Has anyone gotten an apology from the AP?

[NotCamelot]

This is something I have ben wondering lately.

 

There has been 100% verifiable NC since D-day between my W and OM.

 

And she has owned it, is paying for it, and apologized time and time again.

 

Call me crazy, but, after all that, I feel like the SOB OM should apologize to me! And, probably, most of all because he knew my W was married (as is he). I feel he owes me an apology because regardless of the reasons it happened, he knew she was my wife.

 

 

Does/has any other BS felt that way? Has anyone gotten the apology?

[january2011]

In the beginning I felt that way. But I know that an apology won't ever be forthcoming.

 

From experience, they both feel justified in their choices because of their perceived deep connection. Or they perceive the relationship as "meant to be" and therefore not a choice with consequences for which they can be held accountable. It does not matter that the betrayed partner got hurt in the process - that was either a bonus or an acceptable loss, depending on how vindictive the two people feel towards the betrayed partner.

 

My view is that if the AP cared about others enough to apologise for actions and behavior that resulted in hurt, even random strangers and acquaintainces, as a general guiding principle when making life choices, they would not knowingly allow themselves to get into an affair situation and would extricate themselves as soon as they became aware of what was going on.

[Owl]

Nope. I spoke with OM shortly after d-day when he was still wanting my wife to fly away and live with him. It was a mostly calm and rational discussion...but went downhill towards the end.

 

OM will probably never apologize to you, will probably never feel like he owes you one.

 

The best you can hope for is that he remains out of your lives.

[Ninja'sHusband]

A couple of quotes from OMM as he requested I not tell his BW:

 

I am very sorry for the pain that our relationship has caused and would not knowingly cause any more pain if I can avoid it, but I do not see any upside to my wife finding out about the relationship.

 

I deeply regret the pain and anguish this has resulted in for you and (NH's WW), but do not see how causing more pain and anguish will help anyone.

 

Hehe, there's always a "but". He had another slightly sympathetic statement, BUT it was in the middle of defending my WW:

Although you more than likely consider yourself the victim in this situation (and I am not disputing that you are), you may want to take into consideration that (NH's WW) is feeling very isolated and alone in the situation she is currently in.

 

Yeah, his apologies were alway couched in a way to soften his POV to make it more apeasing to me. These were all over email.

 

I did finally learn about how the affair started from him. I had been civil to him, so once the cat was out of the bag and I more or less knew the full extent of the affair, he felt compelled to tell me the true beginnings and story. IN the end he was a lot more honest than my wife was, to both myself and his own wife (not that he had much choice...I provided her with ALL the info I had)

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Not one word; ever.

 

I did send the OM a letter to get a few things off my chest. I have yet to hear anything from the OM since the affair ended. It would be nice to know if he was remorseful or not. In the end it doesn't really matter. As far as I know, he thinks that my wife was just a great piece of ass, and it's my problem that I married a future adulteress.

 

If you're wondering, I sent him the letter so he wouldn't be able to alleviate any guilt with a "no harm, no foul" view of his culpability in the affair. As far as he knew, he had "gotten away" with it free and clear. That thought ate me up for the longest time.

[mercy]

This is something I have ben wondering lately.

 

There has been 100% verifiable NC since D-day between my W and OM.

 

And she has owned it, is paying for it, and apologized time and time again.

 

Call me crazy, but, after all that, I feel like the SOB OM should apologize to me! And, probably, most of all because he knew my W was married (as is he). I feel he owes me an apology because regardless of the reasons it happened, he knew she was my wife.

 

 

Does/has any other BS felt that way? Has anyone gotten the apology?

 

Hi NotCamelot! Glad to hear you two are still on the healing path!

 

I'm going to tell you how it went with h and the BH.

 

h went to him. Scared me to death! But he said, nope, I've got to man up and look him in the eye. The BH told h that this wasn't his wife's first rodeo (affair) but the affair with my h was the last straw. My h and him spent the day together. The BH prayed with my h. It was a tough day for both of them. On down the road h invited him to his men's bible group that meets at a steakhouse once a week for a long lunch. He agreed. H when he introduced BH had already told the group what he had done to this man, they welcomed him into the fold. He died a few years back and all the men including h were pall bearers. And yes his kids (grown) knew who h was.

