My Mother...

[snug.bunny]

I love my mother dearily, but she drives me up a wall!!! It is just her personality, and she doesn't mean any harm, but she is so needy!!

 

She always wants to know my business, what I am doing, first calling me in the morning, when I get home from work, wanting to always spend time with me, always interrupting me when I am in the middle of something, it makes me want to rip my hair out!!!!!!

 

It used to be, that when I asked her to "back off" she'd fly off the handle. But, she doesn't do that anymore and will lay off, if/when I say something.

 

Yet, she is still always up my butt and I hate it. Part of the problem, is that she has no friends, no job, no activities that she is involved with. She has several brothers/sisters that live close by, but she only spends time with one of them. I am overseeing and handling her healthcare, groceries, bills/finances, supporting her somewhat financially, etc., she is in her early 60's and while she is not physically disabled, she has psychological restraints. She isn't self reliant, so, I handle 95% of things for her. I drive her if she needs to go somewhere, run errands for her, etc., because she doesn't have a car nor feels comfortable driving and she doesn't feel comfortable taking mass transit (and I'm not sure how safe she would be if she took it anyway). She get's easily confused and panicky.

 

I have to keep drilling it into my head, that this is my mother and you need to appreciate her more, she won't be around forever. I just feel, detached from her emotionally and that I don't want to be close with her, and that makes me sad, and I'm sure, she picks up on that and makes her feel sad too.

Edited August 25, 2012 by snug.bunny

[Leegh]

Your mother sounds very much like my mother. I think they have the "passive dependent" type of personality. I think you're a great daughter doing all the things you do for your mother, but also I think you need more time for yourself. Maybe you could tell her you're taking an exercise class, or some other type of class; just anything that would indicate to her that you're on route to someplace, and she would naturally cut back on the phone calls if she knew you had to be at a class, etc.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like such an overwhelming and draining experience, that just seems like a lot for her to ask and demand from you.

 

Problem is you're the center of her world and she has nothing else going for her, she's relying on you for every emotional and social outlet and it's going to drain you. I feel sorry for you and your mother as well.

 

Try to encourage your mom to participate in some activities or something she can entertain herself with. Get her into a new hobby like sewing or crafts, something to take her mind off of things and occupy her mind. She needs more motivation and seems to have some major psychological issues to deal with. Seems to suffer from anxiety and possible depression.

 

It's a really difficult situation but you've got to think about you as well, don't let her drag you down and make your life miserable.

 

Tell her you've got things to do or are busy then shut off your phone and take a break, she has family nearby in case of an emergency...it looks like you'll need to set some boundaries as I'm sure you've communicated with her and expressed your frustration to not avail.

 

Remind her that you love her and care about her but you need some ME time sometimes. Just try and be clever about it and tell her you have plans. It's going to be difficult and you'll feel guilty but If you resent her and don't take care of yourself you're not going to be emotional available t her and feel good about yourself.

 

Who's worrying and taking care of you and what you need?

[snug.bunny]

Your mother sounds very much like my mother. I think they have the "passive dependent" type of personality. I think you're a great daughter doing all the things you do for your mother, but also I think you need more time for yourself. Maybe you could tell her you're taking an exercise class, or some other type of class; just anything that would indicate to her that you're on route to someplace, and she would naturally cut back on the phone calls if she knew you had to be at a class, etc.

 

So we have similar mothers I see.

 

Thank you! After I wrote this, I thought to myself exactly what you mentioned, except, in reverse. The thing is, I have activities and a life for myself that are separate from her, but it's like I have to plan around her.

 

So the thinking in reverse thing I mentioned is that I would like to find some kind of day or evening activity to get her involved with, which I think will be good for her, and create some healthy space around her dependence on me as well. Now I just have to figure out what, and, how to recommend it to her delicately...If anyone has any suggestions, I am open to them!

[snug.bunny]

Sounds like such an overwhelming and draining experience, that just seems like a lot for her to ask and demand from you.

 

Hi Ninja. Yes, it is overwhelming and draining, no doubt about it. Though to be fair to her, she did not ask nor demand to be in the position she is in.

 

I left out some important details on why we are at, this juncture presently, as it pertains to her psychological restraints, but let's just say that she was not able to take care of herself anymore, the way she had been, and intervention was needed. So while I cringe from time-to-time over certain things, it was most certainly needed.

 

Problem is you're the center of her world and she has nothing else going for her, she's relying on you for every emotional and social outlet and it's going to drain you. I feel sorry for you and your mother as well.

 

Thank you for your empathy. That is exactly right, and how I feel. It's rarely been the opposite (mainly the child going to their parent for emotional support). Although, she is becoming more sympathtic if/when I come to here with certain things, whereas in the past, it was all about her her her and my distress was dismissed.

 

Try to encourage your mom to participate in some activities or something she can entertain herself with. Get her into a new hobby like sewing or crafts, something to take her mind off of things and occupy her mind. She needs more motivation and seems to have some major psychological issues to deal with. Seems to suffer from anxiety and possible depression..

 

That is what I thought about after writing. It's not going to help or change anything to moan about it, and I can't depend on her to change it, but I can encourage her and help with finding some things for her to do. But, yes, you are right about the last part, and it went beyond that...

 

It's a really difficult situation but you've got to think about you as well, don't let her drag you down and make your life miserable.

 

Tell her you've got things to do or are busy then shut off your phone and take a break, she has family nearby in case of an emergency...it looks like you'll need to set some boundaries as I'm sure you've communicated with her and expressed your frustration to not avail.

 

Remind her that you love her and care about her but you need some ME time sometimes. Just try and be clever about it and tell her you have plans. It's going to be difficult and you'll feel guilty but If you resent her and don't take care of yourself you're not going to be emotional available t her and feel good about yourself.

 

Yeah, it's a delicate balance. And frustrating as hell. I've tried telling her that I love her, but that there is only so much I can do for her and I can't be here for her for everything and that I need my own life and that I need her to take some initiative. A perfect example, is her one sister, who is in her 80's. At first, I initiated that my mother spend the weekend with her once a month. It was a battle with my mother getting her to do and she fought me tooth and nail on it. Well, my mom had to go to the hospital for a bit, and when she came out, I didn't ask her to go because I wanted her to have some time for herself when she came out of the hospital.

 

Some time has passed since then, and she has not taken it upon herself to call and arrange to do. So, I have to step in and ask her to do it (or, plan it for her). It's things like that, that I wish she'd just say to herself "my daughter has a lot on her plate, what can I do to help alliviate that" and then she finds things to do to keep herself occupied and things that enrich her life a bit more for herself. Also, her older sister isn't going to be around forever, I'd think she'd want to spend time with her...

 

Who's worrying and taking care of you and what you need?

 

Not my mother. But, she shouldn't really be either, given I'm all grown up now. I mean they say, as you get older, the child becomes the parent. So, what I have is a child in the body of a 60 year old. Eesh-ka-beesh.