Girlfriend's shocking "cheating" history

[clouded]

Hi there people, I am wondering if anyone can give me some advice to help me deal with some issue's within my relationship.

 

Im 22 with a long term girlfriend now of the same age, we have now been dating for just over a year and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love her deeply and she constantly expresses how she feels the same way. To put my problem bluntly, since the time we have met, my girlfriend has let out some stories of her past that are deeply shocking to me, involving past relationships and sexual encounters.

 

She has told me that she has had one night stands in her past (I am against this but I can deal with it), she has also told me had an affair with a married man (whos roughly 20years older, she was experiencing problems at the time and we have talked over this, I dont think about this issue much anymore) but just recently we came across the topic of "cheating". I expressed how I despise those that do it, I explained to her that I have only ever had 1 previous gf before her and that this girl had cheated on me, which is why we broke up. My gf started to defend the topic saying that sometimes people make mistakes and that people should forgive and forget, she started saying more which eventually lead to her telling me she cheated on one of her past boyfriends.

 

Basically she said she didnt really love this other boyfriend and that one night at a party they both attended, she went into a room with a guy she knew from work that she thought was really good looking and had sex with him - cheating on her boyfriend. She told her boyfriend a few days later thus they broke up.

 

What I need help with is the fact that I am a very moral guy, I have lived a rather innocent life and never had one-night stands, never cheated, only had sex with 1 other gf in my life, and thinking about the things she has done in the past make me feel sick inside. I love this girl so much and we have a brilliant time together, we both feel this is something long term. Lately when I look at her when she tries to be intimate with me I start to feel sick, thinking about how she had cheated on her past bf for a one night stand, had an affair with a married guy.... how can she do these things is beyond me. She claims she has grown up now and that she is a different person. I keep telling myself that, and it helps supress these horrible images and questions in my head, however one thought keeps coming back - although she tells me she is a different person now she NEVER admits what she had done was wrong, she keeps telling me she cheated on her old bf but she didnt really love him but she loves me and would never do that. She also explained she wouldnt date the guy she cheated with, she just wanted to have sex with him because he was good looking. She did all this when she was roughly 18-19years old.

 

What do I do?? How do I stop these thoughts in my head, what do I say, how do I approach this. I tried talking to her about this but she just gets angry with me and claims Im "telling her off for her past" and that things are different now. I can be intimate with her, its just often these thoughts arrise and I feel horrible.

 

Can anyone give me some advice? I want to make this work, I believe I can trust her not to cheat in the future, its only when I have these thoughts that I begin to worry and feel horrible inside.

[supermom]

Let her past be her past and focus on your future together so there is one.

 

That is my suggestion.

 

My H did the same thing and one day I said "please stop analizing our relationship and just enjoy it"

 

He finally did and we got married and had a baby

 

That is my suggestion to you...let it go....do make her regret opening up to you and telling you...cuz that is what it did to me....i wish i wouln't of told him everything right away..

 

Good Luck

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you should give serious thoughts to her actions. Past behavior is generally the best predictor future behavior. Look what you have found out:

 

1) she has had numerous one night stands putting her health at risk.

2) She engaged in an affair with a married man seemingly not caring about the pain she inflicted on the spouse of this married man.

3) She defends the concept of cheating telling you that people should just forgive and forget.

4) She cheated on one of her past boyfriends by going to a party with him and then going into another room with a good looking guy and having sex with this guy because he was good looking while her boyfriend was still at the party.

5) She has no remorse for her previous actions and feels she has done nothing wrong.

 

Your statement that you can trust her not to cheat seems absurd. You sound like a nice moral guy but your girlfriend seems very amoral. The fact that she insists that she cannot see what she did in the past is wrong is a huge red flag.

 

I think it is interesting - her statement that she felt justified to cheat on her boyfriend because she did not love him, but she loves you now, is interesting. Think hard about this statement. My guess is that she told the old boyfriend she loved him while they were in the relationship, which means either she lied throughout the relationship or stopped loving him during the relationship. Therefore, she either can be lying to you right now or in the future if she stops loving you she will be justified in cheating on you.

 

The bottom line is that a moral person like you should not be hooked up with such an amoral person like her. The chances are very good that this relationship will end with great heartache for you. You should be involved with a person who believes in the same values and who honors truth and respect.

 

Your girlfriend based on her previous actions and her refusal to see anything wrong with her previous actions indicates a person who is a very amoral person who does not share your sense of decency and respect.

 

You have picked the wrong person. I wish you luck, because you will need it.

[Fritz]

- although she tells me she is a different person now she NEVER admits what she had done was wrong, she keeps telling me she cheated on her old bf but she didnt really love him but she loves me and would never do that. She also explained she wouldnt date the guy she cheated with, she just wanted to have sex with him because he was good looking. She did all this when she was roughly 18-19years old.

 

I think that is the crux of the matter. She never admits what she had done was wrong and it understandably bothers you. Its a major red flag. She could still be in denial with her past, maybe she needs to grow up more, who knows. Ultimately, I think you'll have to decide if this bothers you too much to continue on in a relationship with her (ie you feel you can't trust her). Also, while the past can be a good indicator of what can happen in the future, people can change and you should really judge her by her actions now more than deeds in the past. Be wary but don't let her past rule your present and thus your possible future. Good luck.

[clouded]

Thanks for the responses, a lot of valid feedback was presented that Im taking into consideration at this current time.

 

The "red flag" analysis of her actions towards not admitting what she did was wrong is deffinately something that concerns me, I can see in her eyes that she has some regrets to her past, especially about the affair, but when I try to edge a response from her regarding the issue of right and wrong she avoids it. I am disgusted by her excuse for cheating on her past bf, and what you mentioned Bryanp about the fact she may simply fall out of love with me and do the same thing is very worrying.

 

The bottom line for this whole ordeal comes down to two things I believe -

1) Can I continue my relationship with her and forgive + forget the things she had done in the past and accept the person she is today, accepting that she has made mistakes

2) Can I trust that deep down she wont have the same tendancies to repeat her past, she makes horrible choices when dealing with problems and conflict and she has been used by men in the past believing that she was just experimenting.

 

Im running with conflict myself due to my beliefs and morals, personally I believe that whilst people do make mistakes, your past is a very good indicator to your behaviour in the future, and the fact that she has done horrible things Multiple times in her past is beginning to eat away at my faith in our relationship in the future. The last thing I want to do is to marry this girl if Im going to be concerned she may cheat on me at some point.

 

Does anyone think I should suggest the two of us talk to a counsellor or psychiatrist, or perhaps just one of us alone?? I can no longer discuss the issue with her personally, it causes too much pain and really gets us nowhere.

 

Thanks again for the responses, I really appreciate them and they have helped.

[Kizzyfur]

Honestly, can anyone really trust anyone else no matter what their PAST?? I mean, just because someone is a "perfect lil angel" in their past doesn't necessarily mean they're not going to do something in their future to change that. And vice versa. Just because your girlfriend had done wrong in her PAST doesn't necessarily mean she'll continue doing it. Maybe she was looking for something and there's a chance she's found it within you. Someone's past doesn't always determine how they'll be the rest of their lives. People do change.

 

If you truly do love her, give her a chance. Don't hold her past against her as this will only keep a block up in your relationship with her. Don't make her regret telling you about anything in her past, it will only cause her to with-hold information about what's going on in the present as well as what she wants for the future. In other words, keep communications open and free from regrets. And don't keep throwing it up in her face either.

 

If it's just too hard for you to forgive her for not possessing the same morals as yourself, let her go.

[moimeme]

Past behavior is generally the best predictor future behavior.

 

Oh not really. People can and do change. Some folks are irresponsible or foolish in their teens and early twenties and then smarten up. Some folks make mistakes even after that but learn from them and grow. It is ridiculous to hold someone's past against them - particularly when they admit to making mistakes.

 

As for not saying she was wrong, somehow I'm getting the feeling that she is very clear on how immoral you think she was and is stung by the accusatory tone. Which is unlikely to make anybody want to 'confess'. She said she made mistakes - by definition, she did things wrong. Or should she write it out a thousand times on the blackboard?

 

I don't agree that she's 'amoral', either. However, you sound very judgemental and nobody needs to have a partner who thinks he's better than her. If you can't respect her, then do her a favour and let her go. People who love each other should respect and admire each other as well and if you are too 'morally upright' to do so, then set her free. Of course, Jesus forgave the thieves and prostitutes.... I guess he was 'amoral' too, right?

