Closure vs No Contact

[Arcanum]

What is everyone's consensus here?

 

Should there be closure to a relationship?

A meeting and discussion about why the person wants to leave?

A period of explanation and discussion and then no contact? (NC)

No contact as soon as the person does the break up?

 

I've always felt that both are very important.

That you need explanations, questions answered in the weeks following the break up. You need that 'closure'. That finishing. The end.

THEN you need NC. Remove who they are from your life. Focus on yourself. Move on.

 

I ask because I didn't get closure. I got a man that was very much into me, professed not wanting to lose me, happiness, excitement for the future. Then dumped me 2 days later on the phone.

The last time I saw that man he was the man I was falling for.

I feel like I want to see him. To have him tell me his reasons to my face. He's been cowardly and I'm struggling with the memories I have of him.

It's been a couple of weeks and I have asked for the courtesy of a face to face meeting. To get that closure and then to eradicate him from my life. Something he obviously won't be too concerned about as he decided he didn't want me in his life anymore.

 

I've had break ups before and NC is always the way to get over it. I think the only way you can remain friends is if you both mutually are not feeling the relationship anymore or a long time has passed and you've both moved on. I am friends with my ex of 10 years because we have a child together but that took a long time and a lot of hurt to reach that point. We managed that only because of our love for our child.

I have no desire to drag out my pain, only to heal it but I am really struggling with no closure. To have it ripped away so quickly, out of the blue with little consideration.

 

So closure then contact?

Closure then NC?

NC immediately and sod closure?

What do people think is healthy?

[Ruby65]

I don't think closure is possible in this case because i can almost guarantee that you won't get the true reasons for the breakup from this guy.

 

It sounds pretty suspicious, like there's someone else involved, and people usually never admit this kind of thing. The fact that he's avoided having any conversation about the breakup makes this doubly likely!

 

Vent here about it, though! Do you have any theories why he ended it? How long were you two dating?

[weallfalldown]

NC............There's never any closure....only your own mind will give you closure.....

 

Move on.

[Arcanum]

Hi thanks for replying. My story is here....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/343065-aaarrgghh

He said to me it will just be dragging things up. This break up only happened 3 weeks ago. He said I am just filled with anger and hetred and bitterness when I haven't been at all. I have been sad and confused and grieving.

I think he's taking the cowards way out and not wanting to face up to his choices.

I am finding it hard to put any of it to rest when the last time I saw him he was smiling, telling me he wanted to kiss me all day, called me the next day to plan our trip and then dumped me the next day.

I want to see him and hear it from him and have the face to face break up I deserve.

I want to put it behind me.

He wants to be friends and I've told him that will not be possible. I want no contact after a meet.

He's said he will think about it until tomorrow.

[Ruby65]

He's right -- you're just dragging things out. I think you're using this "closure" conversation as an excuse to have contact with him again.

 

Sorry for being harsh -- but I honestly think there's nothing to be gained by an in-person meeting and you're deluding yourself if you think you'll be getting anything out of it other than more pain.

 

He's not going to give you the kind of honest answers you think you need to move on.

 

Most likely, everything he tells you will ring false and only create MORE questions and MORE of a need to understand why it happened. Meanwhile, you'll only be pushing him farther away.

 

Walk away now, with your dignity.

 

Tell him to have a nice life and then MOVE ON. Let him miss you and face the loss of not having you in his life anymore. THAT'S the way to make him face the consequences of his choices -- by going NC, not by forcing him into meeting you.

 

Having said that, I've been in your shoes and understand how hard it is to accept without a face to face meeting. But I would ask myself what I'm really wanting from this meeting -- is it closure, or is it the hope that when he sees you in person, he'll change his mind?

[Arcanum]

No I'm not hoping he will change his mind.

His mind is made up, it had to be to make this choice.

What I'm confused about is how everything happened between us.

Also everyone tells me he made a mistake, he'll be back etc. I don't want to hear that. They all say it because of how he was with me, the things he said. I'm no fool and don't believe things easily and I believed he meant what he said. He still stresses it was all genuine all the time.

