having a hard time, all my own fault...

[myname]

Hi

 

I've not posted to these boards for a while, mainly because when I had before I knew I should finish with the married man, but I hadn't properly and I couldn't take being given a hard time here about it, but I kept on reading stuff.

 

Well, now I'm in a mess tonight, very upset, as ever, as before, as you all would've told me so, I guess.

 

I'm just looking for some people to talk to and if possible some support, I know I've made mistakes in my life, but I'm suffering a lot from them.

 

Well to the point, I tried many times to finish with the married man (many times I got dragged back in was all down to me missing him, feeling lonely, sometimes cos he threatened to tell my work colleagues, I guess it doesn't matter I always ended up getting involved again).

 

All in all, on and off the affairs been going on for over 3 years, his wife found out many times but it all always carried on (I know that's crazy on me as much as anyone else). I really loved him, I really wanted to help him, and believed he wanted my help, but now I don't know what was true or not.

 

Recently in the past few months I made my most concerted effort to end things with him and wouldn't agree to see him, was very short in email contact, didn't phone or pick up calls (I didn't go no contact cos everytime I'd done this before he upped the ante considerably, so I was hoping to just let it fizzle out). I even met another guy and was having pleasant dates, although I wasn't ready for anything serious and so it didn't go anywhere.

 

But then the MM found out, and went mental, demanding I couldn't leave him like that, that I'd betrayed him... Long story short, the affair started up again.

 

Two weeks ago his wife found all the stuff he'd written on his computer trying to piece together when and where I went out with this other guy and his feelings about it, interlaced with emails from me at the time telling him to make the most of his marriage and leave me alone, she understandably got very upset. Called me and was blaming me for trying to continue the affair and chasing him, although what she'd read should've shown the opposite, I accepted her shouting at me anyway.

 

He, after having given me all the spiel about being there for me etc before is now not there for me at all, as in I can't contact him as he is now being 'monitored' by her, and he doesn't contact me unless it's work time and then when he does it's just to complain, act like the victim and assure himself I will be there for him if need be, but that's it.

 

I'm really upset, again because I fell for the rubbish coming from his mouth and now I'm going through all the feelings of abandonment and distress I struggled so hard to go through before, because I got painted as the one entirely to blame by his wife, because where I had been picking up my life before all this I'm now on the floor in bits again. I can't believe it.

 

I know it's my own fault, I'm just hurting really badly, feel used again and I allowed it, I know he'll still try to see me and contact me again once things have died down at home, I just need some support to make me not feel like a totally broken person with nothing else in my life so that I can be strong enough to break away from him totally.

 

Sorry this is all so bitty and maybe not clear, I'm actually in a real mess and just need to talk to someone.

[whichwayisup]

You are strong enough to end it and stay away from him. The pain you feel right now and hopefully anger soon too, will drive you to keep away from him and ignore his (future) contact, if he tries to call, email/text you. Don't be afraid of feeling pain - That pain is final and it'll allow you to begin your grieiving process so you can heal.

 

I suggested this to someone else recently and it helped them..Do a list. Pro and con. List ALL the good things you love about him and why he makes you happy. Then do another list with all the negatives things about him, and why he makes you feel sad/hurt/angry. My guess is, your negative list will be longer than the positive one.

 

3 years is enough time wasted on someone who isn't leaving their wife. He is only interested in an affair and you deserve more than that! As much as you love him he'll never be able to give you all that need and desire. Sharing a man that you love with someone else (knowingly) does damage to you. Each day a part of you is settling and changing.. Remember what you life was like before the A started? Before you met him? That's the woman you want to find again! Only way to do that is to get counselling, be strong and fight off the urges to contact him and ignore him when he contacts you.

 

Whatever happens to him and his marriage now isn't your problem..Focus on yourself, family, friends, neighbours, work etc.. Allow yourself to grieve the loss but don't let yourself go down the depression path because of him. He isn't worthy of your tears.

[myname]

Thank you

 

I've been feeling really very sad when I think about how long I've allowed it to continue. I look back at my life before and it makes me feel like such a broken wreck of a woman now, I guess I do need counselling.

 

Oh, I am angry too, yes very angry, but angry at myself more than anything, I destroyed the life I had, I put my life on hold for him and now I'm left with nothing but heartbreak and despair.