[bryanp]

To moimeme:

 

A woman who is in a committed relationship goes to a party with her boyfriend. While her boyfriend is with her at the party she sees a good looking guy and goes into another room and has sex with him because he is good looking while her boyfriend is talking to other people at the same time at the party. If you do not consider this amoral behavior then what would you call it?

[clouded]

I dont believe that she is amoral personally, right now she is a very beautiful person and does everything by the book as I do. Her past is filled with bad choices and bad circumstances, I knew this before I started dating her but I didn't let it bother me, infact I felt I wanted to help her get her life on track.

 

Together we have confronted a lot of issues associated with her past and she is now a much stronger and wiser person. I am not judgemental, if I were I would have judged her from day one and said I dont want to continue anything, I love this girl and would do anything to make her happy. I dont hold her past against her, Im beginning to realise that perhaps she was just irresponsible at 18-19, it was hard for me to believe the things she had done at that age because Ive had to grow up fast and my life was totally different to hers in regards to family, friends and environment. I dont for a second believe I am better than her, but I still dont believe cheating on someone no matter what the circumstances is the right choice to make, it has effected her life in a negetive manner. I guess its hard for some people to come to grasp with the concept, Id find it hard to live with myself after doing something like that personally which is why this effected me so much.

 

 

I havent talked about this past incident with her since she initially told me, I wouldnt want to upset her and as most of you have pointed out I do not want her to regret telling me.

 

Something that may be of interest in this whole analysis was a conversation she initiated last night. We were both sitting on the bed reading and chatting when she asked if I though she was attractive (simple question that I think all girls ask), of course I said yes and assurred her. She then asked me what about if someone like this came up to you in a nightclub, she held up her magazine with a photo of a model in it. This conversation started out playfully but became a little more serious later on. I said Id be too busy looking at her to notice the model and continue dancing with her because I wouldnt be at a club without her. I added after that the model wouldnt attract my attention as she is more attractive to me. She then asked if I wasnt with her at the club would I go home with her, of course I said no way in hell. I said to her I would never do something like that and she has nothing to worry about. She replied "Yes I know, I know you couldnt do something like that and you never would". I told her that she can trust me, and that I can trust her because I know she wouldnt do anything either.

 

After I made this comment she didnt say anything and just looked down at the bed we were sitting on, I quickly changed the subject and said something funny to change the mood. Luckily this worked and we were both laughing a few seconds later.

 

Anyways this doesnt mean much, it just opened my eyes a little, letting me know that everyone must have a little insecurity in them when in a relationship. In the end I shouldnt let her past bother me, mistakes happen, she is a different person now. All I can do is be happy with her and trust she wont make the same mistakes again. I was concerned that she may, as she had made a lot of bad mistakes in the past and continued to do so until meeting me, but thats when I thought about what I was saying to myself - she WAS making bad choices UNTIL she met me. She hasnt made any now and I trust her, my thoughts will just have to die away in time and Im sure they will.

 

If there is anything else that someone wanted to add or comment on my reasoning please do so, Im always willing to hear more feedback. Ask any questions if you feel like, that may help me get over the horrible thoughts that pop up in my mind and re-assure myself of the positive thoughts.

[Triguluous]

I try to live by this value when I meet people.

 

"Do not judge (analyze) someone on there present character, but instead judge them on there entire." Someone is noth who they are now, but who they have been."

 

The red flags are there, you are an intelligent man and well aware of the situation. I have been cheated on 3-4 times, and have cheated once. There is no reason or exchuse for it. I made my choice. No one sleeps with another person by accident, or "I was drunk", or I was not in love with this person. If they are not then why be with them. She thinks forgive + forget, she make think sometime down the road you will do the opposite the last guy did and not break up with her. That you will forgive and forget, these my friend is a key to the door of getting away with alot.

 

I would look real hard at what you want, you are 22, I don't know if you plan on getting married any time within the next few years, but is this a girl you can see yourself settling down with or is this just a girl you are dating for the time being?

