Either we get married or she will leave me

[youngskywalker]

I really don't know where to start. G/F and I (two years) have been long distance for about a year and she's wanting to get married. I do love her, and overall we get along fine but I think we have several or more compatibility issues. They are things maybe we can overlook now but when we are married it's going to be an issue... I think.

 

So I'm going to lay out the top six issues we have. My question is; are these minor or MAJOR things that need to get discussed. Am I being blind to the fact we really aren't that compatible? Before I start let me say she is a wonderful, caring woman. I have almost nothing bad to say about her personally. It's more about how we mesh or don't mesh.

 

1- She's a social worker and wants to adopt kids one day. I really don't. I'm open for my heart to change but how I feel about it now is; no. We talked about it and she said, she's willing to wait until we have kids of our own before adoption. I told her I just can't promise something like that. IMO it's an unresolved issue but anytime I've asked to talk about she said there is nothing to talk about because we've been over it before.

 

2-She freaking hates my job. I work a seasonal job. 9 months on, 3 months off. During those 9 months I'm on call and don't take time off work. She hates it that I'm committed to my work. I try to explain to her that since this is my first year with the company I'm trying to prove myself that I'm a good worker. Days off is something you earn. We fight about this more than anything else.

 

3-She doesn't want to move where I'm living with a career. Sure, she says she's willing to move there as long as it's only for a couple of years and then we can move on. I explain to her there is no way of knowing how long we will stay. What if I get a really great promotion and make more money for the household? Am I just supposed to move because she want to be closer to her mom?

 

4-She is attached to her mom. She says she's willing to move to a different state but after a couple of years she wants to move near her parents.

 

5-We are not all that sexually compatible. No oral, giving or receiving, and when we have sex it gets done ASAP, after I finish she puts her undies back on like she is shameful of sex, her body or something else. But, when we are actually doing it, for those 5 minutes, it's really good.

 

6-Religion. We were both practicing christians when we met. Now I'm basically non-religious. It hasn't been too much of an issue with us but we don't talk about it much either. I feel uneasy that she could get religious on me at any given time. People take religion very seriously. I really don't want anything to do with it... or at least very little.

 

 

 

So let's have it. What is my next step. She wants to get married this winter but I don't think we are anywhere near ready. I'd like to hear mostly from married people with experience. This is serious. I'm close to letting this relationship go.

[pink_sugar]

I've been married 4 years and honestly, I would not enter a marriage or plan one if you are this unsure of the relationship. Are you long distance right now? Before getting married, I would live together or live closer together and give it some time to see how things will or won't work out. It sounds like there are already some concerns. From experience, it's been very difficult for me to accept my husband having a retail hours job to make ends meet while I work an office job. We virtually never have time together and it seems like before time together was taken for granted. I personally feel and have seen that it is difficult to have time to dedicate to a relationship where you are always working. My dad's exW is a workaholic and he tells me he doesn't want to date someone who's life revolves around work. I understand your point too...you haven't been with the company very long. I would move closer together...try and see if you can make time for her around your work hours to show her it's not just about work. But I would definitely agree not to enter a marriage if you are unsure. Live togethe or live closer first. I know from experience and others that usually there isn't a good outcome with marriages when you enter them already having issues.

[Radu]

I really don't know where to start. G/F and I (two years) have been long distance for about a year and she's wanting to get married. I do love her, and overall we get along fine but I think we have several or more compatibility issues. They are things maybe we can overlook now but when we are married it's going to be an issue... I think.

 

So I'm going to lay out the top six issues we have. My question is; are these minor or MAJOR things that need to get discussed. Am I being blind to the fact we really aren't that compatible? Before I start let me say she is a wonderful, caring woman. I have almost nothing bad to say about her personally. It's more about how we mesh or don't mesh.

 

1- She's a social worker and wants to adopt kids one day. I really don't. I'm open for my heart to change but how I feel about it now is; no. We talked about it and she said, she's willing to wait until we have kids of our own before adoption. I told her I just can't promise something like that. IMO it's an unresolved issue but anytime I've asked to talk about she said there is nothing to talk about because we've been over it before.

Tbh, i think you are wrong on this one, but to each his own.

