boyfriend' sister in law is ruining my relationship

[fiona1989]

OK. Here's my story.

 

I am currently in a relationship that has lasted for almost 5 years. Things have always been good for us. We kept it going even as a long distance relationship but now we are having trouble because of a quite silly reason and I am seriously thinking about ending things. It has become too difficult for me to cope.

 

The problem is his family. More specifically his brother's wife. Since day one she made it clear for me that we would not be friends. She ignored me. She refused to speak to me for a couple of years although she would always try to sit next to me at the table so I would feel uncomfortable (it had become so awkward for me that I stopped attending family gatherings where she would be present). She embarrassed me in public by letting me lean in for a kiss and just changing her mind about it. She opened the door for me at my boyfriend's mom's house but did not respond to my hello and just walked away, without even acknowledging my presence (on numerous occasions). She was careful enough to say hello to me when people were nearby, but that's about it.

 

I tried to understand what I did wrong and I tried being the better person and just ignoring the bad manners. I thought that if she would get to know me better she would change her attitude. She refused to exchange more than 2 lines with me. I even tried asking her for advice (she's older) but she got defensive about it and took it as an offense regarding her age:confused:.

 

The only person that realized what was happening was my boyfriend. His mom has probably noticed that something's not quite right but she's trying to treat this tactfully by not acknowledging the problem and hoping it disappears. It's either that or she genuinely likes this woman too much to bother with her attitude problem.

 

Normally I would not give it too much attention but my boyfriend is really close to his family and that means I have to go through the whole unnerving experience at least once a week and it's frankly too much for me. He says there is nothing he can do about it and he agrees that it has become a problem in our relationship. I feel that she wants me out of the picture and that nobody is reacting. I feel hurt and although he seems to care there is nothing he is willing to do.

 

I feel we should break up. I am not willing to deal with this for the rest of my life. I love him though. Is there any other solution?

[TripLine]

There is not much your boyfriend can't do, and the mom won't choose between the two of you.

I think she is miffed that you are the new step-daughter around the house, and she feels threatened. Maybe you are better looking and younger?

[Better_Days]

Well, you need to find out the cause of the problem in order to solve it, right?

 

If she is not talking to you, have your bf find out what the problem is.

 

Either you suck up to her to get on her good side or you fight for your place that you deserve some respect. Point is, not doing anything or simply waiting for her to change is not going to happen.

 

Clearly, your bf ain't doing his part. Tell him he needs to step up on this if he doesn't want to lose you. Don't go extreme though like it's either me or her. Be reasonable and show that you are willing to work with the right help.

[january2011]

Has your boyfriend spoken to his brother to find out what's going on? His brother is the one who brought her into the family and therefore it's his "job" to communicate and mediate on family issues with her. I don't think the mum (or anyone else) should get involved in this.

[fiona1989]

I don't know about the better looking part (it's subjective) but she is 7 or 8 years older. I have studied abroad, I've traveled to some extent and my relationship was up until recently perfect. I also thought that she was envious but I don't think she would be so insecure because she got what she wanted out of life also. It was really important for her to get married and get a bigger house and they did those things.

 

You're right, it's not like the mom could choose. And I wouldn't want her to do that. But sometimes I get so frustrated because the SIL is nice to everyone but me that I start thinking I am the problem.

[fiona1989]

Has your boyfriend spoken to his brother to find out what's going on? His brother is the one who brought her into the family and therefore it's his "job" to communicate and mediate on family issues with her. I don't think the mum (or anyone else) should get involved in this.

 

I would not get him involved because that would make things unpredictable. His relationship with her is strange. Maybe they love each other but they enjoy putting each other down and making the other feel inferior. They have done this several times and it only made my experience more awkward. But even though they fight and yell at each other and offend each other, they're still together. Maybe she truly is unhappy in her relationship but it's hardly my fault now, is it?

[fiona1989]

Well, you need to find out the cause of the problem in order to solve it, right?

 

If she is not talking to you, have your bf find out what the problem is.

