Mom asked me for a favor but...

[proactivedreamer]

Preface: Me and my mother have a somewhat tumultuous relationship(didn't raise me, she was drugs most of my life), and I am finding that we clash a lot. I don't know if it's bad combination of personalities and deep seated issues,but I am having hard liking her.And we have been having a rough time since I moved up here in nov 2010.

 

Around june of this year, my mother asked me if I would come live with her to help her out financially. I was renting a room from a relative who is in my peer group, and was paying less rent at his house, and had complete autonomy there. At first, I was reluctant to move back with my mom because of past experiences with her, and I thought our relationship was better when we lived apart, so I originally told her no. She asked me again, and I asked if she would have a problem with my boyfriend coming and staying over, and she said no. I repeatedly asked her because that was the reason I moved out before, and I wanted to be sure that she wasn't going to treat me like a child, ask me to pay rent, and also try to impose rules on me.

 

My bf comes over and stays maybe 2-3 times a week,sometimes less depending my work schedule and other things. He currently is unemployed but is trying to get some work. Just this last week he stayed 4 nights because I didn't have work because business has been slow. We decided to spend a bit more time together than usual.She text me today-at midnight mind you, and blows up on me. Starts saying I am taking advantage, I am being disrespectful,my bf is practically living there and so forth. Now, first off, I pay for everything that I need(food, laundry, toiletry except toilet paper and dish washing liquid), and sometimes I stay at his house, and then we have days when we don't see each other! My problem with the situation is that I am almost 26 and she asks me to come live with her to help her out, and now she is texting me saying he can only stay 2 times a week. Honestly I don't know where this is coming from. I just feel like I am paying her rent and was to ask to leave a place where I didn't have to worry about someone trying to put rules on me, and I feel like it's not fair especially since she agreed to this. My bf doesn't at all he look like he is living here, he doesn't even have a toothbrush here! He is extremely polite. We keep to ourselves. When I lived with her before she wouldn't let my ex come over too much either, and he was never allowed to stay the night. That was the reason I moved out 8 months ago. I feel really bothered by this because I feel like she has been complaining a lot and now this. I was better off where I was, why is she doing this to me?

[proactivedreamer]

any thoughts?

[Radu]

Control ...

 

In your OP you said that you didn't want to pay rent, and then you said you pay rent ... which is it ?

 

and I wanted to be sure that she wasn't going to treat me like a child, ask me to pay rent, and also try to impose rules on me.

 

--

 

If this was the first time she did this, i would suspect she doesn't know how to live with you [her daughter], and she missed out on that experience.

 

But this is the 2nd time.

You did not mention the ages, yours when she did not allow your ex to stay over, anything about him, or your ages now.

 

I also don't like that she mentioned this via text.

You guys live in the same house, in these type of situations stuff is mentioned via text either because of urgency or because one is non-confrontational ... passive-agressive in his/her dealings.

[proactivedreamer]

Control ...

 

In your OP you said that you didn't want to pay rent, and then you said you pay rent ... which is it ?

 

 

 

--

 

If this was the first time she did this, i would suspect she doesn't know how to live with you [her daughter], and she missed out on that experience.

 

But this is the 2nd time.

You did not mention the ages, yours when she did not allow your ex to stay over, anything about him, or your ages now.

 

I also don't like that she mentioned this via text.

You guys live in the same house, in these type of situations stuff is mentioned via text either because of urgency or because one is non-confrontational ... passive-agressive in his/her dealings.

 

Sorry about the omissions. I wrote this around 3 am. So to clear things up, I have always paid her rent since I moved up here in late 2010. I am currently paying rent. I was 24 when I moved in with her.I will be 26 in two weeks. I moved out to have independence around Nov of 2011. She asked me around June of this year to come live with her to help her because she was struggling to get bills paid. I had my own place where I could do what I wanted. Yes, when I was 24, that was the first time my mother and I lived together in my entire life, so I can understand having some difficulty. However, the issue continues to be how to "govern" her house with her adult child living with her. In addition, I don't cause her any problems. I pay her on time, pay for my food, and everything else. I feel she, at times, fails to see and treat me like an adult. I feel when these things happen, it really disrupts my sense of peace. I did not ask her to live with her, she asked me. I explained to her that I did not want to go through this very thing with her,so needed to be sure that she was cool with it. My bf is the only guest I ever have over. I feel so crazy thinking about it. And yes, she frequently texts me to tell me what is bothering her. In her text last night, she says I did something disrespectful, but insists on not telling what it is. I regrett coming to live here. Sure, there are perks, but as I said i had total indepence somewhere else, and my relationship wih her does better when we don't live together. It's not my fault she didn't raise me, and feels she needs to make up for that. It's a little too late. I don't know what to do...

[Radu]

The question is, what do you want ?

 

Because right now you have 2 options :

- leave forever

- stay and try to build a relationship by establishing boundaries

 

You have options if you can pay for your own, so you can dictate terms.

I would stay around, but not verbalise this.

Take it as a test of relationships with ppl.

 

For this, talk to a therapist for advice on how to deal with this, books, etc ... even some of the ppl of LS could recommend you something.

