can not feel secure

[tracy]

Hello,

 

I need help, I've been dating this wonderful guy for about a year now. I just can't seem to feel secure when he isn't with me. When he goes out with his friends I get a sick feeling in my stomach. He has never done anything for me not to trust him. I can't seem to get out of my mind the thought if he was tempted by pretty woman he'd go for it. I guess I feel all men are like that especially when alcohal is involved. I don't think I'm a person with low self esteem or anything, I do beleive I'm a catch. I just have trouble trusting. What can I do not to feel sick to my stomach. HELP

[Deejette]

It sounds like you have fear of abandonment, which may have come from some childhood experiences, when people you counted on (like mom or dad) could not be there for you. So even though you think you have decent self-esteem, you really need steady reassurance that you will not be ditched for the next attractive woman that comes along and be left all alone.

 

A good counselor can help you work through this problem and is a good idea to consider. The problem with allowing this mental program of fear to go unaddressed is that it can make a person clingy and dependent, which would then create the very situation that you want to avoid, actual abandonment.

 

If your boyfriend realizes you feel this way and tries to accomodate you by not going out and staying by your side, he will eventually resent it and feel like he is in prison. If you tell him about your fears, he may be insulted by your lack of trust, especially since he hadn't done anything to deserve it.

 

There is nothing he can do about this problem, since it comes from inside your own thinking. But there are success ways of changing these destructive mental patterns that can run and ruin our lives.

Hello, I need help, I've been dating this wonderful guy for about a year now. I just can't seem to feel secure when he isn't with me. When he goes out with his friends I get a sick feeling in my stomach. He has never done anything for me not to trust him. I can't seem to get out of my mind the thought if he was tempted by pretty woman he'd go for it. I guess I feel all men are like that especially when alcohal is involved. I don't think I'm a person with low self esteem or anything, I do beleive I'm a catch. I just have trouble trusting. What can I do not to feel sick to my stomach. HELP

[Tony T]

Pepto Bismol or Rolaids are excellent when you are sick to your stomach.

 

You will never have a satisfying relationship with anyone unless you are able to trust. Get some counselling for this problem as soon as you are able.

[Nina]

OK, I'm in the field of psychology but I disagree that this is a terrible problem that must be addressed through counseling (although I am a huge proponent of counseling adn I think most people could benefit from the experience).

 

I empathize with you because I have the same problem and I, myself, have been through pretty extensive counseling. The first step is to try and identify the source of your inability to trust. This may be as simple as a past betrayal in a relationship or it may be complex, like rape or abuse trauma, or a parent who was physically but not emotionally available. My problem stems from a combination of things: rape trauma, molestation trauma, abuse, and a parent who had bipolar mood disorder but who never received treatment.

 

My fiance understands because I explained my past experiences to him. I try conscientiously to not limit him in his personal behavior. Our best tactic is to simply communicate. We talk about what we're doing, who we're with, and when we plan to be home. This gives me a security blanket without smothering him.

 

If he's late, he just calls me to let me know he's ok and when he'll be home (we live together).

 

I think the best tactic is to openly discuss your feelings and fears with him. His verbal assurance can sometimes give temporary relief. And when you start getting that sick feeling, just sit down and write out whatever you're thinking for as long as it takes to feel better. Then, you can do with that whatever youwant. You can trhow the paper away, burn it, eat it (ha ha), or keep it in a journal.

 

It's the most difficult thing at times, I think, to learn to let go and let life happen. I mean, if he is going to cheat, he will and there's nothign you can do to prevent that because only he is responsible for himself. The only thing you can do is relax and trust, and deal with the issue when it is real, rather than a fear in your head.