 

Either you suck up to her to get on her good side or you fight for your place that you deserve some respect. Point is, not doing anything or simply waiting for her to change is not going to happen.

 

Clearly, your bf ain't doing his part. Tell him he needs to step up on this if he doesn't want to lose you. Don't go extreme though like it's either me or her. Be reasonable and show that you are willing to work with the right help.

 

My boyfriend told me that she could be jealous because his mother keeps praising me while I'm not there. If she gets upset about something as silly as this she is truly petty.

 

I can't think of any other causes. I've always been on my best behavior even though she hasn't. I've brushed off the fact that she will never say hello to me if she doesn't have some witnesses. I've tried to forget the bullying (if we're at the table and I seem not to eat she will persistently ask me why I'm not eating and if I would like something else). Hell, I didn't make much of it when she started talking to my boyfriend about "His" wedding that he would have in the future, although I was right next to her and she hadn't spoken a single word to me all night.

 

I can see that waiting for it to pass has only made things worse. I genuinely believe she was happy when I did not attend the family gatherings (only because my bf's cousin asked me to and she's so nice, I couldn't refuse) and now that I have she hates me even more...

[oracle]

You are an adult. Dont be nice, be firm and blunt and call her out on in... Do it in front of everyone..

 

Draw your line in the sand and let the chips fall where they may. You have nothing to loose since you are willing to the "end" the relationship.

 

You can be his gf / wife and have nothing to do with this woman at the same time.

 

I would be more worried about the big picture.. if you are willing to end it with someone after 5 years over a scenario like that then I question how much you are actually into him.

[fiona1989]

 

You can be his gf / wife and have nothing to do with this woman at the same time.

 

 

I thought so too for a couple of years but she is a constant presence in our life. She will call my bf almost everyday needing help with this or that. As petty as the scenario seems on paper my feelings are involved and I am sick of having the same discussions with my bf. Family is very important to him and I never asked him to make a choice. But, as I said, at one point I stopped getting involved and he did not like it. He thinks I should just take things as they are and "make this sacrifice for him". I think that's wrong.

 

I do love him but I am hurt and I can see he is unhappy too. So I figure I should just end it. After 5 years I know him too well. He 'll never do anything about it so as not to upset anyone. What he doesn't get is that I'm upset...

[oracle]

I thought so too for a couple of years but she is a constant presence in our life. She will call my bf almost everyday needing help with this or that. As petty as the scenario seems on paper my feelings are involved and I am sick of having the same discussions with my bf. Family is very important to him and I never asked him to make a choice. But, as I said, at one point I stopped getting involved and he did not like it. He thinks I should just take things as they are and "make this sacrifice for him". I think that's wrong.

 

I do love him but I am hurt and I can see he is unhappy too. So I figure I should just end it. After 5 years I know him too well. He 'll never do anything about it so as not to upset anyone. What he doesn't get is that I'm upset...

 

 

Understood.. But I still stand by my first comment.. You have nothing to loose then by laying it all out at family time. No half measures either, no pussy toeing around the subject. SHOCK AND AWE.

 

Sometimes with people like that you need to be the bigger b*tch to get respect.

 

Good luck!

[fiona1989]

After another big fight with my bf I decided to give this relationship another chance. I'm not backing down.

 

I'm going to be all zen about the SIL and try not to show that I'm that bothered. I won't however try to win her over anymore (ineffective).

If she continues, in the long run people will realize what she's up to. And karma's a bitch.

 

Anyway, I think she just got a new target. Someone in the family is having a baby and she called everyone to share the news and her own plans to have one. Raising a kid should keep her busy for the next 20 years

[KatZee]

After another big fight with my bf I decided to give this relationship another chance. I'm not backing down.

 

I'm going to be all zen about the SIL and try not to show that I'm that bothered. I won't however try to win her over anymore (ineffective).

If she continues, in the long run people will realize what she's up to. And karma's a bitch.

