I dumped her hard and now want her back! I am a better man!

[jw32802]

wait nooo i think kate is right

 

kate is the one that is your ex.....he walked away from HER so she just wants him to be 100% sure of what he wants first. It would be different if kate was the one who dumped him, then i could say "yes she is playing a game" but this is what she has to do to teach him a lesson.

 

think about it, if your ex was always contacting YOU, then you probably wouldnt have had a change of heart because you wouldnt have had a chance to MISS HER. thats all she is doing is making him go into his emptiness like you do

 

Get the book "makeup dont breakup" by bonnie eaker weil. Its a great book about how separation can put people back together. has a 98% success rate too

[greenie]

Doesn't that seem a little gamey? You're doing it IN HOPES that he will change his tune? I don't know if most guys are as smart and cool as me to get it like I did!!

 

I guess all I was saying was that she should make sure she did everything right herself. I did stupid things that may have caused erratic behavior. Although I don't think it's then same for guys as it is for girls in this regard.

 

I guess your doing a pre-emptive breakup to gain "hand."?????

 

Seinfeld fans out there??

[greenie]

I'm confused. Scratch that last post!!!!

[greenie]

I never thought of doing that to someone. We just don't think like you do. To me that takes discipline. Guys have no discipline when it comes to girls. We know we want women. That's about it. This is why we're here on our computers typing like madmen trying to get answers from random women across the country. We suck at relationships!!!!

[jw32802]

wait now im completely confused ......

[nikkicam71]

listen, Greenie...I told mine I can't be friends...told him not to call me unless he missed me and wanted to see me or wanted to spend time together and see what happens. He told me to call if I became "okay" with being friends..."whichever comes first" was his response.

 

It KILLS ME not to contact him...17 days now, and it's the longest we've ever not communicated. BUT...I don't expect him to call. I can't sleep, I miss him so much. I haven't slept more than two hours a night in the last week (am taking a Tylenol PM shortly to end the madness!). I am CERTAIN that he doesn't suffer similar angst about me! He wanted me in his life to ease his own guilt...he truly thinks I'm a wonderful person, and he did genuinely care for me. He's immature and self-absorbed...and ultimately I guess he didn't love me. I can't change what is. I've gone out on dates. I'm actually kinda "seeing" someone else right now. That doesn't make the love that I have for him go away. Each day I struggle with it...each day I wish like hell that something would make him realize what he lost...that something would make him call.

 

I read a book about how to get your ex back...no contact for a month, then re-initiate. But how much pride can a person swallow? I love this man more than words can say, but I love me more. I want him back, but the fear of rejection is greater than the desire to reconcile, especially since he seemed so adamant during the breakup...he seemed very clear. He was my best friend, and this is killing me.

 

I do hope he ends up feeling as you do, but I think that probably you are the exception to the rule. Do what you have to. If you broke her heart, she is scared. This other guy is just a rebound, and right now she is allowing you to BEGIN to understand how you made her feel. Human nature wants retribution, even if our better nature guides us to avoid it.

 

Don't let her go, not if you think she loves you too. She's just really scared...and you gave her a reason to be.

 

~Nikki

[jw32802]

nikki, what is this book?

[nikkicam71]

It's an e-book titled, "How to get your Ex Back"....it's 24.95 to download, but if I can figure out a way to "lend" you mine, I'd be happy to do it. Some of the things it says in there are merely common sense, some of them give you pause, make you wonder if it could really work. I don't know. I know I'd give "almost" anything to make mine miss me and want me back, but I don't EVER want to look as pathetic as I did the day that he left me. It would be so much better, all the way around, if he just began to feel as Greenie does, all on his own.

 

GREENIE...a question for you...after you dumped her, how long was it before the two of you started "talking", keeping in touch? Did she agree to the just friends thing first, or did you realize you'd screwed up first? How long before the two of you saw each other again, and who asked whom to hang out?

[nikkicam71]

PS....any poster on this thread is more than welcome to email me re. "borrowing" my book or just to vent/[email protected]

[TommyGirl]

Greenie, let me ask you something, did your ex-girlfriend think that you left her for another woman? How long did you date after you broke up with her?

[greenie]

I dumper her badly, and abruptly for something stupid at the end of March,

 

She tries to keep in touch through email, phone for the next two months.

 

I first answered her call on May 21, my birthday, that's why she called.

 

I was nice, but distant, still mad at her (????can you believe it???)

 

Then about 4 weeks ago, I was just thinking about us, and realized what stupid

things I did, and was so not fair to her.

 

I called her and started being "nicer" to her.

 

Then about two weeks ago, I accidentally bumped into each other, after we knew we would be at Kinko's on this certain day, but not any one time.

 

Then the make out, the admission, and the typing at loveshack.....

[greenie]

Not really, I just got fed up with her behavior and dumped her right out of the blue.

I remember her shaking when I came over after I told her "I'm coming over to talk."

 

I went out with four girls in the 3.5 months it's been. None serious, they literally "mean nothing to me" I don't even talk to any of them right now.

[nikkicam71]

Mine didn't stay "mad" at me...he had no reason to be. I'd done ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong. he sent me an email after our breakup...(I'd emailed him to tell him how his horrible words/treatment made me feel about six days after we broke up...he took almost two weeks to respond). He asked me to please read his mail, it wouldn't take much of my time...he'd been thinking about us and what we were and what happened. He thinks about me often, not just at that particular moment, just this time he felt the need to write and apologize for everything that happened. He felt bad for everything more I put into it than he did. He doesn't know why he feels so bad about all of it, except maybe he realizes more now that he hurts people with his actions even though he cares for them. The reason he didn't respond or call was because it wasn't as easy as I thought it was. He hasn't completely forgotten about me and doesn't think he ever will. This isn't a farewell letter, he wanted to write before it was too late...if I don't want to talk to him anymore he's sorry for that too.

 

I wrote back and told him if he wanted to talk to call. From that point on he called twice a week, as "friends". Five weeks later (July 1) I told him I couldn't do it anymore. He was always happy to talk to me, seemed to still have real affection for me, was grateful that I was still talking to him, but he seemed really HAPPY with his life, and that was killing me, because I miss him so much. I'd like to believe that he's going thru it too, but since he did this, and he never made mention of seeing me or trying to work things out, this is clearly what he wants. His letter had given me some hope, but ultimately I realized that I read into it what I wanted to hear. So I cut off all contact...asked him not to call me unless he wanted more. That was over two weeks ago.

 

Of course, part of me is REALLY hoping that me being gone entirely will do the trick...that he will finally miss the hell out of me and come around. Probably not. I guess what I need to know is whether or not I did the right thing. It hurts like hell, but at least now I'm not wondering every day what is going thru his head and whether or not I'm making progress in our conversations. Nor am I torturing myself by hearing how great things are for him. I mean, can you imagine the day he starts with someone else and decides to "talk" to me about it??? Jeez!

 

Please tell me if you think I made the right move. Do you think that maybe this might work to my advantage?

 

~Nikki

[Debster]

Allright, I have been in your girlfriend's position and let me tell you it is NOT fun. It is very hard to change and I gave my ex three chances. He didn't change. Even though he said he did and he realized all that I was and all I gave to him, it didn't change who he was. He was a commitment phobe. It appears as if you are too, IMO. I think you should not contact her and leave her alone. What I have learned through my experience is that love shouldn't be that hard. When you find REAL love, you know it, you believe it and you don't ever want to be away from it. I think you are just missing what you had and that is making you rethink leaving. Not good enough, IMO.

[Kate]

Hi girl. Identify so much with what you and JW are going through. I am also "that girl". If you knew my situation, you would feel so much better!!!! It is almost inconceivable...my ex had EVERYTHING with me. and, like greenie, i was always there and always doing stuff for him, more emotionally involved, etc. and my ex took me for granted. it was almost like he was an emotional brick wall because i was always fueling him.

 

his detached behavior made me nuts, crazy and insecure. i am the catch of the century, far more educated than him, well-travelled, quite aesthetically pleasing, ROCKING personality...you name it! but the point is here, it wouldn't matter if you were britney spears, madonna, the queen of the universe -- these guys become literally blind when you have a good heart and show them so much. i believe that this has to do with maturity. they don't know how to handle what to us seems "normal" situations or feelings of emotion, up and down, etc. they love you at your best, but run from your worst...because they can't handle....so they just don't!! every inconsistency or inconvenince pushes them away. the can't handle difficult conversations, and since you are so nice, they feel they can get away with being avoidant...and for a short time, they can -- because you will just chase them!! they don't realize what this behavior does to us inside. yes, we will chase...but one day, we will leave (initiate no contact).

 

ladies, i truly believe that if you are a great girl, with a good heart and not a game player, these guys will take a look at what is around...and deeply regret their actions. like greenie, they will be indifferent at first. guys always want something that is "not a hassle"...well, i dont know any woman worth knowing that is hassle-free -- we are different species. guys will mature in time. by the time they come back to us, we will probably resent them too much to give it another shot. keep reading books, and look at the days that pass as time in your favor.

 

i know the pain despite my strong words -- i woke up this morning with a lump in my chest and a deep depression. last monday i called in sick to work because i just couldn't go. but the next day, tuesday, i cancelled a trip i had planned for my ex and i during our "time apart" which he was excited for....because i realized, why was i doing all of this for someone who needs space??? he agreed that HE should be the one planning. he said he was embarrassed. well, i think he is a big fat p.ussy. excuse my language, i can't find any other word for it. that was the last time i talked to him. he said that week that "he wants to work things out" -- yeah right. with what effort? he obviously didn't know what he had at the time, so i don't want to keep enabling him with initiating contact and trips. that just prolongs the process he needs to go through to realize what is missing in his life -- ME. i am too special for this treatment. some days i wonder if it was MY behavior that ended things...but you know in your gut that they didn't treat you right the whole time, guys are good at making it your fault because you are more emotional than they are. "she's crazy man!" that's their best defense mechanism. let them say it, because they will just go on to the next crazy one....will lesser qualities than us.

 

girls, i think that we should all meet for coffee or drinks and shake up the town on the east coast.

[jw32802]

Omg I would definitely get together with you girls, Im from the east coast too!!!!!! WE should go out! where you from??

[jw32802]

how old are you girls too

[jw32802]

kate i cant PM you, cuz your mailbox is full

 

Girl i feel like we are in the same situation. Whens the last contact you had? Today is my 15th day, this is the longest ive ever went, so i wonder if he will be like "hmm she always calls me by NOW." its hard for me cuz my guy is with another girl but i still know im better. The great thing about me and him was that we would talk to all hours of the night about so many things that most people just dont talk about . we had so much fun debating politics or just every day things, and it was fun! i dont think other girls do that! i know he loves stuff like that....I know, mornings are soo hard arent they! I found that if you exercise when you get up, you feel much better, the endorphins go to your blood and it changes your outlook, its amazing but it actually makes you THINK DIFFERENT. if you are in the NYC area, you gotta listen to NJ 101.5FM from 10am to 2pm, they literally MAKE MY DAY. Its a guy and a girl "dennis and judi" and they are the best freaking people on the radio and i laugh and it makes me feel better. they broadcast in the ny area

[greenie]

Just let me know when and where and I'll be there, girls.

 

I know you girls all dig me b/c I am cool, funny, and charming, but yet sensitive at the same time.

It's quite a mix. Don't you wish all guys could be like me?

 

<maybe conceit is my problem......hmmmm........>

[nikkicam71]

Kate and JW...I am in NJ...are you guys local??? Getting together would be AWESOME! I am 32 years old. How about you girls?

 

Greenie...you are in OH! So sorry you can't join us!

[Kate]

hey there -- i'm 25, an old soul...i'm an hour from nyc, an hour from newark nj. greenie baby...i don't know what to tell you! sorry you won't be able to make it.

 

mornings have been so hard for me. i get bursts of energy during the day that tell me "F HIM" and things like that. i feel like if he really wanted to be with me, he would have initiated contact at least ONCE without me doing it first. this is why i finally walked away, because i knew deep down that at that time he would not have chased me. and that hurt. i felt like it was truly the wrong time for him for whatever reason. when i told him that i had given my all and that i no longer wanted to pursue anything, he agreed like a coward with "i respect your decision -- i'm sorry things couldn't work out between us". whatever -- he wanted me to do it because it took the pressure off of him doing it himself. at least this way, short term, he feels less guilty. i mean, come on -- how many guys break up then try to take space because they felt scared to do the breakup? they weren't sure they totally didn't want it anymore, so then when the girl does it it takes away the blame.

 

however, i think that it INITIALLY will make him feel better...like he doesn't have to deal with anything. however he told me just one week ago that he wanted to work things out and just needed some time to himself. so i don't think he really wanted to break up. but, at least i will know for sure this way if he wants me or not, instead of me always going to him. that destroyed my self-esteem, and enabled him to string me along. what do you think, greenie? by the way, YES my ex took me for granted and i am NOT playing games with him. i never ever did. this is my only option here.

[greenie]

Why don't you guys live it up for me, and while your at it, pick up as many guys as possible.

 

Anybody have a sister in OH?? Only good-looking blondes with killer bods please.

[nikkicam71]

hey kate! mornings are definitely the worst...he used to call every morning when we weren't together to wake me. It's been two months since we broke up, but only 18 days since we last talked! We've never gone so long before...when he dumped me, he only stayed away for two weeks before contacting me again. Then his calls were like clockwork, once or twice a week, until I told him I couldn't be friends right now and to call if he wanted to try and work things out. Feels like only 18 days for real for the breakup! I KNOW that's crazy...it's been two months for God's sake! But when you continue talking to someone, the real separation doesn't sink in in your brain.

 

With each passing day, the hope that he will bounce back and realize what he's lost becomes dimmer. I know it hurt him when I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore. He really did care for me. I think it's key here for me to mention that he never said, "I love you." At week three, he freaked out, because he was "falling in love with me" and it was going too fast for him. He backed off a little, and it was never brought up on his part again. I've said it a few times, slipped or had too much to drink...and then again when he broke up with me. He has told me a few times that he "loves me as a person" which we ALL know is so totally NOT the same thing. I think I just need to accept that he wasn't in love with me...never was, finally decided he never would be, no matter how awesome he thought I was...no matter how much he cared. So he left me.

 

I am working hard on being okay again. Each day it's a struggle not to call, the void is unbelievable. His voice used to be the first thing I heard in the morning and the last thing I heard before I went to sleep. One day at a time, ladies...

 

~Nikki

[Kate]

well at least you have a very clear picture as to what your situation was. it sucks and hurts, but that's the way it was and at least you are not cloudy.

 

i am cloudy. the guy had a thing for me for years, and when we finally started dating he fell in love with me - and told me he loved me at month 5, which i feel was perfect timing. i waited a few more days and told him the same, as i had loved him for a while. but the whole 7 month of our courtship were not a courtship. because we started as friends, he did not feel a need to take me to dinner, ever once give me a card or a note -- even on valentine's day. we never did anything romantic, because i think he felt our friendship was strong enough. we started arguing when i would drink and i would push him far away with my actions...but every day i was wondering if he loved me as much as i loved him -- he had created an emotional void in me with his lack of actions. it was horrible. he did some things (and DIDN'T DO A LOT) that made me incredibly insecure and overly emotional. i didn't bring these things up at the right times, obviously, but tried...and he acted as an emotional brick wall. we just never talked about our feelings even though they were there. it felt like the most complete relationship on the planet until we would argue. and the only reason we argued is because i was insecure with his actions and lackthereof -- now, i havent included them here, but please just TRUST that they were bad. my friends told me i could do better, that he was very nice, but not the guy for me. i'm not nuts, i wouldn't have felt that lonely in a relationship had he been meeting my needs.

 

so, we broke up the first time because of hte arguing -- he realized that he didn't do a lot of things he should have, and he told me it's because we started dating only 1 month after the end of his 4 year relationship. i trust this had somethng to do with it, but i think a lot is personlaity. i don't think he knows how to meet a woman's needs. i have travelled all over the world and had several serious relationships; he has lived in the same place since birth and had only one serious relationship. he is very quiet and shy, i am extroverted and interested in self-improvement and learning. i think basically he's just immature, but we finally ended because, like you guys here, i couldn't do the time and space thing. i had already given him my soul, basically -- what more could i do? i'm not going to play hangman with him until he is ready. although he said he wants to work things out, he's going to have to be in a postion where he can give me 100% instead of 35%. It wasn't fair to me at all, though i think he saw me as his future wife -- he would say things by accident that eluded to that and then we would change the subject. the guy loved me, but he didn't appreciate me and took me for granted. i was always there for him. i wonder, had he just done ONE special thing for me...even during "time and space" that lasted a few weeks...maybe i would not have told him that i have given my all and don't want to pursue anything with us anymore. that wasn't easy for me to do, but he was giving me no indication he really wanted to try. i'm not going to be someone's convenience.

 

let him really think about this and stew over it -- he has a LOT of pride, but if he really wants me he will show it by contacting me, writing me a letter, something that doesn't have to involve begging. i give him about 6 weeks, honestly. i think that's what he needs in order to fix a few things in himself and see what it was he wasn't giving me. i know he knows he didn't have the energy but wanted to. i don't think that love fades -- maybe we will both move on, but i think that if something is there...no i KNOW from my past that if something is there, it does not go away. i think things will work out the way they are supposed to no matter what, and if we are meant to be together then it will happen when he is more ready or capable. i mean, the way i see it, the guy isn't going anywhere. i think the ball is really in my court, and i know that when he is ready to be in a relationship he will most likely want it with me. i need to decide if i REALLY want him...forget about the fact that he wanted time and space from me and removed himself...is he really what i want? or was this all a warning to me for what could happen in the future with bigger problems? also, i need to think if he actually fulfills all of my other needs, mentally and so forth. why bother dating a guy i will not be serious with about marriage? i need time to myself if that's not the case, i'm trying to make myself a strong young woman for God's sake.

[jw32802]

Hey Im in NJ too!!! Where in NJ?? Im in cherry hill area

Im 27