 

Did she raise any other kids ?

How old is she ?

Is she still working ?

Why didn't she raise you and who raised you ?

[proactivedreamer]

The question is, what do you want ?

 

Because right now you have 2 options :

- leave forever

- stay and try to build a relationship by establishing boundaries

 

You have options if you can pay for your own, so you can dictate terms.

I would stay around, but not verbalise this.

Take it as a test of relationships with ppl.

 

For this, talk to a therapist for advice on how to deal with this, books, etc ... even some of the ppl of LS could recommend you something.

 

Did she raise any other kids ?

How old is she ?

Is she still working ?

Why didn't she raise you and who raised you ?

 

My mother was on drugs for nearly 20 years of her life.She is now 45 years of age, and has been clean for close to 8 years. She was not fit to mother any of her children during her addiction, which lasted my entire childhood. She has a total of 7 children, and she has not raised any of us. I was raised in a foster home up until my emancipation at age 18. I lived on my own since then, but asked my mother to stay with her briefly at the end of 2010 because I had been abroad, and would have no money upon my return. Writing this has just made me realize how messy things have been since I moved to the bay area. I feel like my ideals about my biological family have been completely smashed to pieces,and I understand, at an even greater level, why no one took me and my sis out of the system. My biological family is very dysfunctional from both ends. Lots of drug abuse,poverty, disease, and pain. My mother is a kind woman, helps me out when I need it, and I am grateful to her. She does work sporadically, and usually finds a way to make ends meet. Her life, at least from the outside looking in, is not that bad. I, overall, feel a lot of resistance within myself because I want to do what I want and I want my mom to be happy too. But is my boyfriend staying over here a few nights a week really causing her to feel unhappy? And now the terms of our original agreement are being questioned, and she's attempting to alter them without having a conversation about it. She's just telling me what I'm going to do, and it's hard for me to say yes to that.

[turnera]

why is she doing this to me?

Because you let her?

[proactivedreamer]

Because you let her?

 

You're right. I guess I am letting it bother me a little too much. I know that I am not doing anything wrong here. I made the ultimate decision to come stay here despite knowing how she is. I guess I should start making plans to move out around the end of the year. Thanks to those who replied. I guess it wasn't that hard to sort out. I guess I just want to understand her reasons, but I guess it's quite simple.

[turnera]

You're right. I guess I am letting it bother me a little too much. I know that I am not doing anything wrong here. I made the ultimate decision to come stay here despite knowing how she is. I guess I should start making plans to move out around the end of the year. Thanks to those who replied. I guess it wasn't that hard to sort out. I guess I just want to understand her reasons, but I guess it's quite simple.

She likely doesn't even understand her own reasons. Addicts are not like other people.

[Radu]

It could be that she doesn't know how to talk to someone, to live with someone normal. I imagine that 20yrs of drugs caused some damage to her too.

It could be that she fears this guy, feels insecure around him.

She could be jealous of this guy, because you spend time with him.

 

It could be a lot of things, but the fact that she discusses things via text is telling.

View it as a barrier, she is more comfortable to write stuff down than the verbalise them in front of ppl.

 

I have to say that you have remarkebly low levels of hatred for what you went through.

I'm not sure i could be like this.

 

Have you thought about discussing this with someone at AA ?

An addict is still an addict, replace drugs with alcohol and you still have a nightmare.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Radu

[wow04]

You say she has been clean for 8 years, which is wonderful. How did she do it? Is she in a program of recovery? Did she just quit drugs or did she turn her whole life around?

[Emilia]

OP your mother is not your responsibility to this extent. First of all, as a 26 year-old you have the right for an independent life and it's probably the best option to have. Personally, I think you should move out.

 

Your mother is 45 years old, she should get a job or a second job or she should sell her house if she is short of cash. Or all 7 of you should chip in financially - or at least those of you that are old enough. There is no reason why you should have her quality of life on your shoulders.

 

You are probably right guessing that your relationship with her would be better with more distance. So would be your sanity.

 

There must be various financial options to explore, your living in her house at the age of 26 cannot be the only one. I can't emphasize this enough.

[proactivedreamer]

It could be that she doesn't know how to talk to someone, to live with someone normal. I imagine that 20yrs of drugs caused some damage to her too.

It could be that she fears this guy, feels insecure around him.

She could be jealous of this guy, because you spend time with him.

 

It could be a lot of things, but the fact that she discusses things via text is telling.

View it as a barrier, she is more comfortable to write stuff down than the verbalise them in front of ppl.

 

I have to say that you have remarkebly low levels of hatred for what you went through.

I'm not sure i could be like this.

 

Have you thought about discussing this with someone at AA ?

An addict is still an addict, replace drugs with alcohol and you still have a nightmare.

 

Well I have worked a great deal on healing my life, and I still struggle with certain things, but I believe forgiveness can be very freeing. There could be could be a lot of reasons for why she is acting like this,but I think you said it in your first reply, "control." I am on my way to just letting it go, and working toward finding my own place. This situation was suppose to be temporary anyway. I think this is just a case of "my house, my rules" despite her asking me to come live here. I guess I was under the impression that that attitude would no longer be held over my head. Thanks for your advice and insights. I am just going to bite my tongue on this one for peace of mind.

