Are men guilty until proven innocent?

[M30USA]

I remember an old syaing that goes somethinglike this:

 

"Trying to defend yourself is a waste of time. Your friends don't need the explanation, and your enemies won't believe it anyway.

 

Is there an "absolutely love" button?

[Mme. Chaucer]

But really, OP. I have been reading posts of yours since you joined here and you are very heavy on yourself being a completely perfect, and Godly, husband, father, and victim of a horrendous lunatic.

 

I know this does happen … but in case the failure of your marriage had even a thing to do with yourself and how you behaved, it will serve you much better for your own future to spend some time taking a look at this rather than nurturing your role as victim and your ex's as demon.

[M30USA]

But really, OP. I have been reading posts of yours since you joined here and you are very heavy on yourself being a completely perfect, and Godly, husband, father, and victim of a horrendous lunatic.

 

I know this does happen … but in case the failure of your marriage had even a thing to do with yourself and how you behaved, it will serve you much better for your own future to spend some time taking a look at this rather than nurturing your role as victim and your ex's as demon.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

[soccerrprp]

That's what women would like you to believe.

 

 

In analyzing the victim data by relationship to the perpetrator, the 2010 data found that approximately one-half (53.6%) of child abuse and neglect perpetrators were women and slightly more than 45 percent (45.2%) were men. An estimated 84% (84.2) of unique perpetrators were between the ages of 20 and 49 years. (See Chapter 3: Children for more information.)

 

Nice stats, but doesn't tell the whole story. In fact, if we remain true to the OP post, this articles doesn't picture the obvious....that there are a ton of single mothers who have majority or whole custody of their child(ren), so statistically, of course the perpetrator or abuse will more likely be women. Again, going back to the original theme of the OP, who was responsible for the break up or who decided to not take greater responsibility for the care of the child(ren).?

 

Not saying anything other than the given stats is not surprising considering women still remain the primary care-giver after divorce or the guy not taking responsibility, of course.

[Kelemvor]

Of course men are the bad guy in virtually any divorce. It's left over stigma from ages past where you are basically abandoning a woman, whether it's for valid reasons or not. The natural assumption, from society and anyone else for that matter, much of which I think is subconscious... is that the woman will have a more difficult time taking care of herself than the man. Especially if kids are in the picture. It doesn't matter if she cheated with the entire football team, you would be abandoning a woman with or without children to take care of.

 

It just looks bad on paper, so guys tend to get a bad rap. Either way, I can tell you... in a divorce, you are ALWAYS the bad guy, especially to any friends that she has and especially to her family. You might even be the bad guy to your own family. You are especially the bad guy if you are the one seeking or instigating the divorce.

 

It doesn't make a lot of realistic sense, but then again... I "get it". I just don't care, personally.

 

Either way, I don't believe in black and white divorces where it's 100% one person or the other. Most people just don't particularly enjoy taking an honest look at themselves and find it much easier to focus on the other person.

[M30USA]

All these posts are making me realize that, while men are guilty until proven innocent, we just need to make peace with this. Men are always the outsiders of society; we are the loners who solve our own problems and take care of ourselves--while women and children need our help. We know we are born alone and die alone, and that any friends and family in between are a gift to be relinquished when required. We have less attachments and therefore make an easier scapegoat for evil.

[Kelemvor]

Your posts are very strange. It's almost as if you are looking for affirmation for a particular subjective opinion, and then you pivot to this martyrdom mentality.

 

I'm not understanding your goal in some of these threads. Are you simply philosophizing or looking for opinions or is it merely a stream of consciousness in blog format transformed into a forum post?

[M30USA]

Your posts are very strange. It's almost as if you are looking for affirmation for a particular subjective opinion, and then you pivot to this martyrdom mentality.

 

I'm not understanding your goal in some of these threads. Are you simply philosophizing or looking for opinions or is it merely a stream of consciousness in blog format transformed into a forum post?

 

Marry a borderline personality for several years then get back to me.

[carhill]

OP, haven't kept up with your divorce proceedings but I can share that I went through a lot of the same stuff (feelings, observations, confusions, etc) during my D. From talking with my male friends, the ones open enough to share how they feel, it's quite normal IME. As you suggested, acceptance is key to progressing through this. Good luck.