 

Anyone can feel any way they want but this is just how it went with h. The BH in our case was an amazing wonderful forgiving man. What a gift to have known him and his kids.

[BetrayedH]

I got an apology from the OM. I told him where and when he was meeting me. My wife had claimed that the A was over. This was half the equation to meso I wanted to hear from the OM's mouth what exactly his future intentions were with my wife. Of course, I made it pretty clear how easy it would be for me to expose the affair to the VP of the company and the OM's wife. He apologized profusely.

 

About 3 weeks later, I told his wife anway. At least I didn't tell their VP.

[BetrayedH]

Hi NotCamelot! Glad to hear you two are still on the healing path!

 

I'm going to tell you how it went with h and the BH.

 

h went to him. Scared me to death! But he said, nope, I've got to man up and look him in the eye. The BH told h that this wasn't his wife's first rodeo (affair) but the affair with my h was the last straw. My h and him spent the day together. The BH prayed with my h. It was a tough day for both of them. On down the road h invited him to his men's bible group that meets at a steakhouse once a week for a long lunch. He agreed. H when he introduced BH had already told the group what he had done to this man, they welcomed him into the fold. He died a few years back and all the men including h were pall bearers. And yes his kids (grown) knew who h was.

 

Anyone can feel any way they want but this is just how it went with h. The BH in our case was an amazing wonderful forgiving man. What a gift to have known him and his kids.

 

Wow. Mercy, your posts usually do inspire me to another level of kindness and well, mercy. The number of people taking the high road in this post puts a little more water in my glass that has been mostly empty for quite a while. (And this one was about your WH). I hope you keep influencing this little corner of the world.

[Furious]

Hi NotCamelot! Glad to hear you two are still on the healing path!

 

I'm going to tell you how it went with h and the BH.

 

h went to him. Scared me to death! But he said, nope, I've got to man up and look him in the eye. The BH told h that this wasn't his wife's first rodeo (affair) but the affair with my h was the last straw. My h and him spent the day together. The BH prayed with my h. It was a tough day for both of them. On down the road h invited him to his men's bible group that meets at a steakhouse once a week for a long lunch. He agreed. H when he introduced BH had already told the group what he had done to this man, they welcomed him into the fold. He died a few years back and all the men including h were pall bearers. And yes his kids (grown) knew who h was.

 

Anyone can feel any way they want but this is just how it went with h. The BH in our case was an amazing wonderful forgiving man. What a gift to have known him and his kids.

 

This is the saddest and most beautiful example of forgiveness I've ever heard.

[Steen719]

I did get an apology. I divorced in Oct. 2011 and moved out last of Jan. 2012. I waited until February and then sent her a message on FB, telling her that I blamed both she and my XH for what they had done and that I could live with her hurting me, not my son. It was quite a long message and we wrote back and forth a few times. I found out how he had lied about me and she did too! They were not seeing each other then (Feb) and as a matter of fact, had not for quite a while but until then, were still friends. She had, according to her, told him she was only interested in being his friend, but did tell me that he had been like a drug to her when they were younger. I did see a cooling from her on their messages before I left. She un-friended him and said she had no intention of talking to him again. I have no idea if that is true or not. He had already moved on to his next one, so maybe it is.

 

She did say that she felt that maybe he had done that to more than just her and that she didn't think it was just her that made the marriage fall apart, which was true. But she certainly had a part in its demise.

 

It made me feel better about her and worse about my XH. Go figure! I wouldn't give you a plug nickel for either. In my opinion, you get what you live. Now whether that is true or not, is left to be seen.

[road]

Not one word; ever.

 

I did send the OM a letter to get a few things off my chest. I have yet to hear anything from the OM since the affair ended. It would be nice to know if he was remorseful or not. In the end it doesn't really matter. As far as I know, he thinks that my wife was just a great piece of ass, and it's my problem that I married a future adulteress.

 

If you're wondering, I sent him the letter so he wouldn't be able to alleviate any guilt with a "no harm, no foul" view of his culpability in the affair. As far as he knew, he had "gotten away" with it free and clear. That thought ate me up for the longest time.

