Would you break up over lying by omission

[Samilia]

See, one thing that drives me nuts is people lying.

 

A lot of people are now thinking "lying about cheating", when I'm talking about any kind of lies. It's something I have a hard time forgiving. It also feels like manipulation, which is another flaw that I dislike.

 

The idea that "if I don't tell you then it's not lying" irks me. Lying by omission is just as bad as lying to my face, if not worse. If you know you shouldn't be doing something, simply don't do it, or admit to the truth and face the consequences.

 

I see it as fair ground for a break up.

[Am313]

Not necessarily.

 

People omit things to spare the other persons feelings.

 

If you're with someone who did something "that they shouldn't have done in the first place" AND you're not talking about cheating, then the problem lies with you. The person does those things because it's a part of their life, and by them not telling you about its because they know you disagree with it. By disagreeing with it and being upset when they do it is a form of controlling them.

 

If you knew that this was something they liked to do, and you're not ok with it, then you should have never dated them in the first place.

 

Just my $ .02

 

FYI, "you" doesn't mean you, just a general sense of the word.

 

Did I just create a strawman argument? I think I did, lol.

[CptSaveAho]

Its also called avoidance. That's a great time to end a relationship.

 

They are typically doing something wrong, know they are too, but dont want to be the one to end the relationship. They might be trying on a new pair of shoes to speak before they throw away the old ones

[Samilia]

It seems like less and less people nowadays admit to the truth, maybe because our phones and computers have made it easier to lie (although I suppose it made it easier for the IT guy to get to the truth as well!).

 

Lie about your weight, lie about how many cookies you ate that day, but don't lie about what matters, it's a trust breaker. Lying is not something that can be justified by anything else than our own selfish wants as well as by cowardice.

 

You either stand up, be an adult, and have the balls to let people decide for themselves or you remain single, there is no middle ground.

[oracle]

Not necessarily.

 

People omit things to spare the other persons feelings.QUOTE]

 

Agreed.

 

Everyone omits, you do it, I do it.

 

What exactly are we talking about?

 

Omitting that they stopped in at a strip bar on the way home?

 

OR

 

Omitting stuff that they did prior to your relationship (eg # of sexual partners, what or WHO they have done etc. etc.)

 

Two completely different scenarios

Edited August 28, 2012 by oracle

[Sav]

Alright. It's like I don't tell my ex when I go to the bar with a few of my guy friends to have a drink. It's an all guys outing but all she would think of is how we would be hitting on girls. (which we don't). So sometimes I omit information just to spare us some quarrels

[Samilia]

What I have done in my life before I meet someone is none of their business, unless it's relevant to their believes and would affect our relationship. Let's say you're a bunny lover with an altar and everything, praying to the bunny god, and I used to kill bunnies for a living, that's something you're entitled to know. You'd also be crazy, but anyway.. It would be wrong to just "omit" what I used to do to earn my money.

 

When I choose to enter someone's life, I also choose to be honest with them. That's a two way street.

 

Of course everybody lies, when I had my driving license renewed my weight suddenly happened to be 10 pounds lighter than it actually is. We all do it, but it doesn't affect anybody.

However there are things that I don't lie about. If my husband hated smoking and I snuck behind his back to have a couple, and didn't tell him about it, that'd be a lie.

 

The problem is that we justify real lies, that affect people around us, as "keeping the peace" when it really is just having your cake and eat it too.

 

Bottom line if you're doing something that would affect my feelings for you, I should know.

[flitzanu]

What I have done in my life before I meet someone is none of their business, unless it's relevant to their believes and would affect our relationship. Let's say you're a bunny lover with an altar and everything, praying to the bunny god, and I used to kill bunnies for a living, that's something you're entitled to know. You'd also be crazy, but anyway.. It would be wrong to just "omit" what I used to do to earn my money.

 

When I choose to enter someone's life, I also choose to be honest with them. That's a two way street.