 

2-She freaking hates my job. I work a seasonal job. 9 months on, 3 months off. During those 9 months I'm on call and don't take time off work. She hates it that I'm committed to my work. I try to explain to her that since this is my first year with the company I'm trying to prove myself that I'm a good worker. Days off is something you earn. We fight about this more than anything else.

What's your job ?

This is a major issue.

 

3-She doesn't want to move where I'm living with a career. Sure, she says she's willing to move there as long as it's only for a couple of years and then we can move on. I explain to her there is no way of knowing how long we will stay. What if I get a really great promotion and make more money for the household? Am I just supposed to move because she want to be closer to her mom?

 

4-She is attached to her mom. She says she's willing to move to a different state but after a couple of years she wants to move near her parents.

These 2 are a major problem.

You are not marrying her, you are also marrying her mom.

I've seen marriages get disolved by involvement of 'mommy dearest'.

 

5-We are not all that sexually compatible. No oral, giving or receiving, and when we have sex it gets done ASAP, after I finish she puts her undies back on like she is shameful of sex, her body or something else. But, when we are actually doing it, for those 5 minutes, it's really good.

Sounds like she is giving you sex and not making love to you.

Big problem.

 

6-Religion. We were both practicing christians when we met. Now I'm basically non-religious. It hasn't been too much of an issue with us but we don't talk about it much either. I feel uneasy that she could get religious on me at any given time. People take religion very seriously. I really don't want anything to do with it... or at least very little.

Does she know you feel this way about religion ... or are you worried because mommy dearest is religious ?

 

 

 

So let's have it. What is my next step. She wants to get married this winter but I don't think we are anywhere near ready. I'd like to hear mostly from married people with experience. This is serious. I'm close to letting this relationship go.

 

Don't get married.

1yr really together [LDR parts counts as less], you don't have common goals and her attitude with her mother is a big problem.

As a rule of thumb, engagement is a trial period for marriage.

And don't marry anyone you haven't lived with for a long time together.

[denise_xo]

The two of you are not ready to get married, there are too many red flags in what you write. Take one year, living in the same place, to see if you can hash out the issues between the two of you. But sexual compatibility is a huge one - DO NOT get married if this is not resolved. The child issue is also big - there's no right or wrong there, but there is also no compromise - you either adopt a child or you don't. With regard to children, you also need to discuss whether children should be raised religiously or not. If I were you, I would tell her everything you have told us, and suggest to her that the two of you need to go to couples' therapy to try to address these issues before you think of getting married. How she reacts to that will tell you a lot about how she handles challenges in a relationship. Don't accept 'there is nothing to talk about' - because those kind of issues need to be ironed out before tying the knot.

 

The working 24/7 thing can be a huge drain on a relationship (I'm saying this being the person who works a lot), so whether it is with this woman or another one later down the line, you probably want to think of long term strategies for balancing this better - particularly if you want to have children.

Edited August 26, 2012 by denise_xo

[youngskywalker]

I wonder why she doesn't see any of these being major red flags though. Any one of those could make for marriage problems, let alone all 6 at once. We've talked about all of them (at least lightly) and her response is lets just get married and everything will be fine.

 

I never saw the "mommy issue" to be a big deal but everyone else has been telling me it's a MAJOR issue, (even my mom said it wasn't good).

 

Fat chance that we'll ever be living together because of the religion thing. You know, gotta save face and look like a saint So maybe she can move to my city and we can be back together but just not live under the same roof.

 

I like the idea of pre marriage counseling. Maybe it would open her eyes to some things. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give us a fair shot. But I'm not stupid enough to just cross my fingers, get married and hope for the best.

 

I should also add, we've talked about our sexual compatibility and the things that are important to me in the bedroom and her response 100% of the time is if I just marry her I'll get whatever I want. That response makes me feel VERY uncomfortable that she is trying to convince me or trick me into marriage. It's not just about sex either. On other things her response has been "ring first". Can't think of any offhand but she does it.

Edited August 27, 2012 by youngskywalker

[RiverRunning]

For most people, I still think 2 years is too soon to get engaged (unless you're 40+) - and doubly so when it's a long-distance relationship. You have major, major issues going on here: religious differences being one. If you DO have children, religion will become an even bigger role. Have you discussed how you'd handle raising kids, discipline, schools you'd like them to attend, their religious upbringing?

