After NC, opened communication. Now What?

[Eagle55]

The main question I have is I recently went through NC to give myself time to accept the breakup and better myself. I want my ex back for sure (after taking time to see if it was what I really wanted.), but I have used NC to give her space as well and better myself. We separated two months ago. The first few weeks were filled with me remaining in contact. Not nagging but making it clear I was trying to fix the relationship. It wasn't extremely needy but it definitely didn't help my case in which I now have come to realize through research. I basically had LC for those weeks and wrote a large letter explaining I understood why she did what she did b/c I wouldn't have been able to see it any other way. I also included what I felt the problems were and how I wanted to change them for me because I had gotten away from them. So I would say the first three weeks after the breakup were filled with me still being somewhat present through text/calls (usually 2-3 times a week). Once I decided to start accepting the situation, I went no contact and began working on myself and actually fixing the problems. I worked out, got a part time job, starting seeing my family/friends again, and doing what initially made me happy. She never stopped me from doing any of that, she wanted that for me. I just lost me somewhere down the line. The breakup was not nasty and had no harsh feelings. So I waited 5 weeks and realized I still cared about her the same. During the break I didn't contact her in any way an I went out and enjoyed myself. We are still friends on facebook and I know she sees I have been going and doing. She isn't dating or talking to anyone either. We have mutual friends (her roomate is my best friends g/f).

 

So basically, I called her Thursday and just kept it casual and upbeat. I asked how her job was going, family, and our dog. She asked how I had been and I told her I just got another job and I had been good, etc. I kept it short and told her it was good to catch up and for her to feel free to call/text me sometime because I had to run. The band I manage was playing in town this past weekend and I even said you should come to the show, I know everyone would love to see you. She said yea I might do that and her tone was better than previous conversations from the weeks before. I didn't take anything to heart and I knew with having mutual friends it wouldn't be too much. She has been hanging out with one my friends g/f randomly here lately and they have became some sort of best friends. I knew that couple was coming so I assumed she would too. She has asked friends how I have been and what I have been up to. She didn't contact me but I just don't see her doing that (how she is). She may feel the same way she has from the start but I would like to think I have handled myself well over the last several weeks to establish value back in her eyes. She was with that couple on Friday and she didn't end up coming Saturday but the couple did. I had a great time regardless b/c I had no expectations. I just want to establish a way that we can communicate once again and see if we can find a spark again. I am back to my old self and know I can make her happy. I now know it isn't about fixing the relationship, it's only about starting something fresh. I believe hanging out or her seeing me is the only way for her to see I have changed. Thoughts?

[Texas90]

You'll get the people who say all of this is positive yada yada, but in reality, you need to know how she feels about finding the spark again. Your friends gf should be able to get that information for you.

 

The dumped always look at it with hope, I'm there, I'll show her etc, but the dumper has ended it because they really don't want to be with us. Not just cause they had a feeling one day but they had a sustained feeling. I think in reality that feeling really kills the desire for passion with the dumpee regardless of the dumpees improvement.

 

I could be wrong but I think it gets to the point where they see us as okay/good and other potential mates as great/fantastic no matter how misguided they may be. The best thing to do in either case is remove any pressure and alow her mind to change naturally, don't force anything or suggest anything. Only if her mind changes naturally without your input will it have a meaningful outcome.

 

But hey, I'm just a guy on a forum!