 

 

The is not the reason to expose the OM to his wife family children. but just an added benefit that the OM is forced to face consequences for his part in the affair.

[Spark1111]

I think most BS do in some form..even it is only acknowledgment of participation in building the bomb. I got one and it did not matter. It was not sincere and her anger amped into overdrive.

 

I agree!

 

I thought we could talk like mature adults and hoped she would apologize for her role.

 

Why I had read that at LS and stupidly thought I would call her and extend an olive branch as they worked for the same company and did not want ANY of us blind-sided by a surprise meeting at a company event.

 

Ahh, stupid, naive Spark.

 

I called her about three times, stating what I wrote above once, but mostly leaving my work schedule and all phone numbers she could reach me on.

 

She chose not to return my calls, so I let it go.

 

More than two years later she broke NC and waltzed uninvited into his new office and pushed every button he had. She was fishing to see if he wanted to re-initiate.

 

I called her direct line at work and kept calling until she stopped dodging me.

 

It was the most bizarre three-minute convo of my life: Angry, blaming, a total victim, it was his fault, it was mine; crying, yelling, screaming, and, swear to GOD, moaning at the end....get my drift?

 

No stability, no healing, no growth, no ownership.....and DEFINITELY no apology.

 

But at one time I had mistakenly thought she would be something like me, a decent person who might have fell in love with a married man, my man.

 

And I said in therapy that she probably was a wonderful person, and my IC stopped me short and said, "Spark, people who have affairs with married people are NOT wonderful."

 

Rare to get an apology, IMO. But at one time, I had hoped for it as part of my healing process so I don't think that is so unusual NH.

[mercy]

Wow. Mercy, your posts usually do inspire me to another level of kindness and well, mercy. The number of people taking the high road in this post puts a little more water in my glass that has been mostly empty for quite a while. (And this one was about your WH). I hope you keep influencing this little corner of the world.

 

Aww that is just so sweet of you! And I have been rooting for you longer than you know!

[Spark1111]

Hi NotCamelot! Glad to hear you two are still on the healing path!

 

I'm going to tell you how it went with h and the BH.

 

h went to him. Scared me to death! But he said, nope, I've got to man up and look him in the eye. The BH told h that this wasn't his wife's first rodeo (affair) but the affair with my h was the last straw. My h and him spent the day together. The BH prayed with my h. It was a tough day for both of them. On down the road h invited him to his men's bible group that meets at a steakhouse once a week for a long lunch. He agreed. H when he introduced BH had already told the group what he had done to this man, they welcomed him into the fold. He died a few years back and all the men including h were pall bearers. And yes his kids (grown) knew who h was.

 

Anyone can feel any way they want but this is just how it went with h. The BH in our case was an amazing wonderful forgiving man. What a gift to have known him and his kids.

 

An amazing post Mercy that struck a chord with me.

 

My H fOW was always spouting sprirituality and taking the higher road and actually seemed like she could be a really nice person who tried to help my H when he was depressed and uncertain.

 

So I expected an apology from such a spiritual, supposedly Christian woman.

 

Big mistake.

 

Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. Or those who act devout to feed their need for importance, but are truly not, KWIM?

[mercy]

An amazing post Mercy that struck a chord with me.

 

My H fOW was always spouting sprirituality and taking the higher road and actually seemed like she could be a really nice person who tried to help my H when he was depressed and uncertain.

 

So I expected an apology from such a spiritual, supposedly Christian woman.

 

Big mistake.

 

Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing. Or those who act devout to feed their need for importance, but are truly not, KWIM?

 

Oh do I ever! Experienced many people just like that in my life.

 

Though the OW in my case never hid who or what she was. It was all a game of what man she could bed. And she never made a secret of it. Not even to her h.

 

She showed up at one of h's bible studies, to cause trouble. Imagine her surprise when there beside him sat her ex. She was and is a very troubled woman.

[losingmyground]

Yes I got an apology. It was cold and devoid of any emotion. But from what the OW's BS said, so is she.

[trader]

The day I busted a meeting between the WW and the OM, (they were not having sex atm) he asked for my phone number and told her he wanted to talk to me. She also gave me his number the same day. The next day, I called him. We talked about 90 minutes. He apologized and promised me he would kill the relationship. He asked my permission to send her a dump text.

 

He has since texted me a few times and wished me well.

[2sure]

My ex had multiple OW. Some knew he was married , most did not.Some were married, most were not. I called each one, and after informing them that I existed, was offered or came right out and asked for an apology. Every single one that didn't know he was married was sincerely sorry...of course. Every single one that was married or attached...was defensive. I had no qualms at all , when they did not apologize, sending their SO all of the correspondence between them and my H. There was one, who actually knew the both of us personally...who refused to acknowledge she wronged me at all. I took that very very personally. And I will never feel bad about it.

[SoMovinOn]

One of my STBXW's A's was with my best friend. I didn't care about any of the other guys, but, I felt he owed me a discussion based on *his* betrayal of our friendship.

 

We talked. He apologized many times. We're still friends. W is gone.

[BetrayedH]

Surprisingly Not. I expected a lot more from one who stocks shelves with canned goods at Superstore.

 

Tragic.......

 

Not to make fun but, that was funny.

[road]

One of my STBXW's A's was with my best friend. I didn't care about any of the other guys, but, I felt he owed me a discussion based on *his* betrayal of our friendship.

 

We talked. He apologized many times. We're still friends. W is gone.

 

 

Your WW is gone because you no longer can trust her.

 

Your BF banged your WW repeatedly and you keep him as a friend.

 

Was it because he apologized many times?

 

How many times?

 

Did he give an apology for every time he banged your WW?

 

Good god, how can you keep that POSOM in your life after he betrayed you in the worse way?

 

Did he convince you that is was all an accident?

 

That he kept tripping and he kept repeatedly falling into your WW pussy?

 

Or you just keeping him around so he can bang your next wife or GF?

[road]

An apology is not wanted.

 

An apology will not make me feel better.

 

An apology will not get the sex acts undone.

 

If the OM felt truely sorry, some do, but it does not matter to me, because they are apologizing to make themselves feel better. Them feeling better does not matter to me.

[NotCamelot]

An apology is not wanted.

 

An apology will not make me feel better.

 

An apology will not get the sex acts undone.

 

If the OM felt truely sorry, some do, but it does not matter to me, because they are apologizing to make themselves feel better. Them feeling better does not matter to me.

 

I agree with that. In my case, I got apologies from the OM's wife! She called me apologizing for what happened. Of course, she was hurt at the same time. She told me that she was also in an affair of her own. She felt that was why her sorry H looked for someone.

 

I have not really heard anything from his sorry ass. I do indeed wish he would call me. I don't think I could come anywhere close to the kindness in Mercy's story.

 

Even though my W has apologized many times, I can help but feel as though the AP wronged me as well simply because he knew she was married to me. There had to be some thought process that told him that their actions would hurt me........his W was doing it.....there was no way he could NOT know how I would feel.

 

It really is interesting to see that so many have gotten apologies.....more than I thought!

[Decimated]

I sent STBXWW's OM an email calling him out on everything. I told him exactly what I thought of him and his lack of integrity. The email was about 2500 words of brutal honesty. I did it to get all of the pent up frustration I had for him and STBXWW's affair off my chest. It was like emotional vomit. At the end I asked for an apology. I did threaten to expose to his family and friends if he ever contacted my STBXWW again. His BW already knew.

 

What he sent back contained no apology. It was defensive, blame shifting, and filled with justifications and insults. I can see why STBXWW and POSOM got along so well.

[woinlove]

What would an apology do? Would it be beneficial? Most who have received one said it did not matter or that they felt it was empty and devoid of sincerity and others appear to have been truly offended by it.

Which means, even if someone was sorry, it would not be taken that way.

 

But what of the ones who have written and said it was accepted and mattered?

 

Some apologies likely are meant to be offensive and others are simply not meant. Not all situations are the same. One said all the OW who did not realize MM was married were sorry and it was accepted.

 

I tend to think this thread shows that BS have a good handle on who means apologies and who doesn't. If one knowingly involves oneself with a MM/MW it will often take YEARS to come to a place where one feels regret, realizes different choices could have been made that would place more value on respect, honesty and treating others well. It is likely a pretty rare OW/OM who has all that growth quickly in the aftermath of a d-day or the end of the A. I know I didn't.