Would you be honest or not?

[Coffee20]

In my next relationship should I be honest in my past sexual experience (if the question will be put) or should I lie? Because I am not sure. I told my previous ex what happened to me (abuse) in my past relationship but he turned it against me.

I was very honest but now I regret.

The truth is I am scared of sex and now even more. I don't know how to deal with this in my next relationship anymore.

Maybe I should rather tell that I am a virgin??

[tman666]

If I were dating a girl that had been abused, I would want to know about it in order to help me understand her perspective so that I could be a better partner for her. Your past experience and your outlook on sex stemming from that experience changes the procedure of how to proceed with the physical (perhaps even emotional) aspect of your relationships. A good partner will respect the fact that you might have different needs and reactions to things than someone that hasn't gone through that.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your ****head ex turned that against you. Still, I think trying to cover your experience up and pretend it never happened is the wrong way to go. I think that being open about it with people you trust (in addition to receiving professional therapy) is far preferable to bottling it up.

[pteromom]

No, I think you should be honest, but wade in rather than jumping in with the full truth and giving someone ammo to hurt you.

 

So before you get intimate with someone, you simply say something like "I was in a sexually abusive relationship in the past."

 

See what he does with that info.

 

If he is a good steward of that info, you can tell him how it changed you and your attitudes toward sex.

 

If he treats that info with respect, you can start sharing pieces of painful details. See how he reacts. See if he is trustworthy. If so, you can keep getting deeper.

 

Don't lie. But don't give someone total access to your heart until he earns it.

[Coffee20]

thank you both, but still what if I tell and he will laugh?? or what if he turns the page and won't answer at all? or what if he tells just "hm" - like my ex did, like he didn't even care, I am not then sure if the other one really listens to me or what answer should I wait back to think he takes it seriously?

[tman666]

thank you both, but still what if I tell and he will laugh?? or what if he turns the page and won't answer at all? or what if he tells just "hm" - like my ex did, like he didn't even care, I am not then sure if the other one really listens to me or what answer should I wait back to think he takes it seriously?

 

He could respond any number of ways, but laughing at your or ignoring you are cruel and inappropriate ways to respond to such news. If he responds as such, then you'll know he's someone to cut out of your life and stay far away from.

 

A guy who cares about your well being would never, ever laugh at you, nor would he just shrug such information off.

[losingmyground]

When you first start dating a guy, you do not need to disclose everything. When it becomes serious and monogamos, you should be up front and honest. Hiding abuse from a previous relationship/childhood can haunt a marriage. Your future spouse needs to be aware of you past in order till deal with any issues that might come up. If he cannot accept your past, move on. There are plenty of great men out there that will accept you for who you are. Keep your chin up!!!

[shiftman]

IMHO, lying will only create another set of issues for you to deal with.

[irin]

i actually believe people have a right to keep certain information to them selves there are certain things that are very painful to talk about. i dont think you need to share everything, unless you are fully comfortable, and happy to talk about it, it not really lying.

[Coffee20]

Thank you, it's hard I can't even imagine that I will tell this to someone again, I have stomachache even after this imagination :/.

But if I meet someone who I could love, I will tell not fully but at least something, hope I won't have next bad experience.

[shiftman]

Deciding not to disclose the information is certainly your perrogative and is totally acceptable. IMHO, simply lying about it isn't. In the end, it is your call to make.

[Radu]

thank you both, but still what if I tell and he will laugh?? or what if he turns the page and won't answer at all? or what if he tells just "hm" - like my ex did, like he didn't even care, I am not then sure if the other one really listens to me or what answer should I wait back to think he takes it seriously?

 

I'll be honest with you, i'd probably say 'hmmm'.

I am a cynic so i generaly don't take things at face value, especially this kind of stuff ... i just got burned way too many times by girls playing the damsel.

If i got to know her better and i believed her, i would need that information to know what buttons not to push in sex, it is absolutely essential.

 

So i think you should take pteromom's advice and keep it vague.

I've personally learned over time that someone [girl] who offers this kind of information willingly is either over it and accepted it as a part of who she is now, or playing the damsel role.

A girl who hides/lies about it, is bad too because she covers it up, refuses to face the problem. It's obvious why this could be detrimental to the future of the relationship.

A girl who would mention it, said it had an impact, said she is trying to get over it, and said it at the beginning as a slight warning ... like 'you need to be a little slow with me in that department, it causes some bad reactions' without going further in the detail, would indicate a girl who is aware of the problem and is trying to get over it.

 

I think you should be vague initially as well because the 'damsel' does something to guys.

It activates the 'protect' part of our brain, we need to feel that we can protect you, that we can prove you wrong, that we are not like him.

This can be detrimental to the relationship because he will change, and not in good ways.

 

I also think you should go for sex later in the relationship, maybe 2 months in.

And tell him of the HSV-2, inform him completely of what it means.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Radu

[Coffee20]

I'll be honest with you, i'd probably say 'hmmm'.

I am a cynic so i generaly don't take things at face value, especially this kind of stuff ... i just got burned way too many times by girls playing the damsel.

If i got to know her better and i believed her, i would need that information to know what buttons not to push in sex, it is absolutely essential.

 

So i think you should take pteromom's advice and keep it vague.

I've personally learned over time that someone [girl] who offers this kind of information willingly is either over it and accepted it as a part of who she is now, or playing the damsel role.

A girl who hides/lies about it, is bad too because she covers it up, refuses to face the problem. It's obvious why this could be detrimental to the future of the relationship.

A girl who would mention it, said it had an impact, said she is trying to get over it, and said it at the beginning as a slight warning ... like 'you need to be a little slow with me in that department, it causes some bad reactions' without going further in the detail, would indicate a girl who is aware of the problem and is trying to get over it.

 

I think you should be vague initially as well because the 'damsel' does something to guys.

It activates the 'protect' part of our brain, we need to feel that we can protect you, that we can prove you wrong, that we are not like him.

This can be detrimental to the relationship because he will change, and not in good ways.

 

I also think you should go for sex later in the relationship, maybe 2 months in.

And tell him of the HSV-2, inform him completely of what it means.

 

thanks for your answer, I still don't understand who would play a damsel if there is no other reason, because I noticed that to be a virgin is a "sin" in our society ....

 

so If I tell you I was in abusive relationship would you answer "hmm"? I just need to know, because I am not sure what answer I should expect. I didn't really mind hmm, but he then proved he really didn't care so I take "hmm" like an answer "I don't care", but maybe I am wrong.

thanks anyway!

[Coffee20]

and Radu I didn't offer him this information willingly, I told him after 1,5 month and I kept it quite vague, I didn't go into details, he didn't ask me anyway

 

please let me understand how do you mean the sentence that you think she plays the damsel role because if someone tells you she was in abusive relat. you think she plays the damsel role?? I don't understand this well

[irin]

I noticed that to be a virgin is a "sin" in our society ....

 

this absolutely true, i should know.

 

but i still dont why you'd have to disclose such intimation to someone you barely know. or just starting dating.

 

i think you should be very clear to put off the topic of sex until you get to a person really well.

[Coffee20]

this absolutely true, i should know.

 

but i still dont why you'd have to disclose such intimation to someone you barely know. or just starting dating.

 

i think you should be very clear to put off the topic of sex until you get to a person really well.

 

I don't talk about sex and I it's mainly me who wants to wait, but always a man asks me on the first date about my experience etc.

[Coffee20]

I'll be honest with you, i'd probably say 'hmmm'.

I am a cynic so i generaly don't take things at face value, especially this kind of stuff ... i just got burned way too many times by girls playing the damsel.

If i got to know her better and i believed her, i would need that information to know what buttons not to push in sex, it is absolutely essential.

 

So i think you should take pteromom's advice and keep it vague.

I've personally learned over time that someone [girl] who offers this kind of information willingly is either over it and accepted it as a part of who she is now, or playing the damsel role.

A girl who hides/lies about it, is bad too because she covers it up, refuses to face the problem. It's obvious why this could be detrimental to the future of the relationship.

A girl who would mention it, said it had an impact, said she is trying to get over it, and said it at the beginning as a slight warning ... like 'you need to be a little slow with me in that department, it causes some bad reactions' without going further in the detail, would indicate a girl who is aware of the problem and is trying to get over it.