[proactivedreamer]

You say she has been clean for 8 years, which is wonderful. How did she do it? Is she in a program of recovery? Did she just quit drugs or did she turn her whole life around?

 

Well I think she was deeply intent on staying clean. She turned her whole life around, and she is definitely a better woman for it.She was in a program-I am not sure how extensive, but she did the steps for awhile. She stays away from people who do drugs. I think she hit an all time low, and she realized that she needed to stop in order to remain alive. I am proud of her.

[proactivedreamer]

OP your mother is not your responsibility to this extent. First of all, as a 26 year-old you have the right for an independent life and it's probably the best option to have. Personally, I think you should move out.

 

Your mother is 45 years old, she should get a job or a second job or she should sell her house if she is short of cash. Or all 7 of you should chip in financially - or at least those of you that are old enough. There is no reason why you should have her quality of life on your shoulders.

 

You are probably right guessing that your relationship with her would be better with more distance. So would be your sanity.

 

There must be various financial options to explore, your living in her house at the age of 26 cannot be the only one. I can't emphasize this enough.

 

I agree with you. I guess I agreed to this because I felt it was my duty, and I thought things would be different. I have to accept that this is her house, and I have to make compromises. I definitely think for my own sanity and emotional well-being that I should work on finding my own space. Thank you for your advice.

[turnera]

Well I have worked a great deal on healing my life, and I still struggle with certain things, but I believe forgiveness can be very freeing. There could be could be a lot of reasons for why she is acting like this,but I think you said it in your first reply, "control." I am on my way to just letting it go, and working toward finding my own place. This situation was suppose to be temporary anyway. I think this is just a case of "my house, my rules" despite her asking me to come live here. I guess I was under the impression that that attitude would no longer be held over my head. Thanks for your advice and insights. I am just going to bite my tongue on this one for peace of mind.

Even if you didn't grow up with her, she still sees you as her child; it takes a lot for parents to stop seeing their kids as kids, and relate to them as adults. Usually, it takes the KID taking steps to assert their independence and say 'this is me now, if you can't accept that, then we should spend less time together while I get on with my adult life; we can reconnect more, later.'

[proactivedreamer]

Even if you didn't grow up with her, she still sees you as her child; it takes a lot for parents to stop seeing their kids as kids, and relate to them as adults. Usually, it takes the KID taking steps to assert their independence and say 'this is me now, if you can't accept that, then we should spend less time together while I get on with my adult life; we can reconnect more, later.'

 

I did assert my independence, which is why I moved out late last year. I realized it was time, and I feel the same way now. However this time,I felt that I should help my mother, and had I known that there would be some restraints, like there were when I lived with her the first time, I would not have agreed to this. I feel that this was a big mistake, and I wish I could take it back. I definitely agree with you about parents having a hard time seeing their children as adults, but I feel quite strongly that this situation is different. She was not in my life as a child. She did not parent me or mother me, so I don't see why at age 26 she feels like she needs to. I am not saying I know everything, but I have been adult and have taken care of myself for a long time now. There definitely has to be shift in the way we relate to one another.

[turnera]

so I don't see why at age 26 she feels like she needs to.

Again, because you let her? Have you ever read The Dance Of Anger? It's a neat little book about our interactions with people we love.

[Emilia]

Again, because you let her? Have you ever read The Dance Of Anger? It's a neat little book about our interactions with people we love.

 

It's much harder to build a trusting, loving, adult relationship with someone who has addiction issues and clearly isn't very good at taking responsibility for her short comings.

 

The OP's life will be much easier when she moves out. She can rebuild her relationship with her mother then starting with establishing healthier boundaries for her.

[Ugh1]

The question is, what do you want ?

 

Because right now you have 2 options :

- leave forever

- stay and try to build a relationship by establishing boundaries

QUOTE]

 

There is a 3rd option... move out and see her regularly. That is what I had to do with my dad. When he turns into an A$$, then I simply do not see him.

[TaraMaiden]

If you're going to move out, make sure you "Do it right".

 

Give her adequate notice, and tell her in writing.

 

It doesn't matter if there is no existing written rental agreement between you - I would point out that crazy as it may sound, there should have been - but giving her a letter/notice to quit, lets her know it's final, you're serious and you fully intend to follow through.

 

It's not working.

You wish to high heaven it would, but it isn't.

Sometimes, things work, other times they don't.

 

it is what it is.

[proactivedreamer]

If you're going to move out, make sure you "Do it right".

 

Give her adequate notice, and tell her in writing.

 

It doesn't matter if there is no existing written rental agreement between you - I would point out that crazy as it may sound, there should have been - but giving her a letter/notice to quit, lets her know it's final, you're serious and you fully intend to follow through.

 

It's not working.

You wish to high heaven it would, but it isn't.

Sometimes, things work, other times they don't.

 

it is what it is.

 

I agree, and that is what I intend to do. I have been respecting her request so far, and things are going well. Thanks to everyone for the advice and the insights.