I want to put in my mind the man that did this is the same man that said and did everything that said he was in it for real.

I was dumped with no warning on the phone and it makes no sense to me or anyone else that met him.

I don't want hope, I don't want maybes. I want solid closure. And I think I deserve it after everything I gave him. I don't like the idea he gets away with it all.

 

However I am totally with NC being a way to get over someone. I have always done it with my other exes despite it being difficult. This isn't me wanting to keep contact, this is me wanting to get over it.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Arcanum

[Ruby65]

He broke up with you.

 

Can't get anymore final than that.

 

And he's not getting away with anything. Everywhere he goes, he has to live with what a douche he is.

 

However, if you force him to meet with you after 3 weeks to rehash the breakup? He gets to feel like a victim and feel justified in having treated you so badly.

 

I understand your need to have the breakup conversation in person..... as I've said I've been in your shoes and I know how awful it is. But there are people who are broken up with by email -- or text! Or who have their boyfriend just disappear forever, without even a breakup conversation at all, they're just suddenly gone!

 

You won't get closure from this guy and you won't get honest answers. If he was going to tell you why he wanted out of the relationship, he would've done it during the breakup.

 

But best of luck to you anyhow -- sometimes you just need to do what you need to do!

[Samilia]

Breaking up over the phone, unless it's a LDR, screams cowardice to me but I suppose it's better than a text or an email.

 

Breaking up out of the blue would mean two things, in my opinion, that either he was trying hard to stay in the relationship but was unhappy and/or that he met someone else.

 

As for friendship right after a break up is a way to either get the ex back or get rid of the guilt associated with dumping someone. Rarely does a friendship work right away.

 

I can tell my answer really is generic, I wish I could give you more.

[Arcanum]

Breaking up over the phone, unless it's a LDR, screams cowardice to me but I suppose it's better than a text or an email.

 

There is no doubt he is cowardly. He is it seems in many areas of his life. I can see this is no different and to me the only reason he wouldn't give me a proper goodbye.

[without]

Of course closure. You will feel much better to know what happened but in most cases they either dont give you any closure or they lie.

[Ruby65]

Of course closure. You will feel much better to know what happened but in most cases they either dont give you any closure or they lie.

 

Obviously in a perfect world closure is better than just going NC.... but in the real world dumpers rarely give it.

 

True closure comes from moving on.

 

Btw -- OP, you're welcome!

[Arcanum]

Of course closure. You will feel much better to know what happened but in most cases they either dont give you any closure or they lie.

 

I think he won't through fear. One of the things he's always been with me is honest. That I can't fault him on. So I think because he knows he doesn't lie, he can't bring himself to do the right thing.

Such a disappointment.

 

It's rubbish you know. That people do this sort of thing to others. I've dumped people before but I've always handled it as fairly as possible. I gave them time, tried to work through issues and always explained things as best I could. Even when it hurt me. I never ignored anyone but always kept my side nc. I don't understand why others are so fearful, selfish and lacking compassion. I mean even if you don't love someone anymore you still care somewhat and you did at one time think enough of them. It should be bloody illegal to treat people so poorly.

[Arcanum]

Obviously in a perfect world closure is better than just going NC.... but in the real world dumpers rarely give it.

 

True closure comes from moving on.

 

I think closure aids moving on rather than gaining it from moving on. Of course once we've moved on it's ok. The world is not perfect it's true but people should try and make it the best they can for themselves and others. Too little empathy in the world.

 

As for not getting honest answers I don't agree with that. As I said this guy never lied to me. He's been a coward there is no doubt of that. I think the reason I don't get a final face to face chat, which I think everyone you are involved with deserves, is because of that.

[without]

I think he won't through fear. One of the things he's always been with me is honest. That I can't fault him on. So I think because he knows he doesn't lie, he can't bring himself to do the right thing.

Such a disappointment.

