Consolidated Discussion - A man's/woman's height in the search for relationships

[somedude81]

Do you know why people go to therapy and can be HELPED by therapy? Because they do not have realistic self-awareness, and they need to hear and consider an outsider's take on themselves. Of course, they listen - that is how they end up being helped.

 

I've been through about seven years of threapy and was even on SSRI's for about six months.

 

It didn't help me at all.

 

You believe that all your problems would be solved by a girlfriend. And by being taller.

 

That belief does not mean that you are correct.

 

I don't believe it for a minute. I have never known a troubled adult person who actually would have been just fine if they had a mate.

Believe it or not, my issues went away when I was with my GF. Just look through my post history from May to December of 2013, or at least the threads I made. There is virtually nothing. I was too happy with life to post here.

 

My troubles are caused by me being single.

[BlueIris]

I've been through about seven years of threapy and was even on SSRI's for about six months.

 

It didn't help me at all.

 

 

Believe it or not, my issues went away when I was with my GF. Just look through my post history from May to December of 2013, or at least the threads I made. There is virtually nothing. I was too happy with life to post here.

 

My troubles are caused by me being single.

 

I agree with Glinda. And I find it hard to believe that there is anyone who is absolutely unable to find a boyfriend or girlfriend at all. So long as you accept- truly accept- traits that you previously didn’t and are caring and supportive, I believe that anyone can find someone who will be with them. If this one need is the sole reason for all of your problems, why not fix it by being more accepting and having a new girlfriend that you might not have considered before, so you can have a positive productive life?

[somedude81]

I agree with Glinda. And I find it hard to believe that there is anyone who is absolutely unable to find a boyfriend or girlfriend at all.

I never said it that there is anyone who is absolutely unable to find a BF or GF.

 

What I am saying is that it's much harder for a short guy. But not impossible.

 

I didn't get my first till I was 31, and that is much later than the average person, and it wasn't for a lack of trying.

 

So long as you accept- truly accept- traits that you previously didn’t and are caring and supportive, I believe that anyone can find someone who will be with them. If this one need is the sole reason for all of your problems, why not fix it by being more accepting and having a new girlfriend that you might not have considered before, so you can have a positive productive life?

Is that really just a long way of telling me to lower my standards?

 

I'm not that picky at all when it comes to women.

 

Granted now that I've actually had a GF and I felt that my ex was pretty amazing, and I don't really want to settle for a woman that isn't as high quality as she was.

[Bruce Leigh]

I agree. Such a low blow! (Oops)

 

Maybe I have never experienced this height thing because according to David Hasselhoff, I live in a land of hobbits.

[Els]

So true....

 

A " real" adult life is very complex....Trying to balance a good career, a healthy family life, duties, responsibilities, etc...is never easy...And while things have changed over the last few decades, most emotionally healthy men still are burdened with all that makes up being a good provider, a strong and unwavering force for his family and the people around him that depend on him...

 

Yes, this. The bolded are the biggest concerns/challenges in life for many of the men I know who are in relationships (including the SO) - and being Asian, they're mostly 5'4" to 5'9"...

[Pyro]

Believe it or not, my issues went away when I was with my GF. Just look through my post history from May to December of 2013, or at least the threads I made. There is virtually nothing. I was too happy with life to post here.

 

My troubles are caused by me being single.

 

Was that because your carrot was getting waxed by someone other than yourself?

 

You have the same beliefs that I did when I was 20. For everyone's sake I hope that you do find a GF: real, plastic, or cyborg. You may actually learn a thing or two about how life really works.

[BlueIris]

I never said it that there is anyone who is absolutely unable to find a BF or GF.

 

What I am saying is that it's much harder for a short guy. But not impossible.

...

 

Is that really just a long way of telling me to lower my standards?

 

I'm not that picky at all when it comes to women.

...

 

 

No, you said that you are suffering pretty severe consequences for lack of a girlfriend, and you analogized it to starving- pretty severe. You didn't say that you were suffering from lack of strawberries, or some other specific food or preference. A truly starving person isn't going to care if he gets bread or strawberries. You're sad that you're lacking something that you want. Maybe you wouldn't feel so bad if you viewed it differently, and embraced that this is about preference and not need. That might help you to not feel so bad.

 

I don't like the phrase "lower my standards" because it sounds so arrogant and dismissive of huge groups of people. "Change what you value" sounds much better to me and thinking that way is more empowering and positive. Also it opens the mind and heart to happiness and appreciation.

[hasaquestion]

See, SD, this is what I don't get.