 

She doesn't seem too keen on moving to be where you are. So, would it be possible for you to work where she's from? Either way, somebody here is going to have to sacrifice something major, which is why I'm very against LDRs. It sounds like she's already established in her career, and you're just starting out. Something to consider.

 

Your work sounds like it might be problematic. There's a thin line between 'devoted' to my job and 'a slave' to my job. Which is it? How many hours a week, on average, do you suspect you work during those 9 months? Would she really get to see you during the week, or would it more or less be a 'hi-and-bye' thing for a week or two at a time? That's going to cause huge issues in any relationship.

 

My feeling is that you guys shouldn't get married, at least not right now.

[irin]

sorry but you are at fault!

 

why have you stayed two year with someone that you dont see a future with? if you are unhappy with so many things you should have broken up before. and my advise is no dont get married, your obviously not happy with her.

[irin]

I never saw the "mommy issue" to be a big deal but everyone else has been telling me it's a MAJOR issue, (even my mom said it wasn't good).

 

why you calling this mummy issues, alot of people cant bear to be away from their families, it called love!

 

I should also add, we've talked about our sexual compatibility and the things that are important to me in the bedroom and her response 100% of the time is if I just marry her I'll get whatever I want. That response makes me feel VERY uncomfortable that she is trying to convince me or trick me into marriage. It's not just about sex either. On other things her response has been "ring first". Can't think of any offhand but she does it.

 

this sounds as though she bargaining with sex, but given her religious views i think she just feels guilty, i dont think she using this to trick, but shes actually serious, she sounds way to ashamed of your sexual activities. she wasnt a virgin before you, was she?

[Radu]

I wonder why she doesn't see any of these being major red flags though. Any one of those could make for marriage problems, let alone all 6 at once. We've talked about all of them (at least lightly) and her response is lets just get married and everything will be fine.

Because she did not have marriage rolemodel to see when she grew up, during her formative yrs; or if she had one, it was heavily based on the type of model she is trying to show to you.

 

I never saw the "mommy issue" to be a big deal but everyone else has been telling me it's a MAJOR issue, (even my mom said it wasn't good).

Because it's normal for kids to be independent in thought of their parents after a certain age.

It starts during the teen yrs, you get your 'freedom' during college and maybe even sow some wild oats if you want to, and after that you talk to your parents, you ask for their opinions, but you are a separate individual.

Unfortunately some parents do not allow their kids to go as far as this, they make sure [generally through psychological manipulation] that the now adult stays attached.

This is a problem because :

- it means that the kid grew up in a house where psychological manipulation was abundant, and it's even worse if she's a girl [women are more likely to psychologically manipulate and abuse than men are]

- she is controlled; this means that her mom has more of a say on what she does with her life in her own house than you do as her husband.

It's like selecting a president who is a known enemy agent ... you don't give that much power over you.

 

This is a complex issue and and it would have helped to give what her cultural background is and your ages, and what country you guys live in.

 

Fat chance that we'll ever be living together because of the religion thing. You know, gotta save face and look like a saint So maybe she can move to my city and we can be back together but just not live under the same roof.

Then the religion thing is more of a problem than you made it out to be in your OP.

 

I like the idea of pre marriage counseling. Maybe it would open her eyes to some things. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give us a fair shot. But I'm not stupid enough to just cross my fingers, get married and hope for the best.

Believe it or not, many are this stupid.

My cousin was this stupid, the girl had mommy issue and her mom was a hugely materialistic.

They are getting a divorce because 'mommy dearest' asked for it.

She even came to their own home when she saw the divorce wasn't going her way, and told my cousin [yelling] that 'you will never see your son you son of a bitch', there were more insults. Need i mention that her biological father was the subject of parental alienation, a smear campaign and information sent to the secret police during the communist regime we had here ?

 

I should also add, we've talked about our sexual compatibility and the things that are important to me in the bedroom and her response 100% of the time is if I just marry her I'll get whatever I want. That response makes me feel VERY uncomfortable that she is trying to convince me or trick me into marriage. It's not just about sex either. On other things her response has been "ring first". Can't think of any offhand but she does it.

irin has a point, she could be saying it because she feels guilt, and is holding back.

Try to do the counseling part, and spend some face time together ... talk things through.

