I dumped her hard and now want her back! I am a better man!

[greenie]

I can't believe I'm doing this but I need some good advice. I dated her for a year and a half on and off. We were off mainly b/c I have issues with holding women to unreal expectations (Which I'm seeing a counselor about now). She was TOTALLY in love with me, and I wasn't sure I was with her. I feel that I was at a distance b/c she wanted me to love her like she did with me. It would make her so insecure that her behavior was erratic to me.

 

Anyway, I broke up with her finally about 3.5 months ago, and she went back to dating a guy she met the time we broke up before. She told me she dated him while we were apart "just to get over me."

 

I started thinking about things lately and realized how much I did, and do love her. I just was too immature and held her to high standards she could never live up to. We talked and met a few times, but she was now not sure if we could continue, b/c of the back and forth of our past relationship. I told her I was wrong about alot of things in the past (mistake?) and that I have changed and matured (which I feel I have). She had always encouraged me to attend therapy with a counselor like she did when I had problems with things, but I never did. I started and soon realized that it was so good for me to talk to a professional, instead of my biased friends and family.

 

She told me yesterday how hard it was to decide what to do. She said nobody kissed her like I did. (We made out at one of our recent meetings) I fear that by spilling my guts to her has now turned her off to me, and the excitement is gone with me. She says her new, older boyfriend is "more stable and mature."

 

I know how different things would be with us now, honestly. I never promised her anything in the past regarding how I changed or how I would do things differently to get back with her. She always wanted me back badly. This time I may have lost her, and I know we would be great together b/c we always were except when I would overreact with my high standards.

 

FYI I am 30, she 31, new guy 35.

 

What's up with us?

[jw32802]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU ARE MY BOYFRIEND to a TEE. wow! i was hoping someone like him would get on here! How did you treat her when you dated and what the hell MADE YOU FINALLY WAKE UP? lol. Im just curious why you finally realized how great she was? did you date others? and was it just now that you're coming around??

[jw32802]

And also have you 2 talked in between this time or did she cut contact

[greenie]

Haha wouldn't that be funny? Here's what I did. I feel I am typical. I am a child of divorced parents, and I am looking for a PERFECT girl. I held her to unreal expectations and would constantly get let down.

 

She knew this and constantly tried to be better for me, which turned me on. I guess I got caught up in what she was doing for me, and never realized that she kicked major ass!

 

I dated a few girls after we broke up and NONE of them compared to her. I guess that helped me wise up.

[greenie]

I dumped her, so I cut contact. She emailed me here and there trying to entice me with things. I basically drove her into the arms of this new guy!! She told me he wanted to marry her and that it was pushing her away (at first). I have come to find now, unfortunately that she loves him now, although it's a "different kind of love, more mature" She has told me she would never love someone as much as me. She said it was not healthy, almost stalkerish.

[jw32802]

Oh my god jesus christ i would swear you are him, but im from jersey. that is what he did. i changed everything for him. although some things were good things, like i was gaining weight and i did lose that and i look awesome now, and workout but he'd say stuff about my nose and a small mole i had etc etc but he would say he loved me blah blah. we broke up and hes with someone new but still tells me he loevs me blah blah. (i dumped himcuz i couldnt stand the whole game). wow! so how long did you date someone else? email me [email protected]

[greenie]

I date girls for either one or two dates or we get into a relationship, if she likes me that is. I know pretty quickly.

 

None of the ones after her were more than two dates. They all sucked!!!

[wandering1]

Have you tried opening up and letting her know about all of this. Why you did act the way you did, what changed, how you really feel about her, etc. If so, give her a little time. I have been in the same kind of relationship as well. I know when my ex figured out what he wanted I had thought I moved on. And I was still pissed at him for the way he treated me. But after a few weeks, I softened and realized I loved him. But just be REAL sure...because we got back together, everything was great and then he panicked and ran again.,..

[greenie]

yeah I thought about that. I don't think you can be 100% it will work, but I do know that I will be much better in the relationship. I did tell her exactly how i felt. I plan on NOT contacting her until she does me. That is the only way it can work. It is hard not to call her though. She was my best friend. (sniffle, sniffle) Hahaha

[greenie]

jw i just tried yahoo messengin ya

[jw32802]

Hey sorry, i went out for a bit w/ some people, i needed to get out

 

So yes you are just like my ex...he wanted perfection; the girl he is with now isnt even perfection, but he just likes having someone want him i think. Anyway yes he drove me insane..did you bring your girl out w/ your friends and introduce to your family? Also how many months was it apart that you realized you wanted her bacK?

[nikkicam71]

Greenie...I hope like HELL my ex bf changes gears the way that you have! He dumped me for no real reason, stress in his life, starting a new business, etc. I am older than he is (I am 32, he is 25) but that had never been a problem w/ us...we both had the same goals and direction in life, values, what we wanted for our futures matched, etc. I was close to his family, he was close to mine, he was very close to my son, etc. Anyway, long story short, the last month that we were together, he hella pulled away...very distant, not affectionate, said it wasn't me or us...too much stress (his dad died a year ago and he took on alot of responsibility, in addition to trying to carve out his own niche in life). Anyway, said he just wasn't happy w/ his life in general, not us, didn't know where he was going career-wise, etc. We ended up having "the talk"; I told him his distance was making me unhappy, hurting me, etc. He ended up breaking it off...said he didn't want to tell me he just needed time, and he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Said I would be happier with someone else. We both cried. Two days later I tried to work it out, didn't want to live without him...figured we should work thru it together. COMPLETELY different attitude...cold, mean, said this was what he really wanted, he wasn't "feeling it", etc. I was SO hurt...he said horrible things. I couldn't believe it was the man I fell in love with. Six days later I sent him an email and really told him how he made me feel...I did alot for this man, I am truly a wonderful, honest person and I never did ANYTHING to deserve the way he treated me. Two weeks later he emailed back, told me how sorry he was for everything, for hurting me....said he'd been thinking about us and what we were. He called three days later...told me with all of the stress in his life, "we" were the only thing he had the control to change. Wanted to be "friends". From that point on, he called twice a week (I never called him). After five weeks of this ****, I couldn't take it anymore. Told him I couldn't be friends...I never wanted the breakup and talking to him was giving me false hope. Told him that unless he missed me and wanted to see me, unless he wanted to see where things might go w/ us, don't call me anymore. He apologized for causing me more pain, said if I was ever ok w/ being friends, please call..."whichever comes first" was what he said. It has been 17 days, no contact.

 

What I want to know is, HOW did you and your ex start talking again? How long had you been broken up before you realized you'd really messed up? During my conversations w/ my ex, he would often go on and on about what a wonderful person I am, how much he admires me, how grateful he is for everything I've done, etc. I guess I'm just wondering what the chances are now that I've cut off contact that he might finally realize that he's screwed up the best thing that ever happened to either of us.

 

sorry this is so long!!!

 

~Nikki

[greenie]

Nikki, thanks for your feedback!

 

I guess I had had alot of time to just think about things and what I had done wrong (or could've done better) that I just reached out to her again. It was after I dated a few other girls in the meantime, about 3 months. They all couldn't compare to her as a person, so I realized what I lost with her.

 

Except I literally pushed her into a new relationship by telling her to focus on this new guy and NOT ME!! DUH!!

 

I guess its as simple as when one person pushes, the other withdraws, and vice versa. She pushed very hard in our relationship, b/c she was more experienced than I and knew what we had was so special. I took it for granted.

 

My advice is to lay low and try going out with someone else. That's all you can do. The dumper must initiate the next contact IMO.

[jw32802]

I agree

 

I think that dating other people is key to finding out who you really love. i think you become so comfortable with one person and you just assume that the rest of the girls out there are as good or better and then when you get out there you realize that what you had is really the best there is. I at least hope that is true.

 

So 3 months it took you, that seems about right

[jw32802]

greenie

 

so even though you broke up with this girl and thought you didnt want her anymore, you STILL thought of her when on other dates? Even though you didnt think you wanted her. I guess because there truly were alot of things you liked about her that you just didnt realize till later. Good luck to you

[Kate]

wow, like JW's, you are ALSO my ex! he is immature, but sweet and kind...he took me for granted as i cherished him. he confused adoration with neediness -- before i gave him a chance and dated him, i was his DREAM WOMAN. then we got involved, and all i was was disappointed. his behavior was all avoidance/detachment mixed with spurts of scary love -- very connected, amazingly healthy feelings. his behavior made mine SO erratic, as i became gravely insecure. i am usually overly confident, but sweet and self-monitoring as well. UGH. i turned into the devil, and the potential for what we had was great.

 

Greenie, just like you said, she was more mature than you. I have been around the world, dated many men, and knew/know a good thing when i have it. he underappreciated me so much, it just never made sense and still doesn't. thank you for your post. this explains everything.

 

JW -- give your ex at LEAST one month with NO CONTACT. i'm looking at the 2 month mark myself -- and by the time i get there, i won't want him anyway.

 

Greenie -- i want to help you. you have a LOT of work cut out for you -- but you can get her back. you must prove your strength and maturity, somehow. if you really want her, just make sure YOU ARE READY -- and that you don't just want her cause she is gone. my ex made this mistake, and it just hurt me more. after a brief time apart, a couple of weeks, he got scared and said he wanted to try again...but that he ALSO" needed time and space. NO. i called it off for good last week, but messed up by texting him 2 times friday night drunk. but, at least i wasn't sober!!! anyway, you have to do alllll of the things that you didn't do before. she is going to have some trust issues with you. i wish you could kick my ex in his as.s.

