Girlfriend's shocking "cheating" history

[billybadass36]

Go back and re-read all of the advice posted here. You'll likely note, as I did, that the majority of the people that were saying "forgive and forget" are women. If you were a woman complaining about your situation with a boyfriend's cheating past, the responses would have, in my opinion, been totally reversed (with women saying "watch your back...or leave him" and men saying "it's in the past...don't worry about it.")

 

Here's a novel idea: Take your time before devoting your heart and soul to somebody because you rarely, if ever, truly "know" somebody until you've had months, years even, to see how they react to different situations. My current situation is one such that I was totally infatuated with this woman after only three months...thought she was "the one". Well, she still might be, but some things have come up that have made me totally slow down and remove myself "a little" emotionally from the relationship to make sure that we have similar ideas on intimacy, exclusivity, etc... It sucks, but only time tells in these situations.

 

Which brings up another point: she didn't HAVE to tell you about this "affair" or whatever. Why did she do it? Is she a chronic commitmentphobe? Does she have a self-destructive personality? Is she a serial dater in the past, i.e., going from boyfriend to boyfriend...? All of those would be behaviors that are inherent in a woman who has no desire, consciously or unconsciously, to settle down. Maybe she needs constant reassurance of her sexual desireability. Maybe she thinks you'll eventually hurt her, so she pre-emptively "cheated" on you early in the relationship? Maybe you two simply had different expectations regarding exclusivity in the initial stages of your relationship - when this "affair" happened? Who knows?

 

Just take the advice on here with a grain of salt. It's good to get a variety of viewpoints, but odds are no two people on here have been through EXACTLY what you're going through or have, themselves, handled every relationship problem in as perfect style as they may think. Usually those that profess to know EVERYTHING about everybody else's relationships are wrong.

[Craig]

Clouded, when I read your first post I thought you were talking about one of my ex's! Basically a serial cheater but at least she was honest as she told me that she cheated on me sometime after the fact. Thank God I ended it with her. After we split up she continued on with her life of cheating.

 

If you haven't dumped her yet please do so for your own sake.

[clouded]

The reason she told me about it was because she is seeing a councellor about her problems and the councellor requested that I come to a session to discuss things. I guess she got scared that the truth would come out therefore she told me out of desperation just before the meeting was to occur.

[rubie]

Do not base your current relationship on the past.

Do not percieve her as the persone she was when she did these things that bother you.

Regardless of everything, if she loves you and it's meant to work out, she's not going to cheat on you.

People change daily. Judging her by what she did two or three or four years ago is not an accurate way to percieve someone.

[clouded]

Rubie she already HAS cheated on me. People go on about how people change, I thought she had changed, only to find out she hadn't. If I start to believe that now, will she do it again? Chances are not in her favour. This girl makes stupid mistakes basically, she doesnt act the way she does because she is a bad person who enjoys sleeping around, she just gets into bad situations and takes the option that is stupidly apparent in its wrongness.

 

Why?

 

Shes done it before and regretted it. She has done it again and regretted it. Now she has done it to me, and supposedly regretted it. Can anyone out there possibly say they would maintain a relationship with someone they feel will simply sleep with some other guy as soon as there are bumps in the relationship and theres the option of another man? I know she loves me, but honestly.....how much trust does she expect? I have done so much for her and she has ruined it all because she doesnt think before she acts.

 

The real question here is whether or not I believe she 'has' or ever will Grow Up. Its hard, her track record shows me nothing but negative backing, and her ability to lie as much as she has done also doesnt make me even 'want' to begin trusting her anymore.

 

Its so crazy! You are allowed to make a mistake in life, but to continue doing so marks an obvious flaw in someone's mentallity.

[Papillon]

Dump her

[rubie]

Originally posted by clouded

Rubie she already HAS cheated on me.

 

woah! that is what I get for only reading your first post! My bad. Ok, I was thinking she had not cheated on you.

 

IN this case, dump her. Forgive her and don't harbor any feelings of hatred toward her, but you don't need to subject yourself to anyone who has cheated on you.

[jmargel]

Clouded.. I was going to post this after your thread about the time spending on the bed, but this confirms this after reading she cheated on you.

 

When she put her head down, after saying you would never take that model home, she was doing it from guilt. She is taking a very positive step by going to a counselor, and asking you to come with. She is confronting her issues so this won't happen again.

 

During this counseling she will realize the reason for cheating on you wasn't because of YOU, it was because of her own inner problems, that YOU, yourself can't solve. She has realized she can't solve her problems either, and needs a professional.

 

As for trust, take comfort that she is doing this (seeking help) and she is doing this not only for her, but for the both of you. She has probably learned and felt alot during this past year, and the guilt on her was probably unbearable. Try not to think the great times you had together were tainted for what she did early in the relationship.

 

If two people love each other enough, they can get through anything. I have had one night stands (didn't cheat) but did have sex with a married woman. And the reason was because I didn't really felt I deserved anymore. I was emotionally abused by my ex quite a bit before she left. The sex was truly meaningless, and after doing this you have this 'hollow' feeling inside. Apparently she is very insecure, and some how takes things to heart with a person she loves. This is no excuse however to cheat on you. She needs to learn how to communicate & show her emotions better to you, a counselor will do this. However it will take a very long time.

 

It's upto whether or not you want to go through with this, with her. There are no guarantees in life, with her or anyone else that you might meet in life.

 

If you decide to stay with her, don't make it easy on her. Talk to her as much as you want about the cheating. If she cares about you, she won't have any problem doing this. Trust is earned and right now she has alot of catching up to do.

 

Hang in there, alot of people like you are going through the same thing as well.

[clouded]

She got back from another councelling session yesterday and talked to me some more later last night. She was angry with me. She explained that she has realised that she was insecure and vulnerable at the time and the incident wasnt her fault, it was the fault of the man that slept with her. She puts all the blame on him and feels she should not be blamed.

 

Its hard to talk to her, jmargel you mentioned that I should not let this go easy and talk to her about it, everytime I have tried, even asking a single question a day gets her into a mess. She gets horribly angry at me and gets furious when I question what happened. I do believe she has taken the right step to getting better by seeking help. I hope she is justified in her blame, although Ill never fully know the situation at the rate things are going. If I cant talk to her about something like this then its not going to get anywhere. The least she can do is accept what she has done and give me the chance to come to grips with things.

 

This girl is so very undeveloped, it becomes more evident each day. She really does have a lot of growing up to do. Im still undecided on where to go from here.

[jmargel]

Well she probably has a hard time admitting to what she's done. It's easier to blame the other party, therefore taking the guilt off her shoulders. She has done this in the past as well. She is just as much to blame as is the guy. Perhaps you can goto a counseling session with her. I doubt the counselor was telling her that it was all this other guy's fault. Good chance she heard alot of things that she didn't want to hear. And telling you this would make her feel that she's going to lose you.

 

All the reading I have done about infedality, was that there was just no 'one' talk between the two spouses after everything came out. That the only way a relationship will sustain something like this is to have the person who was cheated on, given the ability to ask as many questions and at any time they want. And for the other spouse to be as open as they can about what happened and what they feel.

 

Otherwise you have way too much bottled inside, and it will manifest itself into other ways, such as resentment, etc..

 

Like I said before it's going to take alot of patience, but she has to be willing to accept responsibility, otherwise there is no reason for her to not do it again. Next time she mentions how she shouldn't be blamed, look her right in the eye and say 'If I cheated on you then, would I have any blame?' Expect her to get angry, because the facts are put on the table and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

In any event this will be an opportunity for her to learn and mature.