William Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 There's been some thread cleanup and the amount of it calls for a Stage Two. Please remain on-topic and address the topic and the thread starter in a civil and respectful manner. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Hello wanting more You have allot going on right now but its just begun. Expect the wife to be calling you again she wants the truth but she is angry and hurt right now. She is trying to get some control back. He has lied to her numerous times, and all this is hard to suck in. He obviously cares what happens to his marriage or he would leave. She has his phone because he let her. She is going to watch every move he makes and hes allowing it because he does not want a divorce. The next move will be exposing the affair which means getting a hold of your man and possibly telling family.The only thing you can do is tell your man before she does. Hope for the best and expect the worse. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I don't get why these men let their wives have their phone, monitor their emails. What is she his mother? Why doesn't he tell her no, you're important to him and hes going to protect you? He's going to talk to you? The day my friends wife found out I was beside myself because I didn't knownwhat they were saying, what they would decide to do, what she knew. Because they value their marriage and family more than they value the OW, regardless of what they "say" to the OW. Actions are clearly speaking louder than words here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Text the BS to call you. Give her this one chance to get straight up honest answers from you and then you want both of them out of your life for good. Then be honest and go NC after. Stay out of this nonsense in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Im pretty sure she'll call or email or text again. I've started my email to her, haven't sent it but started it. I'm just so hurt and mad at him right now. I don't know all he's told her cause I haven't talked to him. Actually don't plan on hearing from him anymore. Unless of course he finds a way to call me and beg not to tell her anything. She did text me she made him go and tell their youngest son about us. I know that was his biggest concern, the kids finding out. I just feel lost right now. So unsure of everything. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Maybe if so many BS's didn't use these threats so much they wouldn't be so oft repeated.... Just as it's claimed that the OW/OMs fall for stupid lines all the time, the WS's do as well, and do so the BS's. I have a GOOD friend who is a BS, normal, rational sane lady, never been a drama queen in her lif. Awesome lady as a matter a fact, she pulled both 1-3 verbatim... Wait for the drama to die down, use the time to figure out what you want, if this is what you still want to do. Remain true to yourself, someone said be kind to her... that's good advice, but protect yourself. I agree that it sounds strange anyone would say these things because they wanted to stay married. But, even if someone does, to use them as an excuse to throw the OW/OM under the bus, is simply that - an excuse. There are laws about parental rights, financial assets in a divorce. On suicide, while such thoughts often crop up in the aftermath of d-day - and it is not uncommon to read here of OW having suicidal thoughts either - often they are along the lines of 'I wish I could die', 'If it weren't for my children, I'd end it', so it may be used as an excuse by MM/MW more often than it is a valid concern. Of course, any hint of it being a valid concern, is a reason for medical help, not an excuse to throw OW/OM under the bus. In this case, it is not clear the idea that the BS is making threats to stay married is of any relevance. I'm not sure what the OP wants, and have asked that question. Since they carried on an A a year after the first d-day, both staying with their current spouse/SO, in the absence of clarification, I would assume they are where they want to be, married and having a secret A, independent of what their spouse/SO wants or would want if they knew the truth. It seems likely MM is behaving in a way to try to maintain what he has chosen for the past 3 years, marriage combined with a secret A. Since this is the 2nd d-day, what he lies has to tell to maintain that has likely increased considerably. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Wanting more, I would wait until contacted by the BS and not ignore her calls, why? well if she is calling and calling, chances are your not responding will p*** her off and she might then contact your partner. TBH, I would in a knee jerk, why should the OW not have some flack type response. I didn't contact the OW's husband as she asked me not to as he was violent, but he found out anyway, so be prepared for that. Better to tell him yourself IMHO. It might be that she decides to send him the texts and emails and that would open a whole can of worms for you, it sounds like you are dealing with the unexpected actions of the MM and I would imagine additional problems are the last thing you want at this time. I wouldn't go into details, it does rub her nose in it and as others have said, it isn't her fault her H is a dickhead. I'll bet she doesn't think you are a bunny boiler, most of us BS aren't stupid and can see through their WS's lies, it's just that in the shock after D day the world goes bat **** and nothing makes sense, some look for excuses as they are just too hurt to think the unthinkable. The OW rang me after D Day and I asked her just three things: Did he say he loved her? - No Did he say he was leaving? - No How long it had been going on - 8 months The rest was not important, maybe if you do speak to her keep it short and not too detailed, anything else might mean she looks for revenge and outs you to your partner before you have a chance to do it yourself. They nearly all try and blame the OW, but most of us BS, suss that out very quickly. Anything you don't want to answer, tell her to ask her husband. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 27, 2012 Author Share Posted August 27, 2012 I have typed an email to get (deleted it, changed things in it, added things in it). I haven't sent it yet. The things I've said in it are concrete facts about how much he was involved. I've left out "sex" things obviously but he will not be able to lie about how involved he was in this A, emotionally and physically. I haven't sent it yet because I'm still so angry at him and I want to be rational when and if I send it. I know she's only reacting to HIS side. I've also got emails I started to him and emails he started to me. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Is what I'm trying to figure out. My SO leaving is going to effect me emotionally because he'll make my life living hell. Financially I'm fine, I pay 90% of the bills, the house is mine. As far as MM giving up his cell I don't know why he didn't say no. I did print some of the emails between us so he's not completely blindsided if she gets copies of them. After the 1st d-day she was convinced he and I had only had sex twice after a company function and there were no "feelings" on his part. The emails now will show lots of "I love you's" from him and the text on his cell will show lots of sexual talks. I don't know what she'll do. I did just get a call from his cell (which I honestly missed but wouldn't have answered anyway) as he told me he wouldn't call without texting me 1st. Wow. After your first post I was concerned for your future. How the heck can a live-in make your life a living hell if YOU have been paying 90% of the bills and the house is yours! If you ask me, you're in pretty good shape girl. I would sit back and enjoy the drama. But a 'SO' has got to go if he hasn't been hardly contributing. 20 yrs of this?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 From MM. Yes my SO has it made here. When I say living hell, be knows I don't love him. Comments on it every now and then, he wishes i could love him again. He and I have had wayyyy to many issues in our 20 years. I don't think he'll go happily even knowing that's what I want. But financially I'll be good. I guess why would SO leave?? Hes Got it made Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 From MM. Yes my SO has it made here. When I say living hell, be knows I don't love him. Comments on it every now and then, he wishes i could love him again. He and I have had wayyyy to many issues in our 20 years. I don't think he'll go happily even knowing that's what I want. But financially I'll be good. I guess why would SO leave?? Hes Got it made Are your children from this SO?? or why do you keep him around?? IMO, you need to clean house, instead of worrying about reactions from - or clues for your MM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 Hes the father of my 3 children Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Hes the father of my 3 children Probably you already mentioned it, and I hadn't read it. sorry. I'm thinking women get into these A's because they have other unresolved problems in their lives. Things they don't want to face, and are using these A's as fantasy to gloss over the real problem. Your SO, IMO is an unresolved problem. Don't worry about what's going on w the MM. I would think about a plan for eventually getting out from under the SO - or trying to make it work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 I was a BS. My ex had multiple OW. Just a heads up. Any emails you send...you can count on them being sent to your SO. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I understand your anger. But please show her some mercy. It is HIM that deserves your wrath not her. But give her the truth. She is not your enemy. The thing is you will both treat each other as enemies because neither of you want to believe 'this' to you. You don't want to believe someone who you love and says loves you could possibly treat you this way. Sadly this is more often than not the dynamic created by the MM. Be ticked off at him and let that help heal you. Answer her questions honestly and do not slant things to hurt her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Text the BS to call you. Give her this one chance to get straight up honest answers from you and then you want both of them out of your life for good. Then be honest and go NC after. Stay out of this nonsense in the future. I agree with this too. Make the time you're in contact with his BS finite. Put a limit on it because you need to heal as much as she does. You don't have to keep yourself open to this for an indefinite period. Just make sure you say what you need to and she's had time to ask you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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