 

It's rubbish you know. That people do this sort of thing to others. I've dumped people before but I've always handled it as fairly as possible. I gave them time, tried to work through issues and always explained things as best I could. Even when it hurt me. I never ignored anyone but always kept my side nc. I don't understand why others are so fearful, selfish and lacking compassion. I mean even if you don't love someone anymore you still care somewhat and you did at one time think enough of them. It should be bloody illegal to treat people so poorly.

 

 

Exactly! I agree. I never do or did that either. I care about them and I put myself in their shoes and try to do all I can to explain and hurt them less.

And I never just go NC right away, thats just cruel.

 

Some people are just so cruel...

[without]

What happened to this forum, it used to be so heart warming now everyone is acting so selfish. In my thread also someone was very mean.

[Arcanum]

Exactly! I agree. I never do or did that either. I care about them and I put myself in their shoes and try to do all I can to explain and hurt them less.

And I never just go NC right away, thats just cruel.

 

Some people are just so cruel...

 

I couldn't agree more.

I just don't see why it's so difficult to be respectful to people, ESPECIALLY the people you cared enough about to be with in a relationship for a while.

 

Honestly I think it's why I struggle so much with heartbreak. There is a part of me that cannot understand how people can be so cruel when you trusted them and shared with them and they you. In my head it doesn't make sense. You know these people on a level others don't and yet they can't afford you compassion and respect. It all confuses the hell out of me.

[Arcanum]

What happened to this forum, it used to be so heart warming now everyone is acting so selfish. In my thread also someone was very mean.

 

I don't understand it but I have reported it and it's been removed so we can get back to the discussion at hand.

[antelope82]

i think you need a little bit of both. for me, it's been 2 months (story posted on this board) since my fiance broke up with me. It's been rough. Been through periods of NC, LC, and then just hanging out everyday. Its rough. We talked alot about it and I always find that once I feel like I get closure one day, the next day or two days later, it's a mystery again because of the way she talks to me or the things she does with me. I'd say its best to talk about it, find some closure, and then go NC quick.

 

I'm finally trying to just get myself in NC or at the very least LC mode now. It's been helpful that I've had to travel a lot for work and took a long weekend to visit (and stay with) an old friend (very attractive girl, which made ex very upset... oh well).

[Arcanum]

i think you need a little bit of both. for me, it's been 2 months (story posted on this board) since my fiance broke up with me. It's been rough. Been through periods of NC, LC, and then just hanging out everyday. Its rough. We talked alot about it and I always find that once I feel like I get closure one day, the next day or two days later, it's a mystery again because of the way she talks to me or the things she does with me. I'd say its best to talk about it, find some closure, and then go NC quick.

 

I'm finally trying to just get myself in NC or at the very least LC mode now. It's been helpful that I've had to travel a lot for work and took a long weekend to visit (and stay with) an old friend (very attractive girl, which made ex very upset... oh well).

 

I'm really sorry to hear that. Honestly heartbreak is such a horrible thing it actually makes me sad to hear of so many others feeling it too.

Is LC Less contact? Sorry, I'm a bit crap with all the abbreviations.

Yeah there is no doubt that you have questions and then answers lead to more questions etc etc. And I agree that a bit of both is a good thing. Goodbye then no contact.

I guess the thing I am finding hard is that there weren't problems evident between us. We were really good, in that head over heels stage. All I remember is a wonderful guy. I want to remember him for what he really is. I want him to look me in the eyes and give me his reasons. I don't really expect to understand them at all.

The last time I saw him he was smiling, excited about our future, kissing me and happy. He broke up with me 2 days later on the phone.

Something in my head cannot work it out.

I just want to get it implanted in my head, go NC and then move on.

[ThatJustHappened]

He's right -- you're just dragging things out. I think you're using this "closure" conversation as an excuse to have contact with him again.

 

Sorry for being harsh -- but I honestly think there's nothing to be gained by an in-person meeting and you're deluding yourself if you think you'll be getting anything out of it other than more pain.

 

He's not going to give you the kind of honest answers you think you need to move on.

 

Most likely, everything he tells you will ring false and only create MORE questions and MORE of a need to understand why it happened. Meanwhile, you'll only be pushing him farther away.

 

Walk away now, with your dignity.