 

This is in regards to forgiveness.->

 

Speaking for experiance, I forgave and forgot, but it happened again with the same girl. When you forgive someone, you aren't forgiving there actions, you are forgiving them. But you (whoever) needs to not forgive that person for themselves to feel better, but do for yourself instead, to let go of any anger, sadness, etc.

 

I think forgiveness is often confused with condoning or lack of accountability. This is a world with high performance standards. People think they need to be perfect. Yet people do things -- intended or not -- that hurt others. You may not intend to harm, but the other person is no less hurt. That's when you need to stop at some point and forgive yourself.

[clouded]

Ok in that respect, to anyone out there that has had a partner who cheated on them or has been known to cheat in their past - what have you done in order to 'forgive' them? How do you come to terms with something that they have done and most of all how do you learn to trust them? Do you look for signs of change or just go blindly and hope for the best? I wonder what the statistics are for cheaters to re-offend.

 

Im not going to delve into the psychology of 'why' people cheat, thats something too complicated and has too many opinionated responses from people, its something that happens for different reasons for different people. My gf has cheated before, more than once and in really, really bad ways. Is cheating perhaps a phase that people can grow out of? I dont think so, in saying that she was young and immature back then doesnt give me confidence in her growing out of that frame of mind. Besides, married couples cheat all the time spanning all ranges of age. I am thinking its more a matter of personal needs. I am happy with my life and with my gf, I dont have any desire to be with another woman therefore if the opportunity came along I wouldnt take it. This is not because Im a stronger person or because Im moral, but rather that I feel fulfilled with myself.

 

My gf has had a bad family relationship, very unstable and abusive. She has told me several times before that most of her past relationships were from her need for love and support. I did challenge this, I questioned her how sex with people you didnt love made her feel better but she didnt respond to that well and said I wouldnt know because my life was "perfect" compared to hers. She had the need for attention and affection which may be why she did what she did.

 

Damnit.....but now Im contradicting what Im saying.....she cheated on a boyfriend that was offerring attention and affection already, to sleep with a better looking guy. This is so depressing, you think you start to figure things out and theres always a hitch. She told me that she slept with the stranger only because he was good looking, she had no affection for him at all. She thought this comment would make me feel better, I didnt tell her this but it infact made things worse. At least if she had feelings for this guy there would be some reasoning to her actions, but she had none.

 

The more I think about this damn topic the more it does my head in. She is so lovely to me now, she tries to be a great gf and to be honest I was so shocked to hear all about this mainly because I never thought she could have done such things in the past. If she hadnt done these things in the past Id never be concerned, I wish at times she hadnt told me so that my mind would be at ease. Unfortunately for me I told her right from the beginning I believe its better to know bad news that be left in the dark, which is why she spoke up.

 

A visit to a counsellor is looking all the more favourable right now, I doubt that they will be able to tell me something I already know though. Im hoping some techniques to allow me to deal with the problem.

 

It would be great if people who had cheated in the past could perhaps write in and express how they view their past actions and how they have changed (or if they have) to help me? I am trying to get a perspective from her eyes as I believe I need to in order to come to grips with the issues involved.

[Adunaphel]

Hi,

my thoughts on the subject.

 

1) You don't have to 'forgive' her. She didn't do anything to *you*, at least not yet.

What she did to her ex boyfriend is not something that you have to forgive.

She has nothing to be forgiven of from *you*.

 

2) I don't see anythintg wrong in having one-night-stands when you are single. If she has been tested for STDs, you should forget the whole matter.

If you acted judgemental towards her for this, the best thing to do would apologize.

 

3) I see big red flags, like other posters do.

[Adunaphel]

I hit the 'reply' button by mistake, sorry

 

If she had said that her cheating on her past boyfriend was wrong, and sounded sorry about it, I'd advise you to stop bringing up her past and trust her...people *can* do mistakes. But I find that the fatc that she justifies what she did, that she does not sound sorry about it, that she said that people should 'forgive and foget'in relationships, even her showing you the magazine and asking if you would not cheat if you met that model in a pub *extremely* worrying.

She sounds like someone who will probably cheat on you. They sound like the words of a cheater.

Perhaps you should apologize for having judged her in a bad way, and then -trying not to get upset while doing this- explain her that her words worried you.

See her reaction.