 

like you, my ex is now hanging out with the boys -- (his friends are all in love with me with the exception of ONE who hates me for no reason at all) -- so i'm sure that he is feeling from their comments about me and how great they think i am. he is going to the bars, meeting stupid recent college grads -- he is 26, i'm 25. the girls around here are nothing at all -- they don't compare to me (screw sounding boastful, this is anonymous and i don't ACT the way i'm talking) and i have no problem saying it. i'm not worried he'll date someone else, i'm upset cause he's not WITH ME. i want him to date someone else....so he can puke after a couple of dates.

 

the way i see it JW, both of our ex's will come full circle as soon as the summer is over and their fun times are gone. they will get seasonal depression and try hard to get us back. listen, if you are really that great, a guy won't let you go -- he will realize just like greenie did.

 

if she loves you, greenie, you can probably get her back. but i can't say for sure, the hurt and feelings of rejection may be pretty deep. i know mine are. all i want right now is for him to FEEL....but i DO pray for him at night before bed to be happy...

[greenie]

Kate, help me baby!

 

I'm all yours. I plan on no contact, just like you. It's healthy, though not easy. I may not want her in a month, but right now I doubt it. I have a feeling this new guy is doing the OPPOSITE of the bad things I did, like being very into her, wanting to marry her (????!!!!), and including her in his whole life right away!! To me he sounds a little needy himself, but I may be wrong. She told me at first he wanted to marry her right away and it was pushing her away!! BTW she's 31, he's 35 (I think). What's up with that??

[Kate]

she is at an awkward age herself -- she is trying to decide if/when/who she will spend the rest of her life with. she wants something mature. all you can do is initiate platonic meetings with her. i did that with my ex after he wanted time apart, JUST to see if he still had that spark in his eyes for me -- he did. i should have left it there for him to contact me and i didn't, but that is another story.

 

you have to make some kind of effort here or she will never know you changed. listen, love doesn't change. here's how: i once dated this guy and immediately fell head over heals for him. we saw eachother on the street, moved toward eachother, and went to coffee for 8 hours. i was never so connecting to someone in my life. we spent a lot of time togheter but didn't live near eachother. i didn't listen to the fact that he wouldn't be exculsive to me, i ASSUMED. so 3 months later i found out through snooping that he had a gf in chicago that he had also told he wasn't going to be exclusive, but SHE also assumed! long story short, i felt betrayed and that i would never talk to him again. it was ugly! i called the other girl, told her everything, and sent him packing from my house he was visiting at the time!! i vowed to never ever talk to him again. then we made amends and had an amazing platonic time -- with some serious kissing though -- last weekend. our connection never ever went away. geddit? it doesn't matter what you do, you can still get back together. but you have to initiate it ESPECIALLY if you were the one who abandoned her!!! please!!! i called it off with my ex last week because i didn't feel he wanted me badly enough (read my situation). if he is feeling like you, and won't take the initiative to contact me, i will NEVER EVER EVER get back with him. at this point, i just want a nice rebound to forget about him for good.

 

so, here is my suggestion -- if you are a decent writer, write her a long, sincere and descriptive letter. do it with the sole intention of her forgiving you, not taking you back. send it to her with a thoughtful bouquet of flowers, but nothing cheesy. make it personal, but also platonic. women thrive on knowing you want their FRIENDSHIP. that's what i suggest before something clicks in her head and she thinks you never wanted her bad enough. i'm afraid my ex will act just like you are now -- scared to contact me. all i really want is for him to serenade me or something and write me a letter.

[Blah Toolz]

Originally posted by Kate

so, here is my suggestion -- if you are a decent writer, write her a long, sincere and descriptive letter. do it with the sole intention of her forgiving you, not taking you back. send it to her with a thoughtful bouquet of flowers, but nothing cheesy. make it personal, but also platonic. women thrive on knowing you want their FRIENDSHIP. that's what i suggest before something clicks in her head and she thinks you never wanted her bad enough. i'm afraid my ex will act just like you are now -- scared to contact me. all i really want is for him to serenade me or something and write me a letter.

 

You're telling me if the guy that you dumped wrote you a letter... or serenaded you, that you would take him back?

 

How long have you guys been apart, and what caused the break-up?

[Kate]

we were friends for 3 years, he always had a thing for me but was in a relaitonship at the time. after his breakup we hung out and started dating for 7 months. read my other post about what happened. he took me for granted, made me feel alone, i am the best thing that came his way - just like greenie's situation.

 

listen, all women want is to be CHERISHED. they want a man who will willingly make a fool out of himself -- it shows strength, character, confidence. no one wants a coward. if you messed up, fix it. don't sit back and make it the woman's fault. women want to be boldly chased. if you can do it with a smile on your face, not EXPECTING to get her back, but hoping that you can earn her heart a little bit....you will eventually be in. women want to be respected and cherished. and chased. may the best man win.....

 

if he did something great for me, realized what he lost and tried to fix it i would take him back right now...i think. i don't know cause he didn't do it. the point is if you ruined someone's pride and now you want them, you better put that pride back where it belongs.

[greenie]

Kate,

 

I don't know if you've read my first couple posts, but I think I have done that. We've seen each other twice. Had an amazing make out session in the men's room of a bar we went to after accidentally bumping into each other at Kinko's. She asked me to get a drink with her. It was great. Not as cheesy as it sounds. It was a Tuesday at 4:30pm, there was no one around the bar. She said as she was crying, "Why are you such agreat kisser?! No one kisses me like you do!"

 

Then we spent the day together last week. I went over her place in the am before she left, and explained everything. I told her I saw things VERY differently now, and that I had changed. I never told her I changed before when we would break up, she would just come running back when I was ready, she was so in love with me. We're both in sales, and I went on a lunch appointment with her, then we saw the Anchorman matinee after lunch. It was awkward when we parted ways at 6:00 in the afternoon after having such a great day. I think it made it difficult for her.

 

 

Now she's says she wants to see how this new relationship goes, but that she still wants me in my life. She said, "I can't make you any promises. I don't know what will happen. Maybein a few months things will be different, but for now I want to be stable with Mr X."

 

Now it's no contacrt time for me. Thoughts??

[Kate]

ok so forget the serenading part. i get your situation, sounds like what will happen with mine. errrr...anyway, you had a great day. you are on your way. she will not forget you, she JUST DOESN'T TRUST YOU EMOTIONALLY. that's where i am at. the few times we broke up i came running back and started chasing him again. that is over as of last week. you CAN earn her trust back, i feel, just be there in sporadic spurts. she does want you, she just needs to trust you. take her to coffee, be her FRIEND as much as you can. her ex is a rebound, ok?? she is trying to sort through the emotional mess you put her through. errrrr. she will snap out of it, just give it time man. she would not be kissing you if she was into that other guy. she's hoping that he will make her forget you...but, like she found out with you, it doesn't matter if the guy does everything for you or nothing at all -- you will still be with the person you love.

 

got more questions?? i was so in her shoes...and can only hope to be in her shoes where she is at not.

 

question for you -- it has only been days since i finally told my ex "i no longer want to pursue anything further with us." i couldn't even talk to him, i texted it -- because that is the respect level i feel he deserved. so, how long do i give him? i think i know, just make him realize i AM moving on instead of telling him i am moving on.

 

oh -- the other problem you face is that she may think you want her back only because she is now with someone else. that's what is going to make my ex come running back, if he does -- when he sees me with someone else.

[greenie]

So why do you want to know how much time to give him? Do you want to see him again? Love him? Why are you asking that?

 

 

Do you agree with my no contact time right now? If I see her sporadically, I think it should be when she makes contact, no? Or maybe check in a few weeks? I don't want to pursue her too much, I think she's the type that likes to chase. It's what got her in the first place, in case you couldn't tell by out situation...

 

BTW, she left me with a standing invitation to play golf with her (she's not really a golfer) at this exclusive private country club, she bid on two passes in a charity auction and used them to entice me when we first broke up!!! She still wants me to use them with her when I want!!! She's knows I would love to play there. They were $175 apiece!!!!

[Kate]

listen, she is trying to be your friend again; that's what women do when they really want to trust a guy. she wants you back as far as i am concedrned. lay low, let her contact you.

 

i am still totally in love with my ex, but trying to talk my head out of it because of the way he treated me. all i'm saying is i want him to realize himself like you did and come running. i couldn't do the stupid time/space thing. he said he wasn't ready for a relationshi with me because he had just come out of a 4 year one only one month prior to dating me.

 

what do you think his time-frame will be?? he had really started coming around this last month, things were amazing...but i had a gut feeling to leave for good to see what he REALLY wants..what do you think about that? did i do the right thing? your ex cut you off finally, right? isn't that the only way you realized what you lost? if she was still in your face, would you be where you are today??

 

i give you so much credit for going to therapy. i would love a man who did that for himself. that is SO strong.

[greenie]

You sound like me. You may need to reexamine yourself and see what's up with your head. You may have anger issues or something, if you're still in love with some dude, but want him to come crawling back???!!!!

 

You want to punish him. That's not ahealthy relationship! Either dump and move on or work it out!! You're doing what I did baby!!