 

Tell him to have a nice life and then MOVE ON. Let him miss you and face the loss of not having you in his life anymore. THAT'S the way to make him face the consequences of his choices -- by going NC, not by forcing him into meeting you.

 

Having said that, I've been in your shoes and understand how hard it is to accept without a face to face meeting. But I would ask myself what I'm really wanting from this meeting -- is it closure, or is it the hope that when he sees you in person, he'll change his mind?

 

^^^^^^^THIS THIS THIS!

 

Ruby, you are one smart lady (I'm assuming you're a lady..beg pardon if I'm wrong)! VERY well said.

[Arcanum]

^^^^^^^THIS THIS THIS!

 

Ruby, you are one smart lady (I'm assuming you're a lady..beg pardon if I'm wrong)! VERY well said.

 

Actually I don't agree entirely with this post.

I do in a NC stance. There is no point making contact when you are all said and done.

 

I think you're using this "closure" conversation as an excuse to have contact with him again.

Nope. I'm a big believer and follower of no contact. This is about having that end to move on from. Having it implanted in my mind that he is done. His messages up until now are always professing how much he cares.

 

He's not going to give you the kind of honest answers you think you need to move on.

The man is a coward but he's not a liar. I'm not looking for things I want to hear. In fact hearing the things I don't want to hear I feel will help.

 

Meanwhile, you'll only be pushing him farther away.

That no longer matters. He's decided to finish things with me.

 

is it closure, or is it the hope that when he sees you in person, he'll change his mind?

Not at all. If he was going to change his mind nothing I could do would change that. I mentioned this before.

 

So while this post makes sense for someone that has had NC and is thinking of re-establishing that contact while not over it does make sense I don't think it's relevant to closure at the beginning of the break up.

 

Everyone you have shared with, loved, trusted is entitled to a respectful and compassionate break up. They hurt regardless no doubt and life doesn't work that way it's true but we can make it the best way we can. I always have for the people I have broken up with.

[Dblock10]

i say deffo meet and get it off your shoulders. its so hard to move on with nothing to go by so to speak.

[Arcanum]

Yesterday I met with him face to face.

We spoke for over 8 hours.

It's done.

The door is closed.

I feel heartbroken but I feel more sure of what the deal is and where I stand.

I am glad I got closure.

I said goodbye, I walked away.

I then erased his number, deleted his messages and that is that.

[stemac]

i had no closure all i got is a text saying im calling it a day from the women i truly loved who told me she loved me every day... cold hearted cow :(

[geegirl]

Yesterday I met with him face to face.

We spoke for over 8 hours.

It's done.

The door is closed.

I feel heartbroken but I feel more sure of what the deal is and where I stand.

I am glad I got closure.

I said goodbye, I walked away.

I then erased his number, deleted his messages and that is that.

 

Arcanum, I read your story and I am sorry that you had to endure this. I surely can relate and once dated a man similar to yours.

 

"Sex and company." Eye-opening.

 

Declarations of love/fantasy followed by abandonment. Eye-opening.

 

All my ex's past relationships were just sex and company. I was different, as he said. I believed that. All the declarations of love, the future, emotions, fantasies were believeable because he made it sound and feel so real. But sadly, just words.

 

The thing is, if all his past R's were "sex and company", most likely, you/me = sex and company. Abandoning you is what they do, when the fantasy has run its course. When they have nothing more to give or if it's come to a point where they have step up and move to the next stage of commitment, they abandon the relationship hiding behind false reasons because they have noting more to contribute to the R. They need to find an exit. Hence lame excuses.

 

People who are in love with you, stay. Granted you were honest and emotionally available to him. I can't say the same for him.

 

NC is going to be hard. You may just hear from him down the line. Just understand that this man will most likely always be this way. And when you ever feel weak or if he ever comes knocking again, remind yourself, that those declarations of love were once said to those other women he now defines as "sex and company." We are not the exception, we are the rule. Remember that.

 

Stay strong. Grieve and try to heal as best you can. You will get over this. I did and you will too. It will be hard but when your mind takes over, you will start to see things for what they really are.