This way you might perhaps be able to tell if she 'defended'her actions only because she was hurt -as moimeme suggested- or if she was informing you that she *might* cheat on you too the day she is feeling unloved (or the day she is feeling bored, the day she is upset at you, the day you forget to call her or buy her a birthday present she does not like) and she meets a good-looking guy.

[Smoov]

You say that she cannot see anything wrong with what she's done in her past and does not show remorse for her actions. What makes you think that you're any different to all the other poor guys she's cheated on ? Because she says she loves you ?

 

Perhaps you should observe whether or not her actions reflect her words.

 

If she thinks there is nothing wrong with cheating with the men she has cheated on, then she more than likely won't be able to see the problem with cheating on you

 

People change, but only when they can see the faults of their actions. Until such time, i doubt you are different to any other guy she has cheated on.

[Shasta]

She did NOTHING to you. It was in her past. She can't go back and change what happened just because you don't like her actions. If you feel like you can't let go of what she did in her past, then you shouldn't be with her. She doesn't need someone reminding them all the time that they screwed up. I think from what you posted, she knows she was wrong in her actions, and has since made a turn around. You either need to accept that it is in the past and move on and not pester her about her actions, or you need to break up with her. No one is perfect.

[Debster]

This is in her past - so there is nothing she can do to change it.

I understand why her past would make you uneasy, it would make me uneasy as well. However, the part that jumped out at me is her excuses and rationalizing her behaviour. To me, it meant she hasn't learned from her past.

 

At 22, most people aren't generally looking for the person you are going to marry. But if you are - IMO, the key thing that makes a marriage work is if both partners have similar morals and values. This woman doesn't share your values.

[clouded]

Lots of mixed responses here.....

 

Just to note however I am not bringing this issue up with my gf at all, so Im not reminding her or accusing her during this relationship. I am dealing with this myself, which is why I felt I needed some feedback to help me cope.

 

I either forget her past and move on or take heed of her past and move on before I am hurt. I know she hasnt done anything to me in the time we have been together, I just dont want to be going happy and well, move out with her and find out after 5 years she goes and cheats on me.

 

People say forgive and forget all the time, its easy to SAY it but try doing it, I cant ignore her past, frequently when we are out alone or with friends conversations have references to cheating or unfaithful acts, even songs on the radio bring up the issue in my head and its something I cant ignore. I used to think nothing of it, but now Im dating someone that I know has done these sorts of things. I hate it. This is what is making me think I have no choice but to take option two, and leave....

 

I dont want to do this, and I know she wont want this either, but I dont want to hurt her by feeling uneasy during certain instances of conversation. Im fine when Im with her normally, its when Im alone or hear references to cheating that my mind plays up.

 

Its not fair on her though, we are very happy together, she has turned her life around so much and we are both in love, I didnt want to end things with her and especially when she hasnt done anything wrong to me except be honest and reveal her past. I wont rush into anything right now, what I will do is let time take its course and see how I feel in a couple of weeks. If I still find it difficult to function with this knowledge then I believe I may have to call things off, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Of course I will have to have a long talk with her before I end anything.

 

Thanks to everyone for their responses, they have deffinately helped. Im sure everyone can see that my options really only come down to the two I have listed so Ill give it a little time and take my path. If anyone wishes to discuss this topic more with me however please continue to post, it may even help me some more.

[kiwi29f]

She could have been a very insecure teenager, believing evrything any guy told her. I know lots of girls who were like that, that doesn't mean she's like that now. You should leave the past behind, everyone has a past & people do change. If your happy now then keep everything as it is until you have a reason to doubt her. If I dwelled on the past I would not be married to my husband & we wouldn't be as happy as we are. Good Luck

[Max Zoom]

Hi. I think you need to stop talking about trust and forgiveness. And why on Earth would you feel you can tell her that you know you can trust her. You know you can't. You're worried about this and that's why you are here discussing your feelings.

 

My advice is accept her as she is or walk away. If her love for you has indeed built up her bonds of loyalty to the point where she truly wouldn't cheat, then that is wonderful. But she's told you what she is like and how she views life and you say you still love her. So move on with your relationship and stop letting your insecuities poison the present and the future. If you can't deal with her on this level then, as I've said, cut your losses now and walk.