 

It's why I had to get back talking on these boards cos today I felt like the depression about it all, the past 3 years, the wasted time and missed opportunities, the wasted investment, has got me feeling so down it was like the only thing that could cure it would be him changing, but I know that's not going to happen so I have to pull myself out of that feeling somehow.

[whichwayisup]

Do direct some of that anger at him! It takes two. He manipulated you so well and he's capable of fooling and lying so well too.

 

I think right now you need to be good to yourself. Call one of your most trusted woman friends, book a weekend or a day at the spa. Go shopping, get a new haircut - Spoil yourself! It'll make you feel better.

[hermione08]

Whatever you think you've wasted in terms of time and self esteem, think about his wife, she's much worse off than you. She's stuck in a marriage with a man who goes mental if his lover tries to go on a date with another man!!!! And she still stays married to this guy.

You are in a much better position, as you are not married to this spineless man.

Get rid of him now and never look back

[myname]

Thanks, it's appreciated. My best friend is abroad for work but I know she will be supportive once she's back next week. She knows all about him too, cos I told her, but also cos he just turned up unexpectedly at a social event I was at with her so she's met him and knows the stunts he'll pull.

 

Yes, tomorrow I should plan to do something nice for myself, it's hard cos somethings are hard to do when I'm feeling so upset but I think I can manage to go buy myself some nice face cream or stuff like that... try to pamper myself a little.

[myname]

I do think of his wife, I feel bad for her too, in some ways I wish she hadn't just been so angry and blaming of me and judgemental (although I totally understand why she would be and who knows what he's told her) cos I would've talked to her honestly if she'd given me a chance and would've appreciated hearing her side of everything too.

 

It's true there are times I know I should think of it as having a lucky escape, he's obviously very possessive and hypocritical and shows no respect to either woman.

 

Past couple of days I've been feeling quite abandoned and lonely and because I did really love him very much and would've done anything to help him if he needed me it's been hard to not feel like I 'lost' something special.

[woinlove]

myname, you can't do anything to change the past, but you can do a lot about the present. You spent 3 years with MM, sounds like a lot of it hurting, but a year from now, you can be strong and loving yourself, meeting goals that matter to you, whether that is career, education, healthy living,... Counselling is a good idea, and you shouldn't think of yourself as a loser if you go that route, because that would just be you making healthy decisions to better care for yourself. Cut yourself some slack and think of it as a transitional time -- you'll be hurting, but even while hurting, you can start making some good decisions, taking better care of yourself, and getting onto the path you want to be on. Most people find NC helps them move on, so you might want to choose that for yourself.

[myname]

thanks, I've got stuck in the past, wishing I'd done this or that differently and feeling stuck now with the bad choices I made back then.

 

It really helps to hear what you're saying, I can only change what I do from here on in.

 

Yesterday I visited my grandfather, he's getting old and frail and it's painful to see, also my grandmother died two years ago, so it's sad to see him lonely and it reminded me of how when she died and I found out I was all alone, and all MM could do was send me an email and I had to go to the funeral on my own and it reopened all those old hurts and disappointments and reminded me of how he can't support me no matter what he's ever said about wanting to.

[sad puppy]

NC is the only way to go. Think of MM as a very toxic poision in your life. You drank some poision, by making a mistake, and it hurt you. Now you see it, you see how toxic it is! How do you get better? Thrown out the toxic poison, do it!

 

Millions of us have done it and millions of us have felt your pain, we've been there. And we've made it through, you can too. Just make up your mind to eliminate the poison. Quite frankly, it's easier than you think. Really.

 

Focus on his many poor qualities, expect there will be days you miss him, but commit to moving on, without him, forever. Yes, forever. Forever without the poisonous toxin in your life.

 

Get massages and facials. Breathe. Soon enough you will see how much better you are without the pain and misery. You will get there. Eliminate him.

[sad puppy]

thanks, I've got stuck in the past, wishing I'd done this or that differently and feeling stuck now with the bad choices I made back then.

 

It really helps to hear what you're saying, I can only change what I do from here on in.

 

Yesterday I visited my grandfather, he's getting old and frail and it's painful to see, also my grandmother died two years ago, so it's sad to see him lonely and it reminded me of how when she died and I found out I was all alone, and all MM could do was send me an email and I had to go to the funeral on my own and it reopened all those old hurts and disappointments and reminded me of how he can't support me no matter what he's ever said about wanting to.

