Closure vs No Contact

[Arcanum]

Thank you

I've always believed that if someone has a pattern they will follow it, always.

I know if this man was not ready for what we had because it seemed like too much responsibility that it will always be like that. With anyone.

I think you're right, that when the relationship hits that next level of commitment the people that don't want responsibility turn tail and find excuses. I told him as much. I told him they were excuses. None of his relationships have ever reached that crucial 3 year point. Make or break.

He said he thought it was what he wanted. He said it is still what he wants in the future but that he is not ready or comfortable with it now. That he cannot give me what I deserve. He said he is worried he will always be like that.

 

I am heartbroken. I cannot stop crying. All those thoughts that I will never find someone that ticks all the boxes (except wanting me) again float around in my skull.

He made me happy, he said things I've waited my whole life to hear and now he's gone.

He said he had never felt this way about anyone, that he had never had this connection, that falling in love was like being on a rollercoaster and it was only when he stepped back and looked at it that he realised he couldn't cope with it all. That he had to leave it.

I don't think he said these things to those other women. I don't think he felt this way about those women. I do think he finally felt something real and he couldn't cope with it.

 

The closure was important. I got my answers and although I cannot understand them in myself I can accept they are his reasons for leaving.

My grief overwhelms me but I know I will never contact him again.

[geegirl]

None of my exs relationships ever passed the 6 month/1 year mark. We made it through to nearly 2 years. The first 6 months, I were the stars in his eyes. The woman that made him feel like no other. The one he wanted to grow old with. He believed at the time that his feelings were true. But the thing is, I'm sure he felt that way about all the other women. He just got caught up in his patterns. And it is a pattern. He did tell me that he reallt thought he could make it work. Sadly, he couldn't. How could your ex manage 2-3 year relationships without declaring words of promise and love? You have to ask yourself. Those women stayed for that long a time because he was doing/saying something that made them believe it was a relationship. I was in denial too in believing I was different but sadly, if you were, it would have turned him around. You will start to see things differently when you begin to detach emotionally. Cling on to his actions and not his words.

 

I thought the same thing. I will never find that that again, but when my mind took over, I realized that he was a facade. Everything he said was an act. It was scripted. Don't limit yourself on empty words. He gave you a fantasy. You must not live by that. When you meet a man that is true and emotionally healthy, you will realize that emotionally healthy men take their time in seeking the right partner. Just as you need to do the same for yourself in the future.

Edited August 31, 2012 by geegirl

[heartbroken26]

The only closure you can get is your own closure. Knowing that it didn't work and you will find someone better. They are never going to tell you the truth. And whatever it is you probably don't want to know because it'll only hurt you. Just try to move on and that's all the closure you'll need.

[moontiger]

A., hon--thanks for stopping by my thread. I don't check LS too much these days. I'm glad you got your closure. It will get better. It will.

 

Hugs,

M.

[soccerrprp]

When I was dumped over 2-months ago, I did not leave it at that. My ex (maybe) gave some reasons, but I pressed her for more. It was my decision to press her and get whatever closure I could gather...yes, real closure doesn't occur no matter how much of an explanation is given, but, it certainly helped me.

 

Anyway, going NC immediately after a break sounds silly to me.

 

After 2 months of NC, she contacted me. I saw her yesterday and though not official, it looks like we are doing our part to get back together. Of course, it helps tremendously that we parted in good terms. Anyway, if you think it will help, do it. If it nags you, do it. But I doubt that it will provide you with complete solace or comfort.

 

Wish me luck the second time around. I don't feel as I did for her in the past, but she has and is making more of an effort than she did before. She's changed. Now, I need to figure out why I'm not feeling it....

[Arcanum]

Soccerrprp I wish you luck!

I'm a big believer that if someone has a pattern they will follow it and that basic personality will never change.

However! I had a relationship with a man for 2 years. He dumped me and 2 months later we decided to try again. We had another happy 8 years after that, and a child. It didn't work out after 10 years but we are still friends and raising our daughter. Sometimes people get scared and freak out and realise their mistake and make it right. So while I believe the things I mentioned above I also believe that sometimes people make mistakes.

As for not feeling it, well I can relate to that too. It took me 2 years!!!! to trust that man wasn't going to leave me again. But he took all my worry, stress, ranting and mistrust and showed me he could be trusted. To retry things takes a lot of courage, determination, love and patience. If you think that you both have that then you may very well work out again. But don't expect to feel good for a while. Remember trust takes a long time to build but seconds to destroy.

Good luck and wish me luck too. Right now I feel like all I get is the bad kind!

[moontiger]

Also Arcanum, you mention that you felt like we are similar and deal with things in similar ways. I want you to know where I ended up. I met someone much better. He was warm, gentle, and loving. I married him, and am very happy.

 

And that's why I'm not really on LS any more.

 

Keep your chin up.

[Sugarkane]

You're lucky that your ex was willing to meet with you. Their usually too cowardly for that. I was dumped by text after a year. None of the lame answers made sense. Eg that I couldn't communicate even though I was dumped out of the blue, by text. Ive never got any answers since. They usually have someone lined up already.