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Consolidated Discussion - A man's/woman's height in the search for relationships

Glove_slap

By Glove_slap,
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IndianBabu

IndianBabu

Posted
Posted

 

Tell the girls that you're Chinese.

 

LOL, what kind of question are you asking?

 

You're Indian. You can't hide it. Be proud of your ethnicity.

 

This.

 

C'mon R3d. I keep telling you that being Indian is not an issue. You're blowing it up to epic proportions in your own mind.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted
This.

 

C'mon R3d. I keep telling you that being Indian is not an issue. You're blowing it up to epic proportions in your own mind.

 

I will tell you another reason why I have been acting this way. The ****ing media. Do you know how bad they make Indian boys in school look in the media?

 

Example: Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie - Chirag

 

Yeah, no, I don't talk like him, but notice how he's short. And this is a core negative stereotype of the average Indian boy in school.

 

The thing is that me being short isn't so much of a dating issue direcrly, but the main issue here is that it further conforms to the Indian stereotype. That all Indian boys are really short, etc. That's why I say that being short when coupled with my race, makes me feel insecure. If it wasn't for my race, my height insecurity wouldn't be so bad.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted

Honestly, IndianBabu, I'd like to hear more from you, being Indian and all.

 

Bur here's the thing. You aren't exacrly short. I am legit short. And again it's not short on its own that is fueling the insecurity. It's more that being short is electrifyig my insecurity over my race - adding icing on the cake.

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IndianBabu

IndianBabu

Posted
Posted

You're hijacking this thread. I suggest a new thread titled "Dating While Indian" or maybe DWI.

 

There is no secret. If you let insecurities cripple you, then women will not want to date you. You're going to think its because you are short/Indian etc, but that wouldn't be the real reason why they avoid you. Its a vicious cycle.

 

It doesn't bother me being Indian because to be honest, there's nothing bad about it. Sure there are negative stereotypes, but that exists for every culture out there.

 

Take it easy man. You're spitting percentages and ratios when its a lot simpler than that. You're Indian. Own it. Good luck.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted

Okay.

 

Well like I said, even in just general everyday situations, I get anxious when someone asks me about my ethnicity and hesitent to respond. I remmeber the orthodontist some months asking me about my background and I awkwardly told her that I am Indian and I bet the self-loathing there was crystal clear.

 

See, it's not just with dating. I am insecure over my race in general.

 

But I'll heed your people's advice and see what I can do.

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somedude81

somedude81

Posted
Posted
R3D you're only 16?? Why are you here????? Go have fun being 16.

 

He can't have fun.

 

He's Indian. Apparently they aren't allowed to have fun :(

 

At least until the song from Slumdog Millionaire starts and they all break into a dance.

 

Jai Ho!

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted (edited)
R3D you're only 16?? Why are you here????? Go have fun being 16.

Yes.

 

For advice. I was confused and frustrated over a lot of things so I was trying to clear some of it.

 

I can't. I am an outcast with no one to hang out with or date at school currently trying to fix that. But Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

EDIT: how about you answer if you'd date a short Indian man keeping in spirit of the recent discussions.

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IttyBittyKitty

IttyBittyKitty

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I was really shy until I was about 16. It gets better, I swear. But you really shouldn't be asking a bunch of people who are so much older than you. Why don't you try social media instead? Are you on Instagram or Twitter? Those are good ways to hone your social skills.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted

I actually do go on another site which

has mostly teens and early 20's people for dating advice. It's called GirlsaskGuys.

 

But they only have a 2,000 character limit so it's hard to have tese kind of long in-depth discussions there. Hence, I use that for more simple quick questions rather than substantial in-depth advice. Plus older people = more wisdom. I use that place more to get opinions from girls. That's really what the basic purpose of that site is, to get opinions from the opposite sex.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted (edited)

I forgot. One more post that no one addressed that I'd be haopy to get some input on. This posr discusses my vulberability to getting led on and falling too hard too fast.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/343363-consolidated-discussion-man-s-woman-s-height-search-relationships-148.html#post5904246

 

This is originally from somedude81's thread about being too picky with women.

 

EDIT: I apologize for the typing errors as my phone doesn't do auto-correct anymore...

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted (edited)

So yeah, I am back, after getting slightly less than 3 hours of sleep last night since I was up posting and thinking about things. This is my romantic future on the line man.

 

The reason I asked what I should do if a girl asks about my ethnicity is I was thinking more of the scenario where say I am on a date, okay? I think it's worth theorizing. After years and years, I finally find one girl willing to date me.

 

Now, let's say she asks about my ethnicity. The reason I would be afraid to disclose my ethnicity here is one, my self-loathing here will be evident because likely there will be a sudden shift in the energy of the interaction because like I said, I always get anxious whenever someone asks me about my ethnicity and two, the second the word "Indian" is released from my mouth, the stereotypes will start entering her head and she will probably assume that there will be cultural conflicts due to the nature of Indian culture, even though that's not the case with me. For what it's worth, my mom is okay with the fact that I am not attracted to own race and in the end, unlike most Indian men, even if my parents didn't approve of my girlfriend, unless there was an actual problem with the relationship that I thought they were right about, I wouldn't let their opinion sway me. This goes for friends' too. I am not letting anyone sway me on my choice of SO. Why is this speculation significant? Because this is one reason why girls avoid going for Indian guys! When I tell her that I am Indian, she's not going to know that I am not like most Indian guys when it comes to these things. She will immediately have all these judgments and that could very well be the last date. Her parents might also be really against it. That's why I would be so hesitant to reveal my ethnicity and I was wondering if it would be a good idea to actually clarify right then and there that none of that will be an issue. And if so, how? Also, this leads me to a generic question: should you openly discuss insecurities with your date? Or is it a red flag? But then you're not being open if you conceal it so there's a contradiction there. I think theorizing this is important because it is almost certain that sometime in the future (and if I am lucky, not too far into it) I will run into this complication. The other reason is that the more I figure things out and learn answers to questions, the less uncertain I feel about things.

 

There is also that stereotype that we only want sex and no relationship, when in reality, I am completely the opposite being a virgin saving myself until marriage actually wanting a romantic relationship for everything else it has to offer. Still at first sight, some girls will think that right off the bat that I am another Indian trying to use them for sex, especially in the context of cold/tepid/semi-warm approaches.

 

And how the hell do you get dates without asking women out or approaching? Second man saying this in this thread. It was always ingrained into me that to get dates you have to ask for them and try and try again and again and tough out the rejection (which surprisingly I am pretty good at - with handling rejection). Especially as a man. I thought it was our job and we can't expect to get dates if we don't ask girls out. That's why I am actually making an effort to ask girls out this year. I have already asked out 3 since late August and only intend to ask out more over the course of the year. Though I am thinking about taking some sabbaticals from all this in attempt to self-improve and regain peace of mind.

 

And Imajerk17, how short was that Indian guy that your crush in college went for? Moreover, you claim to know many Indian men that are successful in dating. Are any of them short too? And I mean legit short. Remember, I am 5'3.5.

 

Last thing is you guys should remember is that dating is a weakness for me. It explotits all my weaknesses as a person, mainly emotional strength and social skills. I am a very logical and intellectual thinker and others have rightly pointed out on other boards that my intellectual growth has outpaced my social and emotional growth, but this was always true to begin with. As we know, logic and intellect and dating is like water and oil. That's another reason why I have such a hard time with this stuff. That's why you see me trying to write a "rulebook" or "code of ethics" as thefooloftheyear mentions. And I bet anyone that knows me is aware of this. The reason this often feels so demoralizing is because all these short/Indian guys that you cite are good at this stuff. It's their strength. They are better than average at dating. They have compensation - usually extraordinary social skills. Right now, I am struggling to just to be okay at this stuff. But even average won't be enough. It's that same feeling of, "I am not good enough and never will be."

 

I thank anyone who has the patience to go through this post. It was constructed over the past few hours on and off as I kept remembering things that I need to ask about.

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Badsingularity

Badsingularity

Posted
Posted

The less a man worries the more attractive he will be.

 

It is not always the physical things that he is worried about that make him unattractive. It is the worry itself.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted

You people keep citing just short and just Indian men doing well with women. Never both short and Indian. IndianBabu is not short. Now don't take this the wrong way. I said if I was short, but white, I would have been convinced by now, probably for a while. It's when it's coupled with being Indian. Same with only Indian but not short (though likely to a lesser extent). The combination of the two is making me much more than teice as insecure than if I only had one of those insecurities. I remember Josh Waitzkin, international chess master used to say, "It's very doable to defend one weakness. But two weaknesses will usually cripple your postion and make it really hard to get a draw." He called it the "Principle of Two Weaknesses". Same idea here.

 

On another board, I did hear there was this 4'2 Indian guy that got all the girls in college. Then again, he probably had legendary social skills. Like I said, social skills is quite a weak spot for me so while I can improve, I don't know if I can get to the point where it trumps my height and race.

 

Simarly in chess, if you have two weaknesses, you almost cannot make a single mistake while defending if you want to draw the game. Your moves have to be perfect.

 

But anyway, that wasn't the point of my last major post. My last major post was actually asking a lot of specific questions that I have had that I'd like to work to resolve and was wondering. Such as what do I do when a girl asks me about my ethnicity (again, see the post to see the context in which I am asking the question and why it's not as simple as it seems)? But I also had a bunch of other questions and confusions in that post that, such as the whole part about dating being a grave weakness for me. And that goes hand in hand with The Principle of Two Weaknesses.

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R3d

R3d

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And you know why I am acting so reluctant this time to let go of this issue? It's because I have noticed a trend that just won't end. It feel okay for a while, then insecure, then feel okay, then insecure. Okay after you people mollify me. I am tired of this ****. It's like I can't STAY secure.

 

So that's the reason I am being really stubborn and pedantic right now. Because if I let go too easily, I will be back to square one again. This time I want ny insecurities minimized once and for all! I am frustrated with this fluctuation between secure and insecure.

 

That's why I am trying to work out every aspect of my issues, confusion, and uncertainty here.

 

So again, three posts ago and the last post do an excellent job of describing my issues, confusions, questions, uncertainties, etc. Just pointing it out again for future advisors.

 

But really, the whole dating thing is just so counterintuitive for me. It completely counters me as a person and punishes my weaknesses with little mercy. That's why it's so frustrating and difficult for me. And I am starting to hate dating because it's such a direct exploitation of my personal weaknesses. If you spoke to my parents, they wouldn't be surprised at all that I am struggling so much in dating. They know too - I wasn't designed to be good at dating. It's like trying to drive a Mercedes in the snow. It's just that I am such a logical, rigid, intellectual, mathematical, and analytical person and that's exactly what is detrimental in dating. Remember thefooloftheyear was saying how I am trying to write a "code of ethics" or "rulebook" here, it seems. Dating requires proficient social skills and emotional strength and maturity, which are two gaping weaknesses for me. That's why I keep saying that dating is such a direct counter to me as a person. But it's the only way to find an SO, so I have no choice but to drive that Mercedes in the ****ing blizzard.

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OwMyEyeball

OwMyEyeball

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Posted
And you know why I am acting so reluctant this time to let go of this issue? It's because I have noticed a trend that just won't end. It feel okay for a while, then insecure, then feel okay, then insecure. Okay after you people mollify me. I am tired of this ****. It's like I can't STAY secure.

 

So that's the reason I am being really stubborn and pedantic right now. Because if I let go too easily, I will be back to square one again. This time I want ny insecurities minimized once and for all! I am frustrated with this fluctuation between secure and insecure.

 

That's why I am trying to work out every aspect of my issues, confusion, and uncertainty here.

 

So again, three posts ago and the last post do an excellent job of describing my issues, confusions, questions, uncertainties, etc. Just pointing it out again for future advisors.

 

But really, the whole dating thing is just so counterintuitive for me. It completely counters me as a person and punishes my weaknesses with little mercy. That's why it's so frustrating and difficult for me. And I am starting to hate dating because it's such a direct exploitation of my personal weaknesses. If you spoke to my parents, they wouldn't be surprised at all that I am struggling so much in dating. They know too - I wasn't designed to be good at dating. It's like trying to drive a Mercedes in the snow. It's just that I am such a logical, rigid, intellectual, mathematical, and analytical person and that's exactly what is detrimental in dating. Remember thefooloftheyear was saying how I am trying to write a "code of ethics" or "rulebook" here, it seems. Dating requires proficient social skills and emotional strength and maturity, which are two gaping weaknesses for me. That's why I keep saying that dating is such a direct counter to me as a person. But it's the only way to find an SO, so I have no choice but to drive that Mercedes in the ****ing blizzard.

Then why not apply yourself in areas that complement your skill set and set dating aside for now?

 

You could dedicate some of your spare time towards working on your "gaping weaknesses". Romance isn't the only aspect of life that benefits from emotional resilience and social skills. Social clubs, Meet Ups, conferences, support groups ... plenty of options out there to simply go out and interact with people.

 

Your intellect didn't develop in a vacuum. It was shaped and conditioned through life experiences.

 

The same holds true for your emotional/creative mind. If you want to develop it, you must explore it. Arts, music, dance, acting, improv, writing, film, photography, sculpting ... give them a try. Play with them. You will be fighting a battle of sorts against your intellect, which will be trying desperately to understand what isn't intended to be understood, but experienced. And that is at the heart of romance - a shared experience crafted by spontaneity.

 

Your intellect is a tool that you have grown very comfortable in using to solve many of your life's challenges. In romance it will fail you. You must learn to put it down from time to time.

 

Meditation is another approach to consider.

 

Best of luck

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R3d

R3d

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Remember, I am involved in violin, and putting effort into developing my social skills and overall improving my social situation. I mentioned this two pages ago. I am working on being sociable, getting out of my comfort zone, joining clubs, attending school events, and even asking girls out.

 

So I am working on my weaknesses. But Rome wasn't built in a day.

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R3d

R3d

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But you're right. I have been trying to apply intellect to dating and it hasn't been working. I am just so used to relying on my intellect to navigate through life. Now, it's failing me.

 

And I don't like creating art. It's frustrating for me.

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R3d

R3d

Posted
Posted
Relax babe, you're still a kid. Stop stressing yourself out so much. You can totally grow out of shyness.

 

Edit no pun intended

 

I am not even talking about shyness here.

 

I am frustrated as hell because my insecurities keep returning. That's why you see me here every few weeks. This time I am trying to put an end to it once and for all!

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Disillusioned

Disillusioned

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I've read so many OLD profiles by women who say they want a tall man, but yet it would never enter their heads to seek out tall clubs... like Tip Toppers, which was started in 1937 and is still around. They're not an OLDS, though...

 

BTW I'm 6'6" but the idea of dating a child-size woman doesn't appeal to me...

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