Let her know how important it is for you to hash these things out before marriage.

Marriage is like the cherry on top, it doesn't make the cake, but it looks good.

The foundation is there before that.

 

These are the issues that personally worry me :

- sexual incompatibility in terms of libido, what you are comfortable in bed or not.

This will become a major issue in 5-10yrs after marriage so you can sabotage your long term prospects in marriage.

It also depends on her age a lot [biological factors].

- religious incompatibility

- mommy dearest influence [move away from her]

You can gauge the above two if you get her to talk about your childhoods, by looking at the relationship between her parents.

- she made an ultimatum.

You do not give into ultimatums, that's why countries don't negociate with terrorists.

You can in this instance make it dependant on living together and getting some pre-marital counseling though.

But it's still a major thing.

[TaraMaiden]

The answer's simple.

Tell her you in no way feel ready to be married yet.

If that doesn't sit well with her, tell her it's the way it is. You will not be cornered into a marriage where you feel you barely know one another...

The answer's no. Not for the foreseeable future.

 

THEN - See if she leaves.

[denise_xo]

I wonder why she doesn't see any of these being major red flags though. Any one of those could make for marriage problems, let alone all 6 at once. We've talked about all of them (at least lightly) and her response is lets just get married and everything will be fine.

 

I never saw the "mommy issue" to be a big deal but everyone else has been telling me it's a MAJOR issue, (even my mom said it wasn't good).

 

Fat chance that we'll ever be living together because of the religion thing. You know, gotta save face and look like a saint So maybe she can move to my city and we can be back together but just not live under the same roof.

 

I like the idea of pre marriage counseling. Maybe it would open her eyes to some things. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give us a fair shot. But I'm not stupid enough to just cross my fingers, get married and hope for the best.

 

I should also add, we've talked about our sexual compatibility and the things that are important to me in the bedroom and her response 100% of the time is if I just marry her I'll get whatever I want. That response makes me feel VERY uncomfortable that she is trying to convince me or trick me into marriage. It's not just about sex either. On other things her response has been "ring first". Can't think of any offhand but she does it.

 

To the first bold: that attitude is extremely problematic, as well as unrealistic. Perhaps part of it is naivety, if the two of you are relatively young, but getting married just don't solve any problems. If you haven't managed to address key issues before getting married, they're likely to get worse over time because they will solidify and cause resentment over time. I think it is very important that she acknowledges the potentially destructive results of her approach to 'problem solving' before she ties the knot. You're not going to last a life time if her approach to problem solving is avoidance.

 

To the second bold: Good. Keep it that way!

 

To the third bold: Again, that attitude is very unrealistic, and she seems to have a very immature view on sex. Aside from the obvious 'blackmail', she just doesn't seem to have much of an understanding of the role that sex plays in a relationship, and how sexual incompatibility can seriously undermine a marriage. If she is young, it's not so strange if she doesn't - I didn't really comperehend that when I married because I had never really experienced sexual incompatibility before and therefore didn't recognise it and all its implications (and we have struggled as a result of that). But then that is just another reason why it would be extremely important for the two of you (and probably with the help of a counsellor) to talk through all of these things and properly address them before getting married. So, if I were you I would tell her that i) you don't think that's a very serious approach to the problem you are raising and you need her to engage more properly with this because it could seriously threaten your relationship in the long term, and ii) that you refuse to have sex used as a pawn. However, if she has lots of religious guilt issues with regard to sex (that's a huge red flag in itself), then I would ask her flat out why she then decided to have sex with you in the first place if she thinks it is so wrong. Has she previously expressed that she wouldn't have sex before marriage and then changed her mind?

 

On the mother issue: I think the devil really is in the detail here. I think it is very common, and normal, that many people want to live close to their families. Although I normally love travelling and have lived across five continents, at the moment it important to me to not live too far from my mother since her health isn't great and she's increasingly needing help with various stuff. However, I consider that a very different thing from someone who will, for example, bring their mother in as a third party to a marriage. It's not really clear from the information you have given what her relationship to her mother is. I don't think it's bad per se that she wants to be close to her, but it really depends on what kind of dynamics are being played out.