 

Anyway, I think she just got a new target. Someone in the family is having a baby and she called everyone to share the news and her own plans to have one. Raising a kid should keep her busy for the next 20 years

 

Ew. She sounds like a nasty competitive person. The issue isn't you. The issue is her and her jealousy/insecurity. I'm willing to bet she's only nice to people who have nothing on her. The reason she "hates" you is because your boyfriend's mom always praises you, you look great on paper, and she's probably super envious of you.

 

Just look at how she behaved when someone broke the news they were having a baby... instead of just enjoying the news, and being happy, she had to go and inject herself into the situation and take the spotlight off this person, and focus it back on herself. "Oh I'm going to have a baby too! Oh look at me, look at me!"

 

This woman needs a good slap in the face.

[flitzanu]

are you sure your boyfriend isn't banging his sister-in-law?

[fiona1989]

are you sure your boyfriend isn't banging his sister-in-law?

 

100% sure

[Lisa_Lisa]

Break that b*tch's jaw. Let her know you've had enough of her bullying.

[fiona1989]

Well, after last night I'm sure my bf is not banging his SIL but I'm also sure she has a crush on him.

 

At the party she constantly tried to make conversation with him. Just him. She came to us, ignored me and punctuated every question by using his name so that I would understand that I should refrain from answering. When I did, she acted like it did not happen.

 

I sat between her and my bf at the table because that was the organized placement. She decided to move next to him because it was a better position and she explicitly told her husband to move because she wanted to sit next to my bf.

 

She picked lint off my bf's shirt. She tried arranging his tie. She talked about football just so she could know his opinion on this or that. She would constantly interrupt our banter with stupid things like offering him (just him) a peach that was on the table. If he wanted one he would have taken one, sheesh. I had told him she would try to do this beforehand so we talked and acted like we could not hear. She insisted 7 times. I couldn't believe my eyes. I thanked her nicely but refused so that she would realize how silly she was acting.

 

At one point I could not take it anymore. She offered him food of her plate. He declined but I told her that if he wanted he could have easily taken food from my plate as it was almost full and I was not hungry. And it would seem "more appropriate", as I put it. That seemed to stop this weird behavior.

 

I don't get it. Am I exaggerating? Is she doing this just to annoy me? I've never been the jealous type so I don't even know how to react.

[KraftDinner]

I went through something VERY similar.

 

My ex-H's sister hated me. And his mom did too. They would totally make fun of me right to my face but when I said anything I 'couldn't take a joke.'

 

They were ridiculous...just took little digs at me constantly. For example, there is a certain actress that EVERYONE told me I looked like...strangers would come up to me and say it. Anyway, once we were sitting there watching TV and this actress was on, and the mom and the sister started going on about how ugly she was. Ummmm...okay, wow, subtle!

 

Constant digs. My ex would not intervene. He just kept telling me to ignore it. This is what hurt me the most! Why couldn't he say anything to his own mom and sister?? He really didn't see it as a problem and he said they were just 'jealous' of me because they were overweight and I was slim.

 

I thought 'as if!' Why would anyone be so petty? I became obsessed....OBSESSED with this situation. When I was in the shower, I'd practise comebacks, things to say to put them in their place the next time they said anything. I thought about them all the time. It really hurt me! I was never able to say anything clever in the way of comebacks because I'd get all tongue-tied.

 

So...I gained a bunch of weight at one point (doctor gave me stupid meds which made me put on the pounds --- I hated it). Sure enough, next thing I know, the mom and I are buddies. Seriously. She started asking me to go shopping with her. I chalked it up to her finally warming up to me.

 

But I went off the meds as he and I moved to another city. We didn't see his fam for a while, but the next time they saw me, I'd completely lost the weight and was very slim.

 

It started again. Mean comments disguised as jokes. My ex wouldn't defend me. He and I were having (unrelated) problems, and this added fuel to the fire. We split up.

 

As we were waiting for the divorce to finalize, he kept asking me where he went wrong. I told him the other reasons and said that about 25 per cent of the reason I wanted to end things was the fact he wouldn't defend me to his mom and sister. He did NOT understand and would keep asking for the reasons, not accepting that his refusal to get involved could even be a factor.

 

He truly did not see it.