 

Of course everybody lies, when I had my driving license renewed my weight suddenly happened to be 10 pounds lighter than it actually is. We all do it, but it doesn't affect anybody.

However there are things that I don't lie about. If my husband hated smoking and I snuck behind his back to have a couple, and didn't tell him about it, that'd be a lie.

 

The problem is that we justify real lies, that affect people around us, as "keeping the peace" when it really is just having your cake and eat it too.

 

Bottom line if you're doing something that would affect my feelings for you, I should know.

 

i don't want to be the only one reading this and thinking this sounds rather controlling.

 

you're talking about a personal WANT, that you believe you should know, but that's all rainbows and flowers. where is the line drawn about being able to have a personal life outside of your relationship? ESPECIALLY SO if you've just started dating someone? that's a lot of expectation and pressure for barely knowing someone.

 

years in, sure, but fresh into a relationship? that's pretty idealistic.

 

i don't disagree about your position on honesty, just that, as you said, people are hard pressed enough for someone not to "lie" about their age or weight. that alone makes it more unrealistic that they'd be open enough to tell you something that they know would upset you.

[Samilia]

i don't want to be the only one reading this and thinking this sounds rather controlling.

 

you're talking about a personal WANT, that you believe you should know, but that's all rainbows and flowers. where is the line drawn about being able to have a personal life outside of your relationship? ESPECIALLY SO if you've just started dating someone? that's a lot of expectation and pressure for barely knowing someone.

 

years in, sure, but fresh into a relationship? that's pretty idealistic.

 

i don't disagree about your position on honesty, just that, as you said, people are hard pressed enough for someone not to "lie" about their age or weight. that alone makes it more unrealistic that they'd be open enough to tell you something that they know would upset you.

 

Who's talking about a new relationship here? I'm not, it's an understanding that we're talking about an established relationship. We're also not talking about telling your better half what to do, new or not, we're talking about being honest.

 

Honestly isn't a tray that suddenly appear with years, it should be a given.

 

You want to do something, do it, don't lie or hide.

[pteromom]

You want to do something, do it, don't lie or hide.

 

Yes, both partners should be honest and open.

 

In return though, the truth always has to be accepted.

 

If someone says "Hey, I am going to the bar with my coworkers for an hour before heading home." and the response is an angry tirade, accusations of cheating, and one of those up-until-2-AM arguments, then next time, he's going to say "I'm working an hour later today." because it's easier.

 

Or if a wife says "Look at this cute dress I got half off" and the husband sneers and makes a rude comment and says something about wasting hard-earned money, then next time the shopping bag is going to sneak mysteriously into the closet without him knowing.

 

Honesty is a given. But respect begets more honestly, whereas control and criticism shut it down.

[todreaminblue]

See, one thing that drives me nuts is people lying.

 

A lot of people are now thinking "lying about cheating", when I'm talking about any kind of lies. It's something I have a hard time forgiving. It also feels like manipulation, which is another flaw that I dislike.

 

The idea that "if I don't tell you then it's not lying" irks me. Lying by omission is just as bad as lying to my face, if not worse. If you know you shouldn't be doing something, simply don't do it, or admit to the truth and face the consequences.

 

I see it as fair ground for a break up.

 

