Huge Mess, Did she cheat?

[Gringo]

I've got no one to really talk this over with, so I am coming here to get some well needed advice.

 

First things first, I have already had an experience with cheating which devastated me (married for a year and she left me for someone else), so hopefully that can serve as a little background as to why this situation bothers me so much.

 

I have a girlfriend that I have been with for little over a year now. She moved in with me a couple of months after we started seeing eachother and has lived with me ever since. I feel we really klick well together and love her to death. She says the same goes for her. We've even talked about marriage, which is a topic she brings up quite a bit.

 

I am, however, her boss at work. Under company policies I should not be allowed to date her and we have kept it secret the whole time we've been together (except from some of our friends at work). We've been questioned about it once or twice but nothing has really come of it as the company really likes the both of us.

 

She often complains about how we have a "secret life together" and how she feels I'm her "secret girlfriend" that I don't want anyone to know about. This is so far from the truth. I have begged her multiple times to quit and find another job, all to no avail.

 

Anyways, enough of the history. Things have gone well with her up until the last month or so. A while ago she started casually talking with this guy (we will call him bob) who was a friend of her friend. Her friends kept saying how bob was so much like my girlfriend and how they would get along so well together. After some harmless texts and a call here or there, I asked her to put a stop to it out of respect for me. I don't mind her having guy friends but this one bothered me for some reason.

 

She agreed and stopped.

 

Until one day she came home from work on the phone with him and I confronted her about it and she said she was telling him the crap his ex was saying about him (his ex works with us). End of story. I trust her completely. A guy deserves to know what's being said behind his back, right?

 

So several months go by, everything is swell, and then she calls me up in distress complaining about how her best friend, who lives in kansas, stopped talking to her. She tells me she's planning a trip down to see him and is going to take her brother with her. I'm like...ok, fair enough. I know which best friend she is talking about and he does live in Kansas. So she makes this four night trip out to Kansas with her boyfriend while I'm left at home with this really odd feeling in my stomach.

 

She sends me txts and pictures, even calls me once or twice while she is away.

 

Then one night about a week after she gets back I decide to take a look at her phone. I don't know why, but I did. Lo and behold I read a txt from her to Bob's roommmate about how her wearing military armor = horny Bob, and how Bob being horny = her in just military armor and panties, and then sex, and then I couldn't even finish reading the whole thing (which I regret). ((Btw, she also sent me a pic of herslef in the armor))

 

I storm downstairs and throw the phone at her, calling her no better than my ex-wife. She tells me that those texts were her describing to Bob's roommate what Bob was telling her he wanted to do to her while they were chatting on Facebook. She goes on to say that Bob wont leave her alone on face book and with txts, and that she had to have one of his relatives delete her number from his phone so he would stop pestering her.

 

I make her swear on the name of her only niece whom she loves to DEATH that she didn't cheat on me, which she does without hesitation.

 

I couldn't let it go though. By all means I should have, because she hadn't given me reason to mistrust her in our relationship up until this point. I go through some more of her texts later that night, and this time she turns the table on me. She blames me for not trusting her, how I have no right to go through her phone, that's she's going home and coming to get her stuff later in the week when I'm at work. I beg her not to leave and try to convince her that I trust her and she stays.

 

Week goes by and little old me decides to go through her facebook messages. And that is where the flood gates open up. Her facebook is rife with talk about Bob. She has a plethora of messages to all sorts of random people about how she is dating Bob. Then there are some messages to a few people talking about going down to Kansas to see "Bob" on the exact dates that she went to Kansas, as well as a message asking Bob's good friend how long Bob can "wait" in a relationship before he has sex.

 

So I confront her on all of this. First she throws out the trust card and threatens to leave again. After much hemming and hawing I finally get her to talk and she claims to have never written any of it and that her mom and brother both have her facebook password. I tell her this is highly unlikely but she tells me in tears that I don't know her family well enough and that they've always had a rocky past and how her brother has called her "bitch" before. (same brother she went to Kansas with)

 

Me being the clinger I am, I convince her to stay (why am I doing all the convincing here when I'm the betrayed?) She swears that she hasn't even met Bob, let alone had sex with him.

 

The above happened twice more since I couldn't leave it alone...me looking through her facebook and she threatening to leave because I don't trust her. She refuses to give me the password to her computer.

 

Guess what happens a week later? We find out she's pregnant. A big surprise to both of us as she takes a shot for birth control. I've wanted to be a father for so long, i was elated. But then that elation turned to stomach churning doubt. "Is this my child?" I wondered. We go to the doctor and it turns out she is 10 weeks 4 days pregnant, which solidifies it as being mine.

 

I'm ready to give up all the past stuff and just focus on being a loving dad. I still want to marry the girl. A couple of days ago, however, I read a text from her to someone with just Bob's last name, complaining about her aunt not congratualting her and only wanting to know if the baby was Bob's? I believe these txt were to Bob, but she claims they are to his brother, despite her using the word "yours" in the txt about the Baby possibly being his. She says its a typo cuz she was work.

 

That one caught me off guard as highly unlikely. When confronted she claims that it was her aunt being funny when she asked if it was Bob's. "****ed up family" is what she keeps calling all her relatives.

 

I let it go and then last night I read a facebook convo with her aunt's husband, and he asks her the same thing. "Is it Bob's?"

 

She says "no, its (mine)"

 

And then she says "I'm way too far along for it be Bob's anyways" (paraphrasing)

 

And that line right there killed me. While not explicitly stating she was with Bob, isn't she admitting seeing him?

 

I dunno what to do. I really want to have a family and will not abandon my child. But did she cheat on me? Did she lie to me? How can I ever find out the truth?

[the ill-made knight]

Brutally honest here, you know deep down that she cheated on you, several times, probably not only with "Bob". Chances are highly likely that this child is not even yours. Get a DNA test. This woman is a class A manipulator and she knows a good thing when she sees it- aka you- and she's simply selling you a dream. Wake up and realize that it's not a dream, it's a nightmare.

[Gringo]

Brutally honest here, you know deep down that she cheated on you, several times, probably not only with "Bob". Chances are highly likely that this child is not even yours. Get a DNA test. This woman is a class A manipulator and she knows a good thing when she sees it- aka you- and she's simply selling you a dream. Wake up and realize that it's not a dream, it's a nightmare.

 

Maybe I should rephrase the whole "boss" thing.

 

I am her immediate supervisor, but I actually don't have any control over her well being at the company. I don't make much at all so she's not after money in our relationship either. This is a retail job we're talking about here.

[karnak]

 

Anyways, enough of the history. Things have gone well with her up until the last month or so. A while ago she started casually talking with this guy (we will call him bob) who was a friend of her friend. Her friends kept saying how bob was so much like my girlfriend and how they would get along so well together. After some harmless texts and a call here or there, I asked her to put a stop to it out of respect for me. I don't mind her having guy friends but this one bothered me for some reason.

 

 

Gut feeling...

 

Never leave home without it.

[veggirl]

That was pretty sad to read. OBVIOUSLY she was cheating on you. So...

 

 

I have a girlfriend that I have been with for little over a year now. She moved in with me a couple of months after we started seeing eachother and has lived with me ever since.

 

First of all, that was really dumb, you barely know someone after a couple of months and you moved her in. You knew nothing of her true character.

 

 

She often complains about how we have a "secret life together" and how she feels I'm her "secret girlfriend" that I don't want anyone to know about. This is so far from the truth. I have begged her multiple times to quit and find another job, all to no avail.

Well, that is part her fault as well, how can she blame you for that? She chose to move in with you, be in a relationship with you as well. So she got herself into this as much as you did. How old is she? How are you going to marry someone that you have to keep a secret?

 

Anyways, enough of the history. Things have gone well with her up until the last month or so. A while ago she started casually talking with this guy (we will call him bob) who was a friend of her friend. Her friends kept saying how bob was so much like my girlfriend and how they would get along so well together. After some harmless texts and a call here or there, I asked her to put a stop to it out of respect for me. I don't mind her having guy friends but this one bothered me for some reason.

 

She agreed and stopped.

Highly doubt she ever stopped. Also, do her friends not like you or something? Why are they trying to basically set her up with Bob? What does she say about you to her friends?

 

So several months go by, everything is swell, and then she calls me up in distress complaining about how her best friend, who lives in kansas, stopped talking to her. She tells me she's planning a trip down to see him and is going to take her brother with her. I'm like...ok, fair enough. I know which best friend she is talking about and he does live in Kansas. So she makes this four night trip out to Kansas with her boyfriend while I'm left at home with this really odd feeling in my stomach.

So her trip to Kansas was basically to see Bob. Ouch. then you find basically sexts about Bob and all, and she has a lame clearly made up story about how that is Bob harrassing her. Right.

 

I make her swear on the name of her only niece whom she loves to DEATH that she didn't cheat on me, which she does without hesitation.

Meaningless. Has anyone in the history of the world ever dropped dead when a liar "swore on their name"? Nope.

 

I couldn't let it go though. By all means I should have, because she hadn't given me reason to mistrust her in our relationship up until this point.

Um this is a pretty damn huge reason to not trust her. I am not sure why you think you should have let it go. Then she gaslights you by trying to make you feel bad for "betraying her trust" as though she has done that to you about 5x over by now. And THEN she tells you her mom and brother may have written the FB messages?! Oh that is rich. And you still want to marry her? I'm sorry why?

 

Question, why would people need to ask her if the baby is Bob's if she has "never met him" and certainly never slept with him? How do her family members know about her inappropriate relationship with Bob?

 

And then she says "I'm way too far along for it be Bob's anyways" (paraphrasing)

HELLOOOOOOOOOO?!?!?!?!?! She SLEPT WITH BOB.

 

 

I dunno what to do. I really want to have a family and will not abandon my child. But did she cheat on me? Did she lie to me? How can I ever find out the truth?

YES she cheated on you, YES she lied to you. You have already SEEN THE TRUTH but have instead chosen to believe her obvious lies. She will NEVER admit to what she has done.

[veggirl]

Maybe I should rephrase the whole "boss" thing.

 

I am her immediate supervisor, but I actually don't have any control over her well being at the company. I don't make much at all so she's not after money in our relationship either. This is a retail job we're talking about here.

 

Well way to ignore the entirety of his post, basically.

[FryFish]

I vote for abortion in this instance... You sure as **** better not marry this slut.

[Later82012]

It is in your face. You just do not want to believe it. I think you need to get a DNA test done and hope the baby is not yours otherwise you are tied to her for life. Dump her without a second thought.

[Cb3657]

She did cheat in my opinion but I would be very carefull here, if this blows up you will lose your job and have to look for another with this following you around. Go find another job then get rid of her dont dump till you have left the job. This could really pooch a good reference and make it so you cannot even list this job on your resume

[Gringo]

Wise words about the job. I have a promotion in the works that would take me to another store in a month or so, so thank God for that.

 

I honestly don't doubt if the baby is mine, I just want to know why she would insist on staying with me, as she has said many times how she wants to help me forget all the pain my ex-wife caused me and she would never do that to me.

 

Why do cheaters want to stay? Why would she consider marriage if she cheated? My ex flat out told me the truth and moved out...what does this girlfriend gain by staying? She litterally gives up a lot of what she loves to stay with me.

[the ill-made knight]

Why do cheaters want to stay? Why would she consider marriage if she cheated? My ex flat out told me the truth and moved out...what does this girlfriend gain by staying? She litterally gives up a lot of what she loves to stay with me.

 

In my previous post you assumed that I meant she had something to gain monetarily by staying with you, that was not what I meant at all, though that is one reason for some people, but people use other people for a multitude of things; comfort, security, emotional support, etc.

 

Cheaters are not rational people. A rational person would leave the person they were with before pursuing another relationship. You cannot apply logic to the illogical, but you are so deep in denial you cannot see any of this. Eventually, one day, you'll come to terms with it, but I would be willing to bet that would be several affairs later.

 

Some people seem to attract cheaters or have a high tolerance for their BS. I think you, my friend, are one of those people.

[veggirl]

Lol what has she given up to be with you? She has you, bob, her family, her job, and lives in your place. The only person giving anything up is you and it's your dignity

 

Do you still think she didn't cheat? How does her family know about bob?

[KraftDinner]

She definitely cheated on you, big time.

 

I'm sorry. you must be in such deep denial not to see that.

[Leigh 87]

You poor thing. You really care about this girl, and she is treating you like sh*t.

 

She is staying because she obviously does like you and enjoys living with you, and she is attached enough to not want to just leave.

 

I assume that is why MOST cheaters do not leave! Because they DO actually like the person they are with, just not enough to stay faithfull.

 

On the other hand, she could just be a cold hearted biatch, who can not even be bothered hiding bob from her friends and family, so as to protect you and hide it. Normally, if a person still really cares about their spouse or partner, they will at least try to keep the cheating a SECRET.

 

You need to learn that this is NOT how people behave in loving, faithfull relationships!

You WOULD NOT find messages in facebook and vis text, of this nature, if a girl really, truly loved you and wanted to spend their lives with you.

She may like your company, and want to stick around, and Bob may have just been a fun diversion.... I any case, you MUST move on from this liar!

 

You deserve better.

[GLDheart]

You provide her safety, security, and a place to stay. He provides her with his c*ck.

 

 

If you're ok with this get yourself checked into a psych ward.

[todreaminblue]

I've got no one to really talk this over with, so I am coming here to get some well needed advice.

 

First things first, I have already had an experience with cheating which devastated me (married for a year and she left me for someone else), so hopefully that can serve as a little background as to why this situation bothers me so much.

 

I have a girlfriend that I have been with for little over a year now. She moved in with me a couple of months after we started seeing eachother and has lived with me ever since. I feel we really klick well together and love her to death. She says the same goes for her. We've even talked about marriage, which is a topic she brings up quite a bit.

 

I am, however, her boss at work. Under company policies I should not be allowed to date her and we have kept it secret the whole time we've been together (except from some of our friends at work). We've been questioned about it once or twice but nothing has really come of it as the company really likes the both of us.

 

She often complains about how we have a "secret life together" and how she feels I'm her "secret girlfriend" that I don't want anyone to know about. This is so far from the truth. I have begged her multiple times to quit and find another job, all to no avail.

 

Anyways, enough of the history. Things have gone well with her up until the last month or so. A while ago she started casually talking with this guy (we will call him bob) who was a friend of her friend. Her friends kept saying how bob was so much like my girlfriend and how they would get along so well together. After some harmless texts and a call here or there, I asked her to put a stop to it out of respect for me. I don't mind her having guy friends but this one bothered me for some reason.

 

She agreed and stopped.

 

Until one day she came home from work on the phone with him and I confronted her about it and she said she was telling him the crap his ex was saying about him (his ex works with us). End of story. I trust her completely. A guy deserves to know what's being said behind his back, right?

 

So several months go by, everything is swell, and then she calls me up in distress complaining about how her best friend, who lives in kansas, stopped talking to her. She tells me she's planning a trip down to see him and is going to take her brother with her. I'm like...ok, fair enough. I know which best friend she is talking about and he does live in Kansas. So she makes this four night trip out to Kansas with her boyfriend while I'm left at home with this really odd feeling in my stomach.

 

She sends me txts and pictures, even calls me once or twice while she is away.

 

Then one night about a week after she gets back I decide to take a look at her phone. I don't know why, but I did. Lo and behold I read a txt from her to Bob's roommmate about how her wearing military armor = horny Bob, and how Bob being horny = her in just military armor and panties, and then sex, and then I couldn't even finish reading the whole thing (which I regret). ((Btw, she also sent me a pic of herslef in the armor))

 

I storm downstairs and throw the phone at her, calling her no better than my ex-wife. She tells me that those texts were her describing to Bob's roommate what Bob was telling her he wanted to do to her while they were chatting on Facebook. She goes on to say that Bob wont leave her alone on face book and with txts, and that she had to have one of his relatives delete her number from his phone so he would stop pestering her.

 

I make her swear on the name of her only niece whom she loves to DEATH that she didn't cheat on me, which she does without hesitation.

 

I couldn't let it go though. By all means I should have, because she hadn't given me reason to mistrust her in our relationship up until this point. I go through some more of her texts later that night, and this time she turns the table on me. She blames me for not trusting her, how I have no right to go through her phone, that's she's going home and coming to get her stuff later in the week when I'm at work. I beg her not to leave and try to convince her that I trust her and she stays.

 

Week goes by and little old me decides to go through her facebook messages. And that is where the flood gates open up. Her facebook is rife with talk about Bob. She has a plethora of messages to all sorts of random people about how she is dating Bob. Then there are some messages to a few people talking about going down to Kansas to see "Bob" on the exact dates that she went to Kansas, as well as a message asking Bob's good friend how long Bob can "wait" in a relationship before he has sex.

 

So I confront her on all of this. First she throws out the trust card and threatens to leave again. After much hemming and hawing I finally get her to talk and she claims to have never written any of it and that her mom and brother both have her facebook password. I tell her this is highly unlikely but she tells me in tears that I don't know her family well enough and that they've always had a rocky past and how her brother has called her "bitch" before. (same brother she went to Kansas with)

 

Me being the clinger I am, I convince her to stay (why am I doing all the convincing here when I'm the betrayed?) She swears that she hasn't even met Bob, let alone had sex with him.

 

The above happened twice more since I couldn't leave it alone...me looking through her facebook and she threatening to leave because I don't trust her. She refuses to give me the password to her computer.

 

Guess what happens a week later? We find out she's pregnant. A big surprise to both of us as she takes a shot for birth control. I've wanted to be a father for so long, i was elated. But then that elation turned to stomach churning doubt. "Is this my child?" I wondered. We go to the doctor and it turns out she is 10 weeks 4 days pregnant, which solidifies it as being mine.

 

I'm ready to give up all the past stuff and just focus on being a loving dad. I still want to marry the girl. A couple of days ago, however, I read a text from her to someone with just Bob's last name, complaining about her aunt not congratualting her and only wanting to know if the baby was Bob's? I believe these txt were to Bob, but she claims they are to his brother, despite her using the word "yours" in the txt about the Baby possibly being his. She says its a typo cuz she was work.

 

That one caught me off guard as highly unlikely. When confronted she claims that it was her aunt being funny when she asked if it was Bob's. "****ed up family" is what she keeps calling all her relatives.

 

I let it go and then last night I read a facebook convo with her aunt's husband, and he asks her the same thing. "Is it Bob's?"

 

She says "no, its (mine)"

 

And then she says "I'm way too far along for it be Bob's anyways" (paraphrasing)

 

And that line right there killed me. While not explicitly stating she was with Bob, isn't she admitting seeing him?

 

I dunno what to do. I really want to have a family and will not abandon my child. But did she cheat on me? Did she lie to me? How can I ever find out the truth?

 

 

Dna test.....my ex accused me of sleeping with others with my middle child because she had blondish hair when she was a baby....i handed her to him i said go now....get a dna test ....i will wait until you get the results and then i am gone......The girl was his i never cheated he did however cheat, and used transferrence of guilt.....there is the question of whether the child is yours with obvious flirting and suspect phone messages the mother should understand and want to prove paternity if she is innocent ....sounds like transferrance to me........if i had been busted with messages or anything like that i would not have reacted the way i did...i doted on my partner made many queasy with non stop talk....about what he was doing how great he was.....i was hurt that he didnt believe she was his....as i had never cheated in fact i warded off advances quite a fair bit....he had only to ask around.....i came clean to him about advances that were made and those male friends were no more......in your case think about a dna test....you shouldnt have to convince her to stay and she should not threaten you with leaving..transferrance...my motto is never say it unless you mean it....never threaten it....tell them why and leave.....or work it out but not with threats.....doesnt work......deb

Edited August 27, 2012 by todreaminblue

[GLDheart]

i had never cheated in fact i warded off advances quite a fair bit....he had only to ask around.....i came clean to him about advances that were made and those male friends were no more......

 

A momentary T/J here:

 

I once took this type of behavior for granted... like it should just of course be this way... Now after being betrayed. I see how you handled advances and truly respect you for what you gave to your marriage.

 

True loyalty has taken on an incredible beauty to me now. Kudos to you.

[seibert253]

"I'm way too far along for it to be Bob's anyway".

That statement right there answers the question if she had sex with Bob.

 

Now, what are you going to do about it?

[Sebastian76]

Jeez dude, I've never seen such hard core denial and loss of dignity ever before. It's like Me Myself and Irene all over... YES she did cheat on you, YES she did have sex with Bob for four days in a row and YES she is a lying whore. It is not even a suspicion, it is a fact! Pull yourself together man and get the hell out. Get a DNA test and just pray that it isn't yours. If it is, there is nothing you can do about it. Be a good dad, but for christ sakes don't stay with this woman from hell.