 

Behaviors matter, words are cheap. He sounds like a prick, dump him! He should've been there to help you in your grief. Please, dump this selfish lying cheater out of your life. Just cut him off, like chopping the head off of a snake. Just do it. Regain your personal power. You will be proud of yourself and that will help you feel better. Focus on his pathetic harmful behavior, don't forget it, focus on it. And kick his ass to the curb. Trust me, you'll feel great.

[myname]

You know, you're right, he is not a good man, I look back and I can barely see anytime I was actually happy and not stressed or concerned or anxious about something about him.

 

I made a list of reasons not to ever contact him again, regardless of what he does, and I filled a page of A4 no problem.

 

I think it's that I invested so much in it, I wanted so much from it, that there's been a desperation in me to find a way to make it work, for it to be good, to be alright, so I don't have to acknowledge what a mistake I made and I don't have to feel like I threw away and wasted all that time.

 

But by doing that I've been wasting more time, and it goes on... It's just painful, I need to accept that and move on and away. He's not been good for me at all. I look back and it's been the most painful damaging three years I've ever had.

[alexandria35]

He is a selfish piece of cr*p. If he had any love for you or his wife he would have put an end to this situation a long time ago. He made this as painful as he possibly could have without a care in the world for your feelings or his wifes feelings because he liked having a wife and a mistress. He makes me sick. He doesn't care about anyones feelings but his own. You are well rid of him and I pray that his wife sees the light of day and gets rid of him too.

[myname]

I think you are totally right, back in November 2010 I asked him to just make a choice, said I would respect it and all I wanted was that he decide he either wanted to be married and let me go or he wanted to divorce and I would support him through that, he waffled and went back and forth. It's my fault that I didn't see the signs then and let him and let it all continue, but even then I tried to break it off. I admit I obviously didn't try hard enough and I let it continue cos I hoped it meant he did want me but was finding it hard.

 

I am growing to realise he is just very selfish, where I've thought he was finding things difficult, all he really has wanted is to keep his wife and home safe and have me on the side. I'm cross with myself cos I know I've known this for far too long, I've even said it to him, but then I always ended up feeling sorry for him, feeling like he did want me but was in an impossible situation... shucks, I've been dumb about all that.

 

It seems so obvious when I get outside views on it all.

[hermione08]

He reminds me of my ex MM, a spineless coward if ever there was one. Recently I've lost my mum, and I bet that if he knew about it, he'd have sent me an e-mail saying something like "My thoughts are with you". And he'd done nothing to materially help me. These men are no use in times of real trouble, they're just good when things are light and fun.

Erase him from your life... :)

[sad puppy]

Many of us have made the same mistake, life happens, it's not black or white or easy at times. I never felt guilt and still don't. The more time I spent with xMM, the more I saw how inherently selfish he was. It took a long time because you can't spend a ton of time with them. So, don't beat yourself up, it takes time to get a read on their behavior, but once you do, ... BAM, it's all comes together. I was able to put together his actions and see how selfish he was, lying to his wife, lying to his young kids, lying to me, but guess who he never betrayed? His frickin friends. The more I saw how he spent his life, the more I saw the level of betrayal he could could manage, the more I started to really dislike him as a man.

 

What helped me during NC was reminding myself how, even if we were together, I would never trust him, being a cheater and liar was embedded in his core, as a human being. He's an attorney, lol. Keep focusing on these types of poor qualities, it will help you stay strong.

 

He's accustomed to you running to him, drop him like a dead weight. Who wants a man that is capable of that kind of betrayal for three years? He's a scum dog. You don't want someone like that. Forget about time wasted, now, you are waking up! Begin now, begin to take the steps to move on, without this noose around your neck. The sooner you begin, the sooner you will get out of it altogether!

[myname]

It helps to speak to you all, thanks, it's giving me the strength to get through this evening better than I was.

 

I'm determind not to reach out to him, that's in some ways easy, it'll be hard if/when he gets in touch with me, that's always in the past been the time when I've given in.

 

I know from some of your back stories that you've been through all this and worse too, how long does it take to get better, how long has it been for you to feel like there's more to life than him and all that, when you do have no contact?

 

I'm scared cos the times I've done no contact at all I've been such a broken mess, that then when he contacts me I've been grateful for it, but if I can hope that while the no contact will be painful that there's a better future the other side if I can keep it up then it'll help me stick to it.

