Bobbie Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 I have been very close and probably in love with a married friend for some time, we've never crossed the line by mutual understanding HOWEVER his wife told me recently she doesn't love him, has no positive feelings for him, wishes he'd just leave. She just seems to want the money and status he provides. I am terrified he'll commit suicide, he's a prime candidate, very rigid values and sense of honour and chonic depression. I want to be there for him, he is a wonderful man with problems, and I know several mental health professionals who I know will be able to help. But probably not without treading on his wife ( my firend's ) toes... Is it ok to reach out to him, or am I being immoral to potentially mess up his marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
cuddlebug20 Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 his wife told me recently she doesn't love him, has no positive feelings for him, wishes he'd just leave. She just seems to want the money and status he provides. I am terrified he'll commit suicide, he's a prime candidate, very rigid values and sense of honour and chonic depression This is a pretty bad situation to be in, but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do. If you really love this man and care for him then if I were you I would deffinately reach out to him. It sounds like he needs someone who cares for him. At least set it up to where he can go and talk to the doctors that you know. Be his shoulder to lean on help him get through this, but don't kill yourself doing so.....it could end up hurting you in the long run. You said "or am I being immoral to potentially mess up his marriage?" It sounds to me like he already has a terrible marriage anyways. Talk to him and ask him if HE wants you to help him.....tell him how far you are willing to go to help him get his life together and to get out of it if he doesn't want to be there anymore. Sorry I couldn't give you anymore advice! Goodluck! Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 You've already crossed the line, you just haven't had sex yet. You are emotionally involved with a married man, though you do not say what his feelings are for you. If he feels the same way and the two of you have been having intimate conversations, then he is having an emotional affair. They are just as hurtful as a physical affair (I think more so). Pretend the conversation with his wife never happened. Don't mention it. If things come unravelled between him and his wife, then will be the time for you to offer assistance, but not until. You should back way off so that you do not become an issue in his marriage. It doesn't sound as if you've done anything immoral. You can't help having developed feelings for him. But if his marriage falls apart, he's going to need quite a bit of time to pick up the pieces and he shouldn't become romantically involved with you or anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobbie Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 Thanks. I've got it straight in my mind now. Sometimes attraction and fear and loneliness are pretty confusing! I'm pretty sure he won't leave his wife, at least not yet, he is terrified he'll lose his children which is what happened with his first marriage. His second wife wouldn't accept the first, that's part of their problem now. But he is sick and I felt very concerned last time I saw him. More so because my ex saw him too, and said he thought he seemed suicidal. He's in a complicated situation. But I'm not. I love him and we get on well ( and yes there is a chemistry ) and we could maybe have a good relationship in the future if he disentangles himself and gets help. But I'm not looking for an affair, a maybe. It's not enough. He has to be able to sort out his own life and problems, we all do. With support. But not jumping from relationship to relationship. Our conversations have been intimate ( about our lives, what we think and believe ) but not sexual and not about us as a potential couple, we just always have so much to say. He told me he loves me, we dropped the conversation and he left, I think he said I'd better go... His wife says he's boring and unattractive, but I don't find him so. She's always thrown us together, goes to bed early or goes out and we talk. Maybe she's having an affair herself...maybe she trusts me and/or him....maybe she thinks I can help....maybe she's bored with the pair of us! I've written to him saying I think he needs to see a psychiatrist & if he needs my help I will support him. I told his wife I was going to do that. She said I wish someone would take him away.... I'm finding it hard to maintain sympathy for her when she keeps saying horrid things, but I know she's hurt too, and she's going to find a therapist. I know it's hard to live with someone who is depressed and when things aren't working out. Now I'm not going to get any further involved or listen to their marriage problems. Not unless they pay me $150 an hour which I believe is about the going rate for therapy! Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Let his wife do that for him. Or you may help him while you are staying just friends with no emotional or sexual involvement at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts