How can I get the wife to find out?

[Bunny85]

I am new to this forum, I am looking for help if anyone can offer I'd really appreciate it.

I have been seeing the MM for about 4 years. Quite frankly, I am tired of standing by watching him and his wife's life get better and better. I want her to find out about me and the extent of the affair he has been having with me. Before they were married, he and I were best friends. She didn't want him talking to me anymore because at one point long ago, he broke up with her to try and be with me (but I had a BF at the time). So, she does not think he and I even speak, let alone having a major affair. He has also defamed me to her and all of his friends/family saying that I am a psycho trying to be with him. This way, when i call he has an excuse saying that Im just still trying to call but that we don't actually talk.

 

How can I get her to find out about me without directly telling her or making it so obvious that its me? I know that if I told her, she would not believe me. He has told her and everyone he knows that I am a psycho, in case she sees me calling, he can not answer and just say I'm a psycho still trying to stay in contact with him. So, I know she will not believe it, no matter the proof. Also, I want her to find out in a way that isn't completely obvious its me. I want him to accept responsibility for what hes done. If he knows its me, he will say oh its HER fault my marriage is in trouble now, instead of oh its my own fault for cheating. And yes, on a pathetic end, I do not want him to be mad at me for it. Sad i know.

 

Can anyone offer any advice?? Thanks in advance.

(Also, he does not work a job with set hours, so it is never suspicious when he is not home at a certain time.)

[quankanne]

for the sake of your sanity, walk away. You don't need this kind of shxt in your life, no matter how much you think you love him. He obviously doesn't respect you because he strings you along but lies to her, and he obviously doesn't respect her because he's screwing around on her with you.

 

but, if you *really* need to have him, start collecting evidence of your life "together" ... hire a detective to take photographs and verify that you're screwing this guy, then pass them along to her.

 

hell, go for broke if you want him that badly: Confront him in front of her and find out just where your relationship is going. While he might diss you because she's there, it'll give you the answer of how he really feels about you, and maybe you'll wise up and get out of this relationship.

 

you and his wife deserve sooooo much better than what Mr. Love Monkey is dishing out. Think about it: He gets the best of the both of you, but y'all only get a small piece of him.

Edited August 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[freestyle]

Why do you want to be with a man who has defamed you to all his family & friends?

 

Set your mind on fast-forward---let's say everything happens that you wish--He & his W divorce, and he chooses you.

 

Everyone else in his life is going to be giving you the hairy eyeball---are you going to expect him to walk away from all of his friends, and family, too, on your behalf?

 

I'd also like to advise against trying to create a D-day in his marriage---it's most likely to backfire on you.

[losingmyground]

How can I get her to find out about me without directly telling her or making it so obvious that its me?

 

Make copies of all of your emails, photos, cell phone records and any proof you can find. Put them all in a envelope and have a friend/coworker drop it off. Or if you even have the guts do it yourself. Be prepared to be drop kicked.

 

I want him to accept responsibility for what hes done. If he knows its me, he will say oh its HER fault my marriage is in trouble now, instead of oh its my own fault for cheating.

 

To be honest...it is the fault of both of you.

 

And yes, on a pathetic end, I do not want him to be mad at me for it. Sad i know.

 

You need to realize that once his BS finds out...he will be mad, then hurt but in the end your relationship will never be the same. Hopefully she will kick him out and tell him to run to you with open arms.

[Spark1111]

Wait...it was OKAY for him to refer to you as a psycho to deflect her attention from the affair when it suited you, but now that it no longer suits you, this is NOT okay?

 

For four years?????

 

And now you are in a snit and want to change what you had allowed to be ok?

 

And you don't want him to know it's you or be angry with you?

 

So you were a doormat for this guy and NOW, FOUR YEARS LATER, you are upset with.....WHO exactly?

 

Her, for having a life that appears to be getting better and better? Him, for stringing you along while defaming you?

 

Or you, for allowing it to happen to you at all?

 

Not wanting him to know you are outing him tells me you went along with it for four years but have recently come to realize....what? That he has no intention of leaving her?

 

I am all FOR telling the BS.

 

But why now? And why does it have to be a secret from him?

[Emme]

If you pursue this you will seem like a psycho.

 

What you need to focus on is you. Finding out how to move on from this man that has you planning and scheming.

 

If you really want her to find out. Let go of him. He'll mess up on his own. Things always come into the light. It's only a matter of time.

[wanting more]

And I say that as I am going thru out 2nd d-day. And experience with the 1st d-day has not made this one easier. Walk away. 4 years?? He's not leaving. I've been in mine over 3. This is horrible. I haven't talked to MM in over a week. Except when he called me and asked for help in down playing the A which like an idiot I did. I know from this day on he's out of my life. It will be very hard as I really really do love him. But he threw me under the bus to save his own ass. I've got an email typed to her which I haven't sent yet, really want to calm down and think rationally before I send it, even though I have her emails, voicemails and text she sent me calling me pathetic, psycho, crazy and let's not leave out lower than a little trashy slut. It's not worth it for you. Take my advice.

[whichwayisup]

I am new to this forum, I am looking for help if anyone can offer I'd really appreciate it.

I have been seeing the MM for about 4 years. Quite frankly, I am tired of standing by watching him and his wife's life get better and better. I want her to find out about me and the extent of the affair he has been having with me. Before they were married, he and I were best friends. She didn't want him talking to me anymore because at one point long ago, he broke up with her to try and be with me (but I had a BF at the time). So, she does not think he and I even speak, let alone having a major affair. He has also defamed me to her and all of his friends/family saying that I am a psycho trying to be with him. This way, when i call he has an excuse saying that Im just still trying to call but that we don't actually talk.

 

How can I get her to find out about me without directly telling her or making it so obvious that its me? I know that if I told her, she would not believe me. He has told her and everyone he knows that I am a psycho, in case she sees me calling, he can not answer and just say I'm a psycho still trying to stay in contact with him. So, I know she will not believe it, no matter the proof. Also, I want her to find out in a way that isn't completely obvious its me. I want him to accept responsibility for what hes done. If he knows its me, he will say oh its HER fault my marriage is in trouble now, instead of oh its my own fault for cheating. And yes, on a pathetic end, I do not want him to be mad at me for it. Sad i know.

 

Can anyone offer any advice?? Thanks in advance.

(Also, he does not work a job with set hours, so it is never suspicious when he is not home at a certain time.)

 

"Hi, I'm bunny. I've been having an affair with your husband for four years and I'm in love with him and I wanted you to know the truth. I'm sorry that this is hurting you but he loves me as much as I love him. I have proof, four years worth of (insert email/texts/pictures/love letters) to show you."

 

 

 

Let me ask, don't you find it odd that if he truly loved you, wanted to leave his wife and be with you ,he would just do it? Tell her goodbye, and divorce? MM and MW who truly love their OW/OM and want them, DO divorce. Sounds like your MM just wants you in his life as an affair and he still wants to stay married. He IS throwing you under the bus by telling her and everybody that you're pyscho. doesn't that make you hurt and angry?

[Leelou]

 

How can I get her to find out about me without directly telling her or making it so obvious that its me? I know that if I told her, she would not believe me. He has told her and everyone he knows that I am a psycho, in case she sees me calling, he can not answer and just say I'm a psycho still trying to stay in contact with him. So, I know she will not believe it, no matter the proof. Also, I want her to find out in a way that isn't completely obvious its me. I want him to accept responsibility for what hes done.

Bunny, don't become a bunny boiler! When you have willingly been the OW for years, it is NOT your right to rat out your MM!

You have been just as wrong as he has, so stay away from telling his wife.

 

Your options are to carry on as before, or to break up with him. Don't lower yourself even more by becoming a crazy exOW.

 

I don't get 'get' WHY you would tell on him? Do you want him to suffer and go through hell and drama, and to lose his marriage, and if he has any kids, to be away from them?

Or are you simply greedy for more than what he's offering you, and cannot ask him for more, but want to set him up for major hurt and drama, so you can get what YOU want from him, without asking?

Or are you just plain and simple want to cause pain and suffering to him, to his wife, and to their family?

 

WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION?

 

It's not okay

[denise_xo]

If you pursue this you will seem like a psycho.

 

This. That idea sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

[LadyElaine]

Get on with it. Tell her. Write to her. Send her the proof. Preferably own your 50% responsibility for disrespecting her and ruining her life. But whatever you do tell her. She deserves to be free of the cheater if she wants to be.

Edited August 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Got it]

Why do you want to tell her? And why do you not want to be tied to the passing of the information?

 

If it is to get him knocked off his fence you might not get the result (or any result) that you are looking for.

 

And with the dynamic set up, why do you want to continue with him? What value is he bringing to your life?

 

If you want her to know, though I am not sure how to do it without it being tied to you, like others said make copies of everything and send it to her.

 

If you are at a point where you want to force a dday, my best advice is to walk away. He may still not choose. And is he really worthy of you?

[scatterd]

if you do not want her to know who it is. Send an anonymous letter with a picture. Or call her and say

you are someone else. She might be thankful. Another way is say yousaw them and come to a certain place where you go often. The best you can do is come out in the open and not be secretive. Maybe she will kick him to the curb.

[Bunny85]

I'm sorry, I must be confused of what this forum is. I thought it was for support and for people to be non-judgemental.

So many of you are jumping down my throat saying he won't leave her blah blah, well guess what I do not expect him too. I do not even expect her to leave him.

I want her to know because she should. I want him to have to deal with it. Am I hurt and angry? Of course. I want his life with her to be what it should be if she knew the truth. I'm tired of him living happily through his life with no consequence while I am defamed and left with his lies.

I only recently found out that he has been defaming me to everyone, so no, I did not "let it happen" or think it was ok and now I'm mad. I have been wondering how its possible that all this time she hasn't seen a text or call from me and wondered whats going on, and his friend told me that he has been saying those things.

 

I'm going to stop trying to "defend" myself or just shoot down what you people are saying. If anyone has an actual answer to my question or a helpful reply, please share.

 

If all you want to do is say anything else or have no experience with being a MM or OW, or even the wife being cheated on, please don't bother.

[Owl]

I'm sorry, I must be confused of what this forum is. I thought it was for support and for people to be non-judgemental.

So many of you are jumping down my throat saying he won't leave her blah blah, well guess what I do not expect him too. I do not even expect her to leave him.

I want her to know because she should. I want him to have to deal with it. Am I hurt and angry? Of course. I want his life with her to be what it should be if she knew the truth. I'm tired of him living happily through his life with no consequence while I am defamed and left with his lies.

I only recently found out that he has been defaming me to everyone, so no, I did not "let it happen" or think it was ok and now I'm mad. I have been wondering how its possible that all this time she hasn't seen a text or call from me and wondered whats going on, and his friend told me that he has been saying those things.

 

I'm going to stop trying to "defend" myself or just shoot down what you people are saying. If anyone has an actual answer to my question or a helpful reply, please share.

 

If all you want to do is say anything else or have no experience with being a MM or OW, or even the wife being cheated on, please don't bother.

 

I'd say that if your goal is for her to know the truth..."to know because she should"...then tell her yourself, honestly and up front.

 

Call her and tell her the whole truth about what has gone on, what is going on, and answer any questions she has truthfully and honestly. Tell her up front at the very start of the conversation why you're telling her all of this.

 

She may be angry or confrontational...simply remain calm, let it wash off of you like a duck...and keep going.

 

If she refuses to believe you or hangs up...that's on her, you've tried your best to get this out in the open.

 

Don't try to do it anonymously...she probably won't believe it if it came from someone not willing to be honest with her about their identity.

 

Once she knows the truth...what do you think will be the outcome, and what do you plan on doing from there?

[suki1]

Like everyone says, if you really want her to know then you should go speak to her and take proof.

 

I have a couple of questions though. What do you want to achieve? As in, do you hope he'll leave and be with you, because from what you've said it seems unlikely. If he loved and respected you he would not call you a psycho to anyone, because he would be thinking of the long game and that one day he might want to present you to his family and friends as his new partner, which would be rather difficult having slagged you off something ridiculous.

 

Secondly, please consider what this is doing to you. Remember the person you were 4-5 years ago, what would she have to say looking in now? From my experience, a manipulative MM will definitely change us and not for the better. You do not want to become in truth the psycho he is describing to other people.

 

Everything I'm saying here comes from a place of caring and respect for you. Please think about all this honey, decide what you are worth and act like you're worth that much because no man will treat you like you're worth anything unless you treat yourself like you're worth something.

[Emme]

This. That idea sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

If the wife, family, friends already think that you are crazy why give them more ammo. That's the logic I'm going with.

 

If I was the wife I would have her arrested just for my amusement.... But that's just me.

 

It's time for garlic and the cross... Stay away from the man and his family.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm sorry, I must be confused of what this forum is. I thought it was for support and for people to be non-judgemental.

So many of you are jumping down my throat saying he won't leave her blah blah, well guess what I do not expect him too. I do not even expect her to leave him.

I want her to know because she should. I want him to have to deal with it. Am I hurt and angry? Of course. I want his life with her to be what it should be if she knew the truth. I'm tired of him living happily through his life with no consequence while I am defamed and left with his lies.

I only recently found out that he has been defaming me to everyone, so no, I did not "let it happen" or think it was ok and now I'm mad. I have been wondering how its possible that all this time she hasn't seen a text or call from me and wondered whats going on, and his friend told me that he has been saying those things.

 

I'm going to stop trying to "defend" myself or just shoot down what you people are saying. If anyone has an actual answer to my question or a helpful reply, please share.

 

If all you want to do is say anything else or have no experience with being a MM or OW, or even the wife being cheated on, please don't bother.

 

Just because you don't like what people have to say doesn't mean their advice or opinions aren't valid.

[Emme]

I'm sorry, I must be confused of what this forum is. I thought it was for support and for people to be non-judgemental.

So many of you are jumping down my throat saying he won't leave her blah blah, well guess what I do not expect him too. I do not even expect her to leave him.

I want her to know because she should. I want him to have to deal with it. Am I hurt and angry? Of course. I want his life with her to be what it should be if she knew the truth. I'm tired of him living happily through his life with no consequence while I am defamed and left with his lies.

I only recently found out that he has been defaming me to everyone, so no, I did not "let it happen" or think it was ok and now I'm mad. I have been wondering how its possible that all this time she hasn't seen a text or call from me and wondered whats going on, and his friend told me that he has been saying those things.

 

I'm going to stop trying to "defend" myself or just shoot down what you people are saying. If anyone has an actual answer to my question or a helpful reply, please share.

 

 

I beg your pardon.

 

It's seems you have a short term memory. Lets recap shall we.

 

 

Quite frankly, I am tired of standing by watching him and his wife's life get better and better. I want her to find out about me and the extent of the affair he has been having with me.

 

That is pure bitterness in my opinion. That to me says nothing about his wife's well being as your true intentions. So lets start again.

 

Let's get real. You are pissed off at the fact that this woman, his wife, is getting all the praise and adoration. You're angry about this because you feel you've been doing the work to keep him happy and want recognition in addition to destroying their marriage. You are not doing this because you care for her well being. You helped give this man happiness and now you want to take it away.

 

Remember sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you.

 

My advice is to let your name be on his tongue while you move on with your life happily.

[alexandria35]

Many people did offer you helpful advice. Some said you should make sure you provide proof or the wife won't believe you. Some said he's not worth this much drama and you should let it go and go live your life and find happiness. Both suggestions sound valid to me.

[KatZee]

I beg your pardon.

 

It's seems you have a short term memory. Lets recap shall we.

 

 

 

 

That is pure bitterness in my opinion. That to me says nothing about his wife's well being as your true intentions. So lets start again.

 

Let's get real. You are pissed off at the fact that this woman, his wife, is getting all the praise and adoration. You're angry about this because you feel you've been doing the work to keep him happy and want recognition in addition to destroying their marriage. You are not doing this because you care for her well being. You helped give this man happiness and now you want to take it away.

 

Remember sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you.

 

My advice is to let your name be on his tongue while you move on with your life happily.

 

Agree. Completely. This has been going on for FOUR YEARS. Where was this "need" for her to know what a scumbag her husband is three years and 6 months ago?

 

It's only coming out NOW, that you're finding out he's been painting you the psycho that you feel the need to lash out and come out with all of this.

 

You're not doing this for his wife's benefit. You're not doing this to "do the right thing."

 

It's pure spite, revenge, and hatred at this point.

 

End it and move on with your life.

[Leelou]

I'm sorry, I must be confused of what this forum is. I thought it was for support and for people to be non-judgemental.

So many of you are jumping down my throat saying he won't leave her blah blah,

Um, you must understand that we ARE being supportive! Just understand that people have different ideas of what you should do, and their advice will naturally differ according to their morals, life experience, and thoughts on how to achieve what you want to achieve. You were NOT clear in your first post as to WHAT your motivation was. When people advise you not to rat him out, they think you were trying to destroy his life so you could have him... how can they be 'supportive' of that silly goal? They tried to advise you a safer route to go. When you come on these boards looking for advice, you must understand people are not robots, they have their OWN ideas about what is the 'right' way to go, and will advise you accordingly. Take what you want, leave the rest. But don't be telling them off as if they are not doing their best for you.

 

well guess what I do not expect him too. I do not even expect her to leave him.

I want her to know because she should. I want him to have to deal with it. Am I hurt and angry? Of course. I want his life with her to be what it should be if she knew the truth. I'm tired of him living happily through his life with no consequence while I am defamed and left with his lies.

I only recently found out that he has been defaming me to everyone, so no, I did not "let it happen" or think it was ok and now I'm mad.

Look, if you love this man, then give him the benefit of the doubt and give him the possibility that he only used that defaming to defend his/your affair from being discovered. Surely he loves you?

Obviously it isn't 'nice' to be bad-mouthed for WHATEVER the reason (here it is for security and safety), but that goes with the territory of Affairs -- Lies, Deception, and not-nice things which are hidden and kept in the dark. If you want an open, loving, public relationship you need to choose a man that is NOT trying to hide, because he is already publically 'taken'.... it's your choice.

 

I have been wondering how its possible that all this time she hasn't seen a text or call from me and wondered whats going on, and his friend told me that he has been saying those things.

So did this friend of his know the REAL truth -- that MM loves you and is having a 3 year affair with you? Or does this friend not know you are the lover? If it's just a ruse, or a front, perhaps the MM does not realize how insulting and offending it is to put anything negative onto your character...? You might want to take it up with him... why are you going underground in your handling of this offensive matter? Be open. Stick up for yourself.

 

I'm going to stop trying to "defend" myself or just shoot down what you people are saying. If anyone has an actual answer to my question or a helpful reply, please share.

Hire a PI to follow you and take pics and take his report and mail it to the wife. You cannot copy your texts and emails for her, because your MM will figure out pretty quickly that it IS you, right?

And really, try comb out what your REAL motivation is... is it revenge against him, and to hurt him back, or is it to try get him for yourself? These are real questions, and while you can choose to ignore them, trust me, when the Truth hits the fan, and Everyone you know knows what you've been doing, you will be faced with way worse criticism and 'judgments' than you feel you are being faced with HERE on this board... are you SURE you want to expose yourself? You will be called names, and thought of in a very poor light... and for what?... think hard.

If all you want to do is say anything else or have no experience with being a MM or OW, or even the wife being cheated on, please don't bother.

I am an OW recently going NC with MM. My MM used to have an ex OW (before me) who he was seeing for a few years before she decided to tell his wife about their affair. She told the wife face to face at the house. The wife kicked MM out and he chose to sleep on a friend's couch for the next 18 months. During this time he continued to see OW but did not live with her. He also continued to try get back with his W all this time, but she moved on and got a new man. Eventually, MM succeeded in charming his wife, and she let him back into the house after the year and a half... MM continued to see the OW even after he got back into the marital home. Just to show you that it's possible that some MM LIKE their set-up exactly as it is, and do NOT want to replace their wife with their woman-on-the-side...

[PhoenixRise]

Bunny85

 

 

This MM has already prepared for the fact that you might one day tell his wife about the affair. That is why he went out of his way to kill your credibility.

 

Because of this, there is no way you can do this anonymously. The wife and his friends have already been convinced not to believe you.

 

Anything you send or say or have someone else say that doesn't include specific proof won't be believed. In fact it will be seen as confirmation of everything MM has said about you. They will circle the wagons to protect themselves from what she thinks is the crazy lady obsessed with her husband.

 

Anything that you could send anonymously (texts, emails, pictures, etc) even if you got someone to send it for you, would clearly come from you......who else would have access to that kind of info? It would prove the affair and that you are not some crazy person stalking him but everybody would know that proof originated from you.

 

I think you need to accept the facts on the ground and decide based on those facts if telling her is important enough to you for you to get your hands dirty because IMO there is no way to avoid it.

[UpwardForward]

He used you for four years.

 

Possibly she has suspected in these years.

 

If you are doing this to clear the air - and Finally go forward with your life, do it verbally on the phone - so you will not wonder if she received the communication.

 

Any response you receive from her at the time of initial call, will probably not be her final conclusion in this.

 

IMO, she will probably forgive him and the M will remain intact.

[KathyM]

I think you should tell her, regardless of your motivations for doing so. She has a right to know about the scumbag she's married to, and you're the only one who could give her that information. You'd be doing her a favor by shedding some light on this. So go ahead and forward to her Emails from him to you if you can find out her Email address. Or go ahead and call her and let her know specifics of your meetings with him, and apologize profusely for getting involved with her husband, and assure her that you will never be involved with him again. Or forward her pictures of you and him or just him in places that show you have been with him during their marriage. No reason you have to give your name if she doesn't know it.