I only use omission if its needed.In a relationship I am totally honest as far as if it is something I have done wrong but if it is another who has done something wrong i would omit anything that would cause hurt to the person I am telling I try to protect peoples feelings it is a flaw of mine.I prefer total disclosure because i am an atrocious liar and when i omit i do feel i am lying....because it is most people say when you tell them something confrontational is that it? and if you are omitting you say yes....in there is the lie.I understand people omitting details.....but the importance is you have to think of the other person if you think they should know tell them.......i like to have one person in the world i am totally honest with that is my rock .......a rock doesn't judge what you say a rock is there for you to be truthful too.God is a rock....but you need a human rock.....a physical presence to hold you and shelter you from the truth i am a rock for others i want my own rock......that would be my partner who i can trust to never lead me the wrong way to help me come to hard and difficult decisions i would have to trust that person implicitly and have that person trust me back the same......full disclosure therefore is required to build a rock........i have met a potential rock....i am actually scared of him so that's a rock......and how i know he is a rock.....i am scared because of his importance to me and the fact i need this rock more than i have needed one before....so .....makes me feel invested.....and investing.....is always a risk......so its healthy for me to be scared......how i deal with this fear is another thing altogether.....but hiding or omitting from this rock i adore is not something i am able to do...... I thought for a while i already had a rock but when i met a true rock i realised i never had one in the first place.....now i feel like i have confused everyone on the ls reader board so my job is done...i slink off smiling about rocks and salt licks(not explaining that)...deb

Edited August 28, 2012 by todreaminblue

[flitzanu]

Yes, both partners should be honest and open.

 

In return though, the truth always has to be accepted.

 

If someone says "Hey, I am going to the bar with my coworkers for an hour before heading home." and the response is an angry tirade, accusations of cheating, and one of those up-until-2-AM arguments, then next time, he's going to say "I'm working an hour later today." because it's easier.

 

Or if a wife says "Look at this cute dress I got half off" and the husband sneers and makes a rude comment and says something about wasting hard-earned money, then next time the shopping bag is going to sneak mysteriously into the closet without him knowing.

 

Honesty is a given. But respect begets more honestly, whereas control and criticism shut it down.

 

yes, this.

 

someone can be as honest as the day is long, but if someone doesn't accept that honesty, then what's the point of being honest?

 

great example, LADIES...

 

i have many female best friends. i've had many girlfriends that disapprove of me having female best friends.

 

the dilemma then became, do i tell her that my best friend may be where i'm going, or do i not?

 

there's no lie, because i'm not doing anything wrong by hanging out with my friend.

 

just because someone is too insecure to allow or want me to have female friends, it then becomes a strain on my "honesty".

 

and as pteromom says, if there's no acceptance of the honesty, it will happen less and less.

 

sometimes people shouldn't ask what they don't want to know.

[pteromom]

great example, LADIES...

 

i have many female best friends. i've had many girlfriends that disapprove of me having female best friends.

 

Right... and if you have a girlfriend who responds with "Oh great... have fun with your friends!" and doesn't act jealous and insecure about you having female friends, you are then able to be 100% open with your gf, because you know she's not going to make it difficult for you.

 

In the example you've given, I think it is smart for a girlfriend to want to ensure that the girls ARE actually just friends, but there's a way to do that without acting jealous and controlling. The best way is to work on becoming friends with the girls too.

[oasisfancortes]

If you're talking about honesty when it comes to things that are important to you/the relationship, then yes...However I see what some of the comments are saying too. What may seem important and shouldn't be lied about to you juuust might not be thought as the same to the other.

So it depends. There's you, and then there's the other person. You don't think exactly alike. No one is completely identical with another person in their ways of thinking.

 

It depends. If it bothers you, and you think something is going on, then ask him/her about it. Choosing to believe them is up to you. If you don't and it bothers you, I suggest rethinking your romantic situation.

 

Honesty and communication is everything.

 

But yes I do dislike when things that I found out about things that are bothersome to me, later on. For example, finding out my ex girlfriend was hanging out with her ex boyfriend a lot when I wasn't around, and after she ended it with me, she went with him shortly afterward. If I had known he was an EX, and not just a friend as she label him when I asked, it could have affected how I would have went about things.

 

I would have liked the satisfaction of being aware so I could get a better grasp of how our relationship was functioning, especially since I began to become suspicious of her...She turned out to be a dishonest,two-timing, easily-manipulated bitch who took me for a fool, and quite possibly making me look like ******* to our mutual friends... OH *AHEM* Excuse me, HER friends.

[2sunny]

Yes. I break up.

 

Men have lied and said they are single when they are married.

 

That sucks!