How long do I wait for him to propose?

[Gracie22]

We've been together for a year this September. We are both divorced and "older" (he's 42 and I'm 32). He told me 6 months ago that I am the one and he "knows" we will be together forever. He's even mentioned it to my friends on a few occasions by exclaiming to a group of friends "I want to marry her!"

 

So why the hell is he taking his good old time? Hello, we aren't 20-somethings anymore. He knows I won't move in until I have a committment, too (yes, he's asked me to move in, but I'm not going down that road w/o some assurance that he's serious).

 

At what point can I ask him, if he plans on spending the rest of his life w/ me, why not start it now? Btw - not a money issue.

 

Thanks.

[Radu]

Do you realise that one of the background thoughts that seeps through your post is 'i'm not getting young, need to know if he is commited now' ?

 

Do you think that maybe it colored your view of things a bit ?

[CarrieT]

Many guys north of 40 want to wait a full year before considering an engagement and - if coming up on that year in just a few short weeks - I don't think he is "taking his good old time," but being appropriately cautious.

 

I am in the same boat except I am closer to 50, dating a guy a few years older. I have always been the live-in girlfriend while he has married his past partners. He has said that "I'm the one" and he talks about our retirement and the fact that I am moving in with his family early next year.

 

I made a comment that I didn't want to be another live-in girlfriend (in hopes of a proposal), and his response was more along the lines of, "I've never had a live in a girlfriend and do you trust me?" I have to leave it at that for the time being...

 

You can either communicate openly about your fears with him or trust that he will do what you are hoping. Maybe he is a planning an engagement ring as a Christmas present? Can you wait another five months? If not, you had better talk to him about his intentions instead of speculating and chomping at the bit.

[Radu]

Christmas is more like 3months away.

[norajane]

(yes, he's asked me to move in, but I'm not going down that road w/o some assurance that he's serious).

 

When he asked you to move in, that was your time to 1) tell him you will not move in unless you are engaged and have a date set for marriage, and 2) ask him what he's thinking about marriage.

 

Did you do that? If so, you should have gotten some sort of answer. If not, what did you actually tell him at the time?

[Silly_Girl]

....

 

Christmas is more like 3months away.

 

Four

[Gracie22]

When he asked you to move in, that was your time to 1) tell him you will not move in unless you are engaged and have a date set for marriage, and 2) ask him what he's thinking about marriage.

 

Did you do that? If so, you should have gotten some sort of answer. If not, what did you actually tell him at the time?

 

Actually I did explain that I am not the live-in-girlfriend type and if I'm good enough to live with I'm good enough to marry. I didn't want to push any further. I guess I want him to come to the conclusion, on his own, that he wants to marry me, without any persuasion from me. That's why I haven't brought it up so far. But I am tempted to...

 

Yes, I should be paitent and just wait (yes, Christmas is coming and I have a birthday in between). It's hard because he IS the ONE for me. And when you've been married to someone who wasn't the one (I was 22 and stupid) you realize how awesome it is to find someone that you really love and care about.

[norajane]

I guess I want him to come to the conclusion, on his own, that he wants to marry me, without any persuasion from me. That's why I haven't brought it up so far. But I am tempted to...

 

Have you talked about other things related to marriage? Such as:

 

- how would you handle your joint finances? are either of you currently in debt?

- what are your thoughts about children? how many?

- what happens when you have a child? do you want to be a SAHM, or continue working? how does that tie into your long-term financial goals?

- what are your thoughts about home ownership?

- are you of the same mind and drive when it comes to sex in your relationship?

- where do you see yourselves in 10 or 20 years? he'll be of retirement age in a little more than 20 years...will he want to move somewhere else?

- what role will your respective families play in your lives?

 

Talk first and make sure you're truly on the same page about all of this stuff. That will make the decision to marry easier and more sound.

[pink_sugar]

It's barely been a year, cool it down. I know he's older, but you aren't that old at all. Give it time.

[january2011]

I'm in the same boat, albeit, we are both in our late 30s and have been together for over a year. We've had all the conversations outlined in norajane's post - I suggest that you do too, if you haven't already, but perhaps space it out as it can be rather intense for one discussion.

 

All I can suggest is that once you've made it clear what you are looking for and your timeline, then make an internal deadline. When that arrives, you need to make some hard decisions about whether your long-term relationship goals are compatible and follow through with walking away. Until that deadline hits, I suggest holding back on the discussions (and venting elsewhere) as I gather it's rather claustrophobic being on the receiving end and may actually harm your chances of receiving a marriage proposal that is given voluntarily and happily.

 

I'd also suggest that you really examine why you want to get married and what is it about marriage that you're looking for, e.g., the commitment, the legal aspect, the religious aspect, etc. If he is open to it, you might also want to have a discussion about how he views marriage and what he needs to make that leap to get married.

[Gracie22]

Good advice. Yes, Norajane, we've had all of those conversations. They were spaced over time, never in one sitting. We are on the same page with all of those things (like I mentioned, I'm divorced and so is he...we are both not looking to make the same mistakes again...those questions are essential!).

 

And January, I think that the internal deadline idea is a good one. I can wait it out until Christmas and then, I'm just gonna ask "what are we waiting for"?

 

I can't ever gage if I'm being my impaitent self or if it's normal to have these feelings of not wanting to wait. It's hard for me because I am all about committment (was married for 9 years even though things went south...had to have a severe issue to wake me up and make me move on) but the boyfriend has had several "short" relationships of a few years. I just need that affirmation that I'm not only on his 2-year plan. He say's I'm not, but actions speak louder than words.

[c0nfused88]

Good advice. Yes, Norajane, we've had all of those conversations. They were spaced over time, never in one sitting. We are on the same page with all of those things (like I mentioned, I'm divorced and so is he...we are both not looking to make the same mistakes again...those questions are essential!).

 

And January, I think that the internal deadline idea is a good one. I can wait it out until Christmas and then, I'm just gonna ask "what are we waiting for"?

 

I can't ever gage if I'm being my impaitent self or if it's normal to have these feelings of not wanting to wait. It's hard for me because I am all about committment (was married for 9 years even though things went south...had to have a severe issue to wake me up and make me move on) but the boyfriend has had several "short" relationships of a few years. I just need that affirmation that I'm not only on his 2-year plan. He say's I'm not, but actions speak louder than words.

 

I am a bit confused about your timeline now. You said you're 32 now, and got married when you were 22 and were married 9 years. So, you just got divorced last year then when you were 31? You have been with him only one year? How long did you wait to start dating him after your divorce? It seems a bit worrisome to me that immediately after you're ready to jump right into your next marriage.

 

Did you date others before you married your ex-husband?

 

Did you date anyone else after the divorce before this guy?

 

After one year, you're still in the lustful honeymoon stage and I find it foolish to be pushing for more. 32 is still very young. Don't get yourself into something else so serious so quickly. Why the rush?

[Gracie22]

Confused:

Married for 9, the last year I was separated. So married and living together for 8. I waited 8 or so months after separation to date. Divorces take a long, LONG time in my state. As anyone who has been divorced can tell you, you can file and wait years for a divorce to be final. I didn't wait for mine to be final.

 

I did not date seriously before the ex-husband. Just a few small relationships (less than 6 months...and I was a kid).

 

Yes I dated after I was separated and before meeting my current boyfriend. Nothing too serious, yes he is the first serious relationship.

 

What's wrong with wanting to be married? 32 is an age that may be "young" by your standards, however, if you walked a minute in my shoes you'd see my experiences, heartaches and journeys have made me anything but "young".

 

Furthermore, I know several successful marriages where people were engaged before the year mark. Perhaps this isn't your specific circumstance, but that doesn't mean it can't happen.

[c0nfused88]

Confused:

Married for 9, the last year I was separated. So married and living together for 8. I waited 8 or so months after separation to date. Divorces take a long, LONG time in my state. As anyone who has been divorced can tell you, you can file and wait years for a divorce to be final. I didn't wait for mine to be final.

 

I did not date seriously before the ex-husband. Just a few small relationships (less than 6 months...and I was a kid).

 

Yes I dated after I was separated and before meeting my current boyfriend. Nothing too serious, yes he is the first serious relationship.

 

What's wrong with wanting to be married? 32 is an age that may be "young" by your standards, however, if you walked a minute in my shoes you'd see my experiences, heartaches and journeys have made me anything but "young".

 

Furthermore, I know several successful marriages where people were engaged before the year mark. Perhaps this isn't your specific circumstance, but that doesn't mean it can't happen.

 

I wasn't trying to come across as attacking. I agree with others though-- give it until after new years and see if he does something for your anniversary/birthday/Christmas/New Years. If he doesn't then just be honest with him that you want to be married/have kids/etc and that if you guys are not heading in that way soon that you have to walk away. Until then-- try not to stress-- and enjoy the great feelings of being in love again! :-)

[Radu]

 

What's wrong with wanting to be married? 32 is an age that may be "young" by your standards, however, if you walked a minute in my shoes you'd see my experiences, heartaches and journeys have made me anything but "young".

 

Furthermore, I know several successful marriages where people were engaged before the year mark. Perhaps this isn't your specific circumstance, but that doesn't mean it can't happen.

 

I'll be blunt.

 

I personally think it devalues the whole marriage thing if you do not invest a certain ammount of time in getting to know that person before marrying. But that's just me, i don't want to get divorced ... i know there will always be the possibility but i would rather play conservatively and try to reduce the risk.

 

I think you are desperate to get married, age related.

The others in this thread asked if there was a period between your former long relationship and this one because they seemed awefully close and it made this one seem like a rebound [c0nfused's post].

And in rebound there is something called 'future faking' ... look it up.

You also are very ... agressive, in both your OP and in your response to c0nfused's post.

It's almost like you feel threatened by a dissenting opinion.

[Gracie22]

 

I think you are desperate to get married, age related.

The others in this thread asked if there was a period between your former long relationship and this one because they seemed awefully close and it made this one seem like a rebound [c0nfused's post].

And in rebound there is something called 'future faking' ... look it up.

You also are very ... agressive, in both your OP and in your response to c0nfused's post.

It's almost like you feel threatened by a dissenting opinion.

 

 

I'll admit I was a bit agressive to Confused (and Confused, I apologize)...but that is because words like "foolish" and "lustful" are judgemental. I'm looking for opinions, not judgement. However I am thankful for Confused's second post.

 

"desparate to get married"...how do you come to such a drastic conclustion based on such little info about me? (I remind you you made this assessment after my first post). I want to live and be with the person I love. Why is that a bad thing? What part of that makes me "desparate". I've given no ultimatum. I've done nothing to manipulate him into asking me. I merely expressed my desire in a forum to see what other opinions were or if they had similar situations. Have you? Have you ever been married? How about some useful advice rather than passing judgement on me?

 

There is a difference between judgement and opinions.

[Emilia]

As a divorcee I'm with Radu on this. You seem to be rushing into yet another marriage, your partner is 10 years older and I think he understands.

 

If I remember right, you met your current partner quite soon after your separation - relatively soon considering you were married for 9 years. I know everyone handles divorce differently but for most people it takes a long time to get over it emotionally, not sure whether you are being honest with yourself there.

 

9 months of dating is too soon for marriage, especially a 2nd one, especially for someone who has so little experience in dating. I think conventional wisdom goes for about 2 years of getting to know each other, I'd say that's much more realistic. Why not wait and if you don't want to move in then don't?

[RiverRunning]

I kind of hate how these threads always turn into, "You're just desperate to get married because you're old/you want kids/etc." I don't call that desperate. I call it, to some extent, practical thinking. She knows she is getting older and that dating is going to get more difficult.

 

She may or may not be wanting children, and at 32, she is starting to get to a critical age for that (let's not even get into the, "I knew someone who was FORTY who had a healthy pregnancy and had no trouble conceiving!" argument. This happens, but the statistics on that do not lie).

 

She has been previously married, she's had some dating experience (short-term and long-term over the years, it would appear), and she is older. I'm going to wager that she knows what she wants.

 

I also think it's a little soon to assume that she hasn't fully gotten over her divorce. For all I know, she initiated the divorce and had been thinking about it, and grieving over the marriage, for a long time (OP, can you weigh in?). They may have filed for divorce after 8 years, but for all I know she was emotionally checked out and moving on around 6 or 7 years. She would be far from the first person to coast as long as she could in an unhappy marriage before finally filing for divorce.

 

I've had relationships where, by the time we broke up, I grieved for maybe a few weeks - because for months, if not longer than that, I had been preparing myself, separating and grieving.

 

 

OP, I do think 9 months is a little too premature to start freaking out about him not proposing. I think you should have a conversation with him and ask him about his timeline and explain yours. I think that getting engaged after a year of dating is reasonable (2 moreso, but that's just me). I think it's entirely reasonable to plan to remarry by the 2 or 3 year mark.

 

In the meantime, I also think it's critical to explore the reasons why your relationship, and his past relationships, failed. Start identifying problems in your relationship and how you'll handle them. Discuss religion, kids, in-laws, job losses, illnesses and injury, attraction to other people, how you'll handle the bills, who pays for what, who does which chores and when, discuss your sex life and any problems there, etc. Go on some vacations together, work on a project together. Getting all of this in order can help ensure that this marriage lasts.

 

I don't get the impression that you come off as desperate at all. To me, it does appear you're interested in this guy. And rightfully so, you're saying: We're getting older, we don't have forever. We can't just pretend that time isn't a factor. I WOULD call you desperate if you were more along the lines of, "Whatever, we're running out of time, this guy will have to do." But I don't get that impression. I get that you're interested in this guy, he's interested in you, there are external factors at play, and so...why aren't we...and will we ever?

 

There are practical concerns in relationships and marriage, and I feel that you were expressing them. I don't know why it is, but around here you have to constantly be ****ting and screaming rainbows about how in love you are and how perfect your partner is. Don't also mention a desire to have children, a desire to be married by a certain age, or anything else of the like, because everyone will just assume that's your number one priority and completely disregard the remainder of your post.

 

I think around the year mark, it's time to have a discussion. I also believe it's reasonable that if he hasn't proposed by your second year together, given your ages and life experiences, that it may be time to move on, especially if he's already crowing about how he knows you're the one.

[CarrieT]

"desparate to get married"...how do you come to such a drastic conclustion based on such little info about me? (I remind you you made this assessment after my first post). I want to live and be with the person I love. Why is that a bad thing? What part of that makes me "desparate". I

 

To answer this question, we read this from you:

So why the hell is he taking his good old time? Hello, we aren't 20-somethings anymore.

 

 

That sounds desperate.

[Gracie22]

I kind of hate how these threads always turn into, "You're just desperate to get married because you're old/you want kids/etc." I don't call that desperate. I call it, to some extent, practical thinking. She knows she is getting older and that dating is going to get more difficult.

 

She may or may not be wanting children, and at 32, she is starting to get to a critical age for that (let's not even get into the, "I knew someone who was FORTY who had a healthy pregnancy and had no trouble conceiving!" argument. This happens, but the statistics on that do not lie).

 

She has been previously married, she's had some dating experience (short-term and long-term over the years, it would appear), and she is older. I'm going to wager that she knows what she wants.

 

I also think it's a little soon to assume that she hasn't fully gotten over her divorce. For all I know, she initiated the divorce and had been thinking about it, and grieving over the marriage, for a long time (OP, can you weigh in?). They may have filed for divorce after 8 years, but for all I know she was emotionally checked out and moving on around 6 or 7 years. She would be far from the first person to coast as long as she could in an unhappy marriage before finally filing for divorce.

 

I've had relationships where, by the time we broke up, I grieved for maybe a few weeks - because for months, if not longer than that, I had been preparing myself, separating and grieving.

 

 

OP, I do think 9 months is a little too premature to start freaking out about him not proposing. I think you should have a conversation with him and ask him about his timeline and explain yours. I think that getting engaged after a year of dating is reasonable (2 moreso, but that's just me). I think it's entirely reasonable to plan to remarry by the 2 or 3 year mark.

 

In the meantime, I also think it's critical to explore the reasons why your relationship, and his past relationships, failed. Start identifying problems in your relationship and how you'll handle them. Discuss religion, kids, in-laws, job losses, illnesses and injury, attraction to other people, how you'll handle the bills, who pays for what, who does which chores and when, discuss your sex life and any problems there, etc. Go on some vacations together, work on a project together. Getting all of this in order can help ensure that this marriage lasts.

 

I don't get the impression that you come off as desperate at all. To me, it does appear you're interested in this guy. And rightfully so, you're saying: We're getting older, we don't have forever. We can't just pretend that time isn't a factor. I WOULD call you desperate if you were more along the lines of, "Whatever, we're running out of time, this guy will have to do." But I don't get that impression. I get that you're interested in this guy, he's interested in you, there are external factors at play, and so...why aren't we...and will we ever?

 

There are practical concerns in relationships and marriage, and I feel that you were expressing them. I don't know why it is, but around here you have to constantly be ****ting and screaming rainbows about how in love you are and how perfect your partner is. Don't also mention a desire to have children, a desire to be married by a certain age, or anything else of the like, because everyone will just assume that's your number one priority and completely disregard the remainder of your post.

 

I think around the year mark, it's time to have a discussion. I also believe it's reasonable that if he hasn't proposed by your second year together, given your ages and life experiences, that it may be time to move on, especially if he's already crowing about how he knows you're the one.

 

You totally get it! Thank you! Yup - wanted to get divorced in 2007 and just tried my damnest to get it to work. I don't want kids...it's not the clock ticking.

 

If someone tells you tha you are the one they want to spend the rest of thier life with, tells your friends they want to marry you, and tells you that you are the most important person in the world, why not get married?

 

Words are cheap but actions are costly. I guess it's hard to believe that he means all this w/o some action.

 

But I will take the majority advice and wait it out until after Christmas.

[Lauriebell82]

You totally get it! Thank you! Yup - wanted to get divorced in 2007 and just tried my damnest to get it to work. I don't want kids...it's not the clock ticking.

 

If someone tells you tha you are the one they want to spend the rest of thier life with, tells your friends they want to marry you, and tells you that you are the most important person in the world, why not get married?

 

Words are cheap but actions are costly. I guess it's hard to believe that he means all this w/o some action.

 

But I will take the majority advice and wait it out until after Christmas.

 

This was my husband about 4 years ago. He would make "fly by" comments about engagement (ie: "Hypothetically, how would you want someone to propose to you?") Very annoying. He acted like he wanted to marry me, even looked at rings (saw this on his comp). I also could not understand how he would want to marry me, but take his time proposing. I felt that if he wanted to marry me he should just ask. Not all men think like that though. It took him 2 years and 9 months before he proposed to me. So I totally understand your anxiety, as I have been there.

 

Bottom line, if he wants to marry you he will ask...eventually. It may take some time, he may just be gun shy? Men can want to marry you, but not be ready yet. It's possible. He may be 42, but even men that age can be scared of marriage and need more then a year of dating. Not everyone who is "older" is ready to jump into marriage.

 

Please don't get defensive by this, however is it possible that you are trying to fill the void left by the pain of your divorce? You had said that he is "the one" which I understand. But since you already have one divorce, I would suggest that you take all the time you need to get to know this man before jumping into another marriage. You don't want to end up divorced twice, ya know?

[strongnrelaxed]

Why is marriage necessary for you? At this point, it should not matter so much. In the old days, women needed this as a financial commitment because men too often took advantage (or so it seems).

 

It is my recent perspective that if you spent all your time enjoying each other, you can fill a whole lifetime full of awesome memories and die before you even realize that you are not married.

 

If I were talking to him I would advise him to avoid marriage at ALL costs. He will pay for this later one way or another and I cannot understand why a strong desirable man would enter into marriage in this environment.

 

If he DOES agree to marry you - especially if you nudge, pressure, hint, nag, suggest, cajole or ultimatum him into it - then you will have to ask yourself the tough question - what sort of man would be such a pushover?

[Emilia]

I also think it's a little soon to assume that she hasn't fully gotten over her divorce. For all I know, she initiated the divorce and had been thinking about it, and grieving over the marriage, for a long time (OP, can you weigh in?). They may have filed for divorce after 8 years, but for all I know she was emotionally checked out and moving on around 6 or 7 years. She would be far from the first person to coast as long as she could in an unhappy marriage before finally filing for divorce.

 

I've had relationships where, by the time we broke up, I grieved for maybe a few weeks - because for months, if not longer than that, I had been preparing myself, separating and grieving.

 

A divorce is very different from an LTR break up because you lose a little bit of you in the process. What you grieve for is a loss of innocence - especially when you married young. It's very different where the ultimate commitment wasn't made in a relationship. It's irrelevant who made the decision to divorce it still takes years to get over it.

 

As a result, it's hard to argue that hte OP knows what she wants since she isn't over the trauma that recently happened to her. I mean she probably does want to settle down for good with kids and marriage but her putting that desire over finding the right person is a strong possibility. It is suspicious that she has found the next husband so quickly, how does she know that she is willing to make all the necessary compromises with this man when clearly she failed with someone else recently and hasn't taken her time to get to know the current partner?

 

People do get lucky and meet someone quickly, it does happen but wanting to jump into such a huge commitment so soon after her previous one ending from what I read calls the OP's judgement into question.

 

After I separated from my husband I met someone quite soon too and we talked about marriage (though luckily I knew it was too soon) looking back it was almost the habit of being with someone long term speaking. We weren't suitable but my idea was to make it work because it's what I knew then.

 

There are exceptions but I would say not being single for a while during your adulthood is probably not a good way to progress from one committed relationship to the next. You don't have the confidence to think in different terms.

[Emilia]

 

Please don't get defensive by this, however is it possible that you are trying to fill the void left by the pain of your divorce? You had said that he is "the one" which I understand. But since you already have one divorce, I would suggest that you take all the time you need to get to know this man before jumping into another marriage. You don't want to end up divorced twice, ya know?

 

Yes this is what I was getting at in my last post

[oldshirt]

I'm kind of with River on this one.

 

Having goals and objectives and timelines etc doesn't always equal desparation. Sometimes it just means knowing what you want, not being afraid to pursue it and hauling out all the trash that is cluttering the path to it.

 

Sometimes it not desparation, sometimes it's just doing business.

 

These are full grown adults that have had previous relationship and marriage experience and at least in the case of Gracie she knows what she wants and someone has made her a seemingly serious offer.

 

I think she is in her right to determine if he is sincere and legit in his offer or if he is just peeing on her shoes and telling her she's standing in the rain.

 

Words are cheap and anything can come out of anyone's mouth. Taking action and backing it up with deeds is the only thing that counts in this world.

 

He's 42 years old, has been previously married and should know by now if he wants to marry her or not.

 

If he doesn't really want to marry her, that is fine, that is his perogative and his choice. But he should be upfront with that and not have talk of "forever" and retirement etc etc when she has made in clear she wishes to remarry.

 

(and her reasons to wanting to remarry are her's and she doesn't have to justify it to anyone else)

 

She has the obligation to herself to determine if he is serious or he is just blowing sunshine up her @$$ to keep her pu$$y around so he can keep his tank drained.

 

She is in her right to say put up or shut up. and if he doesn't put up then she is a fool and a pu$$y for not walking away and finding someone else who will.

 

For full grown adults with prior serious relationship/marraige experience and who have had serious talks about the future of their relationship and of their status as a couple, a year is a perfectly legitimate amount of time.

 

Either he puts up with action and behavior or its all just smoke and mirrors and sweet-talk.

 

If she wants to wait untill New Years to see if he proposes over the holidays that is her perogative and her choice and that would make a nice holiday.

 

But come Jan 2nd if there is no ACTIONS indicating forward progress, she's in her right to walk.

Edited September 3, 2012 by oldshirt