[hermione08]

I have been NC for 5 weeks and it's getting better every day. I spend time with friends and with other nice people. The fact that I do not have to deal with lies and emotional dependency is really a breath of fresh air. I still think of him, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

It is the same as dealing with an addiction. Hard, but you get stronger as time goes by. You can do it!!!!

[myname]

That sounds good, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, and after you mum dying so soon as well.

 

Thanks so much for all the support I've had this evening, it's really helped me feel less alone and like I can get over this and enjoy life again.

 

I'm off to bed now (I'm in England, it's not that late but I'm tired from the emotional upheaval I've put myself through today and want a better day tomorrow and feel a good night's sleep will help) but I'm so glad I posted tonight, it's been so much more help to me than I even expected and I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully to let you all know I'm doing a little bit better and looking after myself well.

 

thanks. x

[sad puppy]

Myname - there is no specific timetable but I believe once you make up your mind that you are finished with the hurtful behavior and you dedicate yourself to a happier life, that is day you begin to move on, at that very moment.

 

I never declared NC, I just did it. I was sick and tired of his waffling (mine actually left). I believe he was stringing me along while trying to figure out what to do while he was separated, I just couldn't take it anymore, I was becoming someone I didn't like. So I left on New Years day, yeah, there were a few days that I really missed him but I never broke NC.

 

Then he contacted me, just about six months later. Yes, he was moving to divorce. I didn't initially respond but I then I did, a week later, with a head full of steam. That got some difficult emails, calls going.

 

You know what, at that same time, a family member was diagnosed with a very serious, chronic disease. I was upset at my work, and then didn't feel right. Blew off my heart palpitations, finally knew something was wrong, and sure enough, I just found out I've had heart attack. I'm on medicine, they say they can't fix the damage, and I'm still having palpitations, ... As I sit here typing. Not sure what's going on.

 

I say this because, quite frankly, I think it was two years of sustained emotional stress from the affair that has caused this. My blood pressure is good, so are all my blood tests - no high cholesterol. I am a smoker and need to get in shape, but only about ten lbs overweight. I do believe that the emotional stress caused my heart attack. This is why I referring to your MM as a toxic poison. Mine was.

 

And now I'm a cardiac heart patient at the age of 51.

[seren]

Myname, as others have said, there is no timetable on getting over hurt, it takes time and some days will be harder than others, but gradually it gets easier, until one day the hurt goes and the bad experience can be filed away under, not going to let that happen again. learn from what has happened and promise yourself that you wont let anyone hurt you like that again. Sounds easy, it isn't, but it will happen. I hope you remain NC with the MM, he doesn't sound like he is worth all the angst, but it might be that you want to reach out to him because you are hurt and need support. I hope you have someone IRL that can provide you with support without adding to your hurt, sounds like if you did reach out to him, he would just hurt you again further down the line.

 

Sad Puppy, sorry to hear you had a heart attack, palpitations are scary, thanks to new meds mine have been gone for almost a year. When they happened, I used to fill a sink with really cold water and quickly stick my face in it, it sometimes makes you gasp and this can stop them in their tracks. Coughing really hard can also stop them. I can understand that you will be afraid after the heart attack, get it checked out to be sure everything is OK and that they are 'just' palpitations. I had a heart attack when I was younger and have been on meds ever since, the weight gain is a pain in the butt, but they have helped stabilise my heartbeat. Stress is not good. I hope you are feeling better soon xx

[2sunny]

Quit the job without telling him. Change your number and email!

 

Poof! Just like that cut the cancer out of your life so you can move forward.

 

If I can do all that to a man I loved and was married to - YOU CAN do it with a man you're not married to!

 

Start today! Change everything!

 

I believe in you and I know you CAN do it IF you want a new life.

[sad puppy]

Thank you, Seren, for your kind words. The beta blockers have caused weight gain but that's all the doctor did, and I'm still having the palps, post heart attack so going to find another cardio. Thanks for the encouragement.

[myname]

Thanks to everyone's responses and your stories which helped me through a difficult evening.

 

I am also sorry to hear of the pain and ill health some of you have endured due to similar situations.

 

I am doing better, and much calmer due to having more distance on contact with him and all that was going on.

 

all the best to everyone.