 

You say you want a "relationship". You insist that you don't just want to have sex, or a FWB, or anything of that sort. That you're a relationships guy, etc.

 

Then, when you are prompted for what you want in a girlfriend, you just say things like "not fat" and "pretty much anyone would do." Superficial criteria.

 

If you're pretty much using "would bang/would not bang" to decide if you'd date a girl, maybe you should drop the pretense of looking for a relationship with her. Its just more honest.

[thefooloftheyear]

He's American and looks pretty short....(scratches head)

 

American student rescued after getting stuck in giant vagina sculpture in Germany - NY Daily News

 

 

TFY

[hasaquestion]

He's American and looks pretty short....(scratches head)

 

American student rescued after getting stuck in giant vagina sculpture in Germany - NY Daily News

 

 

TFY

 

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "quicksand"

[MidwestUSA]

He's American and looks pretty short....(scratches head)

 

American student rescued after getting stuck in giant vagina sculpture in Germany - NY Daily News

 

 

TFY

 

I'll bet it took a lot of lube to get him out; what a waste!

[somedude81]

See, SD, this is what I don't get.

 

You say you want a "relationship". You insist that you don't just want to have sex, or a FWB, or anything of that sort. That you're a relationships guy, etc.

 

Then, when you are prompted for what you want in a girlfriend, you just say things like "not fat" and "pretty much anyone would do." Superficial criteria.

 

If you're pretty much using "would bang/would not bang" to decide if you'd date a girl, maybe you should drop the pretense of looking for a relationship with her. Its just more honest.

It's definitely not pretense that I'm looking for a serious relationship, one that has the potential for marriage.

 

The reason that I talk about that girls have to be not fat, and anyone cute enough will do, is that I don't have much experience in dating and don't really know what other women are like. I've never dated a girl that had bad traits. Also I have requirements for things like must not be violent or no drugs, or having been in prison but I don't mention them because they are just obvious.

 

Basically from my point of view, I wanted to go out with my ex just because she was cute, friendly and liked to dance. I knew very little else about her in the beginning. I was pleasantly surprised when I got to know her better and see what kind of woman she was.

 

So at this point I'm just assuming that I'll meet another girl who is cute and friendly and I'll see how things turn out.

[Glinda.Good]

I've been through about seven years of threapy and was even on SSRI's for about six months.

 

It didn't help me at all.

 

I don't know about the drugs; they don't work for many people. But I imagine you were not open to learning anything about yourself and your behaviors that did not fall in line with what you were bound and determined to believe, against all evidence. Just like here.

 

Then, it can't possibly help anything.

 

 

Believe it or not, my issues went away when I was with my GF. Just look through my post history from May to December of 2013, or at least the threads I made. There is virtually nothing. I was too happy with life to post here.

 

My troubles are caused by me being single.

 

No, they aren't. You want something you don't have, and you believe that if you only had it life would be perfect. Kids think like that. You're not a kid, you're technically not even young, so you might want to challenge yourself on that. Because it is not true.

 

Your relationship, though it was very important to you, was brief. There were reasons it did not go on though you don't know what they are. If it had, you would understand what everyone here is saying to you.

[Trane]

#1 To make your presence known to women, you have to do a lot more to get noticed than the taller guys. Depending on how you handle this, more often you will be judged negatively and unfairly. Doing more to get on her radar as a short guy is met with staunch criticism when compared to the actions of taller guys who can get away with doing little to nothing to impress her.

 

#2 Working out, getting and staying in shape, and keeping good nutritional habits is beneficial to ones overall health. The easiest thing to do as a short guy is ignore the men and women who will quickly say that you're overcompensating in your workouts. The hardest thing to do is accept that your body won't change overnight and it will take more than just a few sessions in the gym to get the results you want. Being consistent and detail orientated in the gym is harder to do than most people think it is.

 

#3 Having a good looking face can be a great asset but it can also be a great detriment. There are women who hold honest fears of having their looks overshadowed by a short guy who's handsome in the face or better looking facially than she is. Some women believe it's creepy and freakish when a short guy has a model's face or uniform symmetry associated with facial attraction. Short and handsome aren't usually associated with each other so when it happens, it's pretty much an anomaly. People can't accept that.

 

#4 Some taller women are more receptive to a short guys advances because they have experienced and endured the same height prejudice in reverse. Be warned though. There are taller women who will shame and ridicule the shorter guy just for making an attempt at conversation. They feel insulted that a shorter guy has the nerve to approach her. They aren't all mean-spirited though. A lot of them simply hate saying "NO" to the shorter guy and don't want to hurt his feelings. The easiest thing to do is to let him down easy by lying about being single, saying that they are involved with someone.

 

#5 Her friends can be a short guy's worst enemy, even if she herself has a fraction of interest in him. All it takes is one friend of the bunch who chooses to have issues with her friend's shorter boyfriend because he's short. Unless she has the courage to not care what her friends think about him, the short guy will soon be replaced for the taller guy that she supposedly can do better. It makes me ask the question, is it the short guy's responsibility to make her friends feel feminine and protected as well?

[somedude81]

I might add "Can a short guy date someone that's physically attractive?"

 

Yes, if he gets super lucky, as in my case. I literally won the lottery with my ex. But then the man came and took my winnings away.

 

As for my attitude, you and everybody else is just seeing my ranting side. LS is the place I come to when I want to vent. Also I only post here when I'm bored sitting in my apartment which is when I feel the worst and most lonely.

 

Every now and then my good mood and humor comes through in my posts, but it's much more common in person.

[Smarty Pants]

If you are short, find a girl who doesn't care about a guy's height. Not that difficult.

 

One of my good friends is 5'5" and he has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. We rip on him about his height all the time. Do you think he cares? Maybe. Does he show it? Not at all. He has other things going for him that make his height not matter, especially to his gf or any other woman he's dated.

 

Stop being so negative and looking for reasons why you are not succeeding with women. Concentrate on things women would find attractive about you and accentuate those features/qualities.

[Bruce Leigh]

One of my good friends is 5'5" and he has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. We rip on him about his height all the time. Do you think he cares? Maybe. Does he show it? Not at all.

 

Have you ever asked him if he cares about the constant ripping on his height? Is this ripping done in front of women?

Sounds like a great guy, in spite of his " friends ".

[somedude81]

If you are short, find a girl who doesn't care about a guy's height. Not that difficult.

Women don't advertise if they care about height or not.

 

My findings suggest that if a woman doesn't care about height, it means that she isn't superficial and subsequently she will most likely already be in a relationship. Case in point, my ex did not care about my height, and she was in a relationship when I met her.

 

In other words, a single woman who is available to dating who doesn't care about height is very rare.

 

One of my good friends is 5'5" and he has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. We rip on him about his height all the time. Do you think he cares? Maybe. Does he show it? Not at all.

Wow, that's just mean.

 

How would you react if I said:

 

One of my good friends is 5'2, 205 lbs and she has been with her boyfriend for 2 years. We rip on her about her weight all the time. Do you think she cares? Maybe. Does she show it? Not at all."

[Radu]

#1 To make your presence known to women, you have to do a lot more to get noticed than the taller guys. Depending on how you handle this, more often you will be judged negatively and unfairly. Doing more to get on her radar as a short guy is met with staunch criticism when compared to the actions of taller guys who can get away with doing little to nothing to impress her.

 

#2 Working out, getting and staying in shape, and keeping good nutritional habits is beneficial to ones overall health. The easiest thing to do as a short guy is ignore the men and women who will quickly say that you're overcompensating in your workouts. The hardest thing to do is accept that your body won't change overnight and it will take more than just a few sessions in the gym to get the results you want. Being consistent and detail orientated in the gym is harder to do than most people think it is.

Both are great if you don't go overboard, because then you will look as if you are compensating.

 

#3 Having a good looking face can be a great asset but it can also be a great detriment. There are women who hold honest fears of having their looks overshadowed by a short guy who's handsome in the face or better looking facially than she is. Some women believe it's creepy and freakish when a short guy has a model's face or uniform symmetry associated with facial attraction. Short and handsome aren't usually associated with each other so when it happens, it's pretty much an anomaly. People can't accept that.

100% true.

 

#4 Some taller women are more receptive to a short guys advances because they have experienced and endured the same height prejudice in reverse. Be warned though. There are taller women who will shame and ridicule the shorter guy just for making an attempt at conversation. They feel insulted that a shorter guy has the nerve to approach her. They aren't all mean-spirited though. A lot of them simply hate saying "NO" to the shorter guy and don't want to hurt his feelings. The easiest thing to do is to let him down easy by lying about being single, saying that they are involved with someone.

True, in fact an ex had friends who did this in public, made fun of short and fat guys who were interested.

I was fat and sat at their table.

 

#5 Her friends can be a short guy's worst enemy, even if she herself has a fraction of interest in him. All it takes is one friend of the bunch who chooses to have issues with her friend's shorter boyfriend because he's short. Unless she has the courage to not care what her friends think about him, the short guy will soon be replaced for the taller guy that she supposedly can do better. It makes me ask the question, is it the short guy's responsibility to make her friends feel feminine and protected as well?

Especially true with #4 if she and her friends are still under 23 or so.

After HS, there is a time of 3-4 yrs when girls stick together as if in HS, while transitioning to adulthood and the approval of their friends is almost mandatory for ... anything.

Think teenage version of Sex and the City.

[Bruce Leigh]

To be fair, if used in the right context it can be quite funny, even to the shorter guy.

My mate used to joke that it was easier for me avoid being tackled playing rugby as I never had to duck. Still tickles me that one.

There have been countless others over the years

But I have seen people shorter than me being called a leprechaun. What made it even more ridiculous that the guy weighed about 20 stone. This happened in work, I had to separate them. I seem to do that a lot

[Els]

If your friends are always ribbing you about something you're sensitive about even after you tell them to stop, they're not really 'friends'. Time to get new ones. Hopefully SmartyPants' friend realizes that and ditches them.

 

I literally won the lottery with my ex. But then the man came and took my winnings away.

 

Don't you think it's a bit, uh, odd, to constantly refer to your ex as an object that you owned before it got taken away from you? This isn't the first time...

[Imajerk17]

Crazy how this thread is still going on.

 

Okay, here are the answers to all of the questions here:

 

Is being short a disadvantage? Yes.

 

Is it a HUGE disadvantage? Yes.

 

Can it be overcome? In some cases.

 

Will personality make up for lack of height? Only if it is larger than life (and even then, not usually).

 

Can a short guy date someone that's physically attractive? Yes, if he is famous, abnormally good-looking, willing to get rejected A LOT (thousands of times), or meet girls only through social circle (and even then, it's unlikely).

 

Will having a good job make up for lack of height? No.

 

Is height a disadvantage everywhere in the world? Yes.

 

Will confidence make up for lack of height? No.

 

Is height the most important physical feature for a man? Yes.

 

SD, there's a reason why you're doing badly with women. Yes, your attitude is not great, but your height is a primary reason. People here are just being PC. Just the way the world works.

 

I'm 5'6" and I have no idea of what you are talking about. It hasn't been my experience at all. You struggle with women and you think it's your height eh? I feel bad for you son.

[Els]

I'm 5'6" and I have no idea of what you are talking about. It hasn't been my experience at all. You struggle with women and you think it's your height eh? I feel bad for you son.

 

Some people view the entire world through the lens of their (very limited) experience, and cannot seem to grasp the fact that there are millions of people they've never met, whose lives are different from theirs.

 

Good on you for not letting such posts get you down, IMJ.

[Emilia]

Crazy how this thread is still going on.

 

Okay, here are the answers to all of the questions here:

 

Is being short a disadvantage? Yes.

 

Is it a HUGE disadvantage? Yes.

 

Can it be overcome? In some cases.

 

Will personality make up for lack of height? Only if it is larger than life (and even then, not usually).

 

Can a short guy date someone that's physically attractive? Yes, if he is famous, abnormally good-looking, willing to get rejected A LOT (thousands of times), or meet girls only through social circle (and even then, it's unlikely).

 

Will having a good job make up for lack of height? No.

 

Is height a disadvantage everywhere in the world? Yes.

 

Will confidence make up for lack of height? No.

 

Is height the most important physical feature for a man? Yes.

 

SD, there's a reason why you're doing badly with women. Yes, your attitude is not great, but your height is a primary reason. People here are just being PC. Just the way the world works.

Your self-esteem issues are not related to your height, you use your appearance because it's convenient to blame. There are several male posters here on LS that blame something physical for their insecurities while it's all likely to be in the mind....

[somedude81]

Some people view the entire world through the lens of their (very limited) experience, and cannot seem to grasp the fact that there are millions of people they've never met, whose lives are different from theirs.

 

Our personal experiences are the only ones that matter. I've already mentioned that in this thread.

 

I don't care if a million short guys are having sex right now.

 

I am short, I have struggled with women for my entire life, there is a very well known belief that women prefer taller men, and that many women don't like short guys. Those things are all I need to hear to say that my being short is a major factor in doing bad with women.

 

Several pages back I actually listed all the reasons why I feel that I do poorly with women, and not a single person commented on that post. That lets me know that there is no point in trying to really explain why I struggle. Nobody cares. So I'll just say that it's really hard for me to get a girlfriend because I'm short*.

 

*=various other reasons as well.