Consolidated Discussion - A man's/woman's height in the search for relationships

[somedude81]

You do know what a dream is right? What one means when they say they have dreams for the future?

 

This is one of the most ridiculous discussions I have ever had on this forum.

[hasaquestion]

You do know what a dream is right? What one means when they say they have dreams for the future?

 

This is one of the most ridiculous discussions I have ever had on this forum.

 

Not really.

 

I know a dude from college who came from China to Vancouver, when he was 14, to start boarding school, on a loan his middle-class parents took out. He got perfect marks through school, became the valedictorian and was admitted to university in the states, and got financial aid IN SPITE of his visa status. He wanted to work in finance, but instead of studying economics he studied chemical engineering, to demonstrate his quantitative aptitude. Problem is, his English isn't very good. Meanwhile, he interned at Merrill Lynch and for a small equity trading firm which one of his professors who liked him a lot from after-class sessions weaseled him into. He, predictably enough, did not sleep. Dumped his girl and gained 25 lbs (oof). Yet every single job in finance he applied for when we didn't want him because of his Chinese background. So got accepted into graduate school on a fellowship instead, and got a job on the side writing articles about the steel industry for some small-time publication. Now he's moonlighting as a writer to prove that he can run with the American-born candidates.

 

That's what having dreams looks like. What have you done to make anyone think you have dreams?

[MidwestUSA]

If I was 6'2, I'd also be done with school now as well. Yes I'm serious.

 

A very big reason why I've done poorly in school for so long is because of my depression, a huge problem in staying motivated and giving up very early.

 

If I had a woman in my life, I wouldn't have had any of those issues and I would have graduated and be working in my career by now.

 

BTW, how the hell did you come to the conclusion that I don't have any dreams for the future?

 

It's sad that your depression wasn't resolved early, but to say a girl would 'fix' the issues is wrong. That 'woman' in your life was your mother, and it's not for me to say whether she failed in getting you the help you needed and deserved at that stage of life.

 

 

I'm curious, were you only trialed on SSRIs, or did a doc ever think to put you on a dopamine reuptake inhibitor (Wellbutrin)? Sometimes those that fail on SSRIs do wonderfully going the other direction.

[normal person]

If I was 6'2, I'd also be done with school now as well. Yes I'm serious.

 

Here's the the thing though, even if you're right about this (which I'm not saying you are), that's still not an excuse. People who are shorter than you finish school all the time. Height is not indicative of how well someone performs academically.

 

A very big reason why I've done poorly in school for so long is because of my depression, a huge problem in staying motivated and giving up very early.

 

Look, I feel for you. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know if anyone on this forum is, but have you ever thought that hard about the roots of your depression? Is your problem solely tied up in not being tall, therefore not being able to (you think) get girls, therefore being too depressed to do well in school? Can it possibly be that simple or are there other factors at play? Because plenty of short people do well in school and poorly with the opposite sex at the same time. So do tall people. Is your problem really that simple? You don't have to answer here on this forum, but I would suggest you think about it or talk to a pro.

[somedude81]

It's sad that your depression wasn't resolved early, but to say a girl would 'fix' the issues is wrong. That 'woman' in your life was your mother, and it's not for me to say whether she failed in getting you the help you needed and deserved at that stage of life.

I was raised by a single mother who was moderately physically and emotionally abusive. Still it was nothing compared to what she went through from her father.

 

Then around 12 or 13 my brother and I moved in with our father and his new wife who got pregnant less than a year later. Of course all of her attention as focused on her baby.

 

If anything, I have "mommy issues" and I've been trying to find a woman who will love me. Unfortunately I've been completely failing with that and it causes me to have poor self-esteem, low confidence, and a hatred for myself. Being short just makes it harder.

 

All I want is to give and feel love.

 

I'm curious, were you only trialed on SSRIs, or did a doc ever think to put you on a dopamine reuptake inhibitor (Wellbutrin)? Sometimes those that fail on SSRIs do wonderfully going the other direction.

I'm not really interested in trying medication again. I don't see a point in trying to treat the symptoms and not the actual problem.

[normal person]

SD, I would guess that what you posted above are your real issues, not your height. I would talk to a professional about it.

[Anela]

Ha!

 

If I was 6'2, right now I'd be married to a hot blonde with huge boobs. (Who is also intelligent, sweet and loyal, plus all those other things that make a woman a good wife.)

 

You make it sound like this woman just appears out of a machine, as soon as a tall man approaches, and pushes a few buttons that match his requirements. Are you kidding me?

 

 

 

BTW, how the hell did you come to the conclusion that I don't have any dreams for the future?

 

You don't talk about a future. You don't talk about your dreams, outside of having a hot young woman in your bed. I understand how depression can take over, and make you forget about them, or give up (for a while). What are your dreams?

[somedude81]

SD, I would guess that what you posted above are your real issues, not your height. I would talk to a professional about it.

 

As I said before, I've spent about seven years in therapy, talking about these issues.

 

Talking about my problems doesn't do anything. What actually solves my problems is having a woman in my life.

 

I was completely fine when I was with my ex. I had finally found what I was looking for. But it didn't last.

[somedude81]

You make it sound like this woman just appears out of a machine, as soon as a tall man approaches, and pushes a few buttons that match his requirements. Are you kidding me?

That's not what I'm talking about at all.

 

It's a simple as if I were taller, one or more of the many girls that have rejected me throughout my life would have said yes.

 

You don't talk about a future. You don't talk about your dreams, outside of having a hot young woman in your bed. I understand how depression can take over, and make you forget about them, or give up (for a while). What are your dreams?

No, I don't talk about my dreams. It's simply depressing to think of them when I'm not that close to achieving them.

 

Last year when I was with my ex, was the first time in my life that I felt that my dreams were starting to come together. Having her with me was the first step. When we were together I had glimpses of what our life would have been like 5 and 10 years down the line.

[normal person]

As I said before, I've spent about seven years in therapy, talking about these issues.

 

Talking about my problems doesn't do anything. What actually solves my problems is having a woman in my life.

 

I was completely fine when I was with my ex. I had finally found what I was looking for. But it didn't last.

 

If you truly think this is the solution (I'm not really endorsing it) then your only hope is to break the cycle you're in. If not having a girlfriend makes you feel depressed, and feeling depressed makes you bad at school, and being bad at school prevents you from having a girlfriend, then you're screwed.

 

The only way out is to use your desire for a girlfriend as motivation to not screw up in school. You need to realize that falling into the cycle and half-assing school will compound your girl problem exponentially. It will make things infinitely worse. And it seems like you've been letting it happen all this time.

 

So I hate to use a cliche, but how badly do you want it? You're in a bit of hole. You can just give up and let the world bury you or you can realize that the only thing you can do to survive is refuse to fall any deeper, and start clawing your way out. You need to will yourself to do whatever it is you have to do.

 

Best of luck, I'll be pulling for you.

[somedude81]

If you truly think this is the solution (I'm not really endorsing it) then your only hope is to break the cycle you're in. If not having a girlfriend makes you feel depressed, and feeling depressed makes you bad at school, and being bad at school prevents you from having a girlfriend, then you're screwed.

 

The only way out is to use your desire for a girlfriend as motivation to not screw up in school. You need to realize that falling into the cycle and half-assing school will compound your girl problem exponentially. It will make things infinitely worse. And it seems like you've been letting it happen all this time.

 

So I hate to use a cliche, but how badly do you want it? You're in a bit of hole. You can just give up and let the world bury you or you can realize that the only thing you can do to survive is refuse to fall any deeper, and start clawing your way out. You need to will yourself to do whatever it is you have to do.

 

Best of luck, I'll be pulling for you.

 

I'm literally 99% done with school. I'm taking my last class in the fall and I'll be done in December. Of course that's assuming I don't screw up. Though considering my last class is calculus and a have a math learning disability, it will not be easy.

 

Once I graduate and get a job, I'll probably really focus on online dating. Hopefully I'll have some better luck.

 

I really just hope I'll meet somebody on campus next semester. This past semester I was in a real funk because my ex dumped me and I just couldn't get over it and try to flirt with girls. It will be different in September.

[normal person]

I'm literally 99% done with school. I'm taking my last class in the fall and I'll be done in December. Of course that's assuming I don't screw up. Though considering my last class is calculus and a have a math learning disability, it will not be easy.

 

If I were you I'd grab the textbook ahead of time. Hire a tutor over the summer and spend your free time studying it -- not here posting or playing video games. Do it until it's second nature to you. You need to refuse to accept failure. Hell, if I was any good at calc I'd tutor you myself.

 

 

I really just hope I'll meet somebody on campus next semester. This past semester I was in a real funk because my ex dumped me and I just couldn't get over it and try to flirt with girls. It will be different in September.

 

This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. If you let your success or lack thereof with girls dictate your wellbeing, it'll dictate how well you do in school and then that will continue to dictate how well you do with girls. You need to put girls out of your mind for now. The weight you attach to your success is precisely the thing that's indirectly keeping you from succeeding at it. If you want what you want you need to grow. You need to evolve.

 

I know people tell you to forget about girls all the time and you say something like "I refuse to not try and pursue women." You're demonstrating determination, which is great tool to have. Why don't you focus that determination to refuse to do poorly in school so you can then be more effective at pursuing women?

Edited June 26, 2014 by normal person

[KaliLove]

If I was 6'2, I'd also be done with school now as well. Yes I'm serious.

 

A very big reason why I've done poorly in school for so long is because of my depression, a huge problem in staying motivated and giving up very early.

 

If I had a woman in my life, I wouldn't have had any of those issues and I would have graduated and be working in my career by now.

 

BTW, how the hell did you come to the conclusion that I don't have any dreams for the future?

 

Depression is chemical. It is entirely unrelated to height in any way. You'd be depressed whether you were 5'6 or 6'5.

 

It's also unrelated to success or failure with the opposite sex.

[somedude81]

Depression is chemical. It is entirely unrelated to height in any way. You'd be depressed whether you were 5'6 or 6'5.

 

It's also unrelated to success or failure with the opposite sex.

 

What's the difference between sadness and depression?

 

Maybe I'm not depressed and I'm just sad and lonely.

 

If that's the case, then it would explain why I felt so much better when I had a girlfriend.

[KaliLove]

What's the difference between sadness and depression?

 

Maybe I'm not depressed and I'm just sad and lonely.

 

If that's the case, then it would explain why I felt so much better when I had a girlfriend.

 

You only had a girlfriend for a very short time. You were still in the honeymoon phase when you broke up. It's not a cure-all for all of your issues..it won't fix everything forever.

[somedude81]

You only had a girlfriend for a very short time. You were still in the honeymoon phase when you broke up. It's not a cure-all for all of your issues..it won't fix everything forever.

 

There's only one way to find out.

 

Also, at what point can one stop saying "You've only been in the relationship for X long, that it won't last?' 1 year? 5 years?

[TouchedByViolet]

The amount of misinformation in this thread is colossal. (especially by those who have never experienced years of involuntary celibacy and an inability to get a date).

 

Physical attraction is paramount in getting a date and height is a dominant factor for men.

 

I have friends who suffer greatly from a general disinterest from all women. Sure some get lucky from time to time but generally speaking it is awful.

[thefooloftheyear]

The amount of misinformation in this thread is colossal. (especially by those who have never experienced years of involuntary celibacy and an inability to get a date).

 

Physical attraction is paramount in getting a date and height is a dominant factor for men.

 

I have friends who suffer greatly from a general disinterest from all women. Sure some get lucky from time to time but generally speaking it is awful.

 

Ridiculous....

 

If you dig deeper into these "friends" that you have you will quickly discover the problem...And it will more than not have nothing to do with physical appearance..

 

TFY

[Els]

If I had a woman in my life, I wouldn't have had any of those issues and I would have graduated and be working in my career by now.

 

There are plenty of men, both short AND tall, who graduated college without having a girlfriend in college...

 

(Also there are plenty of short men who did also get a relationship in college; a good friend of mine was 5'3" - I kid you not! - and had a girlfriend for the duration of college)

 

Everyone can have a reason for persistently failing if they want to find one. You know, when I went to college, I hadn't even learnt science in English before, and had to look up almost all the scientific terms I encountered, like a grade schooler...

[learning_slowly]

One of the shortest guys I have met, was one of the most successful people I know and on his 3rd wife!

 

If you are short and not good looking then maybe this will hold you up, but if you were tall and not good looking, it would too.

 

I've learnt that what people want is somebody who looks after themselves (join a gym, shower and shave daily), have money to do things (get a good job, or train for one) and can have a good conversation (do activities that sound interesting to others and learn to sell yourself by explaining how much fun the participants and you had.