[Kelemvor]

Marry a borderline personality for several years then get back to me.

 

Haha, no thanks. Dating one was bad enough. I may have come across a bit harsh but I'm not trying to be. Your posts just seem a bit all over the place, but maybe that's a result of what you're going through, so best of luck.

[CatalinaSailor]

All these posts are making me realize that, while men are guilty until proven innocent, we just need to make peace with this. Men are always the outsiders of society; we are the loners who solve our own problems and take care of ourselves--while women and children need our help.

 

Not sure if I agree. Where we are is the result of social evolution. We, men, have held the power seats including CEOs, judges, police, politicians etc. Naturally, everyone else is going to chip away until there is a more acceptable balance. The way to change is to vilify the power brokers and that is what happened. Men have relinquished their hold and shared power for the past 50 years but no one gives up anything without resistance. Now, the momentum of subtle male vilification (Homer Simpson, American Dad, etc) is real so we are the usual suspects in all violations of the matters of the heart.

 

We should NOT accept this! The earlier post says a lot about how wrong it is to assume. Turns out women are far more likely to hurt their children than men so why should men accept the social assumption that we are the ones hurting the children the most. We need to stand up for ourselves and defend our honor and accept only what is true about us.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Men are always the outsiders of society; we are the loners who solve our own problems and take care of ourselves--while women and children need our help.

 

I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through, but you really need to look at and abandon this victim mentality. If you insist on retaining the mantle, forget about throwing it over the rest of your gender. Men are not the outsiders of society. Men have had all the power in society until fairly recently.

 

That does not make it right for men to get shafted in custody cases, etc. But it's still the truth.

 

We know we are born alone and die alone, and that any friends and family in between are a gift to be relinquished when required.

 

That's the human condition, not the exclusive province of men who are having a pity party.

[M30USA]

I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through, but you really need to look at and abandon this victim mentality. If you insist on retaining the mantle, forget about throwing it over the rest of your gender. Men are not the outsiders of society. Men have had all the power in society until fairly recently.

 

That does not make it right for men to get shafted in custody cases, etc. But it's still the truth.

 

 

 

That's the human condition, not the exclusive province of men who are having a pity party.

 

Sorry, but I had to deal with her parents who fostered her dysfunction. Initially I knew something was off in the marriage balance, but being the one who moved into HER state surrounded by HER family with only HER opinions, I was lead to believe all this. For example, she kicked me out of my house for simply getting mad at her. I told her father who, instead of getting on her daughters case for treating me like I deserved to be banned from home, actually told ME to apologize for what I did (what did I do?) He told me I needed to take responsibility for my actions if I wanted to stay married. Sure, great. But the second SHE did anything wrong, it was somehow STILL my fault. Her dad told me that's just part of being the head of house--pretty much taking it up the you know what and getting trample over. So sorry if my view is skewed. It was normal before marriage but got distorted during.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Wow I've never seen such a strong divide between the sexes. Lol, I'm a man, and I definitely feel the pull toward our side of this. The rage I feel every time I pick up a book on adultery that assumes the man cheated and only addresses the women victims....UGH....and how many stories do I read constantly about unfaithful wives callously destroying families and feeling smugly self justified for it . How many betrayed women loudly complain about infidelity while betrayed men try to keep quiet and preserve the dignity of their unfaithful wives? How many men tolerate violence to themselves from their wives while women blast any occurence through a loudspeaker?

 

I was faithful to my wife for all 18 years of our relationship. I never once hit her. She cannot claim the same in reverse. Frankly I don't trust published numbers and I'm shocked at how many of my male friends and acquaintences report shocking stories of betrayal from women who think they can do anything they want when their fairytale falls apart and they realize their husbands are the perfect "Prince Charming" treating them like princesses night and day. I think a lot of women live in a dangerous dreamland created by Hollywood and Disney, when real life doesn't live up, they feel completely justified in exactly their unholy revenge.

 

I can feel the assumptions already from the women about what horrible things I must have done to get what I deserved. I'm not all innocent(noone is) but I certainly didn't deserve what I got.