[faux]

Whenever I have come across a girl with such a history, and who professes to have changed, this spells trouble. Whenever I have let the past remain the past, the women simply repeated the past and hurt me. Given the stories you were told, I would not be okay with this.

 

Her past behavior goes against your personal beliefs, and makes you quite uncomfortable. As it stands, you will most likely never truly be able to trust her, or forget about what she has told you. It is true that past behavior is often a prelude of things to come. Tread carefully. Do what you believe will be best for you alone.

[clouded]

Hi guys,

 

I thought that the previous post would be my last but unfortunately I have just been through a horrible week discovering some information that is not so nice, infact its more shocking to me than anything else Ive heard.

 

I have been happy up until now, I was fine and accepted my gf's past and didnt hold it against her. We were going really well and I thought things were great. In the last week, my gf confessed to me that she had cheated on me in the start of the relationship. Only 2 months into it she spent a few nights away with an older man that she had previously had a sexual relationship with in the past (prior to us meeting).

 

She explained to me that she loves me more than anything else in her life and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, in the start of the relationship she said she didnt feel she loved me completely, or wasnt as "in love" as she is now with me. According to her she was doubtful of me and doubtful that the relationship would last long. She didnt like the way I acted one night and for the following few days she stopped all contact with me (turned off mobile and was never at home). Now I know why. She was with this other person for a few days sleeping with him in a hotel.

 

This makes me feel so sick.

 

I read everyones responses and took all the positive feedback and followed it. It backfired. Although this happened a year ago, to hear she had done this to me initially is very hard to take in. She regrets what happened and said it would never happen again because she has grown since then and is deeply sorry for what happened. I questioned her so much about it, finding out things like the fact that she was the one who called this guy when she was upset at me, she went to his hotel room fully understanding what he was going to do with her.

 

I just thought I would post this up to inform those of you that had told me to forget her past as its no indication to her future actions. I did that and look where it landed me. Do I forget this "past event" too? And if another arises to I forget those and move on? When does it stop?!?

 

I am confused, disgusted and hurt. My opinion on all this - Watch your back. Always. When you think everything is going fine and someone appears to be a great person chances are they are hiding something. She appeared to have changed into a beautiful person, but infact she was simply holding a secret that gave insight to the person she really is.

 

Clouded - Literally.

[Grinning Maniac]

Wow. That sucks. That's why I always say to never trust a cheater.

 

Reading your first post is kind of funny now. She said she would NEVER do that to you, when in fact she already had.

 

Dump this loss.

[davisp775]

Hello Clouded,

 

This is sad but it does not surprise me. Two months into the relationship she gets into an argument with you and goes and screws another old male friend for a couple of days. The fact of her previous behavior and the fact that she said she would never do this this to you but did tells me you are making a huge mistake by being with her. She seems if she gets upset with a boyfriend she apparently has no problem going and screwing another man and then keeping quiet about it from her boyfriend. I hate to be harsh but I really think you are out of your mind staying with her. It will be a matter of time until she does it again since it is her pattern of behavior. By the way, isn't it interesting how long she is able to withhold this information from you. I am afraid you are in denial if you think this will not happen again.

[NatoPMT]

I was ready to believe this girl wasnt a cheater, just bad at breaking up. Please dont let this affect your future opinion of relationships or that hurt is the consequence of giving your heart to someone. People DO change, and grow and mature, just not this one. And as people do change, dont let this change you to not be able to trust.

 

wishing you the best

[Fritz]

She explained to me that she loves me more than anything else in her life and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, in the start of the relationship she said she didnt feel she loved me completely, or wasnt as "in love" as she is now with me. According to her she was doubtful of me and doubtful that the relationship would last long. She didnt like the way I acted one night and for the following few days she stopped all contact with me (turned off mobile and was never at home). Now I know why. She was with this other person for a few days sleeping with him in a hotel.

 

Yeah, thats what the red flags that were showing up were about. People do change and you took a chance based on what info you had and how you felt about her. Sadly, she ended up staying the same ol cheater. A shame but it happens. Thankfully you found out the truth. I'd move on if I were you. It doesn't sound like she knows what she really wants. One doesn't cheat on someone, even only 2 months into a relationship (exclusive one I'm guessing..) because of one fight or one bad perception. Perhaps you kicking her to the curb might wake her up truly. Perhaps not.