 

I would also echo what RiverRunning said about your job. I think that, almost no matter who you are with, you will need to find a better balance and have a proper think about how you relate to work. I say this as a workaholic, so I understand where you might be coming from - but most people won't (very understandably) put up with a person who, over long periods, consistently prioritise their job over their family. If you are not willing to change and reconsider that aspect of your life, then you need to look for a partner who has the same approach to work as you do.

[pink_sugar]

 

I should also add, we've talked about our sexual compatibility and the things that are important to me in the bedroom and her response 100% of the time is if I just marry her I'll get whatever I want. That response makes me feel VERY uncomfortable that she is trying to convince me or trick me into marriage. It's not just about sex either. On other things her response has been "ring first". Can't think of any offhand but she does it.

 

BAD idea! My mom promised my dad more sex if he'd marry her and he readily agreed because he was a sex addict (still is). Needless to say, their marriage wasn't great, they divorced later and my dad resents her for giving him 2 kids to support. Don't do it!

[pteromom]

DEFINITELY do not get married.

 

Some of the stuff you mentioned can be negotiated, but some can't.

 

Personally, I would go ahead and break off the relationship, because you have some very basic incompatibilities that aren't likely to change.

[Silly_Girl]

Please OP, I implore you. Read the responses.

 

Things might be 'fine' now, but the issue of the future is going to come back again, and again, and again. Things will eventually get hostile and difficult. And you both will have over-invested... I know it's hard, but think of the longer term. Try and deal with this sooner rather than later would be my advice.

[lil hoodlum]

Just my opinion, her general attitude seems very selfish. Marriage should be a compromise, not just one person getting what they want. Partners should "meet" the needs of the other willingly as an expression for the love for each other.

 

I believe you are right to question things now.

[norajane]

With that list of issues, I can't even imagine why you would consider getting married. Many, if not all, of those issues are deal-breakers and will lead to a divorce should you marry.

[Lauriebell82]

These are major issues, however they can be worked out if you are both open to compromise. About 75% of marriage is about compromise and understanding. The two of you don't seem like you have either. That IMO is the biggest problem with your relationship. Neither of you seem open to compromise, you are both set on your opinions and feelings on each subject. That will not change when you get married. If you can't work these issues out then your marriage will be in trouble.

 

I advise against marriage at this time, until you are able to work these issues out. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound probable.

 

As far as marriage talk, I think you need to sit your girlfriend down and tell her exactly what you told us. That the issues you have with the relationship don't seem to be able to be resolved and until they do you do not think marriage is a good idea. If she wants to marry you, then she will be open to compromise..however you have to be open as well.

[xxoo]

The sex and location issues will haunt you if you marry.

 

She sounds like a great person---for someone else. If she leaves you because you won't marry her, she is probably making a wise choice. She wants to be married, and your relationship is not suited for marriage.

[strongnrelaxed]

I think that the main problem is not your relationship situation - it is a symptom. The fact that you have to ask this question here is telling me a lot about your judgment.

 

Don't take this as a dig or insult. If I had bad breath I would want my friends to tell me before I inflict it on the rest of the world!

 

So, you are clearly in a relationship that is not good. Your instincts are telling you to get out, which is probably why you posted this here. People are telling you (most of them it seems) to run.

 

What are you waiting for? The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

[Axee]

you arent sure...... the topics u raised will worm into ur brain...... nd get biger nd bigger....... leave my friend

[pink_sugar]

Any update, Op?

[Lucky_One]

Luke, you have been posting here for 2 years about the incompatibility issues in your R with this girl. What does THAT tell you?

 

The sex issue will kill the marriage. The location issue will kill the marriage.

 

Why do brides and grooms smile walking down the aisle? She smiles because she knows she has given her last blowjob, and he smiles because he doesn't know this yet.

[AnotherRound]

I haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if I repeat what anyone else has said.

 

Your thread caught my eye bc it is EXACTLY what happened to a good friend of mine - who is now in the process of a divorce. He was dating a girl and she told him that she didn't "date" anyone longer than a year without getting engaged. He wasn't ready to get engaged, wasn't sure he wanted to, but also wasn't ready to let the relationship go. They got engaged.

 

Then, she told him that she doesn't stay engaged to anyone longer than a year without getting married. Again, he wasn't ready to get married - wasn't sure if he wanted to. He had noticed some things about her that he didn't exactly "like", and some things that he thought might be issues in a LT relationship. But again, he wasn't ready to end the relationship. They got married.

