izzybelle Posted December 23, 2004 Share Posted December 23, 2004 one other thought, that i hate to bring up but ..... do you think she's having an affair? i've seen this happen in more than one case, as well. i know of one couple (and i strongly, stongly suspect it's happening with another) that as years went by their sex life took a nose dive. and it did, in the end become a deal breaker for them. he found out, while going through his divorce, that she'd been seeing someone for quite sometime. so it wasn't so much that she didn't want to have sex, she just didn't want to have sex with him. for another couple, i've brought up that possibility to him because of other behaviors of hers that he's described to me. lots of the classic "symptoms" of infidelity but he won't hear of it, won't even consider it because she would never do that to him. after reading enough posts on the infidelity boards here, i've seen those statements a number of times, when in fact they would do it, and did. Link to post Share on other sites
loudog Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Blueangel thanks for the kind words…sorry if I took your salutation the wrong way. I am sensitive on the subject and my wife uses a similar condescending tone and verbiage with me. No foul no issue. Sorry for the comment. Izzy, nice to hear some empathy and confirmation on this issue. I also have had similar affirmation from several men in similar circumstance etc. its nice to hear it from a women also. In many of their situations there were more issues on the table and their wives had more to deal with ie. Jobs, money issues, in-law problems, health issues etc. In my case none are an issue. My wife honestly has it quite good….as do I accepting on this issue. Having discussed it many times and not getting a satisfactory response is where my frustration comes from. It is an issue she could easily rectify if she had the inclination. If the tables were reversed I would easily accommodate her on any subject particularly one so readily done. So at this point I am waiting it out (stewing internally) and hoping for some sort of epiphany on her part. She knows the issue she just needs to help fix it. I have considered the affair issue. I have investigated some and I seriously doubt it but I don’t ever rule it out. I have an intelligence background (federal/military) so I am aware of how to keep tabs on it. It is a valid point but one that might not be correct. I do appreciate the warning and idea. If it were the case I pity both her and the other individual as I am an unforgiving man. Counseling is probably not an option. Honestly I am skeptical of it. Many friends I know have done it with very limited results. I also don’t believe she would do it and most counselors seem to side with the female particularly on what may be perceived as such a petty male issue. Thanks again the affirmation, empathy etc. do help. Hopefully some solution will be reached. Lou Link to post Share on other sites
Tina1 Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 I've read this thread. Thank you all for openning your hearts/personal lives in this thread. You have shed light on the subject for me. Best wishes all. Make it a great day. Tina1 Link to post Share on other sites
screamingOmelody Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I don't think you should do it if you are not in the mood. However, using a topical cream like X-scream or nymphos niagra helps women get into the mood. Our hormones and stresses from the day interfere with our labido and sometimes we need just a little something to get us going. I have seen it advertised on TV, plus I sell it on my website. It really works! It takes about 5 minutes to take effect and the guy loves the way it feels as well. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Amazing, I can hardly believe what I'm reading. I think I've been put off marriage for life! My sympathies for everyone stuck in one of these unhappy relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevaVida Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 NOOOO, I don't believe in giving your man sex every time he wants it. I used to have sex with my H when I didn't want to and it ended up creating a psychological condition I learned about called sexual aversion. I don't have sexual aversion toward sex in general, but toward having sex with my H. What ended up happening was that I had numerous affairs and was able to justify them to myself due to the resentment I had built up by giving him sex when I didn't want to. Now I am going to counseling to work on this sexual aversion. I don't know if it will ever go away, but I am giving therapy a try. First, we have to work on sexual play that doesn't involve sex for a long time. Unless I am lubricated and turned on, we cannot have sex. Otherwise all the therapy I will be going through and work that I have to do on my marriage will be ruined. Please don't do anything you don't want to do because it ends up causing resentment and negative associations instead of enjoyable and wonderful associations. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevaVida Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 I notice some women talking about having to put down a towel, etc or being embarrassed about having sex while they are menstruating. It does not have to be this way. There is a feminine product out there called INSTEAD. You can get it at Walgreens/Rite Aid/etc (though costco still doesn't sell it yet ) and you can buy them online at http://www.drugstore.com. Their website is http://www.softcup.com if you want more information. I have had sex numerous times with it in and some of my partners didn't even know unless they fingered me (granted they were wearing condoms). I have also had numerous partners give me oral sex with the product in (yes I took a bath beforehand). What this product is essentially is a cup that is similar to the sponge from the past. You stick the cup deep into your vagina and it holds in the blood. However, it is not birth control and does not prevent STDs. I have had problems where I did not get as lubricated as I normally do (since the cup is holding my lubrication) but if you use k-y, it should be fine. I have never had any vaginal pain when I had sex with it in as long as I use the K-Y. My orgasms are also more powerful during that time of the month while using the product (since I am no longer feeling self-conscious about the blood) BTW, do X-scream or nymphos niagra really work. Please tell me more. Link to post Share on other sites
k57 Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by NuevaVida NOOOO, I don't believe in giving your man sex every time he wants it. I used to have sex with my H when I didn't want to and it ended up creating a psychological condition I learned about called sexual aversion. A buncha crap. You admit that you NEVER once got horny when he wasn't... If I were asleep and my woman attacked me sexually... I'd freakin' let it ride. AND LOVE HER. Women like you give women a bad rep. You'd rather make him feel bad about his urges, even label him with some mental illness. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevaVida Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Women are not an on/off switches like men. And no, I didn't label my dh with a mental illness, I am describing myself. This is sadly my reality so please don't add insult to injury. I would rather be more like a man. Link to post Share on other sites
herbalyyys Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I have a couisin who says she gives it to her husband every morning every day for the past 17 years of their marriage. Sounds to me like she is just an extension of his masturbation... He's too much of a prude to just jack off himself and just uses his wife to reach his result.They are very religious, and she feels its her "wifely duty" to comply.Silly woman. If you are in the mood, then give in.If he is just diong it because HE wants to come ,then he needs to consider you and your needs.Me...I'm all up for an orgasm almost anytime-solo or with my man, but there are so many psychological factors to be involved. Are you abainst it because you are tired/pissed off at the day/pissed off at him? Tell him! if he had a stressful day,is he wanting it to just get off, or because he finds solace in your arms.... Each time for sex is unique to its own ...so figure if its a mutual thing or not. And remember, a blow job can still accomplish the end result and can be a quick event. Link to post Share on other sites
herbalyyys Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 I have a couisin who says she gives it to her husband every morning every day for the past 17 years of their marriage. Sounds to me like she is just an extension of his masturbation... He's too much of a prude to just jack off himself and just uses his wife to reach his result.They are very religious, and she feels its her "wifely duty" to comply.Silly woman. If you are in the mood, then give in.If he is just diong it because HE wants to come ,then he needs to consider you and your needs.Me...I'm all up for an orgasm almost anytime-solo or with my man, but there are so many psychological factors to be involved. Are you abainst it because you are tired/pissed off at the day/pissed off at him? Tell him! if he had a stressful day,is he wanting it to just get off, or because he finds solace in your arms.... Each time for sex is unique to its own ...so figure if its a mutual thing or not. And remember, a blow job can still accomplish the end result and can be a quick event. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hey... why can't this be an issue that both people work out and communicate about? both parties should be willing to put the other's interests ahead of their own...like in i mentioned in my post, this has never been a problem for the fiance... if he is in the mood, and i'm not, i will try to accomodate him, and please him as much as i can. i love him...and i would never like to make him go unfulfilled. on the other hand, if he senses that im not doing well, he loves me enough not to insist. instead, he will hold me, and try to comfort me and make me feel better. each party should know that the world does not revolve around their pleasure alone. Link to post Share on other sites
ILoveSax Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 jw, If he is as considerate of your needs and wants as you are of his, you have a great marriage, and lots of great sex. You can have a car, and a house, and lots of money, and a great career, but nothing beats a great love. One with whom you can connect intimately and spiritually. Link to post Share on other sites
oldfashion Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 IMO- You should not give him sex anytime he wants it. If you both feel the same way that would be great but you are not a sex slave to give him anytime he needs it. It should not be your wifely duty at all. Link to post Share on other sites
glitter-gal Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 each party should know that the world does not revolve around their pleasure alone. [font=century gothic][color=indigo]I totally agree... isn't that what marriage is about?? Being a couple, having someone to share experiences with?? Most people should realize that I want to get off whenever I want goes out the window with marriage... I would try to help him get off by dirty talking, nude modeling, strip tease, but if he wants more than that, can't accept you aren't in the mood & he needs to get off that bad send him to the livingroom with a sock and a porn flick... HA~HA![/color][/font] Link to post Share on other sites
SleepingLover Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 Originally posted by Sundaymorning you know what, kiss and hugs are different than sex. Actually, it isn't much different when you love someone. It is like a hug taken to another level. A kiss at another level. Any of those can be intimate. If it is your husband (or BF) and you have slept with him before, then it isn't much different at all. God knows how many times I have pleased my woman when I wasn't in the mood. If your man turned over on you and said "no", you might respect his wishes, but you also may feel a bit rejected. It isn't always about the "sex" and for me I know it isn't. It is about feeling wanted and needing that closeness, togetherness. If my lover is ill, I won't try to get her started up anyhow, but to look at sex (when you are in a relationship) as a "hot" and "cold" issue and you can just turn it on and off when you want to is playing with fire and your relationship; you could be sending mixed signals. It has been my experience that women aren't much different from men when it comes to "wanting" or "needing" sex, rather they can control their urge and drive a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
SleepingLover Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 Originally posted by herbalyyys I have a couisin who says she gives it to her husband every morning every day for the past 17 years of their marriage. Sounds to me like she is just an extension of his masturbation... He's too much of a prude to just jack off himself and just uses his wife to reach his result.They are very religious, and she feels its her "wifely duty" to comply.Silly woman. If you are in the mood, then give in.If he is just diong it because HE wants to come ,then he needs to consider you and your needs.Me...I'm all up for an orgasm almost anytime-solo or with my man, but there are so many psychological factors to be involved. Are you abainst it because you are tired/pissed off at the day/pissed off at him? Tell him! if he had a stressful day,is he wanting it to just get off, or because he finds solace in your arms.... Each time for sex is unique to its own ...so figure if its a mutual thing or not. And remember, a blow job can still accomplish the end result and can be a quick event. Well, that man is just plain wrong! LMAO! Usually sex for me is an extension of the relationship. I want that closeness and it almost always starts with hugging and stroking each other. If we are just laying there holding each other in bed, I will know if she is in the mood and she will know if I am. It's not hard to read. But the guy you talk about just needs to get a grip LOL.. and maybe a pocket pal. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 It's not true that men have a higher sex drive. But in JW's case it's true obviously. Unfortunately after a few years of marriage sex becomes mutual masturbation. It's not a bad thing, it's a fact. It doesn't mean you're not physically or emotionally attracted to your partner; it only means that you make love when you are hungry for sex and not because your spouse makes you horny everytime (s)he touches you like at the beginning of the relationship. It's your personal choice whether you prefer to know that your partner is satisfied and won't desire another or whether you want to do it exclusively when you're in the mood too. Often there are marriage problems involved and they affect the sex life also. Everyday problems may also affect our romantic desire. It's always better to improve our sexual life or libido by bringing romantics into it. Rather than decisions that only have to do with sex. Just like you can enjoy in a few positions with the one you love and no position or sexual expertise will make you enjoy with someone you don't love. My boyfriends/ex-husband only made love to me if I were in the mood, but I guess we had similar moods. However, my first boyfriend who I was with from age 16 to 22 would always start it when I would totally not be in the mood. That would make me really angry, I remember. It ended up with me fantasizing about other men on the other side of the bed and being horny all day, except when he wanted me. He would bug me and wouldn't stop until he would get it. I hated that (any many other things about him). If you feel good when you start making love then it's fine. But if you feel like you make a huge sacrifice then poor you. Generally I think there's nothing wrong with pleasing your guy whenever he wants you. We don't want them complaining about the sex life with us, do we? After all, we like it if they are always ready for us. Imagine that you regularly get horny as hell and your husband regularly refuses to make love to you. I would feel very bad, unwanted, offended, and overall like I am not sexually satisfied with him. I would think that I made a wrong choice cuz maybe I could be with someone who can please this very important spot of my body. I mean, there's nothing wrong in refusing him here and there if the sex is great generally. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Sunday Morning has said some wise things here... Yes, giving your body when you don't feel like it is entirely different than taking out the trash when you don't feel like it. First of all, sex is far more intimate than household tasks. Secondly, Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Sorry, I somehow accidentally posted before I meant to! As I was saying... Secondly, YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IF YOU ARE THINKING OF IT AS A CHORE!! Those who have said that having sex when you don't want to breeds resentment are absolutely right. You should never give more to a relationship than you have the energy or the will to give, sexually or at any other level. If you do give more than you can feel good about giving, especially sexually, you will begin to resent your partner, and this is DANGEROUS FOR THE LONG-TERM HEALTH OF THE RELATIONSHIP!! Don't do it! The sex life you share with your partner should be mutually enjoyable. There should be times when you both relish the act equally, and other times when one of you longs for it more deeply or urgently than the other. On these occasions, give to your partner if you feel good about giving him what he needs. If it feels like a chore, don't do it. If you share a loving relationship and if he respects your will, he will understand. If you always think of sex as a chore, if it always feels like an act of giving something that you don't really get any fulfillment out of, then there is a huge problem in your sex life or in your relationship! Either you are not getting what you need from the sexual aspects of your relationship, and/or you are not getting what you need from the other aspects of your relationship. You must value your own needs, too, Girl! And if you are not getting what you need, you and your hubby need to have a serious talk. Wishing you romantic fulfillment and good sex! Link to post Share on other sites
invincible summer Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 mymojo" Maybe he needs to find out that other men are attracted to you; may change his mind real fast if you know what I mean? Does he have an abnormal porn addiction that could be facilitating this problem? Link to post Share on other sites
invincible summer Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Those who have said that having sex when you don't want to breeds resentment " The same holds true for not being allowed to have sex when you want to. Withholding can cause major problems; you wouldn't want your partner to be ripe for an affair would you? Link to post Share on other sites
???? Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I totally agree, Invincible Summer. I currently know two men in marriages where their wives are not interested in having sex with them. I can see that it sucks to not feel desired. As much as she deserves to be respected when she is not in the mood, he deserves to be desired by his partner. He will have to accept that even in a healthy relationship, there will be times when she doesn't feel like it. On the other hand, if she never feels like it, this is a problem-- he deserves to be desired and will feel rejected, hurt, and devalued if he is not. (Which will lead to resentment.) They have some work to do on their relationship if she never wants him. ~Tamed Wildflower (I don't know why I can't log in!) Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by Monday What the heck do you know? If you ever saw me an my husband together, you'd see how he always walks one step ahead of me. You'd see how he'll stop mowing the grass, come inside, and tell me to bring him the gas, even though I'm already busy mopping the floor. You'd see how when I'm relaxing, he comes and ORDERS me to do the laundry if he wants it done. You'll see how if I don't do it right then (like a little kid obeying her mommy) how he gets angry. You'll see how if I ever back talk him, he gets mad and breaks something *usually something of mine* You'll see how whenever he wants sex, he continues to put my hand on his dick, until I just submit. You'll see how sometimes he doesn't even want sex with me, he just wants a blow job, and he'll stick his hard dick in my face, so I have to suck it, or he'll put his arm under me, and make me get up from my sleepyiness to give him head. You'll see how that even if I'm asleep, and I wake up to hear him coughing, I'll ask if he wants me to go get him something to drink. What the heck do you know about being submissive...I'm practically my husband's slave! And yes, I give him sex EVERY FREAKING TIME HE WANTS IT. Notice where I asked if she'd ever had sex with a headache? Yeah, I did. It hurt, but we did it until he came, even though I did NOT enjoy it. Had I asked him to stop, he would've, but he'd have been upset, and good ol submissive me didn't want to upset him, so I did it while my head was splitting open. : Monday, I find your post deeply troubling. Do you think that your husband's behavior toward you and expectations of you constitute abuse? It sounds like that to me. I don't mean to judge you for having sex with your husband every time he wants it. It sounds like he puts you in a position where giving your body and otherwise acting as his servant is your way of coping. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this. Have you ever considered leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
DeaconFrost Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I totally agree with you here. Fact is, in all relationships you need to attend to each other's needs. If you can't do this (obviously within limitations) then what is the point of emotionally investing in a relationship? Sex is a need just like having romance, feelings of desire, support, acceptance, etc. They are all part of the gamut. I can understand a person not wanting it more, but that does not excuse a need for compromise. And it doesn't have to be intercourse either. Oral or hand jobs totally suffice too...You can't be too tired for a hand job! Its about accomodation and understanding. I think what some people are missing here is that when two people are in a relationship they need to completely give themselves to the other...that's the whole concept of two into one in marriage. Dating is no different because it is the trial run for marriage. There is too much individualism in our society. You really do have to be selfless and attend to each other. If you are really in a quality relationship you will have trust that each other will take care of the other. BTW, any guy really worth keeping will understand if you are pissed/sick/or not totally up for it as long as you are being HONEST and these reasons do not turn into persistent excuses. The problem begins to occur when it becomes a common occurance. For instance, if someone is tired all the time, then you need to either plan a "rain check" session or let that person know when times are convenient or when you are not tired. That is what being a caring partner is about...even when your chemistry isn't always on par. People always talk about being in the mood, which I understand. And I totally agree that the best sex is when BOTH are totally grooving on each other. However, it is unfair and inconsiderate to the other to consistently use the whole mood thing as a general excuse for avoiding sex because you don't feel like it. If your not in the mood, then tell your partner what can be done to put you in the mood or decide on a mutual solution to the need. If you don't do this feelings of resentment and loss of self-desireability WILL occur. I know...its happened to me. Big ups to the whole mutual initiation thing too...its totally skewed for one person to do all the initiating and is unnerving as hell. I mean, come on! There is a reason you are with that person right? Then determing a workable sex life should be easy as long as you keep an open mind and are attentive to your partner. Its simple, take care of each other, communicate, and throw in a bit of compromise and you should be rockin' in no time. Now if only I could implement these words of sage-like adivce . Link to post Share on other sites
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