 

OP, he won't change. Will you get used to it? Honestly, it's like it or lump it. Ugh, I hate people who won't stand up for their significant others!!!

[Radu]

I think this will apply to your SIL quite well. I honestly have no ideea what her problem is, but a few of the things you mentioned really stood out :

- she has to be the center of attention

- bullies enemies, very manipulative

- highly insecure

 

Read this link, it's very important :

Winning vs. Taking: What Does Winning vs. Taking: What Does Winning Mean to Abusive, High-Conflict and/or Personality Disordered Women? | Shrink4Men

 

I personally think she leans towards histrionic.

And i don't think she will have a child now.

These ppl tend to live life as 'me', relationships are assets to them, children are assets.

 

PS: Does she wear red lipstick often ?

[fiona1989]

I went through something VERY similar.

 

As we were waiting for the divorce to finalize, he kept asking me where he went wrong. I told him the other reasons and said that about 25 per cent of the reason I wanted to end things was the fact he wouldn't defend me to his mom and sister. He did NOT understand and would keep asking for the reasons, not accepting that his refusal to get involved could even be a factor.

 

He truly did not see it.

 

OP, he won't change. Will you get used to it? Honestly, it's like it or lump it. Ugh, I hate people who won't stand up for their significant others!!!

 

wow. Thank you for sharing that. You were really brave putting up with all that. I DO get the feeling that I am obsessing over it (I even started a thread ) but I can't stop thinking it's something I did. We can't all get along and it's not like everyone I've ever met loved me to bits but when you usually don't like someone you don't get out of your way to annoy, bully and generally make them miserable.

 

This woman seems determined to end our relationship. And yes, I've been told it's silly to break up because of this. But you are right: seeing him not to anything about it is what hurts the most. Seeing him passive and even willing to exchange more than 2 words with her in these stupid power games she plays is frustrating me.

 

He tells me he hates it too but he won't do anything about it because if he acts less friendly to her she is "surely" going to complain and his family will be displeased. I can't wrap my mind around this. Should I be constantly displeased then?

 

I also have to deal with her constant flirting with my bf which sometimes makes his own brother uncomfortable.

 

it's like it or lump it, alright and I'm confused about what I should do

[fiona1989]

 

I personally think she leans towards histrionic.

And i don't think she will have a child now.

These ppl tend to live life as 'me', relationships are assets to them, children are assets.

 

PS: Does she wear red lipstick often ?

 

Yes, I thought about it too. But at times I feel that I'm the only one seeing this.

 

She tries to dominate a discussion. Usually all her conversations are about her, her house, her dresses and her in-laws. It's either that or she is bad mouthing someone who is not present. She gets her kicks out of making fun of people for wearing or saying the wrong thing. Then she retells the story years after. She tries to make it become a tag.

 

Obviously, it irks her that she can never get me on the wrong foot so she creates these little situations that are not too over the top, expecting me to react and call me out on being paranoid. I genuinely saw a satisfied look on her face when I refused the peach on behalf of my bf and when I told her he could easily have some of my food if he wanted.

 

She's crossing to many lines and I can't see what she could win by doing this. People are bound to think it strange. Her husband is bound to get annoyed. Even if she gets the final satisfaction and I dump my bf, is she truly going to be happy? I doubt it. Someone else will come along and she will start all over again.

 

P.S. No red lipstick but red hair and a bag full of stories to tell on how men think she is irresistible (I'd call her a 6,5 out of 10 though). And another argument for histrionic behavior: belittling her husband constantly.

[Radu]

Keep reading on that site.

 

Basically logic doesn't work with these ppl because their world doesn't work by the same laws as our world works.

Interestingly enough, these ppl tend to have success profesionally.

They force the realities of other ppl to adapt to their own, they are like a virus once they get into their head.

 

If your future MIL is smart and sees that not all is right, you have a shot at leading a normal life.

It's good that ppl are seeing that something is off in her.

 

Why don't you keep reading on that site, and show your bf the parts that apply to them, he needs to understand that he is damaging you by his inaction and allowing someone else to bully you.

Maybe if he sees that she has a serious disorder, he will understand what you are going through.

This fight with her is not going to stop, unless she stops seeing you as the enemy.

Even if you exposed her how to the world, your BIL divorced her, chances are she would still try to harass you because in their mind they HAVE to win.

So before you venture in this one, make sure your bf is worth fighting for [and there is a question regarding this].

 

In regards to your bf's brother, you said they fight a lot ... what do you mean ?

Overall, look at your bf's brother as either a codependent or a victim of emotional abuse.

Seriously, go and talk to someone who knows and understands psychological abuse [to get into your SIL's head] ... don't let that person dismiss it just because the victim is a man, what you are describing is quite bad.

 

PS: Men react best to the color red, that's why women's red sexy underwear sells well.

Many histrionics put a lot of emphasis on being attractive to the opposite gender [or same gender if it's a histrionic lesbian], so it's natural that they make sure they are always arranged well and to have red on them.

And they don't get better, therapy has very low chances of working on them.

Usually it's their victims that tend to end up in therapy.

They also will not ever honor any deals.

[KraftDinner]

Radu is dead-on when he says your boyfriend is allowing her to bully you.

 

Imho he is so wrong for not defending you.

[fiona1989]

She is not successful on a professional level but earns ok. No high status job. She admits not knowing a lot in her field of activity but is very proud of making it so far. She planted this idea in the BIL's head that he would do a lot worse without her. She tends to contradict him in public, offend him and belittle him. She will not stop at anything but she is harsher when his parents are not around. I honestly can't tell what their problem is as a couple but it should not affect my relationship.

 

I recently found out more unsettling things about this woman. She once had a nervous breakdown and a fight with her husband for the simple reason that my bf would not stay and eat what she cooked. It bothered her that after a few weeks of us not seeing each other, he would spend time with me. I don't get that. Does she want them both?

 

I was surprised to see her wearing a dress and a bracelet identical to some of mine that she had seen previously. Correlated to the whole "hitting on my bf" bit it's terribly creepy.

 

I've had a serious talk with my bf. He agrees this has to stop and we are working together in trying to respond indifferently to her abnormal behavior. I hope he understands it's his responsibility to not let her go any further in this game she is playing. On the other hand, I do hope she finds something better to do soon because she is wasting my time with this...

[fiona1989]

My boyfriend finally stood up for me, not in front of the sister in law, but in front of his mom who kept bugging him about an event the SIL was throwing and we were not attending. After finding out about the SIL's abnormal behavior, she tried to be diplomatic about it and say the SIL doesn't have many subjects to discuss with me because she is not as cultured as myself and that maybe I misinterpreted her tone which often leaves the impression of being rude. I wasn't expecting much from her anyway, I didn't even want to involve her. What I wanted was the opportunity of never having to attend the SIL's parties, without having to answer for it.

 

The thing that annoyed me most though was that the my bf's mother told him that the sister in law had been complaining that my bf and his brother do not spend enough time together and that we do not invite them anywhere. To be more specific she wanted to be invited on our trips abroad. I have never stood between my bf and his brother and they see and talk to each other 5 times a week plus on the phone in the weekend. I could hardly say they are estranged. But I drew the line at our holidays and my bf agreed we would not ruin them by inviting her.

 

So the next day, I was invited over and was asked to spend time with my boyfriend's mom and his sister in law. The SIL, in veiled attempts to criticize me, started analyzing how much make-up I was wearing and my hair (it was all wrong according to her). I let it slide because I'm not confrontational. I have no idea if my boyfriend's mom noticed it... Sometimes I get the feeling she refuses to notice but, at least this time she knew what to look for. I was contradicted by the SIL on every little aspect but this time I fought back with arguments for everything that I was stating. After all, the make-up and hair thing could have been subjective but this was not. I could not believe my BF's mother did not see the SIL's pettiness. Maybe she saw it and decided to ignore it. Anyway, her attitude regarding the SIL did not change and I doubt she reprimanded her.

 

This weekend I have to see them again. And I really don't know what to do anymore.