Cheating and Self-Forgiveness

[oooriotgrrrl]

If you've cheated on a partner, admitted it and lost her/him, how did you cope with the fall out of that relationship? How did you work towards self-forgiveness? Did you feel like being honest with that person was a good or bad idea?

 

My boyfriend and I split after 4 years. I cheated once early on and then again at the end, in the last 6 months. I know what I did was awful, the ultimate betrayal and now I have to live with the consequences. I had lied and lied and lied, but this time when he asked, I couldn't lie anymore.

 

I think it's also important to note that I am in the early stages of sobriety and am on a path to become healthy, mentally and physically.

 

It breaks my heart to know that I was living life without consequences, that I was selfish and what I did has devastated him.

 

Now, how do *I* move on and forgive myself? I'm in pain, I accept I will be for a long time. What I want to do is begin to understand the how's and why's of my behavior. I want to change. I don't ever want to do this to someone else.

 

Thank you.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you've cheated on a partner, admitted it and lost her/him, how did you cope with the fall out of that relationship? How did you work towards self-forgiveness? Did you feel like being honest with that person was a good or bad idea?

My boyfriend and I split after 4 years. I cheated once early on and then again at the end, in the last 6 months. I know what I did was awful, the ultimate betrayal and now I have to live with the consequences. I had lied and lied and lied, but this time when he asked, I couldn't lie anymore.

I think it's also important to note that I am in the early stages of sobriety and am on a path to become healthy, mentally and physically.

It breaks my heart to know that I was living life without consequences, that I was selfish and what I did has devastated him.

Now, how do I* move on and forgive myself? I'm in pain, I accept I will be for a long time. What I want to do is begin to understand the how's and why's of my behavior. I want to change. I don't ever want to do this to someone else. Thank you.

 

It depends on why you feel hurt. Do you feel hurt because of what a terrible person you have been... or do you hurt because the guy dumped you?

 

If you are hurting because you realize how much pain you have caused someone... then you need to make some type of effort to make up for it. I would personally provide someone I hurt and cared deeply about with a large gift equal to the pain I caused. To my mind that begins to set things right. You can't just walk away from the disaster you caused and expect other people to fix it for you. Find some way... on your own terms... to help fix it.

 

If you are hurting because the guy dumped you... find another guy.

[the ill-made knight]

It sounds simple, but this is actually harder than it sounds.

 

First, accept that you were selfish, uncaring, and inconsiderate. There's nothing you can do to take that back. There's nothing you can do to fix it.

 

Second, make up your mind to not be that person ever again and hold yourself to that.

 

We do not have control over other people, but we all certainly have control over ourselves. If you do not want to be the type of woman that cheats, lies, and hurts others simply don't be that woman. Again, sounds easy, but it truly is hard. Seek help, seek counsel, lean on your friends and family. You will make it through this if you really want to.

[Woggle]

Just continue on the path to becoming a better person and don't do it in future relationships.

[oooriotgrrrl]

I feel awful because of how much pain the truth is causing him. Also, very disappointed in myself for living in some sort of effed up fantasy world where I didnt see the consequences for my behavior. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my adult life and I do not plan to make it again.

 

I plan to work on myself, sobriety being a big cornerstone for this journey. I've struggled with compulsive sexual behavior since my teenage years and alcohol/using made it so much worse.

 

The answer I'm getting from everyone is time - time to forgive myself and to move on, learn from the mess I made. I know that none of this will be easy but living the other way is no longer an option.

 

In response to the first reply, I have no idea what type of gift I could give him besides the one I already gave him - the truth. Now he knows what kind of person I've been and can feel better about chosing to longer be in a relationship with him. Hopefully someday I can find a way to express my sorrow. Again, time will tell.