 

Not only does he feel like (and has felt their entire relationship now, 21 years!) he was manipulated into this arrangement, but she has continued to manipulate him throughout all of those years. In order to get what she wants from him, she offers him these polar ultimatums - one or the other, NOW, or else!

 

He was happy-ish for about the first 5 years of the relationship - the other 16? Miserable. Those things he noticed early that he thought would be LT problems? They were - he was right, his gut was right. He knew from the beginning that she was "wrong" for him, but there wasn't really anything "big" enough in his mind to end the relationship.

 

They are now going through a divorce from a marriage that he never really wanted, never really enjoyed, and he has wasted 21 years of his life (his words) with someone bc he was sort of emotionally blackmailed all those years ago. He has NEVER forgiven her for forcing the situation. He has never forgiven himself for giving in to her and allowing himself to be bullied by her into things he didn't want.

 

If I was you, I would cut my losses now, before it gets any more entangled. Don't marry bc she is threatening you - and don't wait to "see if it gets better" by just going along. Because before you know it, you will have a house, children, and everything else all tied up to her - and then it will be REALLY difficult to get out when you finally admit that you never wanted to be there in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

I really don't know where to start. G/F and I (two years) have been long distance for about a year and she's wanting to get married. I do love her, and overall we get along fine but I think we have several or more compatibility issues. They are things maybe we can overlook now but when we are married it's going to be an issue... I think.

 

So I'm going to lay out the top six issues we have. My question is; are these minor or MAJOR things that need to get discussed. Am I being blind to the fact we really aren't that compatible? Before I start let me say she is a wonderful, caring woman. I have almost nothing bad to say about her personally. It's more about how we mesh or don't mesh.

 

1- She's a social worker and wants to adopt kids one day. I really don't. I'm open for my heart to change but how I feel about it now is; no. We talked about it and she said, she's willing to wait until we have kids of our own before adoption. I told her I just can't promise something like that. IMO it's an unresolved issue but anytime I've asked to talk about she said there is nothing to talk about because we've been over it before.

 

2-She freaking hates my job. I work a seasonal job. 9 months on, 3 months off. During those 9 months I'm on call and don't take time off work. She hates it that I'm committed to my work. I try to explain to her that since this is my first year with the company I'm trying to prove myself that I'm a good worker. Days off is something you earn. We fight about this more than anything else.

 

3-She doesn't want to move where I'm living with a career. Sure, she says she's willing to move there as long as it's only for a couple of years and then we can move on. I explain to her there is no way of knowing how long we will stay. What if I get a really great promotion and make more money for the household? Am I just supposed to move because she want to be closer to her mom?

 

4-She is attached to her mom. She says she's willing to move to a different state but after a couple of years she wants to move near her parents.

 

5-We are not all that sexually compatible. No oral, giving or receiving, and when we have sex it gets done ASAP, after I finish she puts her undies back on like she is shameful of sex, her body or something else. But, when we are actually doing it, for those 5 minutes, it's really good.

 

6-Religion. We were both practicing christians when we met. Now I'm basically non-religious. It hasn't been too much of an issue with us but we don't talk about it much either. I feel uneasy that she could get religious on me at any given time. People take religion very seriously. I really don't want anything to do with it... or at least very little.

 

 

 

So let's have it. What is my next step. She wants to get married this winter but I don't think we are anywhere near ready. I'd like to hear mostly from married people with experience. This is serious. I'm close to letting this relationship go.

 

Don't get married. The sex thing? HUGE. Imagine what your sex life will be once you have a few kids of your own plus an adopted child as well.

 

You two have two different outlooks on life. Not sure how your lives will mesh. Let alone the communication skills..She talks, you listen. She doesn't seem to want to compromise either.

 

Why the big rush to get married? Even more so since most of your R has been long distance.

 

Forcing you to marry her or she'll end it is not a healthy way of dealing with this.

[tigressA]

"Let's just get married and it will make everything better!" That along with the refusals to really discuss the issues in the relationship combine to create the perspective of an immature, self-centered girl, not a mature, considerate adult woman. OP, I too have seen your other threads about your relationship and you should end it. ASAP.