Scorpion1691 Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 I have delt with a wife who has cheated , then blamed me only after I found out. She would not tell me who it was for months. Too find out it was someone I was coaching with. To have her tell me she want to try in our relationship to only contact him for the last 3 years. I deal with this because I am male with 5 kids, 4 of which are at home. As a male I would have to prove gross neglect on her part for me to get the kids. Am I wrong for dealing with it. The only one I know of that is aware is my oldest daughter. She does not deal with what she does know very well. Not much information . Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I am so sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry your daughter found out about it. It's terrible that your wife didn't think about her children before she cheated on you and started this whole mess. I don't know anything about divorce so I can't help you there:(. But I really feel for you, and you and your family will be in my prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpion1691 Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 Thank You Honey, The prayers are nice and helpfull. As for my daughter I did not know she knew so much. She is in a bad spot , fortunately she has her act together and knows what she want to do. Two more years she graduates. Link to post Share on other sites
doppelganger Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 I deal with this because I am male with 5 kids, 4 of which are at home. As a male I would have to prove gross neglect on her part for me to get the kids If I am understanding this right, and you are talking about proving gross neglect on her part in the case of you divorcing her, one quick tip. DON'T BE THE ONE TO MOVE OUT IF YOU TWO DECIDE TO SEPARATE BEFORE DIVORCE! It would be hard to show gross neglect if you allow her to prove she can handle the kids by herself (by you being the one who moves out during separation leaving her alone with the kids). One of the mistakes guys make during divorce with kids. And don't be confiding in your kids either. They'll feel like they have to take sides, and thats never a good thing. My $0.02 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpion1691 Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 Superman, you are totally correct. I have seen a lawyer. He told me to do alot worse things, never though to move out. My oldest daughter says things and I tell her I have to be a father first and tell her she still owes her mother respct even if she does not like what is happening. I told my wife I would have to be removed forcibly before I leave my kids. Leaving would not only give jer the kids, part of my pension of which I am only 4 years away from, I own a business of which she would get part of. You may as well take my life because I spent all of it for them. Link to post Share on other sites
aFighter Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 BE there for your kids. If she wants to do this then fine, let her. At the end of the day she's the one losing out the most. This isn't some spur of the moment thing, she made a clear & well thought out choice to do what she did. Don't feel bad if the kids still love her and want her around, she IS their mother afterall, the best thing you can do is soldier on and not turn into a wreck infront of the kids. Keep a cool head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpion1691 Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 I do pretty well except when I am tired. I start feeling it about every 3 to 4 weeks. Thats when I need to talk the most and get lots of sleep. I just can't keep up with the cleaning, laundry and getting the kids to the sports and work. I know thats what single parents do all the time. But she is still in the house. Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 First off, I am sorry to hear the bad news. Second off, no you are not wrong for wanting to deal with it and try to keep the ship from sinking so to speak. It takes a much stronger person to stay in a bad situation and try to work through what has been done. It is one thing to get through it, it is another thing to really trust her again. Do you think you could ever fully trust her? Or would you always be looking in back of your shoulder wondering where she is when she is 5 or ten minutes late or doesnt call for hours...? Thats the tough one, always wondering always worrying. It would take great effort on her part to prove to you she is faithful. I don't think many cheaters are willing to make that sacrifice. As I was told by a person, women don't usually cheat unless the are done with the marriage in their mind. I did not like that answer but ya know what, I believe he is mostly correct. There are those few exceptions but what you need to do is watch out for number one and your kids. Sounds to me like she knows she gets half the goods you have worked your butt off for. She probly will be set up pretty good. It's rough very rough and it sounds like you still love her very much?? That makes it all the harder to bit the bullet and move on. I don't understand why people have to do this to one another, I mean I know it takes two to tango, but when one is not willing to stop tangoin' with a third party out of the marriage then it is just so darn sad. I wish you luck. I hate to put this in here but, well, when the husband or the wife are very vindictive and have wanton disregard for the whole thing, there is always criminal conversation or alienation of affection to get some of your hard earned dinero back maybe? If your state is one of the few that still has those in the law books. It's worth a shot, I think cheating on someone is a kick in the groin, real hard kick. No excuse for that stuff. Take it for what it's wirth. Life isnt a bowl of cherries, sometimes its a bowl of prunes, liver or brussell sprouts. Add some salt and mustard, it makes it bearable. bye. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpion1691 Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 You are probably the first to seem like you understand what I am going through and why. Yes I do love her very much, as for trust. I have thrown that out the window. I don't sk where she is going, I don't ask how long she is going to be gone. I just tell her to have a good time or work hard depending on what she tells me she is going to do. My youngest will be 13 when I retire. I will only have two kids left at home at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 Well, I can't say I know exactly what your going though because I don't have kids with my affairin wife, and she moved out Aug. 27, 2003...and 3 min and 2 secs....hehe j/k.. I did have a step daughter but she went with her mom, I raised her from 1 year to 19 years old. So, it is sad to see them go. What I don't understand is how can your wife put someone else higher than her family.. I don't know the situation but man, you think when it comes down to the nitty gritty dust in your teeth dire straights of a marriage, they would be there for the family..when the dust settles, they are not there, it hurts like no hurt I have had nor want again. I can sympathize and I feel for you. I would take a look and see what might be missing and what made her go look for that emotional need she is not getting at home. I would check out just as a suggestion mind you, I am not pointing a finger either direction but this site helped me understand myself and my role as well..but it's worth a shot: <URL removed> it answered a lot of questions and gave me some possible ways to make it work. Problem is the two in the marriage have to want to make it work. It's nearly impossible for one to make it a go. Good Luck pardner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpion1691 Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 Thanks, I have done a lot of soul searching, Put alot of blame on me,I think at first was a good thing. It made want to learn what I could do or what I was doing wrong. Our situation mostly comes down to talk, conversation , discussing our day to day and our personal thoughts. Unfortunately she still has not learned. This has been going on since November 2001. She has tried contactingthe person she was in love with as early as this March and looking for a place to live as early as a few weeks ago. So I do not expect reconsiliation from her. She does not beleive in putting blame on her self. She has a very big hand that patts her self on the back often. I still love her. The real question is what if a nice lady comes along. I guess I can only build my friends base. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 The real question is what if a nice lady comes along. I guess I can only build my friends base. I do sympathize, but frankly, you've got more than enough on your plate already, don't you think? Getting into another relationship should be the last thing you want to think about for the time being. Besides, one can never have too many friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpion1691 Posted July 25, 2004 Author Share Posted July 25, 2004 reasaontosigh, I am not a person to spread my love thin. I put it all on my kids and still my wife. Maybe if I did not share it with my wife so much maybe she would miss it more. It would not be fare to even the niceset person for me to pretent I could love another. We all need friends. I am worried that the being passion starved I could give the wrong message or get attached to easily , being male we do that anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts