DeaconFrost Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by ~glitter*gal~ [font=century gothic][color=indigo]I totally agree... isn't that what marriage is about?? Being a couple, having someone to share experiences with?? Most people should realize that I want to get off whenever I want goes out the window with marriage... I would try to help him get off by dirty talking, nude modeling, strip tease, but if he wants more than that, can't accept you aren't in the mood & he needs to get off that bad send him to the livingroom with a sock and a porn flick... HA~HA![/color][/font] I think your taking a poor approach to sex here too. Maybe its the guys you have been with, but sex is not about just physical satisfaction on one person's part. Its about mutual celebration of love and closeness in a visceral way that can not be achieved in any other fashion. Its not about "getting off." It's about wanting to be close with your partner...its about touching souls together. True, you can do this in other ways and those should be embraced as well, but you have to admit that those other ways aren't exactly the same as making love. Just in the way we often cannot control how our heart beats with love and romance we cannot control when we have sexual desires. If one has the desire then that need NEEDS to be addressed. I am not saying to submit but what I am saying is that you shouldn't immeadiately say no just because you aren't in the mood. That's silly and that is not being toughtful. Let's be honest here...for the most part sex with the one you love is exponentially better than masturbation. Suggesting that as a consistent remedy is a cop out. How would you like it if every time you asked your employer for your paycheck you were given $5 instead because your boss didn't feel like going to the back room to get it? That's weak. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. If you were rejected because you have a physical need and emotional desire to be close, than how fair is it if you were denied because the other wasn't at the same state. Face it, it would suck if it became a pattern. You need to be mindful of how the other person is sexually. In addition, you should be overjoyed that they lust after you and want sex with YOU. Given the rates of infidelity and the real possibilty of it in our world you should be thankful that their eyes are not wandering. Its not just about mood and sex should not be used as a means of exerting power or control in a relationship. I think people do this many times in a relationship because it contains elements of power struggle. That sucks. You shouldn't give in because its demanded, but you should consider your partner's needs and give in because it is out of love... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 You know what? I think Monday enjoys her position of a slave. She is not really complaining, she is actually bragging about her submissive role! I don't think her husband would enjoy torturing her so much hadn't she let him. I don't know her background, but in all she writes here, I don't see that she's unhappy as the rest of us would be if we were in her shoes. Not that she enjoys giving him a BJ in the middle of her sleep or that she likes to do the laundry when she's relaxing, but the humiliation itself excites her and in some way makes her more complete on the inside. She's a masochist and he is a sadist. Personally, I think she is looking for ways to make him even angrier so that he start beating her. She could just hit him and he would start it, but it's not fun if she "orders herself the flowers." She actually re-tells us how he treats her bad on a daily basis and find pleasure in recalling all that as if writing an exciting erotic story. It seems to me that they are the most perfect couple here. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 RecordProducer, I do not understand how you could POSSIBLY have read Monday's post and come to the conclusions that she finds his dominance satisfying and erotic. I feel like we must have read two completely different posts! Didn't you hear the pain and grief in her words? I didn't hear satisfaction, I heard desperation. She lets him do as he likes with her not because she likes it, but because she feels trapped in the relationship, and she knows it will be much worse if she doesn't comply. Her fear of his wrath overpowers her will to do otherwise. The passionate force of her tone was an expression of grief, anguish, and desperation, not bragging. Beyond these feelings toward her situation, I think her tone conveyed indignance-- she already spends her life submitting to the demands of her husband, she didn't want the further indignity of people on her post board judging her on top of the sh*t she takes at home. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 Oh, PUHLEEEEZZZZ!! It's the cherry on her cake - her whining. has she ever asked for advice how to stop it? Ever said she wants to leave? Ever tried to confront him? Why do you think she MUST obey him? he doesn't beat her. For what reason the rest of us don't have to obey, but she has to? Does she live in Afghanistan? Remember her post "He's pushed me and I am used to it but now he wants me back! I need help!" She's okay with being pushed, but now she has a problem when he wants her back. I am not saying she enjoys the humiliation in the same way that you enjoy your lover's sweet attention...it's more complicated than that. She is not happy, but she doesn't want to be happy, because some part of her psyche is destroyed and she thinks she doesn't deserve to be truly happy. It's like a 18-year old boy looking for a job as a truck driver. Someone could tell him "But you can go to college and have an intellectual job and a much better income." But somewhere in his brain, this boy believes that he doesn't deserve to go to college, that he is not capable of studying and overall he can't see himself as a high-class citizen. The only difference between the two of them is that this boy is being realistic about his cerebral abilities and Monday is being realistic about her psychical abilities. She suffers from a very low self-esteem and needs professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 I think that giving him (or her) sex anytime your partner wants it is a great thing, but only if it is truly consensual (unlike Monday's case), and only if both parties are into each other enough to make it work without bad feelings on either side. I remember one relationship where me and my GF basically could "have" each other anytime we wanted, (we even talked about that), without asking or talking about it every time, and even at the craziest or most inconvenient times, just because one of us wanted it, and she jumped me at least as often as I jumped her. It was always fun, even if it wasn't what was on my mind at the time, and vice versa, because we loved each other. Relationship ended for other reasons. That said, what Monday has described herself as being in as of her post here, is a horribly emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. Anyone in that sort of relationship should GET OUT of it, regardless of whether there is a marriage underlying or not. What she is dealing with sounds WAY beyond counseling to me (only in rare cases do partners as emotionally abusive as the husband she describes fully admit their problem, to their spouse, their friends and family, and everyone else they have deceived so far, and get therapy for THEMSELVES (not just marriage counselling) to change enough to make a relationship with their spouse work, and even then, there is usually too much damage done). Anytime someone has to start quoting scripture (and the fact that she is doing that, suggests that her H probably tries to use that as a tool to control HER) to justify why her husband shouldn't be such a flaming a$$**** to her and basically coerce her into having sex (in some circiles, that is called rape - and if he has threatened her with what would happen if she tries to leave him, it is rape), needs to get out right away. If there are kids involved, so much more reason to end it even faster, as they are seeing how the couple interacts (and will pick up on it even if both parties try to make it non-obvious to them), and will take that horrible example into their own lives in the future (in a case such as that described, boys are more likely to grow up to become emotional/physical/sexual abusers, and girls more likely to grow up to become unwilling, unhappy, abused subs, because those are the roles they have seen practiced and learned from). Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Excellent and troubling analysis, WithOrWithoutYou. I too was worried about Monday when I read her post. Link to post Share on other sites
lostinthisworld Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 i myself do. if he wakes up in the middle of the night or if its middle of the day and he wants it we do it. my husband is wonderful person and he loves sex and i myself do also so makes it easy to say yes. Link to post Share on other sites
friend182 Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 [font=courier new][/font][color=green][/color] I think that this may depend on how your husband treats you in general. We are always more out to do things that we really don't want to if we feel like that person does the same for us. My husband regularly asks for "favors" when I would rather be in the bathtub watching Dr. Phil! Sometimes I go along because I know how he takes care of me and because all the little things that he does. He works full time and I go to school full time, he always puts the toilet seat down, he takes me to breakfast every Saturday and Sunday morning, he takes my car to have the oil changed and detailed. Because of all these things, I usually feel pretty giving. And who knows, something may begin as his idea and turn out to be the highlight of your day!!! I do have to say that my father did not treat my mother this way and I do not believe that she ever felt as giving in return as I do. I think that each person has to earn "reward" treatment!! Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower RecordProducer, I do not understand how you could POSSIBLY have read Monday's post and come to the conclusions that she finds his dominance satisfying and erotic. I feel like we must have read two completely different posts! Didn't you hear the pain and grief in her words? I didn't hear satisfaction, I heard desperation. She lets him do as he likes with her not because she likes it, but because she feels trapped in the relationship, and she knows it will be much worse if she doesn't comply. Her fear of his wrath overpowers her will to do otherwise. The passionate force of her tone was an expression of grief, anguish, and desperation, not bragging. Beyond these feelings toward her situation, I think her tone conveyed indignance-- she already spends her life submitting to the demands of her husband, she didn't want the further indignity of people on her post board judging her on top of the sh*t she takes at home. Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower RecordProducer, I do not understand how you could POSSIBLY have read Monday's post and come to the conclusions that she finds his dominance satisfying and erotic. I feel like we must have read two completely different posts! Didn't you hear the pain and grief in her words? I didn't hear satisfaction, I heard desperation. She lets him do as he likes with her not because she likes it, but because she feels trapped in the relationship, and she knows it will be much worse if she doesn't comply. Her fear of his wrath overpowers her will to do otherwise. The passionate force of her tone was an expression of grief, anguish, and desperation, not bragging. Beyond these feelings toward her situation, I think her tone conveyed indignance-- she already spends her life submitting to the demands of her husband, she didn't want the further indignity of people on her post board judging her on top of the sh*t she takes at home. Recordproducer could be wrong and right at the same time. I agree that Monday's story was a little gut wrenching but RP does have a very valid point. some people really get into being abused and sometimes unknowingly. whether or not mental abuse is good for them by our standards, some people really crave that type of stuff. i have seen lot's of people who almost love to be treated badly. i may not agree with it, but i have seen enough to understand that they thrive off of disfunction. and it is not just women, some men crave mental abuse. i believe her passion was mainly because she was tired of people judging her, but i didn't get a strong "help" or "this is wrong" or "i need to get out of this situation" out of it. don't get me wrong, i felt deeply for her... i'm not saying that this is definately her case, but it is totally possible for someone to feel grief and anguish and (although it is sick and twisted) still be gratified. almost like self torture with a little help. you ever hear of being a "sucker for punishment"? multiply that times 20, add in a little ignorance and low self esteem, a pinch of sadism and you have a nice little recipe for abuse addiction. So although i do feel RP was a little insensitive with just throwing her psychoanalysis out there, she may just be on to something... Link to post Share on other sites
loudog Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by lostinthisworld i myself do. if he wakes up in the middle of the night or if its middle of the day and he wants it we do it. my husband is wonderful person and he loves sex and i myself do also so makes it easy to say yes. Wow how refreshing no issues...no vitriol...just love, respect and understanding....wish it were contagious!!!! Cheers Lou Link to post Share on other sites
kaliki88 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 No you don't have to give it to him anything time he wants it. If you are tired or not feeling well, he should be considerate of your needs. I believe in making each other happy. You should satisfy his needs and vice versa. If he wants it and you don't , that's not making you happy. It's your body so you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Make sacrifices but don't self sacrifice and be unhappy. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
allnamesaretaken Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 If there is an upside to having a higher libido than my partner, it's that I've never been confronted with this situation! I have to concede, I'm rarely not in the mood for sex when he's propositioned. Usually it's more "take me now!" And even if I'm tired, I'll usually go for it, cause it just may be days before he offers again! On other occasions, I'll just give him a quick blowjob or something. My partner has, of course, been in the embarrassing situation of turning me down. Annoying thing is, the male anatomy is such that we can't do much about it when he's not in the mood. He's always nice about it, and he'll always offer to go down on me or something, and puts all his effort into getting me off, but it's not quite the same and if he's not in the mood than I fast loose interest too. Sex is a mutual thing and (at least for me) it's kinda hard to stay in the mood when the other person is not. So, while I wouldn't have a problem with giving my partner sex whenever he wanted it, I'd be a little surprised, and prehaps I'd even start questioning the relationship, if we were so out of tune that he'd constantly insist on sex when I'm just not that interested. That's just not a good sign! Link to post Share on other sites
MadManMike Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Originally posted by jw32802 meaning that women just have to be in the mood to do it. i never had to be in the mood, i always just got in the mood when he wanted to lol Link to post Share on other sites
MadManMike Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Originally posted by jw32802 i never had to be in the mood, i always just got in the mood when he wanted to lol If I were not already married I would love to have at least dated you. my wife is never in the mood. Link to post Share on other sites
DeaconFrost Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Mike, I can't tell you how sad that makes me. Honest to God, that one fact is one of the reasons why I may never get married. I have a high sex drive and I really don't understand the whole "I'm not in the mood thing." Frankly its beyond me that gettin' down and dirty is not everyone's favorite pastime. The complexity of a woman will never cease to amaze me... Link to post Share on other sites
passingby Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 I am an old married woman. I have always had a slightly lower libido than my husband who is 51 and still going strong. We have an agreement. It's like an appetizer or a warm-up, a prelude to the full satisfying meal or work-out. I don't mind letting him have some when he really wants it and I don't feel in the mood. It's a loving thing to do for your man. It does not make me feel submissive or used. Sometimes, he doesn't want to work that hard, he just wants a quick release. What's wrong with that? So long as I get my pay back loving later, I don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimerical Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 I've been in relationships where I would not "put out" whenever he wanted. It really only became an issue when I felt I wasn't recieving the things that I had wanted from him. Special time for us, or a thoughful gesture now and then. If I'm the only one giving, then its him getting his kicks for nothing. Of course, the other problem was he sucked in bed and his idea of sex was him getting off and falling asleep. Didn't matter if I came or not. After I while I started getting really mean about it and sending him to the bathroom to "finish the job". I didn't care if he did, or didn't, as long as he stopped bugging me. On the other hand, I've been with a man the same amount of time as the previous relationship, and I have no problems having sex any time he wants it. He is caring, considerate, always makes sure I am satisfied prior to him. If he's so tired he's going to fall asleep afterward, he makes sure he's cuddled up tight with me while he drifts off. Doesn't just roll over and start snoring as if I no longer existed. Does wonderful things for me during the day. Even if I don't "feel" like having sex, I still do. For one thing, it's still enjoyable to me even if I wasn't in the mood to begin with. And also, it makes me feel good when he's all satisfied and happy. I like making him happy. There are situations where I'm not able to help. I'm sick, or way too tired, or stressed out. I try to let him know this up front. Just a casual, "My stomach hurts today", or "I am so stressed about..." We've discussed in advance ways in which to inform the other person that we aren't able to, or not interested in, having sex that evening or whatever. I also try to let him know I'm planning on following up on the sex at a later date (like the next day, or next opportunity). Just to keep that excitment alive, and let him know I do want him, just right now isn't working. *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
mcgee0 Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 Your needs and feelings are important, too. Link to post Share on other sites
mcgee0 Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 sorry to put this here, but i am new. Will someone please read my thread or tell me why no one is reading it? Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 OMG I love being woken up for that in the middle of the night lol Any time baby But not in the middle of day, ughh. Link to post Share on other sites
darhma Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I dont like to be told no and I dont say no. It is a great feeling to know my man wants and desires me. This is the one thing he should not get anywhere else. I want him to know I am always there for him. No man or woman should need to get satisfied else where. At least that is the way I look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
brown2greyeyes Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I used to do that with my boyfriend. but now that i know he has been going outside our relationship to get sex from his "friend" when im not around i dont give him what he wants anymore. i personally am going to continue to deny him sex because although there is more to this story he promises to stop and learn to control his dick when he gets horny and im not around. Link to post Share on other sites
snickerdoodle Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 I'm not a big fan of sex before bed, mostly because I'm dead tired and feel like passing out by that point in time. He knows this and knows to put the moves on at a different time of day. I don't think I should feel obligated to "give it to him" any time he wants. I think we should both be considerate and take care of each other's needs as much as possible. But I definitely don't want him to feel like I'm at his beck and call for sex. Over the course of our marriage, he's turned me down, I've turned him down, and in the end, we both know when we've got the best shot to go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyinwaiting Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I dont like to be told no and I dont say no. It is a great feeling to know my man wants and desires me. This is the one thing he should not get anywhere else. I want him to know I am always there for him. No man or woman should need to get satisfied else where. At least that is the way I look at it. Yup, that's how I feel about it. Granted, I have a high libido - sometimes I think it's much higher than my partner's - but even on nights when I'm not feeling totally turned on, I'm still willing to have sex with him, or go downon him, or whatever. He does the same for me. Sex is just one part of an overall relationship, which is (or should be) about love, cooperation, comfort and meeting each other's needs. I get satisfaction out of pleasing my man, and that feels great in itself. Link to post Share on other sites
gettinenuff Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 I think if two people are in love and are committed it should be give and take now lets consider a man wants sex 24/7 if it would work that way for him however when he comes to his spouse or significant other and he wants some loving I think as long as she is not sick or flat out exhausted his girl or wife should give him some sex. Girls wake up that is one real bonafide reason why men cheat because they aint getting it at home . A couple who is supposed to be in love should make taking care of each others needs the number one priority. Remember the couple that plays togethor stays togethor Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts