gf had another partner. He just wants a couple of women hanging on him.

[LostGirl303]

Actually by reading the OP's post I get the impression that the guy is fully aware that his fiance is not poly and not okay with it. They have argued about it and he has told her he is not going to change and she can accept or leave. Unfortuanely the woman loves him and she is dependant on him for her residency so she accepts it. He knows it's not okay with her and he's using her vulnerability against her. As the OP said her self, the guy likes to issue ultimatums when he's not getting his own way. I'll bet he's not even really poly in that he probably wouldn't like it if his gf had another partner. He just wants a couple of women hanging on him.

 

 

Yeah I doubt he would be down if she wanted to pursue another man. But it seems she is trying to rationalize it because she loves him so much.

 

She recently told me it would be OKAY to have threesomes but it would NOT be OKAY for a 3 way relationship, but that she still would want to be friends. So basically, sex is okay. Relationship is not okay. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make sense to me, since there would be some sort of emotional attachment either way.

[alexandria35]

She probably thinks there would be a lot less emotional attachment in a sex only situation. Most men can't handle the thought of their partner having physical intimacy with another man. Men will forgive an emotional affair but actual physical contact is usually a deal breaker for them. Women are the exact opposite. Of course they hate the thought of their man having sex with someone else, but the what really breaks their heart is the the thought of their man loving another woman. It's not surprising or odd to me at all that she would be more okay with 3 way sex than she is with a 3 way relationship.

[LostGirl303]

She probably thinks there would be a lot less emotional attachment in a sex only situation. Most men can't handle the thought of their partner having physical intimacy with another man. Men will forgive an emotional affair but actual physical contact is usually a deal breaker for them. Women are the exact opposite. Of course they hate the thought of their man having sex with someone else, but the what really breaks their heart is the the thought of their man loving another woman. It's not surprising or odd to me at all that she would be more okay with 3 way sex than she is with a 3 way relationship.

 

I think you are right, which would be why she is now proposing that. She mentioned it would be okay if her fiance and I still worked together, but knowing him I think he'd want more than that. I can see myself working with him and the romantic part getting in the way. And to be honest, despite how he may sugarcoat it, I can't see myself as someone else's option either.