 

I think you should be vague initially as well because the 'damsel' does something to guys.

It activates the 'protect' part of our brain, we need to feel that we can protect you, that we can prove you wrong, that we are not like him.

This can be detrimental to the relationship because he will change, and not in good ways.

 

I also think you should go for sex later in the relationship, maybe 2 months in.

And tell him of the HSV-2, inform him completely of what it means.

 

aaaah I think I got the point about the damsel role, I didn't look at it this way, wow new perspective for me

[Coffee20]

I don't want to look like I protect myself hard now, still I know I do....but this information about my abuse only my ex and people on this forum know, I haven't told anyone else and I am not sure I want. He was the one I really trusted.

[Greznog]

I would certainly be honest, withholding this kind of information is deceptive as it impacts a rather important aspect of any relationship.

[Coffee20]

Sorry Radu that I messed my posts for you, I didn't know the meaning of that word "damsel", I searched on the internet. English is not my language and I don't get some meanings.

And I am sorry that someone played this on you. Still I don't get why would anyone use abusive relationship to play the damsel.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I told him after 1,5 month and I kept it quite vague, I didn't go into details, he didn't ask me anyway

 

 

NOW the tough task shall be your convincing yourself to handle the next relationship's disclosure EXACTLY as you handled telling this boyfriend about your past abuses. The timing was fine, you put it out there, and you didn't dwell on it too much.

 

The worry is, from that ONE experience, that you will change everything for thinking that your timing somehow made it wrong.

 

I vote that you were very sensible in waiting a bit, but telling him clearly, and that you should do exactly the same again.

[Radu]

and Radu I didn't offer him this information willingly, I told him after 1,5 month and I kept it quite vague, I didn't go into details, he didn't ask me anyway

 

please let me understand how do you mean the sentence that you think she plays the damsel role because if someone tells you she was in abusive relat. you think she plays the damsel role?? I don't understand this well

 

I don't think she plays that role, i suspect that is a possibility and i would guard myself against it.

 

It's hard to explain it but some women like to play the damsel.

This is their way of chasing men.

It has been my experience that women who play the damsel role, are full of drama, and may even have mental problems, they tend to victimise themselves.

They are many times psychological abusers.

 

What i meant by it is that personally i would consider this possibility, and guard myself against it with being more attentive to how you are.

Again, this is how i am and probably how not most guys are.

 

--

 

I think the best way for you to do this is not to play the damsel [provide full information on the 1st-2nd date, ask for help, cry ... make him promise he is not like those guys ... this is what i mean by 'playing the damsel'], and not to lie about it either ... you can't build a good relationship on lies.

I think you did good by offering that information at 1.5months and the outcome did not depend on you, he was broken as some guys are.

 

I hope you have better luck with your future beau.

 

PS: I saw your posts after i made this reply.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Radu

[Coffee20]

I don't think she plays that role, i suspect that is a possibility and i would guard myself against it.

 

It's hard to explain it but some women like to play the damsel.

This is their way of chasing men.

It has been my experience that women who play the damsel role, are full of drama, and may even have mental problems, they tend to victimise themselves.

They are many times psychological abusers.

 

What i meant by it is that personally i would consider this possibility, and guard myself against it with being more attentive to how you are.

Again, this is how i am and probably how not most guys are.

 

--

 

I think the best way for you to do this is not to play the damsel [provide full information on the 1st-2nd date, ask for help, cry ... make him promise he is not like those guys ... this is what i mean by 'playing the damsel'], and not to lie about it either ... you can't build a good relationship on lies.

I think you did good by offering that information at 1.5months and the outcome did not depend on you, he was broken as some guys are.

 

I hope you have better luck with your future beau.

 

PS: I saw your posts after i made this reply.