 

Only you can help yourself, well unless you have rich relative who has too much time on their hands

[somedude81]

There are plenty of men, both short AND tall, who graduated college without having a girlfriend in college...

 

(Also there are plenty of short men who did also get a relationship in college; a good friend of mine was 5'3" - I kid you not! - and had a girlfriend for the duration of college)

 

Everyone can have a reason for persistently failing if they want to find one. You know, when I went to college, I hadn't even learnt science in English before, and had to look up almost all the scientific terms I encountered, like a grade schooler...

 

What do you hope to accomplish with your post?

 

"Yes, you're right, I'm wrong, I don't have any reasons for why I'm not happy and I have no reason at all whatsoever for doing poorly in college."

 

Is that what you want to hear?

 

[Imajerk17]

Are there any specific things you did that led to you getting more success?

 

How do you become cooler and better?

 

And yes, I know that pushing yourself to get over shyness is huge. I've done that for myself, but it's just the first step and doesn't lead to success, it just actually makes it possible to succeed.

 

Well, for starters I pushed myself to do things pretty much along the advice you've gotten on here, advice which it doesn't look like you've really applied. I mean, have you at least changed your username on your OLD profile? (I went on a lot of dates from Match from which I learned a lot.) Have you looked into the Meetup groups talked about on here? To your credit, you are doing salsa, and that did get you a girlfriend.

 

I also took responsibility for my own success and happiness. You're stuck in a vicious cycle. You think you need someone to love you before you can love yourself. The problem is though, it's going to be very hard for you to find someone to love you before you love yourself. So I made a point to become the kind of person I want to be (ongoing process). If you want to find a girlfriend, you gotta do the same for yourself.

 

I'm missing the point of this thread. Look, women don't owe it to anyone to get how hard (that you might think) it is to be a Short Man in the dating world. Furthermore, the premise that short guys have it really tough in dating hasn't been my experience so I can't validate that for you.

 

I also make it a point to be a more empathetic person. Others got tougher struggles in dating. Self-pity is a turn-off.

 

I think that's enough for now.

Edited June 27, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Furthermore, the premise that short guys have it really tough in dating hasn't been my experience so I can't validate that for you.

 

Uh, you sure about that?

 

What SHOULD matter to you is that there are other guys your height or less who USED to struggle, and who ARE NOW doing well with women (guys such as myself).

 

1. Yes, I did struggle badly with women.

 

2. Yes, I did have self-esteem issues. But then I've come to realize that everyone does to an extent.

 

3. Used to have to work hard. I had to push myself to get over my shyness, to become less reactive/intense (I used to take myself way too seriously), and to become a cooler, better person.

 

I think you should try to stick to one story dude.

[Imajerk17]

 

She's probably more in the 6.5 range now that I think of it. But she has good qualities, for sure. She has a nice body, good in bed, fun to hang out with, very intelligent, and she's an awesome cook.

 

Still though, I've gotten better in the past. One of my exes was a solid 8 (keep in mind that this is on a scale of 1-10, where there is no such thing as a 10 and anything 4 and above is not fat).

 

Maybe it's a generational thing, as I am 40. But even this post makes me wonder the energy you are putting out. A guy who is really good with women doesn't use the "HB"-rating scale to describe the girl he is dating to others. No matter whether the girl's looks make her a 9.5 or 6.5 or whatever. Why not just say you're starting to see a cool girl and there's attraction and connection and you want to see where it goes, and leave it at that. Nevermind how shallow it sounds. Who cares whether other people would find her attractive (which is what the 1--10 scale is a measure of). It only matters whether you are attracted to her.

 

And no it's not about being PC or not. I more or less agree with you about game. I have also come down on women on here for not taking more responsibility (which is what I am now doing with the Short Men on this thread go figure). I can't agree with you about looks and height being important because my experience says they really aren't. And I've been into women since the Reagan administration.

Edited June 27, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Bruce Leigh]

Maybe it's a generational thing, as I am 40.

 

I can't agree with you about looks and height being important because my experience says they really aren't.

 

As i am 39 in November, it may well be a generational thing. We had no online dating for example.

The number one thing men lie about in their online profiles is their height.

For women, its their weight.

Not exactly a surprise those two things are they?