 

Hello Radu,

thanks for making it clear and no I am not like that at all. I am very introverted and I have hard times to be open, on the other hand, when I am open to someone, I talk too much and I usually choose the wrong person. And I agree with the one point, although you said 1,5 is a good time, I think now I should wait more, maybe 4 months.....Because I gave him first kiss after one month of dating, I felt it could be the right time, he gave me back but later he told me it was too quick and same with sex, we had after 4 months and later he told me he wanted to have after 8 months.....He told me it was too quick for him, although I thought this amount of time was ok (it was even ok for me and I am considered as slow). I know he was broken, on the other hand, how could be someone so broken if I was his first more serious relationship (he was with his first ex only for 2 months, though it seemed to me she had to be the perfect one as he described her and missed her). And that's also the reason why I forgave him the first 2,5 weird months we had. I asked him whether he would help me with one subject (it was only small part, I needed like 1 hour of teaching) and it was exactly after 1,5 month of dating and of course I offered something back. And of course he went for another date and didn't help me. So I thought I was too quick and I shouldn't have asked him. And then he went with his friends (boys) and their gfs and he even organized a game day and he invited there some girls but not me and I thought at the beginning it was because he knew me for short time but he didn't invite me even after 8 months. But that's different story.

 

And I know what you mean if you protect yourself from these kind of women....I do the same with men, because almost each date I used to have, those men have to feel something from me, like they can be open or what and they tell me everything about their previous relationships, how bad it was, how bad people treat them etc. And I don't like it on the first dates because I want to have fun and see the bright side of those people.

 

p.s. but thanks for different point of view because now there is another reason for his weird behavior, if it was that quick and he didn't tell me it was, he maybe guarded himself too, he was after break up with that girl and I also think he took me as a rebound

Edited August 29, 2012 by Coffee20

[Emilia]

I don't talk about sex and I it's mainly me who wants to wait, but always a man asks me on the first date about my experience etc.

 

How do you meet these men?

[Coffee20]

How do you meet these men?

 

usually online

[Radu]

Hello Radu,

thanks for making it clear and no I am not like that at all. I am very introverted and I have hard times to be open, on the other hand, when I am open to someone, I talk too much and I usually choose the wrong person. And I agree with the one point, although you said 1,5 is a good time, I think now I should wait more, maybe 4 months.....Because I gave him first kiss after one month of dating, I felt it could be the right time, he gave me back but later he told me it was too quick and same with sex, we had after 4 months and later he told me he wanted to have after 8 months.....He told me it was too quick for him, although I thought this amount of time was ok (it was even ok for me and I am considered as slow). I know he was broken, on the other hand, how could be someone so broken if I was his first more serious relationship (he was with his first ex only for 2 months, though it seemed to me she had to be the perfect one as he described her and missed her). And that's also the reason why I forgave him the first 2,5 weird months we had. I asked him whether he would help me with one subject (it was only small part, I needed like 1 hour of teaching) and it was exactly after 1,5 month of dating and of course I offered something back. And of course he went for another date and didn't help me. So I thought I was too quick and I shouldn't have asked him. And then he went with his friends (boys) and their gfs and he even organized a game day and he invited there some girls but not me and I thought at the beginning it was because he knew me for short time but he didn't invite me even after 8 months. But that's different story.

I think he was just ... wrong.

I think he was playing you, and he was not that into you.

 

And I know what you mean if you protect yourself from these kind of women....I do the same with men, because almost each date I used to have, those men have to feel something from me, like they can be open or what and they tell me everything about their previous relationships, how bad it was, how bad people treat them etc. And I don't like it on the first dates because I want to have fun and see the bright side of those people.

One of the first things i learned when i started reading PUA stuff almost 2yrs ago was how to behave on dates, as my system of reference did not do it.

And this was in clear warning ... do not talk in a bad way about your ex.

At the time i didn't know what it means, now i know that some of those who do it victimize themselves and try to play the damsel [guys do that too] or you could also interpret it as a warning about themselves.

I remember one guy who made a post along the lines 'listen to what they say to you, many times those women who are broken will tell you they are broken ... when this happens do not rush in as captain save-a-damsel, think with your logic mind instead of your emotions'.

I think this applies to women who date men as well.

Exercising boundaries, now it is a very big red flag for me if she tells me on the 1st date about how bad her ex was.

 

p.s. but thanks for different point of view because now there is another reason for his weird behavior, if it was that quick and he didn't tell me it was, he maybe guarded himself too, he was after break up with that girl and I also think he took me as a rebound

Probably, ppl who are on a rebound do the whole future faking thing ... which means they accelerate their rebound relationship and convince themselves it's love ... but it's hollow.

I guess he knows best.